Disclaimer: Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The genius senseis over at NBC own "The Office", and all music and movies mentioned belong to the respective owners/authors/artists. I own absolutely nothing and gain no monetary benefit from this work.
Please support the writers and purchase Seasons 1-3 of "The Office" on DVD if you really enjoy this. Season 4 will be available sometime in September, and Season 5 begins on September 25th, at 8 pm US Central Time.
Hinamori Momo sat at her desk, filing paperwork once again, when a knock on the office door jerked her from her thoughts. She dashed to it to find Inoue Orihime standing outside.
"Hi, Orihime." she said flatly. "You're here to see Aizen-taichou." It was a statement rather than a question.
"Only if he's not busy." Orihime said timidly.
Hinamori nodded. "We're kind of in hurry to get this paperwork done. Can I take give him a message?"
"Uhm, just make sure we're still on for lunch today, and that I'll meet him here around one, thanks."
"Hm-mm." Hinamori shut the door quickly.
"Orihime and Aizen-taichou... yeah, they're sort of an item. They met a while back, and... now I guess they're like, going out or dating or... something... And, ano... Am I talking really loudly? 'Cause I feel like I am." Hinamori said in a private interview.
"Orihime came by to see you." she told her captain as she went back to her paperwork. "She wants to know if you guys are still on for lunch today."
"Oh, great! Yeah... yeah, I guess we are."
Hinamori sighed.
Ichimaru Gin sat at his desk across from Kira Izuru.
"Kira, slash, Izuru. Kira Izuru is sittin' across from me right now... he's been my fukutaichou here for about ten years... So. The academy wants me ta evaluate you for somethin'?"
"Yes, a class I want to teach. I'm, ano... I'm very interested in tutoring the students in kendo, sir."
"Hm."
"Izuru's about ta go ta the Ichimaru Gin shinigami academy. Like a mix between Mr. Miyagi and Yoda." Ichimaru said to the cameras.
As Ichimaru talked to Kira in a horrible Yoda impression, the camera showed Hitsugaya standing sadly at the door of Ichimaru's office.
"Ichimaru's in there talking one-on-one with Kira. I haven't had a one-on-one with him in twenty years." he remarked sadly.
As the interview finished up, Ichimaru patted Kira on the shoulder as he exited Ichimaru's office. Hitsugaya stared sadly at them.
"Ichimaru and I have a very special relationship. Like, Batman and Robin, or the Lone Ranger and Tonto. And, it's not like it was the Lone Ranger, Tonto, and... Bonto." he told the cameras.
Hinamori stood from her desk to prepare her lunch, alone in the Fifth Division office. She sighed, and crossed the room to the kitchen.
Aizen rushed in.
"Hinamori-kun! Come outside!" he said excitedly.
"What is it?" she asked warily, knowing that if her taichou was this excited, there could only be trouble involved.
"The Third Division office is on fire!" he cried.
"What?!"
Ichimaru sprinted out the doors of the Third Division office to find Hinamori, Aizen, Zaraki, Yachiru, Unohana, Kyoraku, Ukitake and Nanao all staring reproachfully at him.
"Yeah, yeah, I know: Women an' children first." he said to the group. "But, the women weren't in the office, and we don't have any kids in our division. We're not a sweat shop." He glanced at Yachiru.
Still in the office, Hitsugaya was trying to make sure he and Kira were the only ones still in there.
"Hitsugaya-taichou! We need to get out of here!" Kira yelled.
Hitsugaya spotted smoke coming from the kitchen as the fire alarms buzzed around them.
"Smoke!" he yelled. "Smoke! We have smoke!" He grabbed Kira around the waist and pulled him to the ground.
"What the-?!"
"Stay below the smoke line!" Hitsugaya commanded, crawling towards the door as Kira rose and walked to the door. "Stay below the smoke line, dammit!"
"I don't think we have anything to worry about." Kira said, holding the door open as Hitsugaya crawled out. Kira sighed and followed him.
"I don't wanna be just... a guy here in the Gotei Thirteen." Kira said privately. "Like... Aizen is 'the crossword puzzle guy,' and... Matsumoto... likes to drink... I don't want to be remembered as just another guy..."
Outside, Aizen had gathered the group in to a circle as a team of shinigami rushed in to the Third to put the fire out.
"Okay, I'm setting the agenda now. We will be playing some intense, psychologically revealing games of 'Desert Island', 'Would You Rather?' and 'Who Would You Do?'." he explained. He turned to Nanao. "Nanao-fukutaichou, why don't you start? Three books on Desert Island."
"The Bible." she said quickly. Everyone stared at her.
"That's... one book... you've got two others." Kenpachi informed her.
"A Purpose-Driven Life."
"Third book?" Aizen asked.
"No." Nanao said firmly.
The group sweatdropped.
"I'd bring The Da Vinci Code." Unohana offered.
"The Da Vinci Code." Nanao said disdainfully. "I would bring The Da Vinci Code. So I could burn The Da Vinci Code."
"Yeah, right. That would keep you warm for like, seven seconds." Hitsugaya said, entering the circle. "Question: is there firewood on the island?"
"Yes?" Aizen said, raising an eyebrow.
"Then I would bring an axe, matches, iodine tablets, NASA blanket, beet seeds, protein bars, and... in case I get bored... Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No... Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?"
"So..." Ichimaru began. He absently stroked the fabric on his haori. "This 's my haori. I... get seen wherever I go in it... I love this thing...!" He looked at Kira. "Ya wanna touch it?" he asked, holding it out him.
"Ano... no thanks..."
"Well. Looks like you guys don't read." Aizen muttered. "Okay, Desert Island Movies! Five DVDs. Matsumoto-fukutaichou."
"Ano... Legends of the Fall... My Big Fat Greek Wedding... Bridges of Madison County..."
"Wow." Aizen remarked in a private interview. Hinamori giggled beside him.
"Legends of the Fall." she said.
"Wow... Bridges of Madison County. These movies, are..." he muttered, holding back laughter.
"Actually, I kind of liked that one." Hinamori said.
"What?! Hinamori-kun, do you even understand the concept of the game? It's not Guilty Pleasure movies, it's Desert Island movies! Desert Island movies are movies that you're gonna watch for... for the rest of your life! For like, forever!" he said. "Unforgiveable."
"I take it back!" she cried.
"Unforgivealble." he repeated.
"I said I take it back!"
Hitsugaya rushed over to were Kira and Ichimaru were talking.
"Hey! What're you guys talking about?" he asked.
"The benefits o' bein' a taichou."
"Oh! I know all about that! Hey, Kira, didja know that-?!"
"Hitsugaya-taichou..."
Hitsugaya promptly attempted to tackle Kira. "As a taichou, you've got to be ready for anything!" the boy-captain yelled.
"He ain't yer five-year-old brother, Hitsugaya-taichou! In fact, he prolly knows more 'bout kendo than ya ever will! So... yeah."
Hitsugaya walked away, head hanging, as Ichimaru began talking with Kira again.
"Okay... Hinamori-kun! Bring us back in to swing! Five movies."
"Ano... Legally Blonde... Office Space... The Phantom of the Opera... Dazed and Confused-"
"Oh, definately in my top five." Aizen remarked.
"Well, it's in my top three, so, suck it." Hinamori shot back before continuing. "The Princess Bride, and... my all-time favorite..."
They were interrupted by Hitsugaya kicking the wall behind them. The group turned to watch him.
"Hey, Hitsugaya-taichou!" Aizen called. "All-time favorite movie!"
Hitsugaya shook his head and walked away.
"Man, you are so... smart. Yer so effin' smart. You should be my taichou." Ichimaru said.
Kira sweatdropped and looked away, wondering how he could get out of this one.
"Alright, we're just gonna skip on to the main event: Who Would You Do?" Aizen told the group.
"Present company excluded?" Kyoraku asked.
"Ano... not... necessarily...?"
"Hinamori-fukutaichou." Kyoraku said quickly.
"Hinamori-fukutaichou." Ukitake chimed in.
Aizen put his hand protectively on Hinamori's shoulder. "Okay, you know what? I didn't really explain the rules properly. Let me explain the rules first!"
They were interrupted by the sound of the song "Everybody Hurts", coming from the direction of Hitsugaya, who was singing along with his iPod.
"Ano... Zaraki-taichou, do you want to take over for me and explain the rules?" Aizen asked as he and Hinamori walked over to where Hitsugaya was standing.
"Hitsugaya-taichou?" Aizen called.
"Shirou-chan?" Hinamori asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned his music down and pulled an earbud out.
"What?" he asked sadly.
"What's wrong, Shirou-chan?"
"... Why didn't I decide to tutor the people at the academy?" he wondered.
"Who's tutoring at the academy?" Aizen asked.
"Kira." Hitsugaya spat.
"Ya know what? I'll bet Kira-kun thinks to himself, 'Man, I wish I had a fukutaichou like Matsumoto!'" Hinamori suggested as Aizen held back laughter.
"Who would want a fukutaichou who sits around and drinks all day?" Hitsugaya muttered.
"You know what...?" Aizen asked, his body shaking with controlled laughter, "You should leave the Gotei Thirteen."
"Nah... if I did that, Kira wins..."
"Well, you'll think of something." Hinamori told him soothingly as she and Aizen walked back to their circle. However, they saw that Ichimaru and Kira had joined the group.
"What're we playin'?" Ichimaru was asking.
"It's called, Who Would You Do?" Zaraki explained.
"Oh, yeah! I play this game all the time when I'm fallin' asleep!" Ichimaru remarked. All the women sweatdropped. "Who's up next?" he asked.
"I am." Renji offered, who had walked up as well.
"So, Abarai-kun, who would you do?" Aizen asked.
"Ano... what's the name of that... that tight-ass Christian chick? Dark hair, wears glasses?" he asked.
"My name is Nanao." Nanao snapped.
"Nanao-san... hi." Renji said, moving closer to her. "Name's Abarai Renji."
Nanao sighed.
"Aizen-taichou, who would you do?" Renji asked. The camera zoomed in on Hinamori before moving to Aizen.
"Well..." he glanced around the circle. "Kyoraku-taichou. Hands down." he declared as the group began to chuckle. "He's got that... cute teddy bear thing going for him... and afterwards we could watch bowling or something."
"Well, I would have sex with Kira." Ichimaru said. "'Cause he's gonna be a taichou someday."
Kira sweatdropped as Renji burst into laughter.
"You're all gay...!" he choked, breathless.
Kira's soul pager suddenly began beeping. He took it out of his shihakusho and glanced at it.
"Would you excuse me? I have to take this." he said before walking away.
"I wish I had my soul pager... but, I left it inside..." Ichimaru said.
"Would it make you happy?!" Hitsugaya asked, hopeful.
"Huh?"
"If you had your soul pager, would it make you happy?!"
"... I guess so...?"
"Alright! Great! I'm on it!" he yelled, rushing back into the Third Division office.
"Hitsugaya-taichou! You idiot!" Ichimaru yelled after him.
"What if he dies in the fire and that's the last thing you ever said to him?" Renji asked the silver-haired captain.
"I didn' say it to him. I said it about him." Ichimaru said defensively.
Aizen stared at his watch nervously as Ichimaru and Kira stood in front of the doors to the Third Division office. Hitsugaya had already been in the building for almost seven minutes.
"God, what the hell is takin' him so long?" Ichimaru wondered aloud. He turned to stare at Kira. "Izuru, call my soul pager. It'll make it easier fer him ta find it."
"What's the number again?" Kira asked.
"I thought you had it. I gave it to ya a while ago, 'member? I saw ya program it in." Ichimaru said.
Kira scrolled through his contacts list. "Nope." the blonde shinigami said. "Oh, no, wait... here it is." he said, punching a button and lifting the pager to his ear.
Almost immediately, the theme song from Bleach Rock Musical: Saien started playing. Ichimaru quickly went through the folds of his shihakusho, then slowly brought it out.
"Oh... dear God... we better tell somebody..." Ichimaru said, looking around nervously.
Just then, Hitsugaya burst through the doors of the office, coughing.
"Shirou-chan!" Hinamori yelled.
"Hitsugaya-taichou!" Ichimaru and Kira yelled together, running towards the boy-captain.
"Are ya alright?!" Ichiamru half-yelled.
"Heh..." Hitsugaya smirked. "Apparently... when they train you to tutor academy students in kendo... they don't teach you how to use a toaster oven!" He pulled a blackened... object out of his shihakusho and held it up for everyone to see. "Some sexy liutenant put the toaster oven on the wrong setting and set his cheese pita on fire!" he yelled. Kira blushed and looked at his feet as everyone started cracking up.
"Well... guess they dun teach ya how ta use a toaster oven when they train ya ta tutor academy students in kendo, eh, Kira?" Ichimaru asked.
"That's what I just said!" Hitsugaya remarked.
"Didja miss that day er somethin', Kira? Toaster Ovens 101?" Ichimaru went on.
"Hey, hey! This is a little song I wrote... when I was in the office amongst the flames." Hitsugaya said, clearing his throat. "Kira started the fire! It was always burning, since the world's been turning!"
Ichimaru joined in. "Kira started the fire! It was always burning, since the world's been turning! Everybody, c'mon!"
The camera cut to a private interview with Kira, who was staring at his lap.
"I can not believe... I started the fire..." the blonde shinigami said slowly.
Just then, Orihime walked up. Aizen jogged over to meet her.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Oh. There was a fire in the Third Division office, but nobody got hurt." he explained.
"So what's with the circle?"
"Oh! Do you want to play Desert Island?"
Orihime's face brightened. "Sure!"
"Hey, you guys!" Aizen called, waving to the circle, "We've got a new player!"
The camera cut to Hitsugaya standing alone, eyes shining as he began singing again.
"Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe!(1) Kira started the fire!!" he half-yelled, holding up the blackened cheese pita as he said, "Kira started the fire".
"Okay, Orihime-chan. Five movies, go!"
Orihime thought for a moment. "Okay, first is... Bridges of Madison County."
Aizen slapped his forehead as Hinamori held back laughter.
"Ya know, I forgot what a... nice girl Orihime-san is." she said in a private interview. "And she and Aizen-taichou are just... so cute together. You know what? Good for Aizen-taichou. Good for him!"
The camera cut back to Aizen and Orihime walking together. Hinamori, suddenly angry, turned to Renji, grabbed him by the collar of his shihakusho, and kissed him with as much force as she could. Aizen glanced over his shoulder, staring longingly at them before turning his eyes back to Orihime.
The camera slowly faded to black as Ichimaru talked with the fire crew.
Author's Notes: I'm so sorry this chapter took so long! I'm really busy getting ready for the new school year, which starts in three days, so after this Thursday, get used to updates being about this slow. Thanks for your patience though, and please continue with the lovely reviews! They always motivate me to write a little bit more. : )
(1): Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe - the lyrics to Billy Joel's hit, "We Didn't Start the Fire", a song that discusses major world events of the twentieth century.