Going Nowhere Specific Very Quickly
On the Black Pearl, Jack is doing his best Norrington impression and staring uselessly at a map. The course he plotted goes in zigzags and doubles back on itself.
Jack: Oh, come on you dumb compass.
Compass: If you're going to insult me, then I'm not going to cooperate.
Jack: I don't remember you having lines in the script…
Compass: I thought you didn't read the script.
Jack pouts, and picks up a rum bottle. He peers into it, turns it upside down, and is disappointed to find that it's empty.
Jack: Why is the rum always gone?
Jack checks his blood-alcohol level and it's off the charts.
Jack: Right.
Jack goes down to the cargo hold to search for more rum. All he finds is a bottle of sand.
Jack: Five dollars would have been more exciting.
Suddenly Bootstrap's voice comes out of nowhere.
Bootstrap: You're out of time, Jack.
Jack: No, I'm out of rum.
Jack suddenly realizes that he is speaking to a disembodied voice.
Jack: Bootstrap? Is that you?
Bootstrap: Heck yes. You look good, Jack.
Jack: You don't. We ought to change your name to Barnacle Bill.
Bootstrap: Oh, thanks.
Jack: You're welcome. Now tell me, you're not a dream, are you?
Bootstrap: Nope.
Jack: Of course you're not. If you were a dream, you'd bring rum.
Bootstrap holds up a bottle of rum.
Bootstrap: I brought you some rum.
Jack is weirded-out.
Jack: Uh... gee, thanks.
Jack drinks some of the rum.
Bootstrap: I see you got the Pearl back.
Jack: Did I? I hadn't noticed.
Bootstrap: Really the sarcasm is just wasting time.
Jack: Fine. Actually, it's only thanks to your son I've got the ship back.
Bootstrap: William?
Jack: No, your other only son.
Bootstrap: What did I just tell you about the sarcasm?
Jack: Well if you wouldn't say such obvious things I wouldn't have to be sarcastic. Yes, I'm talking about William.
Bootstrap: So he finally ended up a pirate.
Jack: Sort of. He hasn't quite got the knack of it. But anyway, enough small talk. What are you doing here?
Bootstrap: What's wrong? Can't a guy visit an old friend?
Jack: Under normal circumstances, yes. But considering you're dead, I have concluded that there must be some special reason for your visit.
Bootstrap: Davy Jones sent me.
Jack: So he managed to trick you into joining him?
Bootstrap: Actually, it's your fault. If I hadn't stood up for you after the mutiny, Barbossa wouldn't have tied me to that cannon, and I wouldn't have been stuck at the bottom of the ocean being skooshed and unable to die, and I wouldn't have been forced to make a deal with Davy Jones.
Jack: You must've learned logic from me.
Bootstrap: You made a deal with him too, remember?
Jack: I do not remember. Must be the rum.
Bootstrap: Probably. Anyway, Davy Jones unsank the Pearl for you… Speaking of which, how did it get sunk in the first place?
Jack: Ask Ragetti.
Bootstrap: I will. But now you've been Captain of the Black Pearl for thirteen years and –
Jack: Not technically.
Bootstrap: Good luck with that argument. Jones is really not into negotiating.
Jack: Think he'd take a bribe?
Bootstrap: All he wants is your soul, and one hundred years of service.
Jack: Yes, but I've got this really nice crystal tea set that…
Bootstrap: That sounds kinda girly.
Jack: Well, yeah, that's why I want to get rid of it.
Bootstrap: I'll say this simply. You have to serve on the Dutchman.
Jack: Well, seeing as the Flying Dutchman already has a captain, I'll have to get on his waiting list.
Bootstrap: He doesn't have a waiting list. You have two choices. Serve, or go to the locker via the Kraken Express.
Jack: Uhh... Does Jones offer a grace period? A phone call?
Bootstrap: We've been through this, Jack. Time's up.
Bootstrap raises his hand.
Bootstrap: Gimme five.
Jack: What?
Bootstrap: High five.
Jack: Why?
Bootstrap: Just do it, okay?
Jack hesitantly gives Bootstrap five. The black spot suddenly appears on his hand.
Jack: Eff.
Jack runs up on deck, having a somewhat severe freak-out attack.
Jack: Can't this thing go any faster?
Gibbs: What is your problem?
Jack: Nothing!
Jack hides around a corner and wraps his marked hand in cloth to hide the spot.
Gibbs: Do we have a heading?
Jack: Just sail anywhere. Any land is good!
The monkey comes out of nowhere and takes Jack's hat and throws it into the water.
Gibbs: Stupid monkey. Everybody turn around, we gotta get the hat.
Jack: No, leave it!
Pintel faints from shock.
Jack runs and hides under some stairs. Gibbs finds him.
Gibbs: Jack, what the heck is chasing us?
Jack: Wouldn't you like to know.
Gibbs: Um, yes. That's why I asked.
Jack: Well too bad.
Gibbs: You are freaking impossible.
Revised Edition 2011!