Note: Sorry for the delay, I had extreme writer's block. I've also been trying to work on my other story "Mario Competes in a Game Show". You should check it out. ;)
Chapter 4 – Sausage Anyone?
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the 239th annual Academy Awards. Brought to you by Mushroom-Vision, the high definition of TV tomorrow… today! And here's your host, Mario!"
There was applause from the audience yet no one came out.
"Mario!" A technician ran over to the announcer and handed her a small envelope. She grinned nervously to the camera and opened it. "Dear Academy, I regret to inform you that I will not be able to attend your piece of shit show. I got a million BLEEPing better things to do. You're damn show is nothing but a BLEEPing joke full of BLEEPing old assholes and people who can't BLEEPing act…"
The director from the technical booth was going crazy. "Get that dumb bitch off the stage…go to a commercial! Go to a commercial!"
At home millions of toads were watching.
"What does BLEEP mean, mommy?"
The mother toad quickly reached over and slapped her young son. "Don't you ever say that again."
"But Mario said it."
Back at the award ceremony the lights went out and after a few minutes came back on. Luigi was in the middle of the stage unconscious and buck-naked, a rope tied around his hands and attached to a pole above the stage held him up, with an arrow on his stomach pointing down with "I'm Italian, can't you tell? Anyone want a sausage?" written on his chest.
The director nearly fainted. "What the F–"
From the rafters above the stage Mario jumped down, laughing all the way. "I decided that Luigi could take my place as host this evening, even though my sausage is bigger." He grinned wickedly and blew a kiss to one of the best actress nominees. "Have a good BLEEPing evening." Mario said and then dashed off as security ran after him.
The flabbergasted announcer looked to the camera. "I think we're going to a break, stay tuned for the best supporting actress award. Here at the 239th Annual Academy Awards."
At the palace…
"Poor Luigi… I must admit though, Mario is bigger." Peach casually stated and quickly looked around blushing. "I mean…"
Bowser winked at her. "It's alright Peach; we all knew you and him were hitting the sheets a long time ago."
Peach cleared her throat and nodded her head toward her father.
Toadstool simply hung his head. "No need to worry, I figured as much. I might be old but I'm not stupid. He's been the only one, right?"
She nodded her head. 'That's what you think…okay, I'm not a slut but I like my men… and there was that one time with Wario but I was so drunk at the Christmas party last year…' Peach's thoughts tumbled in her mind.
"What are we going to do about Mario though?" Bowser questioned.
Toadstool shook his head. "I don't know. The police are looking for him I guess there's nothing we can do."
Bower's face suddenly perked up. "We can use Peach as bait… he'll fall right into our trap if she could lure him in."
"Dammit, bitch. Why does everything have to be me? I mean you always used to kidnap me and shit." The princess disgustedly said to him.
"What are you talking about? Kidnap you?"
Peach rolled her eyes. "Cut the playing dumb shit. I know you're gay and that's fine but you're not a girl, okay? And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!"
His eyes filled with tears. "But I don't know what you're talking about! Fine I'll just leave you alone forever!" Bower stormed toward the door and paused when he reached the doorway. "I didn't want to be your damn friend anyway!" He ran off and out of the castle before Peach could stop him.
Toadstool looked to her. "Now look what you did. There's nothing more dangerous than a gay man scorned."
Peach ran to her window and watched him go. She felt like crying but nothing came out. "Someone needed to set him straight."
Meanwhile…
Luigi had awoken in the police station wearing the orange inmate jumpsuit. 'What am I doing here? Oh no, did I get drunk and go hit mailboxes with Mario again?'
An officer walked over to the cell and unlocked it. "Luigi, the chief is waiting to interrogate you. Please follow me."
Luigi got off the stiff bed and followed the officer. "Can you tell me what I did?"
"The chief will tell you everything you need to know. Would you like a banana?" The officer asked with a smirk.
"No thanks."
"A sausage?" The officer continued with a laugh.
Luigi gave him a funny look. "No thank you."
The officer could barely hold back his laughter with the last one. "A foot-long hot dog?" He burst out laughing. "More like a six inch sub for you."
"What the hell is your problem?"
He didn't reply but simply kept laughing as he opened the door to the interrogation room and pointed inside. Luigi entered and found the chief sitting in a chair. He sat in the chair across from him.
The chief stood and looked him over a few times before speaking. "Would you like a fag?"
Luigi looked to him, his eyes wide. "A what?"
"You know, a fag." He replied with a grin as he held up a pack of cigarettes. "That's what they call 'em in Sarasaland. Do you want a smoke?"
He shook his head. "No thanks, I don't smoke."
The chief nodded as he lit one and took a puff. "Do you know why you're in here, son?"
"Honestly? No sir. I have no idea."
He turned on a tape recorder and sat down. "What's the last thing you remember?"
Luigi thought for a few seconds. "Um… let's see. I was in the closet for a while…"
The chief interrupted him. "I don't need your life story, son."
"No, that just happened today or yesterday."
He raised his eyebrows. "Okay, whatever you say, son. Tell me what else you remember."
"I came out of the closet and…"
The chief grinned at him. "Good for you. I know that must have been hard."
Luigi gave a long sigh. "You have no idea."
The chief winked and placed his hand on Luigi's. "Oh yes I do, son. I'm still in the closet."
He gave him a look of repulsion. "Whoa, that's not what I meant."
"It's alright; I understand it's perfectly okay. My wife has no idea. Just continue with what you remember."
Luigi felt like he was going to vomit. "Uh… like I was saying, I came out of the closet and then I left my house. I saw Daisy on the street, yes now I remember!"
"And what was Daisy doing, son?"
He looked around and whispered. "I'd rather not say."
The chief chuckled. "Would you rather go to jail?"
"No sir. She was, um, just standing on the street corner."
"Just standing there?"
"Okay, I'll confess! She was selling herself! Oh Daisy, I'm sorry." Luigi hung his head in shame.
"Selling herself? Like a maid?" The chief asked.
"What do you think? No, not like a maid like a prostitute!"
The chief was clearly surprised. "I see and for the record what street was this?"
"Main Street."
He nodded and paused the recorder. "And where exactly?"
Luigi shrugged his shoulders. "I think it was the alleyway between Chef Torte's café and the little bookstore right there."
"What was her price?" The chief asked as he pulled a notepad from his pocket.
"Is that really necessary?"
He put on the most serious face he could muster. "Absolutely, it will help determine her location by asking residents around the area. Now what was the price?"
"I don't really remember, I think it was something like 50,000 coins."
The chief smiled and muttered to himself. "Just in my price range."
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing, nothing. Is that all you remember?"
"Yes, that's it until I woke up here." Luigi said with a frown.
"I see. Well, let me fill you in…"
In Rasablu's lair…
"Well zat was quite a show opener! Good job, Mario!" He turned off the television and reached for his cape. "Baba!"
"Yes, sir?"
Rasablu looked down and slapped him simply for the sake of slapping him. "We have more work to do. I'm bored and I must put someone else under my spell. Any ideas?"
Poor Baba hesitated and was going to reply until Rasablu kicked him.
"Zat was rhetorical, idiot. Come along, Baba."
They warped to Mushroom Kingdom in search of a new victim.
Meanwhile…
Bowser made his way down Main Street, his eyes full of tears.
"Ah, what's the matter big boy?" Daisy asked him from an alleyway.
He quickly turned and let out a low growl. "Who's there?"
Daisy jumped and emerged from the shadows in her usual tight outfit. "No need to get upset. It's only me." She winked as she approached him. "Why don't you let me turn that frown upside down?" She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.
Bowser ripped his arm away from her grip. "I'm not a lesbian…I'm not interested in what you have to offer."
Daisy gave him a look that spoke volumes. "Right…what are you then?"
He started crying profoundly, resting his head on Daisy's shoulder. "I'm a girl like you. You believe me right?"
The princess looked around for a moment. "Sure, yea I believe you." She said in a semi-sarcastic tone.
"I'm just so lost… I have no one and nowhere to turn to."
Daisy's face filled with delight as she got a wicked idea. "How 'bout we talk for a few minutes."
Back at the palace…
Peach had gone to bed early for the evening. She was exhausted from all the crisis going on around her.
There was a knock on the door to the castle. Toadstool, who was fixing to go to bed himself, looked to a clock. "Who could that be at this hour?" He approached the door and opened it.
Rasablu grinned as the king of Mushroom Kingdom came into view. "Good evening, your majesty." He said mockingly.
"Can I help you?"
The evil hypnotist nodded. "Of course, you're just ze person I wanted to see." He lifted Toadstool in the air and entered the castle. "Baba, close ze damn door."
At the police station…
"On national television?" Luigi asked in disbelief.
The chief nodded. "I'm sorry son, but yes."
Luigi felt as if he was going to cry. "So everyone who was watching the broadcast… everyone in Mushroom Kingdom… saw mini-Luigi?"
"I'm afraid so."
Luigi shut his eyes, trying to imagine this was a nightmare and any second he would awake. "What are my charges?"
The chief placed his hand on Luigi's shoulder. "Well, since you had no choice… we can't charge you with anything. You're free to go."
His eyes shot open and he looked toward the officer. "Really?"
The chief nodded and pointed to the door. "Really…but here's my card, give me a call sometime." He said with a wink.
Luigi quickly got up and walked toward the door, the chief slapping his ass as he walked by.
Meanwhile…
Peach was awakened by a pawing at her door. 'We don't have cat.' She thought as she got out of bed. "Hold on a second."
The pawing continued.
"I said hold on, bitch." She walked over to her door and opened it, there was a sudden brushing against her leg. Peach looked down to see her father. "Daddy?"
He simply continued to rub his face against her leg. "Meow."
"What are you doing?" She asked as she squatted beside him.
"Meow. Purrrrrr." He raised his hands and put them on her legs. She reached down and patted his head.
"Very funny…now get off the floor its not good for your back."
He seemed to ignore her and jumped onto her bed rolling around. "Meow, meow."
Peach shook her head. 'I cannot believe this. What the hell is going on?' She quickly brought her hand to her mouth. 'First Bowser thinks he's a girl, then Mario turns evil, and now my father is a damn cat. They must be related somehow.' She rushed over to him. "Dad, who did this to you?"
"Meow?"
"Bullshit, this is no use. I'm too tired to think about this now." She slipped beneath her sheets, patting the spot beside her. "Come here, kitty." Her father crawled over to her, resting his head on her leg. She began to pet him with a smile. "Good, kitty."
Outside of the police station…
Luigi called a cab service as he watched the chief get into a squad car and pull away. The taxi pulled up five minutes later and he told the driver the address of his home. After a few jokes about earlier that evening at the Academy Awards, the cab was in sight of his house. Luigi looked out the window and saw Daisy, Bowser, and the police chief.
"Stop the car." Luigi almost shouted.
The driver shrugged and pulled over. Luigi rushed out of the car and hid behind a garbage can.
"So how much is it, pretty lady?"
Luigi heard the voice of the chief as he watched.
Daisy grinned. "Well, since you are the police chief I guess I can give you a discount. Only 50,000 for the whole package… and for 10,000 more my friend here can join us."
To Luigi's disbelief Daisy pointed to Bowser who was dressed in black fishnet stockings, a snakeskin skirt, and a pink shirt that read "I'm Easy".
"Is that Bowser? That's always been a fantasy of mine…" The chief asked.
"Looks like it's your lucky day because it sure is. He just joined the team about an hour ago and he's great at giving…"
Luigi slipped and fell out from behind the trashcan.
The three others quickly turned to see him. Bowser was the first to speak. "Hey there, I could go for an orgy what do you say?"
His mouth dropped. "What is the world coming to?"
Daisy gave him a warm smile. "Look who it is. You're not gonna faint again are you?"
"No…but I think I'm going to throw up." He ran toward the cab and jumped in. "Drive, drive!"
The chief laughed as the car pulled away. "What a pussy."