Friends and Neighbours

Truly and Compo sat at their usual table as Clegg ordered three cups of tea.

"Could I have a bun on appro?" Compo called over to Ivy.

"Appro? What does this look like? Harrods?" she asked incredulously and shook her head slowly, "I'm glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth!"

"Man, I could murder a bun right now!" he sighed, looking longingly at the stack of freshly baked, white-iced buns.

"Well," Ivy barked, "when you pay for one, you can do with it whatever you'd like!"

Clegg returned with their tea cups. Truly absent-mindedly poured too much milk into his and shoveled three heaping spoonfuls of sugar. Clegg tittered at the sight and shook his head.

Compo snuggled up to Truly, sniffing.

"Hey up! What's that pong?" he chuckled.

"Um, what pong?" Truly asked, trying to sound innocent.

"That scent you're wearin'."

"Have you got scent on, Truly?" Clegg asked teasingly.

"Ah, thou fancies her!" Compo taunted, stirring his tea.

Truly turned red and glared indignantly.

"'Tis like that time thou thought Audrey Nash was back in town! Remember?" Compo snickered.

Clegg tittered, "Oh, I remember that! He got all outfitted at Auntie Wainwright's in Oxford bags and a too-small jacket! He looked a right treat! Hee Hee!"

Truly bristled, "Are we going to drink tea or take the mickey?"

"Give over!" Compo scoffed and poked Truly's arm playfully.

"You can try to drink that concoction you've got in your cup!" Clegg chuckled.

Truly's thoughts began to wander and he got that faraway look in his eyes.

Pearl and Nora walked in, shaking raindrops from their collars. Nora's gaudy blue hat looked like an overstuffed peacock.

"What can I get you ladies?" Ivy asked.

"Two teas, please, Ivy," Nora stated, "And two cream cakes."

Pearl gazed round the café and cast a look at the trio sitting at their usual table. She swiveled her head back to Ivy.

"What's with him?" she asked, motioning to Truly, "He looks absolutely barmy. I know that look. My Howard walks round in a similar state!"

Ivy shrugged, "He came in that way!"

"He fancies her!" Compo blurted.

"But I thought you still loved the former Mrs. Truelove!" Clegg goaded.

Truly blanched, his nostrils flared, and he scowled at Compo and Clegg.

"Her who?" Nora asked, taking the tray of tea and cake plates to the table.

"Her who's moved in next door!" Compo spewed, then turned to Nora Batty, "See? Neighbors can be lovers, Love! There's hope for us yet!"

"We're barely neighbors!" steamed Nora, wrinkling her nose at him.

"Shuddup!" Truly hissed at Compo through clenched teeth.

"What's her name, Truly?" Pearl inquired between nibbles of cream cake, "We've not met her."

"Yes. You never did give her name, now that you mention it," Clegg interjected.

"I didn't mention it!" Truly snapped, frowning.

"Truly and Neighbor Lady sitting in a tree," Compo sang, "K-I-S-S-I…Ulp!"

Truly stomped Compo's foot under the table.

"Hey up! What'dst thou do that for? I was only taking the wee-wee, Truly!" Compo batted his eyelashes boyishly at him.

Truly stood and secured his hat, "I need some fresh air, fellas."

He tipped his hat to Pearl, Nora, and Ivy, "Ladies," and exited.

Pearl followed him with her eyes, "Oh, he's got it bad!"

Nora looked over at Cleggy and Compo, "You two had better go with him. There's no telling what kind of mischief he could get into in that addled state!"

Clegg and Compo scrambled to their feet and dashed out the door after their friend.

"You don't suppose he and this neighbor lady…you know..." Nora pondered, a disgusted look on her face.

Pearl, Ivy and Nora watched Clegg and Compo rush up the street and out of sight.

"Him?" Pearl scoffed, "Nah! He's as dozy as the other two!"

There was a furious knocking at Norman Clegg's front door. Expecting Howard, Clegg rolled his eyes and went back to ironing his vest.

"Quarantine!" he yelled to the closed door.

"Clegg, it's me, Truly. Open up!" Truly whispered loudly.

Clegg breathed a sigh of relief. He opened the door for his friend and stuck his head outside to ensure the area was Howard-free.

"Clegg, I need to talk to you," Truly said as he entered the house.

"I'll put the kettle on," he said, realizing this was going to take awhile. He unplugged the iron.

"I'm in a quandary. I think I'm in love with Melanie."

"So that's her name! The woman of mystery has a name. Hee hee!" Clegg teased.

"I'm serious. I know I'm quite a bit older than she is, but I feel compelled to protect her and the boys…" Truly insisted.

"Truly, you haven't slept with her, have you?" Clegg asked, eyeing his friend from beneath his brows, waiting for the answer and wincing.

"Norman Clegg!" Truly gasped, wide-eyed, "I'm surprised at you! The former Mrs. Truelove trained me better than that! I haven't even so much as kissed her."

Clegg chuckled, a little relieved, "Then what?"

"I feel like a silly old fool for saying this: the other day when we were at the laundry, her hand brushed mine as we folded linens. My heart raced and I could feel myself actually blushing! It felt like electricity all the way to my ankles! I turned away and folded my underwear so she couldn't see me."

"Ah, the magic of Persil!" Clegg tittered.

"I'm serious! Please don't tell anyone, Cleggy!" Truly insisted.

"Between you and Howard, I feel like an agony aunt!"

"She invited me to dinner the other night. Fried chicken, mash, and gravy!" he sighed, smiled widely, and his eyes slid half-shut at the memory.

"Fried chicken and you're in love? There is truth to the saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" Clegg quipped.

"It wasn't just the fried chicken, Cleggy. We talked. We laughed. It's been a long time since I've done that with a woman. All Mabel and I ever did was fight."

"What were those fights about, anyway? You always mention them," Clegg inquired, momentarily steering Truly off-topic.

"You name it!," Truly nodded, "If it was sunny, we fought. If it was raining, we fought. She had a good right hook, my Mabel! Won several boxing contests at the county fair!"

Clegg laughed heartily and shook his head.

Truly explained the full scope of the situation to his friend. Norman Clegg listened intently and objectively. He made no judgments, as it was clear Truly's heart was in a very delicate condition. After several cups of tea, Truly decided he would introduce his friends to Melanie soon. Truly stood to leave and there came a familiar frantic drumming on the door.

"Noise curfew!" Clegg called.

"Cleggy," Howard whinged through the letterbox, "I need to talk to you!"

"You'll have to make an appointment, Howard. And I'm booked solid through next Christmas!"

"Oh, Cleggy, how can you do that to an old friend?" Howard moaned.

"Easily, Howard. We're closed!" Clegg stated firmly, then turned to Truly and the two chuckled.

Truly collected his hat and turned to leave. As the door creaked open, Howard ushered himself inside.

Norman Clegg sighed exasperatedly, "I don't know why I even bother!"

"Oh, Cleggy!" Howard grinned, "You're a life-saver!"

"Yes, Cleggy! You are a life-saver," Truly echoed, mimicking Howard as he left.

"Ring me if you need anything, Truly!"

"Thanks, Clegg," he said as he left.

"How come I can't ring you if I need anything, Cleggy?" Howard asked.

"Because you always need something, Howard! It'd be like being married to you if I let you ring me at random!"

"Pearl has been following me!" Howard explained.

"So you came here?" he shook his head, "If you wouldn't give Pearl cause to mistrust you, she wouldn't follow you!"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was washing the windows and I stepped away for a minute to rinse out my cleaning rag, I didn't want to come over with a dirty window washing rag in my hands, Cleggy, that's all."

"Well, where's the rag, now?" Clegg asked looking at Howard's empty hands.

"I must have dropped it outside somewhere."

"It didn't happen to drop when you were canoodling with Marina, did it?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Marina. Blonde," Clegg held his hand horizontal at his eye level, "About this tall...works at the CO-OP."

"I only shop at Tesco's!" Howard countered, looking around nervously, his hands clasped in front of him.

"What do you want, Howard?"

At that instant, there came an insistent knocking at the door.

"Come out, Howard," Pearl yelled, "I know you're in there!"

"Hide me Cleggy!" Howard pleaded.

"I have just the place! Pearl would never think to look for you here!" Norman Clegg said as he led Howard to the front door. He opened the door and pushed Howard out of his house.

Pearl's hand flew to Howard's ear and she snatched him by his earlobe and dragged him home.

"Thanks, Cleggy," Howard groaned, "You're a life saver!"