Your Tired Eyes
Chapter Four: Confessions
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Jeremy P.O.V.
It's been three weeks, and now it's Tyler doing the avoiding. Every attempt at a conversation is deflected with a one word answer, and he's started to skip art. In the hallways his eyes are downcast as to stop any eye contact. Worse than that are the girls.
The girls that Tyler is fucking left and right. Now more than ever. He doesn't even try to hide it, and they just hang all over him.
Now that I mind. Not that I care. Not that he ever meant anything to me. Not that if he did I'd admit it.
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I have to talk to him. I have to tell him that he's despicable and that I'm glad he's done with me because I was getting tired of him anyways. That I don't miss him and that I don't care. But we are in school and he surrounded, and I'm not that cruel.
I walk up to him as he's talking to a pretty blonde and another brunette in the courtyard, against the fence. "So that's it then, huh?" I say loudly when he doesn't notice my sudden appearance.
His face turns chalk white with apprehension, "Jeremy…what -,"
I cut him off, "You had me fooled for a second you know. I actually thought you weren't the douchebag everyone thought you were. Good to see you care about your reputation."
"Jeremy," he emphasizes my name, "Not here. Please," he mutters in an undertone. "Please."
"I don't have much of a choice do I?" I ask, "Where the hell else am I going to see you?" I say, matching his volume.
"Look, I'm sorry – but that's all I can tell you. I'm done. I'm done."
Clenching my jaw, in anger and frustration and disappointment, I glance at him one more time before saying, "You're pathetic. You're weak. And you're disgusting," I say the venom in my voice above reproach.
And I guess that's the last straw for Tyler because the next thing I know I'm on the floor and his fist is in my face.
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As Astrid is telling me about the recent Brad Pitt flick she's seen, several days later in art, I cut her off, "Hey, do you – do you still know where I can get some?" I asked lowering my voice.
She looked surprised, "I thought you said -,"
"I know what I said. And now I'm saying this. Do you?"
"Yeah. Uh, yeah. I'll hook you up."
"Thanks," I mutter.
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Tyler P.O.V.
I really shouldn't care. I shouldn't feel awful, and I shouldn't feel like I need to have sex with half the girls in the school to get over that four seconds of feeling something for Jeremy Gilbert, but I do. And it scares me.
It scares me because deep down I know what it means, and I know what would happen if anyone but me knew.
And I shouldn't have punched Jeremy in the face – I knew that. But I was afraid – afraid that the words that he was saying were more than the angry words of a teenager. Maybe they were the truth and the truth was exactly what I was afraid of facing.
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It's around seven p.m. on a Friday night when I decide to head for the woods. The one near the open lake where I always feel as though I am at peace. What I don't plan on is Jeremy being there.
What I don't plan on is Jeremy being there, with that same lethal amount of alcohol running through his body as the first time.
"Gilbert?" I call out his name, incredulously, and he turns around. He is unstable on his feet (very), which is a pretty big tip off that he isn't completely sober.
"Gilbert, are you drunk?" I asked scanning him with my eyes. A bottle of liquors hangs loosely from on of his hands. Of course he is.
"Pretty much," he mumbles the words, slurred.
Of course this is happening. Of course this is happening to me. Advancing towards him, I make a grab at the liquor bottle, which he quickly pulls away. "Mine," he says, and he looks out of his mind. I look around and quickly notice the rather large pile of glass bottles near the edge of the lake.
"Come on, Gilbert. I'm taking you home," I said quickly, grabbing him by the wrist. And I get a good look at his face. It has bruised far worse than I expected it to. My own face – my own body sports no sign of a fight. Because Jeremy didn't touch me once while I was hitting every part of him I could.
He doesn't budge, but looks at me, his eyes bloodshot and says, "You wanna punch me in the face again?" he asks, "Wasn't last time enough?"
"Look – I'm sorry about that, but you…you were out of line."
"Was I?" he asks, and his face is etched with angry and sadness, "Or were you?" he asks, pulling away from me.
"I'm sorry," I repeat, "I'm sorry."
"I don't care," he says, and his voice is bitter.
Jeremy P.O.V.
I go back to edge of the lake and sit there, still for a moment before he says, "Whether you like it or not I'm not leaving you here. Got it?"
I'm not going to honor him with a reply, so instead a take another swig of liquor.
"Jeremy."
I look back at him "Thought it was 'Gilbert' now. Now that you're 'done' with me."
He takes a seat next to me. We sit in silence for a minute.
"What are you doing?" I finally ask.
"I'm not leaving you here. I thought I made that pretty clear."
I scoffed, "You don't care. Don't pretend to care." And then I reach for the plastic bag next to me filled with white pills.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks me, leaning closer to me, "You're worth more than that, Jeremy," he says. I wince at how corny the words sound out loud.
"What are we – a lifetime movie?" I ask with a snort.
"Jeremy -,"
"I like you," I say, turning to him, so that our faces are only a few inches apart from each other.
"What?" Tyler asks, and his face is flooded with disbelief.
I turn back towards the lake, "I don't know why. I just – you're a jerk," I say glancing at him, "You're a grade-A jerk, and I should hate you. I should hate you for everything you've put me through – but I see you and I don't know, Lockwood. I just – I don't hate you. Not the way I should. I can't – I can't get you out of my head. It's driving me crazy."
He stares at me.
And maybe he isn't sure what to do other than stare at me. But then he grabs me, his quivering hands encircling my face, and kisses me. And he makes damn sure that his lips trace over ever bruise and cut that he has caused. And I hope, maybe, just maybe, that he does this because he likes me too. Because I like Tyler Lockwood. I like him more than I've ever liked anybody, and it's not very healthy, but there's not much I can do about it.
I kiss him back.
But I can't keep myself from believing that it has in part to do with drunkenness. Because sometimes when you're drunk you know what you're doing – you just don't care. And sometimes you just don't know what you're doing. And I hope he knows that I know exactly what I'm doing.
I want him not to care. But at the same time I want him to care; I want him to care a lot.
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We wake up in the grass the next morning, our sweaters doubling as our far-too-small blankets. I groan loudly as I wake, the hangover was started to kick in, "Fuck," I mutter, sitting up.
"That bad?" Tyler asks, squinting at the bright sunlight. I answer with another groan.
Grimacing he gingerly searches for the bottled water in my backpack, twisting the cap off and handing it to me, "Drink," he says, bringing it to my lips.
"You want me to take you home?" he asks as I empty the contents of the bottle into my mouth. His face is sympathetic.
"Yeah," I whimper, "Please."
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"What did you do to him?" Elena asks, as we appear on my doorstep, Tyler, supporting me as best as he could.
"I didn't do anything to him. The idiot got drunk and fell asleep in the woods. I found him," Tyler says quickly making up a story.
"What were you thinking?" Elena asks, her voice filled with concern, "Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"
I don't answer, looking downcast. "I'll take him upstairs," Tyler says, cutting into the tense silence.
"Thanks," Elena says, "I'll be up with some aspirin – and a lecture."
"Surprise, surprise," I mutters, as I Tyler tries to shift my weight. One arm slung around my shoulder, he gets me upstairs, where I collapse on my bed, my head still filled with a pounding pain.
"So, uh, I'm gonna go," he says, heading for the door.
"Wait," I say shifting so that I was sitting up; I wince, and then repeat myself, "Wait."
"What?" Tyler asks his hand around the doorframe.
"Why do you do that?" I ask.
He shakes my head, as if he doesn't understand what I'm saying, "Do what…?"
"You fuck me, and then you leave. And then you tell me you're done. And then you do it again. Why?"
"I – I don't -,"
"I know what I told you last night," I say avoiding his glance, "But you could've walked away. You didn't. I wanna know why."
He shakes his head, "I don't know," he says attempting nonchalance.
I get up, grimacing as my head was still throbbing, and lock the door behind us. Then, I turn on him, pressing him against the door, and I kiss him again.
It took about a minute and a half to muster enough sanity to break away from him. The wanton need in his lips made it hard to. But then he just stares, "Jeremy. I can't do this," he says pausing between each word, "I can't. Why are you so obsessed with me?"
That is exactly the arrogant, egotistical kind of thing that only Tyler would say in such a situation, "Why am I so obsessed with you?" I ask, a mild tone to my voice, "Because I can't get you out of my head. No matter what I try. I thought – maybe, if I got high enough, drunk enough, I'd forget about you. But here we are. Guess we're both fooling ourselves though, huh?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
I stare at him, "I care about you, Tyler. And whether you admit it, or not, I know you care about me too."
"You don't know anything," Tyler says, and walks out, slamming the door behind him.
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Tyler P.O.V.
I was a fucking liar, and I Jeremy knew it.
He was right. I did care about him, more than I would ever let him know. And he was right again, because I did screw him over, time and time again. And I couldn't stop what we had started, not with a few stern glances and punches in the face, because Jeremy had been persistent with Vicki, and he had gotten her, and he was twice as persistent with me.
And I wanted him. I wanted him for more than sex. But I would never tell him. Because I was the mayor's son, and there are some things the mayor's son cannot get away with.
(But honestly, I didn't know how much longer I could carry on following these rules.)
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Tyler/Jeremy actual relationship coming up :) Review and I'll write faster! Love to all of you guys! If you're going to alert/favorite, then please review, because they make me really happy.
Happy Holidays!