I know some of you have been wondering how this story is rated M, but this chapter is your answer. We're almost to the end of the road, kids. One more chapter after this, and we're done. Don't forget the tissues/privacy!

Every time her phone rings, Rachel's heart skips a beat, her mind reminding her too late that it can't be Jesse calling her.

She doesn't recognize the number, and false hope has her answering, closing her eyes as she waits, praying to hear his voice on the other end.

She listened to his voice mail message over and over until— presumably— the battery finally died or his family threw his phone out, and there are some nights that she knows she would do anything to hear him talk to her.

Today, however, a female voice answers her shaky hello?, and Rachel's breath catches in her throat as recognition washes over her.

"M-Mrs. St. James."

"Yes— you were at my son's funeral, yes? I believe there's something here that belongs to you, if you'd like to pick it up. And— please do tell your parents that your number is absolutely impossible to find in the phone book? I had to look through Jesse's things to even get a hold of it, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, I'm not all that fond of doing these days."

"I-I'm sorry. Um—" It's all too much at once, and Rachel swallows hard as she closes her eyes. "Can I— wh-when would be convenient for me to drop by?"

They agree on four o'clock that afternoon to give Rachel enough time to drive out to Akron. It's a Sunday, the first day without rain in a while, the roads mostly clear on her drive.

She does her best not to cry, not wanting Mrs. St. James to see it on her face and in her eyes, and so she drives in silence, not daring to risk listening to her iPod lest she loses it again. All it takes is a second, one musical note, one single memory of him.

She makes it, just barely, parking her car outside their drive. Anything else feels too close, too intimate to Jesse's past, a part of his life that she was never let into, and supposedly with good reason.

A part of her, she knows, could use the air, Rachel reminding herself as the cold stings in her lungs with her slow walk up the circular driveway. Her arms wrap snugly around her torso to keep her coat close and her surroundings out, and finally, slowing down no longer has any use, her feet shuffling awkwardly in front of the large door.

She hates this place.

She's only been here twice, but she already knows from those few glimpses alone— this is the face Jesse put on for the outside world, not the Jesse she got to see.

Slowly raising her hand to ring at the doorbell, Rachel holds her breath, goosebumps littering her arms despite her coat and gloves. Heels clack rhythmically on the parquet inside, and she can't help but stare at her feet, the door creaking open a second later.

"Oh, you're on time." There's a small pause as Rachel lifts her gaze to look at the older woman, seeing a flicker of herself in her eyes. It's just for a split second, and she promptly straightens again, her expression neutralizing once more as she reaches for a small box on a stand beside the door.

But she did see a brief glimpse of herself in there, no matter how slight it might have been.

Regret.

"Here. The maid came across it and said your name was on the letter inside." She gives a curt nod, and Rachel takes her cue to nod her acknowledgment as she takes a slow step back.

"Thanks. I mean... I, um... really appreciate you calling me and letting me know."

Rachel tries not to think too hard about the fact that this woman would have been her mother-in-law if things had just gone a little differently as the door closes in front of her, and she slowly glances down at the box in her hands as she makes the walk back to her car.

If anything, it feels longer this time, and she casts one last glance back at the St. James estate before exiting the grounds, suddenly realizing that her legs are trembling as they carry her to her car.

The box doesn't look like much from the outside with the lone exception of the JSJ inscription in one corner, and she slowly unlatches the lid to open it.

All that's inside is a small envelope, her name written neatly on one side in what is clearly Jesse's handwriting.

Carefully letting her fingernail slip underneath the paper to tear as gently as she can manage, she tugs out a small piece of paper.

Rachel,

If you find this, do your boyfriend a favor and pretend you didn't. I promise you'll regret it if you pry...

All my love,

Jesse.

The slightly sad smile on her face slowly fades as she looks more closely. The box looks too shallow judging from the outside, and it doesn't take her another minute to figure out the mechanism to remove the makeshift bottom.

She can't stop the gasp that falls from her lips, her head falling back against the headrest behind her as her eyes close.

Tears have become her closest friend ever since she found out, and now is no different, raw sobs shaking her as her hand moves to cover her mouth, wishing she had some way to trap the painfully aching emotions inside for once.

The engagement ring is beautiful, easily the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

Four hours to Akron, an hour to cry in her car, and another four hours back home have her late for dinner that night, not that her dads bother asking for her to be there anymore.

If they notice the ring on her finger, they don't remark on it, and they let her slip upstairs easily after just a handful of questions— where did you go? are you sure you're okay? you know we're here for you, right?

"Hey Rach, what's going on?" Finn's voice sounds too light-hearted for what she's about to do, and before she can even answer, she's already crying.

"I-I can't do this anymore, Finn."

Her voice sounds clouded enough with tears that she worries for a second that he won't be able to understand her, but the silence inevitably gives him away.

"What? Rach, no—"

"Finn, listen to me, please, I'm— I'm begging you, I-I can't."

"Is this because of that thing you haven't been telling me? Rach— please! We can work this out! Don't give up on us like this! Please!"

It hurts enough as it is. Finn's voice is so full of hope that she wants to tear her heart out, and it's all she can do not to hang up on him.

"Don't ask me why, Finn," she whispers, squeezing her eyes shut. "Please, please don't."

"Don't you think I deserve to know why you're breaking up with me? Rachel, please, you're the most important thing in my life. I love you!"

She's quiet for a long moment. When she finally opens her eyes, her gaze inevitably falls on the ring on her finger, the whole future Jesse had planned out for them that she threw in his face, the fact that he was completely sure, completely— that she was it.

"... but I don't love you enough."

"... look, Rachel. I understood your need to take some time off from competing, but this isn't like you. Now, we did Sectionals just fine even without your help, but we could really use your talent during Regionals. We're up against Dalton, and I just don't think the others are strong enough to beat them without you."

Rachel feels like she's in a zoo, on exhibit, and she shifts uncomfortably in the seat opposite her show choir director, holding her breath as she keeps her gaze awkwardly fixed at the edge of the desk, where the rubber has just started to peel off.

"I-I really don't think I'm... ready for that."

"Rachel..." he sighs, getting up to sit at the edge of the desk in front of her. She's supposed to look up at him with big, wide, bright eyes, eager to absorb all the adult-like wisdom he has to offer, she knows, but she can't. It all feels so much like an act, and she hasn't felt much like pretending for a while. "It's been over a month... don't you think it's time to move on?" He's quiet for a moment, watching her face as Rachel's fist clenches in her lap. "Don't you think Jesse would want you to look forward, instead of backward?"

Rachel swallows hard as she slowly gets up to walk to the door and meets his gaze, as coolly as she can still manage. "... I think Jesse would want me to follow the advice of someone who is not quite so obviously biased towards his own goals."

"Rachel—!"

She doesn't bother going to glee that day.

The next day she does, it's a mistake.

Kurt doesn't mean for it to happen. It's her fault, really, letting it go on unsaid for this long, too scared to give Finn the truth, and even if Kurt insists on apologizing endlessly for letting it slip, she knows the only truly guilty party is she.

So when Finn storms in looking lethal, she already knows what to expect.

"You— how could you? How could you keep that from me!"

All eyes are on her, but she doesn't respond, her gaze falling into her lap, her fingers touching on the ring around her neck for some semblance of comfort in the midst of this assault.

Her heart hurts.

"You don't even have anything to say to me? Nothing?"

"Finn, I don't think Rachel needs this right now—"

"No, you know what! I want to know, why it's always me who doesn't know about this crap! It's like everyone's been talking about this for weeks behind my stupid back and I'm sitting here like an idiot thinking my girlfriend still loves me when she's pining for some dead guy!"

"Finn, please—" Rachel can't stop herself from crying. She wonders if this is what it feels like, wanting to sink into the floor and disappear as a chair clatters angrily onto the floor.

"No! You don't get to do this to me anymore! I can't believe this keeps fucking happening! What, were you fucking him behind my back, too, to get back at me for something else I did when I was ten, or something?"

She can hear Puck shift closer just behind her, and for once, she can't even blame him.

"Finn!" Kurt finally shouts, clambering out of his seat to try and grab hold of his step-brother, not that it does much good, what with Finn yanking himself free with a glare.

"Finn, I didn't cheat on you with him!" her voice is hoarse from crying as she gets up to go after him, shaking off Puck's attempt to hold her back.

"Oh yeah?" Finn grabs hold of the chain around her neck as her eyes go wide, slowly shaking her head. "What's this, then, did he give you this, too?"

"No, Finn, don't!"

One second, the chain tears, Rachel feeling the miserable, sharp tug digging into her neck before something snaps.

The next second, holding back seems impossible, tears bubbling forth as she starts to sob, raucous and desperate, wishing this could have happened anywhere but here.

She only barely catches the next few events through her tears, Finn stumbling back a bit, shoving the ring at a horrified-looking Kurt, storming out. At one point, Rachel crumbles down onto the floor, crying too hard to hear anything around her, the efforts of her so-called friends to try and console her.

Kurt hands her back the ring at one point, and she doesn't even hesitate to slip it onto her finger where it belongs, feeling far more ashamed of herself than she does Finn.

It's a strange parallel— she's not surprised when Quinn later finds her again in the choir room, the two of them just sitting quietly, the pad of Rachel's thumb refusing to leave the ring alone even for a second, terrified it might disappear if she doesn't watch it closely enough.

Just before getting up to go, Quinn sighs, slowly nodding at Rachel.

"I get it."

And when she goes to temple that night, there's someone else that gets it.

The whole school knows now, not that it matters so much anymore.

"There isn't really anything you could have done differently," Puck tells her after the service as she wipes absently at her eyes, staring down at her feet, nodding. "I think you did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."

Rachel looks up at him, slowly shaking her head. "No. It does."

"Jesse was a good guy," he says quietly, comforting hand on her shoulder, and she has to fight to hold her tears back as he leaves to join his mother and sister again.

"Oh my god!" Rachel hears herself laugh, loud, genuine, and completely foreign to her own ears by now, for the first time, in a long time. "I can't believe you're filming this!"

"Surprise," Jesse chuckles softly, adjusting the camera angle a bit to keep her from grabbing the camera away from him, tilting it towards his face as he grins. "I can't have my beautiful girlfriend's face go unappreciated, right?"

"Jesse!" Rachel whines from outside the video frame, before Jesse waves her over, trying— and mostly failing, their chins cut off slightly— to film both of them at once.

"See? Two unbelievably sexy people. If we ever reproduce, the world is going to have to watch out..." He grins, turning his attention towards her as the camera wavers a bit, Rachel still putting on a bright showface smile for the video. "But you know, I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky one here."

He softly kisses her cheek before— Rachel remembers, though it's not visible in the video— patting her ass and moving to place the camera between two tree branches, fixing the angle of the video a bit.

"You never did tell me why you're doing this," she grins as he walks back over to her, easily gathering her up into his arms, her legs around his waist to let him spin her more easily.

"Well," he beams, face flushing a bit from happiness and excitement, "LA is kind of far away... and I'm going to want every single reminder of just how beautiful and incredible my girlfriend is while I'm there, waiting for you to visit me."

"We can always skype, you know," she laughs as he ducks his head to kiss her chest, repositioning her on his hips a bit.

"Not the same."

On the other end of the video, Rachel can't stop herself from crying. Jesse alone is worth the tears, but to realize what the reason behind this video was in the first place— knowing they wouldn't be talking endlessly on the phone, wouldn't be having long skype sessions between the two of them— is enough to break her heart.

One of the lines from one of his letters echoes harshly in her head, and she has to fight not to close her eyes to make sure she keeps watching every single second of him.

I wish I'd just kept you.

She's about to reach to turn the video off when it promptly transitions, Rachel on her side on the bed as she giggles about him fiddling with the camera positioning on her desk.

"Well? Aren't you coming...?"

"Almost," he breathes softly through his concentration on adjusting the focus of the camera just right.

"I still can't believe you talked me into doing this."

Realization hits her square in the chest, and she pulls her knees up under her chin, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she presses her lips together, tears getting the better of her again.

She forgot this was on here, too, that he'd just sent her the whole thing in one file, resulting in a terrible joke about how they'd never be able to show this video to their kids (Lillian Grace for a girl, Benjamin Nathaniel for a boy).

Now it just feels like the world is playing some sick joke on her

"It's not like anyone but us is ever going to see..." he mutters, finally joining her on the bed as he moves to hover over her.

They didn't have sex the first time after the carebear incident when she'd claimed she was ready, and Jesse didn't push anymore after she'd said no. It was Rachel who decided to come to him, asking him if he didn't want her anymore, because if one thing was true— she certainly wanted him.

It had really been epic romance.

The whole weekend to themselves, Jesse had set up candles, wine, music— from her iTunes, to make up for the mixtape he'd forgotten at his house. She'd never felt so loved.

Seeing herself look as happy as she does, too, watching the video, Rachel can't stop the tears, isn't even trying anymore, her chin resting uneasily on her knee as she bites her lip.

"Mmm, god, you're so beautiful," he mutters as he kisses a slow trail down her neck, his hands coming up to undo the buttons of her blouse. "You do realize," he whispers against her skin, looking up at her through hooded eyes as she squirms under him, "that I don't deserve you one bit."

"I think you're insane," Rachel laughs, her hands running into his hair as he pulls open her shirt, reaching behind her to undo her bra.

"Here, sit up, I need to worship my goddess properly," he chuckles softly, tugging her blouse off of her as she wiggles her shoulders, the straps of her bra sliding down her arms and letting both articles land on the floor, Jesse urging her to lay back down again, his hand on her breast, mouth softly sucking on her pert nipple.

"So perfect," he mutters, greedily taking more of her breast into his mouth as his tongue laves against her skin.

"Jesse..." she whimpers, "would you stop teasing?"

"No," he chuckles softly, glancing up at her with a grin as he slips his hand under her skirt to tease through her panties, "I'm determined to take my time with this."

And he does. By the time he gets his mouth down to her abdomen, Rachel is a quivering mess, and he kisses, sucks, and licks his way up the inside of her thigh far, far too slowly, determined to tease. Flipping her skirt up, he finally drags her panties down, miserably slow.

"Jesse, please!"

"Mmm, as the lady requests," he breathes softly, letting his fingers tease at her folds before softly pressing inside of her, his mouth starting to slowly lap at her clit as he keeps her legs spread to him.

Rachel is lost in a series of moans and whimpers, her hands tangled horribly tightly in the pillow behind her, her back arched perfectly up against his mouth's assault.

"Jesse—!"

"It's okay, baby, come for me."

Her whole body tenses suddenly for a long moment, her head pressing back, incoherent noises taking hold of her as she whines, loud and desperate, Jesse getting up and repositioning himself.

He was shirtless to start with, but he kicks off his jeans easily before settling between her legs, leaning down to kiss her, hard. "God, baby, want you so much—"

Rachel nods with a whimper, still out of breath from her orgasm, and he softly kisses a trail up her neck and to just under her ear.

"Ready for me?"

"Please, Jesse!"

A slow exhale gives way to his pushing inside of her, Rachel gasping as she clings to him. He always waited for her to adjust to his size before starting to move, but she knows she's too lost in the feeling here to care, tears still streaming down her face as she watches him make love to her, nothing but gasps and whimpers and I love yous falling from their lips.

He waits for her to come first, his fingers working at her clit to make her clench around him again— this time his cock instead of his fingers— and when he follows her, the look of absolute peace and happiness on his face is overwhelming, just before he settles his arms around her and pulls her in close, littering kisses over her face.

"Jesse," she hears herself whisper through a haze of tears, her hands reaching out to touch on the screen, wishing she could hold him, touch him one last time as she finds the ring on her finger once again.

The video ends too soon, leaving out the extensive cuddling that inevitably followed their sex, and Rachel's hands around her torso aren't enough to hold her, aren't enough to make up for the fact that Jesse is gone and won't ever be able to hold her again.