25th of August 1881
Dear diary!
I am so very happy! Nels came home today! At four o'clock this afternoon Nellie came in to the store and told me that Nels was coming. I flung the fabric which I was measuring aside and ran to meet him. Oh was I glad to see him! He was standing with his back to me but that did not stop me from embracing him. It was so nice to be near him again after nine days apart. Strangely enough, he did not seem as happy to see me. I am sure that he was just nervous! I asked him if we could have his delicious pork roast for supper but he did not give me a real answer. As we sat down to have dinner I was disappointed to find that he had not granted my wish. He had just fixed us a couple of cold sandwiches. But who can blame him? I am sure that he is dead tired! Oh, how nice it is to have him home again. I'm so happy I could cry.
Nels is downstairs locking up the store at the moment and I am preparing a nice little surprise for him. I am sure that he has longed for me while we've been apart so I'm going to put on my beautiful new nightgown from Paris (which Nels admired in the catalogue a couple of months ago) and wear ribbons in my hair. I'm sure that he will be overjoyed! But wait… I don't think I'll take my new nightgown. No, I'll wear my regular yellow one. I don't want Nels to think that I've tried too hard to look beautiful for him. Besides, I will not be wearing the nightgown for long… I can hear him walking up the stairs so I better get ready. Oh, how very happy I am!
11:56 p.m
I should not be writing at this moment. Tears are falling down my cheeks and onto the page and ruining what I have already written. But I can't help it; I have to get this off my chest. I am so afraid that Nels does not love me anymore. For the first time since we married, he turned away from me in bed. He has never ever done that! I can figure out what I did wrong? I just slipped into bed, leaned over, placed a kiss on his cheek and told him that I had missed him. To my surprise he did not say anything. I asked him if he had missed me. Oh dear god, do you know what his answer was? He said:
"I was awfully busy Harriet. It really didn't have much time to think about it."
I never felt so hurt in my entire life! Well… maybe I have. But I don't want to think about what happened between Russell and me all those years ago. That is history! I tried to pretend that Nels's word did not hurt me and I said to him that I wished that he would not go out again. But he told me that business is good and that he is leaving the day after tomorrow. If this is not bad enough he will be taking a larger stock and will be out longer. What is the matter with him? Why is he doing this to me? We have had our arguments and quarrels before but he has never been like this. What am I to do? What can I do? I have a feeling that I am losing him. That I can't get through to him. Well… I just feel so sad! It is late and I'll better get back to bed. Nels fell asleep just a minute after dismissing me but I could of course not fall asleep. Hopefully I'll be able to get a couple of hour's good sleep after getting this off my heavy chest, but I doubt it. I'll hope that Nels will be back to his old self tomorrow and that I will be able to convince him to stay home. I am sure that I will be successful! He couldn't possibly dismiss me two times in a row. That is impossible!