I'm actually starting to like writing this story. How strange. Maybe it's because I've got the end all planned out. I still need to figure out some of the stuff in the middle though. Or maybe it's just because people were so nice to me. I've got more than ten reviews! Yay! Now I only have 96 chapters and 990 more reviews to go 8D. (Winks at Cornorama). Seriously, I don't think this story will be very long. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't even reach ten chapters.
Scarlett was going back to Atlanta because she was sick of it. She knew if she went back, the Old Guard would look at her venomously and talk atrociously behind her back, but she couldn't bear to see Suellen's smug face anymore, or feel Will's pity for her, and that was enough of a reason to go confront Mrs. Merriwether.
And of course, Mammy was coming. She partly wanted Mammy to stay because that way she would finally be free from her, and partly because Mammy was getting old. She deserved a rest, after all.
But Mammy obviously didn't want to rest. She wanted to keep an eye on her lamb. And if it meant hauling her heavy carcass all the way up to Atlanta, so be it. She wouldn't let Miss Scarlett get into any more trouble when she wasn't there, a divorce was bad enough already.
Scarlett also wanted to get some news from Rhett. She knew Will was extremely likely to be right, but she also knew there was no way she would listen to him. She would get Rhett back. She had to. Deep down, she knew that it was selfish of her, that she really didn't deserve Rhett, and that Rhett wouldn't love her again. But she ignored her conscience and Will and pushed them to the back of her mind, even though she knew they were both likely to be correct.
She would miss Tara. But she just couldn't stay any longer.
Her house felt bleaker and gloomier than ever. She didn't want to sleep in this big bedroom, all alone… It was too lonely. And the memories that she had tried to ignore, were everywhere. When she looked at the lawn, she remembered Bonnie jumping on Mr. Butler, when she looked at the stairs she remembered her miscarriage, when she looked at Wade and Ella she remembered… she remembered Rhett. She always ended up thinking of Rhett. "Maybe coming back to Atlanta was a bad idea after all" she thought after only four days.
She had asked the lawyer, asked the bank, she had even written to Pauline and Eulalie. No results. Rhett wasn't in Charleston, so he was probably somewhere in Paris, or London or maybe he was in New Orleans again. But he could just as well be in China, for all she knew. If he had been in Charleston, she probably would have gone there too, just to see him. But she had absolutely no idea where he was, and she couldn't possibly follow him. Rhett probably knew she would try to chase him anyway, and so he had left Charleston, to somewhere she did not know, that way she would leave him alone. Well, Rhett was definitely smarter than her.
She had visited Ashley because of a feeling of responsibility, and he was awful. A few years earlier, her heart would have been broken to see him in this state. The look of bitterness and despair he had had since the war had worsened. He was often unshaved, and he looked like he had no reason to live anymore, which made sense since Melanie was the only thing that had kept him going since Appomattox. His eyes were haggard, he went to work only a few times a week, and he was quickly losing money, yet he didn't seem to care. Scarlett also believed that he had started drinking. Ashley Wilkes, an alcoholic! It was unbelievable.
And poor little Beau, who only had India to take care of him now, was no longer the happy little child he once was. He had seldom heard any sharp words directed to him before, and now both aunt India and Father scolded him frequently. And usually it was because he was too loud, or because he was running in the house, or for any small thing at all, really. Beau didn't like Aunt India at all, and wished she would go back to live with Aunt Pittypat like she used to until Melanie's death. But India was going to stay a long time.
Scarlett was discouraged. She was supposed to be taking care of Ashley, but she had no idea how. He obviously needed help very much, but she simply couldn't help him. If he wouldn't go to work, the suggestions she gave him about the mills were useless, and it annoyed her greatly. She couldn't just throw money at him, could she? He would refuse her money anyway because of his damned honor. And it would be plain stupid to ask him to stop drinking. After all, wasn't she drinking too? But it was apparent that she drank less heavily than him. He always had bags under his eyes, a perpetual hangover, and stinky breath. Beau, though, was easier to take care of. She simply bought him some new clothes and talked to him as gently as she could, and it made the boy quite happy. She invited Beau to come over and play, although India seemed very displeased by it, and took care to never, ever mention Melanie. Not only because it would make Beau sad, but because she might start crying too.
She knew she was still considered a rogue by the old guard, and she knew they thought she was a bad influence for Beau. Some of them even whispered that her being nice to Beau was just a ploy to catch Ashley. Scarlett wasn't informed of this rumor, but if she had been, she would have laughed grimly and told them that even if she caught Ashley, she wouldn't know what to do with him anyway. The old guard also said that she and Rhett were divorced, which was uncomfortably close to the truth.
Scarlett knew it was dumb of her, but she really hoped that Rhett would come back, tell her that he had missed her, that it was all a mistake, and that he still loved her. Then they would live as happily as possible without Bonnie. But her common sense knew it would never happen. The man she loved had to be the one that would never love her. Or at least never love her again. She had had his heart, without knowing or wanting it, and just as she realized the truth, he went away, just like that. Rhett was taking his revenge over her, because of all these lon years she had spent torturing him.
"Why must I always fall in love with men I can't have?" She sighed to herself.
"Eef ya could have'em easily, ya wudn't be in love wid dem, wud ya? Ya had Charles an' Frank easily, an' ya' din' like'em none." Mammy replied. Scarlett hadn't even noticed Mammy was in the same room with her. "Ya don' care 'bout whut yo' have, all ya' want is whut ya' kain have. Ah tinks ya should stop doin' dat, or yo' not gonna be happy very offen in yo' life."
Scarlett was stunned. "What do you mean? That I'm not taking care of my children correctly? That I'm not good enough to you? That I'm a terribly selfish person?"
"No'm. Yo' good ter me. But ya should care moar 'bout yo' chillun. Whut if sometin' happens to dem too? Ah'd be nicer to dem for shore. Ya' took Miss Melly for granted an' den she done died. An' Ah know yo regrettin' it. Some'un e'se mite die too, an' den yo'll regret it agin. Ah seggest ya act nicer ter eve'yone." Mammy shuffled away slowly, grumbling something about silly white folks and horrible accidents happening all the time.
Scarlett felt scared. Why was Mammy always right? Worse, what would she do when Mammy died? "Mammy?"
"Yes'm?"
"I love you. I just wanted you to know that."
Mammy's eyes wrinkled and she smiled. "Ah knows, honey."
"Excuse me now, but I want to see my children very much." Scarlett ran out of the room. She saw Wade reading a book in the parlor, and hugged him as tight as she could.
"I love you Wade. Really I do. I'm so sorry." Wade thought Mother might start sobbing, but instead she ran up the stairs calling Ella.
"Mother, tell us what happened after that!" Ella cried.
Scarlett sighed, resigned. The story of her life was the only story Ella actually paid attention to.
"The Yankees were coming and Beau… Well, he was coming too." Scarlett had already told this story a few times, and Ella was still not getting tired of it. Wade looked bored, though.
"I wanted to get out of the town fast, and I didn't know how. So I sent Prissy to get Rhett and he came. He stole… I mean, he managed to get a horse, and we went to Tara. We put Melanie in the buggy with Beau and Prissy and you, Wade. I was very scared, but we actually got out of Atlanta because uncle Rhett was with me. But when we were on the main road, he jumped down and told me he wanted to go with the army. I have no idea why he suddenly changed his mind. Then he left us on the road between two armies and he went away." She never told them about the kiss. Wade might still remember it, but Ella didn't have to know. She shivered. She couldn't describe this feeling anyway. When the darkness enveloped her and nothing in the world seemed to exist except Rhett and his lips on hers. She knew she would never feel like this again for the rest of her life.
She had remembered the scene again and again, each time with the same pain. But now she treasured the memories. They were all she had left of Rhett. She at least wouldn't lose her past with him, even if she had lost his love. Scarlett wanted to keep everything she could as long as possible before having to let go. She had completely stopped drinking, because she didn't want to forget. She didn't want to drown the painful memories with alcohol anymore. She didn't know why she had suddenly changed so completely, but it must have been a good thing since she cried a little less now. Maybe it was fear of loss. Maybe because it was because she had actually accepted the fact that Rhett didn't love her. Maybe it was what Mammy had said. How strange of her! She had never accepted anything she didn't like. She never even thought of things that perturbed her, always pushing them out of her mind. She was head-strong, always went for what she wanted and never gave up the fight until she won. And now she was… resigned? How could Scarlett O'Hara be resigned? It made no sense. She was more confused than ever.
But it was pointless to fight for Rhett. She didn't even know where he was! And even if she did, she knew that if she stalked him he would have even more contempt for her. Why was everything always so complicated?
Ella was looking disappointed. Mother was dreaming again. She wouldn't hear the rest of the story now. Somehow, her mom always started dreaming when she started telling this story. Usually at interesting parts too. Ella started fidgeting, impatient for her to continue and hoping she wouldn't start crying for if she did, Wade would have to go call Mammy and Ella would have to wait to hear the ending. Ella didn't like waiting. But she did like this story very much for some reason, and mother always accepted to tell it to her every time she asked, instead of telling her to run along and stop pestering her. Mother was being nicer than usual to everyone these days. Ella didn't quite understand why, but it certainly was an improvement.
"I'll tell you the rest of the story another time." Mother finally said, her eyes slowly watering. Ella's heart sank. "Why must mother do this all the time?" Ella whispered to Wade as Scarlett ran out of the room. Wade looked at her with annoyance and said "Don't you understand Ella? Mother misses uncle Rhett."
"Why?" Mother had never cried when Uncle Rhett went on trips before.
"How should I know? It must be some grown up thing." Wade shrugged. Grown-ups were always so complicated.
"Wade, do you think uncle Rhett is going to come back this time around?" Ella asked pensively.
He was shocked. "Of course he'll come back! He always comes back. What made you think that he would leave us?"
"Well, maybe mother's crying because uncle Rhett's not coming back."
Wade felt scared. What if Ella was right? That would be terrible. How could they live without uncle Rhett? Mother would cry her pretty eyes out forever.
"He'll come back." Wade said with confidence. "He'll come back because he has to." And he closed the subject.
Yup, another chapter where nothing really happens. I really should get on with it. By the way, I don't think Rhett is going to come at all in this story, I don't really need him. And he's very annoying anyway. Ashley is so much better than Rhett, and I'll just make Scarlett marry Ashley. (Hehe. OF COURSE I'm kidding. Rhett's coming in two or three chapters. Rhett is my favorite character in Gone with the Wind and like pretty much everyone else, I hate Ashley. Down with Ashley!! If it wasn't for Rhett, I probably wouldn't mind Ashley though. But Margaret Mitchell just made him so hateable…) Can I ask everyone a question? You don't have to answer of course, but I'm pretty curious. Do you think Scarlett and Rhett end up together after all? Do you think Rhett really stopped loving Scarlett? Do you think Scarlett's love for Rhett at the end of the book was real, or was it a stupid crush, like Ashley? I'm just wondering.