School on Monday sees me reverting back to how I was on my first day. I refuse to speak to anyone, constantly have my head in a book or my music on so I don't have to interact with other people. Hearing my parents that night has sent me into a downward spiral, maybe I should just make myself disappear. Everyone would be a lot happier. Once again we watch a video in Biology so I'm not surprised when a note slides across the table to me.
EC:You ok? You seem quieter than usual and that's saying something! Annoyed I write back
E:I just want everyone to leave me alone. It's not like I want to be here anyway Edward looks confused as he replies
EC:Even me? I thought you had fun Saturday?
E:Yes I enjoyed myself but sometimes I think it'd be easier if I'd never come here
EC:You're not going to do something stupid are you? If you'd never moved here then I'd have been stuck working with Jessica - you've saved me from a fate worse than death!
E:There are worse things than death
I refuse to write anymore so we sit in silence him watching me out of the corner of his eye.
The rest of the month continues like this. Me in stony silence and the other students giving me a wide berth avoiding me like I'm diseased. Maybe I am, it would certainly explain a lot. Edward continually tries to engage me in conversation, sitting with me at lunch and in Biology even though I don't respond I admire his tenacity. I'd have given up by now.
By the next month I've had enough and relent occasionally speaking to him. The first time I answer his question I see his eyes light up like me talking is somehow important to him. It makes me happy to see him happy. We agree to meet up again at the weekend at my house even though my dad will be home. I'm petrified that dad will say something about what happened but things go ok. We spend the morning working on some of my math problems as I'm really struggling with the topic we've recently started then go for a drive in the afternoon. Nowhere special but we just drive around so I can see the sights of my new home before heading back to mine for something to eat.
After Edward leaves, I head to my room from the bathroom I hear my dad talking.
"Effy brought a guy over, I couldn't believe it. His father is a doctor, and he seems smart and a nice enough lad."
"How was she with him?" Mum sounds like she's on tenterhooks
"She kept her distance from him, but I think he's noticed that she doesn't like to be touched. He never got too close and she looked so happy when he got here. I've not seen Effy smile so much since before…"
"This is brilliant. I knew coming here would do her some good." I hear them slap high fives. My parents can be so childish when it comes to me.
I make the decision to start trying more with my developing friendship and to see where it takes me. Once back in my room I turn up my stereo and put on Things Can Only Get Better by D:Ream knowing my parents will hear it. Their laughter travels up the stairs to me and it sounds wonderful.
The following weeks pass quickly, a blur of school and hanging out with Edward. We spend our time listening to music, playing computer games, me reading with him playing the piano. I'm told about his biological and adopted siblings who I'm informed are all older so no longer live at home. Emmet, Alice and Edward are half brothers and sister, same mum different dads. Rosalie and Jasper are fraternal twins who were also adopted by Carlisle and Esme. Alice, Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie are in Europe on a gap year before going to university. I'm glad that I don't have to meet them properly any time soon, too many people make me nervous.
It's on one of these Saturdays that we're at my house, watching a film in my room because my parents are using the big screen downstairs at home for once. We're watching A Clockwork Orange as it's something that Edward hasn't seen yet. I'm enjoying myself laying on my bed with him sat close next to me until the scene at the writers house. When Alex begins 'Singing In The Rain' I tense up, drawing my knees up to my chest, it suddenly hurts to breathe and tears fall down my cheeks as memories flood through me. I need to escape but can't unlock my body enough to move. Edward pauses the movie after he notices the state that I'm in knowing that he can't touch me to help. Seeing his face filled with pain that he's unable to do anything makes me suddenly fling my arms around his neck taking us both by surprise.
"Hey…it's ok, it's just a movie" I feel him put his hand tentatively on my back rubbing it to comfort me.
"It's not that…I should tell you but I don't think I can" I sob into his neck. I haven't told him any of it, just given vague answers to his questions.
"You don't have to if you don't feel like it you know" I can tell he's curious as to what's caused the hysterics so rather than tell him myself I pull over my laptop and type his name and my hometown into the search engine clicking on the first link which takes me to an article by a local newspaper.
Local Man Charged With Rape
James Sinclair (21) has been charged with the assault and rape of a minor who was 15 at the time of the attack. Both had been at a house party where they had been drinking. The police report states that the victim had her drink spiked with a date rape drug before being taken to the beach where the incident occurred.
Yesterday a jury found Mr Sinclair guilty of all charges and he was sentenced to 6 years with a minimum of 3 years in prison and to pay his victim an undisclosed sum as compensation.
The article goes on but I close the window before he can read any more of it.
"That's why we had to move and why I'm like this. It's my fault." I sneak a glance at Edwards face, he's so angry it makes me cringe away from him.
"What do you mean your fault? This has nothing to do with you…right?" The anger has been replaced by confusion.
"I…It has everything to do with me. I'm the victim the article talks about"
"You mean you were…raped when you were 15? THAT BASTARD! How could he only get 6 years? " he's practically yelling, shocking me enough to make me move off the bed.
"Yeah, I felt like that but there's nothing I can do about it. He has to serve a minimum of 3 years and then can get out with good behaviour. Once out he has to go on the sex offenders register and there's a restraining order in place so he can't come near me, not that anyone from there knows where I am." I sound emotionless but then I've had a bit longer to deal with it all. "As far as they know I no longer exist and I'm glad of that. They put us through hell." A bit of anger leaks into my voice thinking of the shit I went through.
"I…I can't deal with this right now, I think I should go now" I'm crushed as he gets his things and goes home, the anger still evident in his green eyes. I shouldn't have showed him, now he's going to walk away from me just like my so called friends in San Francisco. Once they found out they refused to have anything else to do with me. I feel like I've been reduced to the size of an ant and been stepped on, the rejection causing me to detach from the world.
What could be days or weeks pass, I don't keep track anymore. I've not been to school the excuse being that I'm sick. I can't face being anywhere near him knowing that I've ruined any chance of a friendship just by saying what happened to me. Mum is currently trying to get me to eat something, she panics because I already have what's classed as 'disordered eating' habits. Basically I don't eat when I'm supposed to or just don't have anything at all. If left to my own devices I probably wouldn't even have got out of bed when dad yelled at me but here I am at the kitchen table trying to decide whether or not to eat the toast in front of me. I stare at it watching the butter melt not noticing mum and dad leave for work or when the door opens again. They must've left it unlocked. I put my head in my arms on the table and close my eyes, I have no energy.
"You know a bed is a much comfier place to sleep" Even though it's been ages I'd know that voice anywhere. Hearing it I burst into tears at last managing to cry after all the time I've been hiding at home.
"You…you left me." I sob keeping my face hidden in my arms.
"I'm so sorry. I just needed to get my head around everything. It's not everyday one of your friends tells you something like that happened to them. I felt so angry at first, then pity for you for having to move here to escape. Now it's all sorted in my mind I now feel like I did before you told me: my view of you hasn't changed now that I know." I raise my head seeing that he looks sincere before shock quickly crosses his features. I know I'm a mess.
"Who let you in?" I look back at my toast, the butter now congealing as it cools.
"Your dad. They're worried about you. So am I. You know it's been nearly 2 weeks since…well you know. After the first week I tried to come over but no one would answer the door. I thought you'd left until your dad called me asking to come over today. He said you're not eating, sleeping all the time, not coming out of your room unless forced. I've got to admit you look really ill."
"Oh…wait did they tell you to come and make me eat? Drag me out of the house or something? I'm not doing it." This is the most I've said since he left me alone.
"Well they did ask me to get you to eat something. I can cook if you want."
"I DON'T WANT TO!" I scream at him. I know I sound like a child but I really don't want to be forced. Tears start to fall again so I bury my head in my arms again. Through my sobs I can hear him moving about in the kitchen and then in the living room. The opening credits of Lord Of The Rings makes me follow him onto the sofa. I grab a blanket and curl up at the opposite end to him seeing that he's brought my favourite snacks through and put them within easy reach. Once the scene in Moria finishes I stretch my legs out and put them across Edwards lap then grab some popcorn. He doesn't say a word but the smile that spreads on his face shows he's pleased that I'm at least eating something. We spend the rest of the day watching Two Towers, the one condition I'm given is that I have to try one of Edwards omelettes before we continue the film. By the time Frodo, Sam and Gollum have crossed the Dead Marshes I've moved so my head is resting on Edwards shoulder and I'm asleep with his arm around me.
I don't hear the sound of the front door opening, just the whispers of my parents and Edward.
"Hi Mr & Mrs Jensen. We were watching a movie and she fell asleep. We both ate earlier but I haven't cleaned up yet. Do you want me to carry her upstairs?"
"You are a miracle worker!" Mum squeals making me stir.
"Thank you…I can't tell you how much it means that Effy is comfortable with you." Dad sounds choked up but happy.
"Effy…do you want me to carry you to your room or do you want to walk?" Edwards moves his arm from my shoulders so I nod then snuggle into his chest feeling the rumble as he laughs. It's such a nice sound I think as he picks me up and takes me to my room placing me gently on my bed then pulls my quilt over me. Opening my eyes slightly I whisper "Thank you" quietly. I sound drunk with sleep. He laughs again as he leaves.
The next few days I stay at home though I've promised mum and dad that I'll go back to school on Friday. That way if it's really bad I'll have the weekend to cope before going back in again. They weren't happy but agreed on the condition that if I do have any problems that I either call them, Edward or his parents. Edward told me that he'd had to tell them because they knew something was wrong that day when he got home from my house. At first I was angry because I didn't know how they'd react but thankfully Esme and Carlisle are just as understanding as their son. They didn't tell his brothers and sisters but from what I've been told they're all coming for a visit before the next leg of their gap year starts this weekend and Esme is going to tell them then.
Edward has been coming over after school bringing my work and tutoring me so I don't fall behind. After we finish the work, he makes me something to eat and if I'm good and finish it all then we watch a film before he goes home.
Thursday night we're on the sofa watching The Pianist, me eating a bar of chocolate leaning on Edwards shoulder again. He hasn't put his arm around me like he has before and I'm a little upset by it so I move to the other end of the seat before getting up and going to the kitchen to get a drink. When I come back in I sit in another chair putting lots of distance between us.
"I'm scared" I admit. His head snaps around, eyes widening when he sees how far away I am from him.
"Scared of what? Come back here…my sides getting cold" he sticks his tongue out so I know he's not being serious.
"Going back tomorrow" I get up and move next to him again. I'm tense and I know he can feel my tight muscles through the thin blanket that's wrapped around me. "I'm terrified that everyone is going to know or think I'm crazy." I jump slightly as he places his hands on either side of my face giving me no choice but to look him in the eye. So green it's like the colour of the moss in the woods back in England, deep and comforting.
"I'll be with you nearly all the time and no one knows why you've been out of school. The only gossip is whether or not the receptionist is having an affair with the Principal, it's quite funny really. You have nothing to worry about."
"What about when you're not with me?" I don't like the idea of being on my own and it scares me how dependant I've become on Edward in such a short time span.
"Then you just have to think about when you'll be able to see me again." He smiles and lets go of my face turning back to the film.
My thoughts are a mess as I sit there my concentration shattered as worry and doubt creep in. The film soon ends and as he gets up to leave he cups my cheek in his hand. I flinch slightly at the contact.
"I'll pick you up in the morning. It will be fine, I promise." I feel bad for not believing him.