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The ambulance sped, lights flashing and sirens ablaze, on its quest to Mount Sinai Hospital.
Beckett sat next to her partner and... well, actually, what exactly he was to her, she wasn't quite sure at the moment. All she knew right now is what she was going to have to be to him from now on; a pillar of support, a confidante and most importantly; a friend.
Her chest heaved as she tried holding back tears. She held his hand and spoke to him, as if he were conscious. "Richard Castle, don't even think about leaving me. And think about your books, all the joy you give people. Your public will never forgive you if you don't get Heat and Rook back together", she laughed, but the laughter choked her, and ended as a sob.
"Ma'am, we're doing everything we can for your friend", the young paramedic monitoring Castle's weak vital signs told her.
"We're doing everything we can" - the standard issue line that every person in the medical or justice profession was trained to offer to families of the victims. It came right after "I'm sorry for your loss."
She had uttered those words to distraught families so many times, and suddenly, she loathed the phrase, it was just so inadequate.
She didn't reply to him, she just lowered her head back to her writer, hoping upon all hope that the standard issue line #1 would not be used on her, today.
They pulled into the hospital and it was suddenly all on.
Mixed with the adrenaline of the rush to save someone's life, and the sickening nostalgia of her time at this hospital, Beckett tried to focus on Castle, but was pushed out of the way by at least six doctors.
Beckett stumbled back from Castle's side, feeling dejected and all of a sudden, the adrenaline wore off, and all she felt, was fear.
"Kate?"
Oh shit. Him. She'd forgotten her former boyfriend worked here. OK, now the adrenaline was back.
"Josh", was all she could manage.
"Come on", he said, offering her his hand. She took it and then he was dragging her through the hospital's ER, he led her to the door of a doctor's work station.
"Wait here for a sec", he instructed her, like she could actually get her legs to move on their own.
He disappeared into the crowded room of medical professionals. She could faintly hear words like "Sub-dural hematoma" and "Substantial nerve damage."
Her heart travelled very quickly to her throat, and she could feel her knees buckle, Then her former lover came to her side again, and she looked up at him, desperate for information.
"They're taking him to surgery right away. The knife wound grazed his temporal lobe, which has caused his brain to bleed out, and we won't know until after the surgery, but he may have lasting brain damage."
Josh put his hand out to steady her as she gasped and put her hand to her head.
"Beckett!" Esposito's voice shouted out behind her. Heavy footsteps drowned out the noise of the busy hospital, and suddenly Beckett was pulled away from the surgeon's touch and into the strong arms of the latino detective.
"Josh", he greeted him curtly.
"Detective Esposito", Josh greeted him back, with a reticent smile.
"How is he?" Esposito directed the question to his leader.
She lifted away from him, and straightened up as much as her body would allow. "He's going to surgery now. They think he might be brain damaged", she swallowed,
Esposito sighed. "Lerlyn's dead, Billy just signed a confession. The bastards that did this; they're toast Kate, we got them. We got justice for Castle, and that's the best thing we could have done for him."
Beckett shook her head, shaking the tears out of her eyes. She knew there were many other things she could do for him, things she should have already done for him.
"I got to go and do a report for Lanie. I called her and told her what happened. She wants to come by later, so we'll be here as soon as we're done OK? Whatever...", he took a moment to calm his own nerves. "Whatever happens, we're going to be here for you."
The female detective hugged him tightly. "Thanks Javi, for everything."
Esposito smiled shakily and waited until he turned away from her to break down.
She watched him walk down the hall, his shoulders shaking and suddenly realized how many lives Richard Castle had made a little bit brighter that day four years ago, when he walked into the 12th Precinct and announced that he was there for research. She didn't know at what point it stopped being about the books, but she knew it had happened long ago.
She turned and found Dr. Davidson standing with his hands in his doctor's coat pockets.
"You and Castle... are you two?..."
Kate inhaled slowly, as she regarded him. "I don't know."
He nodded silently. She imagined Castle butting in at this point, with a "Well, this is awkward."
"Castle is brilliant with words, but..." she cracked a small smile. "He just can't seem to put them into action."
It sounded not like it should have, as she thought about the content of the Nikki Heat books. She blushed.
Josh raised an eyebrow. "And, you want him to... do that?"
Oh, really awkward.
Kate grimaced slightly as she spoke to her former lover. She thought he probably had figured out by this point that she'd wanted Castle to put his words into action before the two of them even got together.
"Yeah, I do."
It took a lot of "mantrol" for Josh to do what he did next. He walked up to his ex-girlfriend, who had broken his heart, on the first day of last autumn, and placed his bear-like, strong hands on her arms. "Does he make you happy?"
Her head swam. She realized how disconnected her and Josh had really been during their relationship. If he couldn't see how happy Richard Castle had made her. She didn't consider her life over the past thirteen years to be a barrel of laughs, but if one man had come close to an attempt at it; it was him. He made her happi-er than anyone she'd ever known.
"Yes, he does", she answered back, a little indignantly.
Josh surveyed her with a stern expression. "I just want you to be happy Kate."
Beckett's eyes softened. "I know."
"And you know that if he hurts you, I will have to break some of his bones."
She looked at him dubiously. He winced. "Sorry, probably not the best thing to say, under the circumstances."
She shook her head. "No... You're not doing the surgery are you?" She asked him,
He could hear the ghost of a jibe in her voice, and so he chuckled. "No, but I will be attending."
"I guess that's alright", she tried to smile to not sound harsh.
He turned to leave and Beckett balled up all of her confidence into one sentence. "I am sorry, Josh."
The surgeon turned around slowly, until he stood facing her, his face full of unreadable emotions. "We'll take care of him, Kate", he promised her.
When he was out of sight, Beckett collapsed on the floor, sobs wracking her body.
This time, no one came to her side.
...
Beckett sat on a hard wooden bench, waiting... the waiting was always the agonizing part, and she had been watching the analog wall clock tick tock for the last two hours and thirty four... nope, thirty five minutes.
She realized this was probably exactly how it had been for Castle, a year ago, when she was in this life and death predicament. At least, the assailant in his case had been caught; or killed rather. But he was forced to sit, helpless, unassured that the person he loved would make it through the night.
Beckett wondered if he'd ever told anyone of his profession of love to her, right before she passed out. She felt brand new resentment for Lerlyn Magetti, bubble in the pit of her stomach, as she wished she'd had the chance, even just a moment with him after he'd been stabbed, to tell him the same thing he'd told her in that cemetery.
"I love you, Castle... Rick, I love you", she said aloud to a crowded room. No one heard her.
"I'm looking for my dad, his name is Richard...Richard Castle." Beckett heard the voice of Alexis Castle from somewhere near. She spun around and her eyes fixed quickly on the red hair, atop the teenager, standing in front of the information desk, evidently lost in communication with the grey-heard receptionist.
"Alexis!" She shouted, before she knew the name had even come to her mind.
"Detective Beckett", she looked... determined, but was she angry, furious, or livid?Beckett couldn't quite identify.
Alexis neared the detective and she prepared herself for a verbal lashing, perhaps even a physical one.
The lashing she received was indeed decidedly physical, as, in a surprise attack; Alexis barreled the lady cop over, with a hug.
Ah, relief... really?
Beckett wasn't sure if she believed it was real. Then again, she had saved her dad eight times - she had also risked his life nine times, so perhaps it didn't amount for much...
"I'm glad you're OK. Grams is still a couple of hundred miles away at that spa, it's going to take her a little while to get home... at least a night. So I just really glad you're here, I don't know what I'd do."
...But the present evidence was telling her that the young girl was indeed feeling relief, but for what reason? Her Dad was lying on a surgical table, bleeding from the brain. Beckett needed to ascertain how much the girl knew.
"Alexis, you know your dad is in surgery right?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I got your voice message... thanks."
Beckett took the young girl's hand. "I need you to understand that your dad may not come back to us. Not fully to the way he was, anyway."
"That might be a good thing", Alexis managed a joke in a bad situation - she was truly her father's daughter.
Beckett smiled, and suddenly felt a rush of admiration for the girl.
Alexis seemed to be considering Beckett before she made her next move. "I know about Dad's will. I know what he's got written in there. And I just want you to know that... I'm OK with it."
His will? Oh, right, the whole naming Beckett as Alexis's guardian thing... Oh hell, that's big.
She suddenly saw the teenager in a whole new light. She grabbed the red head by the shoulders. "You know what? Nothing would make me prouder than to call you my own. You're a special, beautiful young woman Alexis. And I already feel the kind of pride in you that a parent feels in their child."
Alexis glowed as a tear ran down her cheek.
Beckett gave her a watery smile. "But if it's all the same to you... I'd really rather that didn't have to happen."
Alexis exhaled with a smile, then her face turned serious. "My dad... You love him don't you?"
Kate froze momentarily, her head span again. "Perhaps I should eat something", she thought briefly to herself.
She opened her mouth, not quite sure of her reply.
"Kate", Dr. Davidson called softly behind her. He looked at Alexis and then back at his former girlfriend. "He's out of surgery."
...
Kate stood with Alexis, allowing the young girl to step forward in front of her.
The teenager looked through the window of the recovery room, and placed a hand on it, as if she was reaching out to comfort her father.
He was hooked up to an endless supply of chords, tubes and breathing apparati.
Josh came up behind the two ladies. "His oxygen levels are good. The machine is allowing for that though of course. His brain is getting what it needs to survive on its own."
"How long before we can take those things off of him?" Alexis asked the surgeon.
"We'll have to wait and see, more than likely, we'll try it in a couple of days."
Beckett turned around. Josh was standing close to her. She smiled at him, and nudged him with her shoulder. "What are you doing out here? This isn't part of your job."
"It's a surgeon's prerogative to communicate with the family, if they so desire."
"You weren't the surgeon and I'm not technically family", Beckett told him.
A coy smile dressed his features. "I know, I realize now, I probably shouldn't have let you in here."
She looked at him with a smirk. "You know me better than to try and keep me out."
He smirked back. A moments silence engulfed them while she looked into the room and watched him lying there, so helpless to get up and interrupt their banter, like he usually would. She bit her lip. "I love him, Josh."
His smirk faltered, but, surprisingly didn't disappear totally.
"I know."
Beckett's eyes lit up - it was almost like he was telling her he knew before she did.
"And he is a very lucky guy", he said, taking one more step toward her.
Beckett sighed. Josh leaned forward and kissed her softly on the forehead.
"I hope I never see you again", he told her. She recoiled for a moment, before she registered what he actually meant, and then she stepped back into him, to touch him gently on the shoulder. She hoped her eyes were conveying the appreciation she felt.
He gave her one last smile, telling her they did. "Goodbye Kate."
And just like that; he was gone.
...
Beckett and Alexis sat on a bench, identical to the one in the ER, heads resting together, trying in vain to shut out the fluorescent brightness of the lights and get some sleep.
"Hey", a soft female voice greeted them, as Beckett felt a warm hand on her shoulder.
She looked up, to where the face of her best friend greeted her. She reached up and hugged Lanie tightly. Esposito and Ryan were standing right behind her.
The three of them took turns hugging Beckett and Alexis.
"How is he doing?" Lanie asked Beckett, sitting down beside her.
Beckett shrugged, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She yawned. "He's just... recovering. We don't really know what's going on yet, neither do the doctors. He's still hooked up to all the machines and stuff."
Lanie gave Beckett a sad smile.
"Man, this is so weird. It's like de ja vu all over again", Ryan said.
"That's an exhausted phrase", Alexis suddenly chimed in. "De ja vu, all over again?" The one kinda cancels the other out", she shrugged.
The adults looked at her, all with grins on their faces. "Truly your father's daughter", Beckett smiled at her, placing a hand on her back.
Alexis smiled back, perhaps slightly embarrassed, but pleased all the same.
"What did you mean about de ja vu, Ryan?" Beckett asked the Irish detective, placing her tired head in her hand.
The group exchanged glances. "Well, it's just, a year ago, your shooting - I think you were in this same room, actually."
Beckett lifted her head. "God, really?" She suddenly had the urge to take everything in around her.
She stood up and looked at Castle in his hospital bed. It was possible she'd once been in that very bed. That insinuated the idea of her and Castle sharing a bed.
Oh Dammit.
She tore herself away from the mirror and turned back to the guys., changing the subject. "Ryan, I hear you broke our case."
Ryan shuffled on his feet, feeling a little guilty about it, truth be told.
"Yeah... I just wish it hadn't ended... like this."
She moved over to the young man and hugged him to her. His eyes turned red as tears began to form in them. She pulled away and wiped a tear from his cheek.
"You're a great cop, Kevin. I am so proud of you."
Ryan gave her a shaky nod of gratitude, and she let go.
Beckett then turned to Lanie and Esposito. "And you two", she was crying but gave them a grin anyway. She laughed "Have you two sorted out your shit, or what?"
They all laughed. Beckett slapped a hand over her mouth and turned to the underaged girl. "I'm sorry Alexis."
Alexis's eyes darted toward the recovery room where her dad was. "You're forgetting who I live with."
Beckett smiled at her. They locked eyes. Both of them were pretty sure who the young girl would be living with after tonight. Whatever brain capacity her father came out of this with, Kate and Alexis's relationship had changed tonight. It had turned into something very close to what Beckett had shared with her mother, when she was Alexis's age. Alexis was very close to the age Beckett was when her mom died. She knew exactly what life would be like for Alexis if Castle was to never wake up. But Beckett would be stronger than her father was. Alexis would always have a safe, albeit, somewhat dysfunctional home; with Beckett. And of course, the other striking difference between Alexis's loss and Beckett's is that Alexis would know who the killer was, and that she was dead. But Beckett knew that that kind of justice would never be enough for Alexis. Because it wasn't for her.
Beckett's thoughts were interrupted by Esposito, "Hey, we're going to leave now. Visiting hours are almost up and we actually aren't really supposed to be here - the badge gets you in every time", he winked at Alexis, who chuckled.
"I didn't think of that one", Kate smiled, tapping Esposito on the arm. "I got in with Josh."
The three of them looked at her with pained expressions. "Was it awful?" Ryan asked.
She shrugged. "No. Actually it was good. I needed to see him, I needed him to know a couple of things and now he knows them."
"So it's definitely so long to Dr. Motorcycle Boy, then?" Esposito questioned her.
She nodded, affirmatively. "Yes. definitely, and indefinitely."
Lanie reached into her friend for another embrace. "You take care yourself, you hear?" I'mma see you tomorrow, kay?"
"Thanks Lanie", Beckett smiled.
"You need anything, you holler my way, I got you covered", Esposito hugged his friend and co-worker.
"Thank you Javier."
He winked. "You got it girl."
Ryan inhaled as he stepped up to Beckett, hesitated before hugging her. "Still wish I could have done more", he said, guiltily.
Beckett gave him a motherly look "This is not your fault, Ryan." She turned to see if Alexis was listening, but the teen was engrossed in watching her father.
"Lerlyn Magetti stabbed Castle. You weren't even there."
"I know, and maybe if I was, maybe I..."
"Kev, I told Castle to stay in the car. He didn't, and that was his choice. In fact..." She leaned in close to him to whisper into his ear. "He wanted to be in the action so badly. He was so pumped full of adrenaline that he just grabbed me and kissed me, right there in the car..."
"Wait! You two kissed?" Ryan hissed in amazement.
Beckett shushed him fervently and then rolled her eyes. "Let's save that conversation for a rainy day."
He smirked at her, but didn't say anything else on the subject.
"My point is...if anyone should feel guilty about this, it's me. He wanted to protect me, because he cares about me, and he cares about you too Ryan, which is why he wouldn't want you to sit here feeling responsible."
The Irish detective nodded softly.
"OK", Beckett smiled at him, pulling him in for a hug. "Now, go home and get some sleep, OK? That's an order... Oh and tell Jenny I said hi."
Ryan laughed, pulling away from her. He stopped halfway and then, looking mischievous, leaned back in to whisper to her. "Sooo, this kiss..."
Beckett rolled her eyes and slapped him on the shoulder, which did little to deter him.
"Does this mean, if Castle wakes up, you two are finally going to be together?"
Beckett smiled at him. "WHEN Castle wakes up... I will be taking the idea into consideration."
The Irish detective beamed and walked away, jovially.
Beckett shook her head and turned to look at the poor girl, staring at her father's unconscious form.
"It's not a nice sight, Alexis. Why don't you step away from there for a while?" Beckett suggested, gently.
Alexis turned her tear-stained face away from the window and took Beckett in. "What if he doesn't wake up?"
Beckett stood, fixed to the ground, stuck for an answer. She didn't know how to be the strong one here - she was so used to being in Alexis's position. Maybe she needed to use that to her advantage.
"Then life will be different. It will be harder, for a long time. You'll feel cheated and angry and you'll want revenge for what happened. And then one day you'll wake up and you'll realize that you're no longer angry that your dad was taken from you. You're just sad that he's not there anymore. And then you'll finally start to grieve."
Alexis's tears rolled down her cheeks, unstopped by her hands that were shaking too much to do anything about it. "And when does the grieving stop?" She asked, with a whisper.
Beckett reached out to finally wipe away the beads of water from the young girl's face. Alexis whimpered at her comforting touch. She was just young, she wasn't strong enough for this yet. Beckett shook her head. "It doesn't."
Alexis collapsed into Beckett's arms.
"Alexis, if it happens that you're dad is not alright. You still have your Grandmother, and you've got me."
"I know I've got you, Dete-"
"Kate", Beckett pointed a stern finger at the teen.
"Kate", Alexis smiled. "And Kate?"
"Yes, pump-kin?" Beckett's mouth twitched sideways, not sure how Alexis would react to her using her father's pet name for her. But Alexis smiled broadly, and took Kate's hand in hers. "Just remember... you've got me, too."
...
A/N: By the way, I'm not exactly sure Kate was taken to Mount Sinai - don't even know we found out an any stage which hospital it was!