A/N: Hello again! This chapter takes place shortly after Driven. I wanted to write an insight on what was going in Kate's head after the events of that episode. Also writing this was sort of an outlet for my own anxiety lately. I don't know when I'll be able to upload again, I'm leaving for a road trip around Europe in a few days. But, as soon as I can, there will be another chapter up! If you have any ideas on what you'd like to see in the chapters, please do share. And please review! I can't even explain how much I love your reviews. I really do. Happy reading! x
I find myself staring at him. Can you really blame me? Two months. That's sixty-two days. Two months of not knowing.. Anything. Whether he's alive or not. Whether he was abducted or killed. And why. Whether he just left.
But he's back. He's home. But everything is different.
I still don't know where he was and why. I know he's alive, and I couldn't be happier about that. But I can't help but wonder..
He's different too. He thinks only a day or two has gone by, yet he's very different.
He doesn't remember. He can't tell me what I've been trying to find out for two months. He's home, but I barely have any answers.
Is this a universe's way of playing a cruel joke on me? I lied to him about remembering my shooting, and now I lost him for two whole months, and get no explanation whatsoever.
I spent two months hoping, praying that he's okay, that I get to see him again. I spent two months crying myself to sleep every night, and then waking up four hours later to spend another day desperately fishing for clues. I spent two months listening to everyone telling me that he left me. That he just up and left, after everything we've been through.
He's home, but he's broken. And so am I.
Laying next to him in the bed feels surreal. For those two months, I kept dreaming of him, holding me in his arms. Now I don't let him hold me. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't be too close to him. What if he's not really here? What if he doesn't want to be?
I promised myself I would not let myself shut down, that I would not build that wall back up. But it's hard. Being without him is always hard. Those two months made me doubt everything. Every possible theory, everyone, him and myself. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I believe when he told me he didn't just walk away. I believe when he said he must've missed him. I have to. Because my Castle wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't. But something about this all makes me feel so weak. Like all those years ago.
In a way, Castle's disappearance hit me even harder than my mom's death. I thought nothing could, but Castle was the one who got me through it, really. Castle was the one to teach me about trust, family and love. I trust him more than anyone. He is my family. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I don't know how much longer I could've gone without him.
He's already asleep and he looks peaceful. His sunburn face is buried in the creamy pillow and his breathing is heavy. He was so tired when he got home. Understandably so.
I can't help but stare at him again. He's really here. He's alive. I'm with him. He didn't leave me. He didn't.
I wake up in panic. I'm covered in sweat and I can't catch my breath. The images of my dream won't leave my head.
Castle in the car, burned to death.
Castle in the boat, shot to death.
Castle in an alley, stabbed to death.
I run my hands through my sweaty hair and sit up. I glance at the other side of the bed. Castle's still sound asleep. He's laying on his back, one hand resting on his chest, the other one hanging outside of the bed. He snores slightly. He still looks peaceful.
I can't shake the feeling of panic though. We still don't know what he's been through. We don't know if he's still in danger, he probably is. What if he being back is just temporary? What if this is the dream? I can't lose him, I can't. Have I already?
I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand up. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the sound of my panting. I still can't catch my breath.
I feel the familiar feeling of panic rising in my chest. My hands go numb as my whole body starts shaking.
I'm having a panic attack.
It's not exactly new. The last two months have been nothing but uncertainty and fear, but I haven't had a proper panic attack in years. I start feeling lightheaded and I need to leave the room.
I walk in to the living room and sit on the couch. I press my face in my hands and sob. My thoughts are going a mile a minute and breathing gets harder and harder. I can't remember any of the tricks to calm down while having a panic attack. My mind doesn't work at all. I can feel tears flowing down my cheeks, though I didn't know I was crying.
Suddenly a light goes on in the living room. I know someone else is in the room, but I can't raise my head from my hands. I can't move.
"Katherine?" I hear a voice calling my name. Martha.
"Oh Katherine, darling." She whispers and I can feel her moving next to me on the couch.
She places her hand on my back and starts rubbing in gently. I can hear her whispering something in my ear but I can't quite make out what it is. I finally move my hands from my face and move them around her instead.
I don't know how much time goes by, I can't focus on anything around me.
Finally Martha's voice cuts through.
"You're going to be alright Katherine." She says assuringly. "Just breathe, dear."
And I do. I focus on my breathing and her hand on my back and finally manage to catch my breath in a few minutes. I'm still crying though.
"There you go darling. You're okay."
I open my eyes and look at her. "Thank you." I whisper, just barely loud enough for her to hear.
"Why on earth are you thanking me?" She smiles at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shake my head. "I uh.. No. I don't think so. I'm okay." I whimper.
"Darling, you're still crying. You are not okay." Martha says firmly and gives me a look. I look back at her through the tears still in my eyes.
"Kate?"
Both Martha and I turn to look at the bedroom door, where a half asleep Castle is currently standing.
"Are you having a slumber party without me?" He asks and yawns.
"Oh Richard for heaven's sake." Martha groans. "Can you not see that your fiancée is currently crying?"
Castle's expressions grows serious right away and he takes a step further into the room.
"What's wrong honey?" He asks, sitting next to us on the couch.
It has been so long since he last called me that.
"I think she had a panic attack." Martha states.
"I'm fine, don't worry." I say as I attempt to wipe my face clean of tears with the back of my hand.
"No, you're not. Please talk to me Kate." Castle whispers. I look him in the eyes.
"I'm going to go get a glass of water and then go back to bed." Martha announces and kisses my forehead before getting up. She gives Castle a look. "Take care of her Richard." She orders him before moving to the kitchen.
Castle stands up too and offers me his hand. I sigh and slowly take his hand. He leads me back to our bedroom. He sits me on the bed next to him. He pushes some of my hair behind my ear, letting his fingers linger on my skin for a while.
"What happened Kate? Did you have a panic attack?" He asks in a soft voice. He sounds worried. I know he was worried about me when my PTSD was at its worst after I was shot. I only recently told him about how bad it actually was, and he felt guilty for not being there for me. I of course told him he was being ridiculous since I told him to give me space, which was the right thing to do at the time.
I swallow. This is not going to be easy for either of us.
"Yeah, I did." I whispered, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt.
"Why? What happened?" He asks, rubbing my arm.
"I don't know I just.. I had a nightmare." I quietly reply him.
"Tell me about it." He says. He doesn't ask me to, but he doesn't order me to, either. He says it like it's something I should do, but like he is going to help me with it.
"I, uh.. It was just.. You didn't.. You didn't survive and.. I-" I barely manage those words out before I burst into uncontrollable sobs again.
"Oh Kate." Castle whispers and scoops me in his arms. He strokes my hair and tries to calm me down.
"I'm okay. I know it was scary, but I'm okay. And so are you. We are going to be okay, I promise honey." He whispers in my ear.
I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. He still smells the same. I bury my head into his chest and finally the crying calms down.
"I'm so sorry I put you through that. I can't imagine what it was like. I hate that you're this hurt because of me, I'm so sorry." He whispers sadly.
I want to tell him it's okay, that it's not really his fault, but I'm exhausted and hearing him say he's sorry, proves me that he didn't just leave. He was taken from me.
"I love you, Kate. We're going to be okay. I promise you. Nothing's going to take me away from you again, do you understand? Nothing. I love you."
Hearing him tell me he loves me, almost makes me cry again. It has been so long since the last time he told me that.
"I- I love you too." I whisper, barely loud enough for either of us to hear.
There's still a lot we need to work on, a lot we need to discuss, but for the first time in two months, I feel like maybe things will be good again. Castle's home. And whether he's still in danger or not, I won't let anything hurt him again. I will figure this out. No, we will figure it out.
Together.
As always.
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