Summery- The point of building a house of cards is to see it reach the sky before it tumbles into ruin. Sometimes all you need is a little motivation and a touch of fate to do what you always wished to do. Harry gets some startling news and decides that its time to put his life into order. Armed only with a voice in his head that sounds remarkably like Tom Riddle, and a 'To Do' list Harry sets out to set the pieces in place.
Incudes sadness, determination, betrayal by one thought an angel and love by one thought a demon. A bittersweet story that shows you how love, in all its purity, can solve almost anything, that some things last through life, death and whatever the hell follows afterwards- that the point of the cards is not to fall, but to touch the sky...
Parings- Hermione/Ron and (if you really, really squint) implied Ginny/Draco. No pairings for Harry and the two listed are simply background pairings. Harry is the main character- his pov and all
Warnings- Spoilers for all but the latest book. This is Harry's sixth year.
A/N- Another chapter done and ready. A lot of you won't like the twist it takes and I beg your forgiveness but it had to be done. Enjoy and always remember to Read and Review! Not mine, poems are. Neither's this chap title, actually. Got it from a book (but, to be fair, it was used on maps before that to chart unknown land)
-Nat rulz
Spiders are nothing to me
Darkness is a dream
Pain, a sweet long fantasy
And I shall make you scream
Do not fear the tumbling cliff
Fear not the deep river
For I, in all my glory
Is what will make you shiver
Stupid as you are, misguided fool
I'll never let you win
You all fear what's without
When you should what's within
Chapter Four: Here Be Monsters
The passageway to Hogsmeade was in definite need of a clean and had Harry had arachnophobia he would have been in a vast amount of trouble indeed. Luckily (or perhaps unluckily, depending on your perspective) the cupboard under the stairs had been full of spiders, so Harry hardly minded them at all.
Although it must be said, the passage was still decidedly uncomfortable
The passage was longer than Harry remembered… but maybe that had something to do with his mood. For some reason Harry was feeling particularly melancholy. Perhaps he could kill two birds with one stone with this trip
"Killing birds isn't likely to cheer you up," Tom said dryly, also affected by his mood. Harry scowled
Eventually the passageway ended and Harry climbed as gracefully as possible out of the tunnel. Then it was only a matter of sneaking out of the shop and into the street.
The first thing he bought was a pair of socks and ear warmers for Dobby (not matching, of course) and then he head directly to the jeweler. He had never worn any jewelry before and as he entered he went straight to the friendship charms.
Wizarding friendship charms were different than muggle ones. For one thing they lasted as long as the friendship did. For another there was a single pendant with separate chains. In Harry's case he would have to buy one with three. When the three pulled their chain the pendant would split into three smaller replicas each with the person's initials. They could be rejoined to created the whole and spell out a message.
Harry eventually chose a pendent that was an intricately caved golden phoenix. He called the shop tender over and pointed it out
"I'll take that one, please," Harry said politely. The shop tender took it out and held it up to the light, causing it to glint
"Good choice. What would you like the message to be?" He asked
"What's my word limit?" Harry asked
"Unfortunately, just one. It's a small thing. I suggest you pick a meaningful word," The man said, almost apologetically
"Eternity" Harry said eventually
"Eternity?" The man questioned
"Yes. Because that's how long our friendship will last. All eternity. Through life, through death and whatever the hell follows" Harry said firmly
"How remarkably fitting" Tom said softly
It was the best ten gallons Harry had ever spent
Casual words are really hidden secrets
"It's beautiful"
Harry had always thought that girls had a very odd obsession when it came to jewelry. It seemed even Hermione was not immune to its call. Though perhaps with house elves it was socks. Dobby had been beyond thrilled with his gift and had cried a full ten minutes.
"What's it for?" Ron asked in typical Ron fashion as he studied the pendent
"It's a friendship charm. We all take a chain and each of us will be gifted with a miniature version of the phoenix engraved with our initials. When they're all joined together it will spell out that word" Harry explained
"Eternity" Hermione read, "What prompted the choice?"
"Because ours is a friendship that'll last through life, death and anything that follows. Should anything happen to either of us we shall always be joined by these pendants and our promise" Harry said
"Promise?" Ron asked, frowning
"To live for the other. To cherish the friendship forever. To believe in the message" Harry said and then smiled "My, I'm getting sentimental"
"You're telling me. What brought this on? Plan on dying any time soon?" Ron teased
"Yes, just give me a month" Tom said dryly and Harry mentally rolled his eyes
"Well with Voldemort breathing down my neck it's better safe than sorry." Harry said with a shrug
"He'll have to get passed us first," Hermione promised fiercely
"Just take a chain" Harry sighed. She and Ron complied, taking a silver chain each.
They all gave the chain a gentle tug and the pendent glowed and divided into three smaller phoenixes. Harry turned his over, the three letters standing out proudly
HJPWith careful movements Harry fastened it around his neck and swore he'd never take it off. He watched as Ron and Hermione did the same. He smiled.
"Eternity" Harry said softly and they smiled back
"Eternity" Tom commented, "Is a very long time"
Harry looked at his friends and the compassion he saw there, the protectiveness they felt for him and the fierce love they held for one another. He smiled even wider
"Not long enough"
On top of the world
If
there was one thing in the world that Harry loved it was to fly.
The sense of breathtaking freedom, the rush of the wind through his hair, the way his robes wrapped tightly around him as though they too were holding on, the height that almost made him dizzy as he dived, the way his heart would thump so loudly he could almost hear it, the way he held his breath momentarily every time he did a spectacular move and it was as if the whole world was watching anxiously to see what would happen, the way he could look down and see the world spread underneath him- even the Slytherin side of him reveled in it.
Yes, Harry loved to fly
It certainly paid off sometimes. Take, for example, the fact that a figure was running out from the castle and onto the grounds. Harry had skipped breakfast just so he would be alone and he wondered why the student seemed so depressed. The day had hardly even started. When he noticed the trademark Malfoy hair he decided, for the good of the truce, to investigate. He dived. By the time he reached him Draco had taken a seat in the stands and was so lost in thought that he didn't seem to notice him
"Problem?" Harry inquired politely. Draco jumped
"Merlin, Potter, you trying to kill me?" Draco demanded
"Oh drat, you've caught me out" Harry said dryly "So what's the problem?"
Draco hesitated and held up a letter. He made no indication of handing it over and Harry raised a brow
"Yes I see your point, receiving mail is most distressing" Harry commented… then decided he listened to Tom far too often
"Its from my father" Draco said, not even taking the effort of being scornful "He wants me to become a Death Eater."
Harry was silent for a moment, studying him
"Your father's in Azkaban Malfoy, you can safely say no" Harry pointed out
"It's only a mater of time before he escapes. If I disagree he'll most likely disown me. My name is one of the most important things I have. I refuse to relinquish it. My father is a disgrace to the Malfoy name. When I inherit I'll be able to clean it up a little" Draco sighed
"So you can't refuse?" Harry asked
"No" Draco said hopelessly "I cannot"
"When is the latest you can do an initiation?" Harry asked
"A month, a month and a half. He wouldn't want to wait for a holiday and for some reason the Dark Lord has been very insistent with his Marking lately," Draco answered
"Wants to drag down as many as possible when he finally carks it" Tom said bitterly
"Do you trust me Malfoy?" Harry asked, completely serious
Draco seemed to consider the question, eyeing him suspiciously
"Yes…" He said eventually
"Then tell your father you will take the Mark in a month and a half. No more, no less. Tell him that Dumbledore has you watched because of your history and it is far too dangerous to act before then. If you value you life as much as you seem to then do not get the timeframe wrong. A month and a half. If you absolutely have to, say a month but I'm approaching this with a 'better safe than sorry' idea" Harry said firmly. If Dumbledore was correct (and he knew from Tom and the slowly increasing pains that he was) then Voldemort had around a month left to live. The same as Harry.
"You want me to take the Mark?" Draco cried incredulously
"Don't be stupid. If you follow my instructions you won't have to. Trust me" Harry emphasized the last words pointedly. Draco sighed
"Very well Potter. It's not as if I have much of an option. I would like to add, however, that should I become a Death Eater I will vastly enjoy making your life very miserable" Draco threatened dangerously
"Fair enough" Harry said brightly "Care for a little one on one?"
Draco agreed and they spent as long as they could in the sky playing tag and racing each other around the pitch. Harry looked at Draco, with his ruffled hair and shining eyes, and he smiled
Yes, Harry Potter loved to fly.
A most devilish, Slytherin plan
It was true that while Harry had become very good at potions he was by no means an expert. He did not, however, need tutoring. But, although the feud with Snape had effectively ended, Harry wanted more than that. He was still quite certain that Snape saw him as a 'Potter' rather than 'Harry' and he had no wish for Snape to still be thinking that when he died. He therefore thought that, perhaps, if Snape knew him he would be more inclined to like him. Or at least respect him somewhat. Having no legitimate reason to habitually visit the Potions master Harry devised a plan that was a Slytherin as it was brilliant
He would ask Snape for tutoring
Working alone in a close environment, it would be almost impossible not to form some sort of bond. Harry might even start to like Snape…
Well… tolerate him in any case
The plan was practically sound
Now all he had to do was ask him.
Conversation rarely makes sense
"What?"
"I said" Harry sighed "Would you please tutor me in potions?"
Snape, despite his confirmation, still looked as though he thought he was hearing things. In fact, Harry had seen him look so completely lost for words only once.
"Why would you wish me to tutor you in potions?" Snape asked incredulously finally recovering from shock
"Because I wish to improve in the subject. I do want to be an Auror after all," Harry said
"Yes, too bad your dying" Tom said breezily
"Let me rephrase that: why should I waste my precious time teaching you?" Snape sneered
"Because I said please?" Harry said coyly and Snape smirked very softly "Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Harry added and Snape sighed
"Very well. But hold the cherries" He sneered, "I hate the damn things"
Harry smirked victoriously
Everyone you meet is waiting
It
was Friday and Harry was wound up tighter than a crank. Tomorrow was
Saturday. Tomorrow Remus would be coming. Tomorrow he would get to
ask every question he could about his parents. Tomorrow another task
would be crossed off his list.
"What are you going to ask him?" Hermione questioned Harry having already told her and Ron that Remus was coming and that he would question him
"Every little thing I can think of. What was my mother's favorite colour? Where was their first date? How many times did my father actually ask her out? Little things." Harry said, fidgeting slightly
"You seem anxious" Ron commented
"I feel like I'm waiting for Godot" Harry said absently
"Who?" Ron asked and even Hermione looked puzzled
"It's a muggle play by Samuel Becket. It details two men waiting for a man named Godot who never turns up. The whole thing consists of them waiting. It still manages to be quite funny though," Harry answered
"Well, this is nothing like that. For one thing, Lupin will most certainly turn up and for another, this is hardly a play" Hermione said logically
"I know" Harry sighed, "I just hate waiting"
"Patience is a virtue," Tom said unhelpfully
Harry decided he loathed it.
Stories are the fabric that is life
Harry
had been waiting in the Headmaster's office for five minutes (five
very long minutes) when the fire suddenly (and finally) flared
green. Harry immediately jumped to his feet enthusiastically
embracing the disheveled wizard who tumbled out of it, forcing him to
take a step back in order to right himself.
"Hello Harry" Remus greeted
Harry grinned up at him but it faltered almost immediately. Remus looked terrible. His hair was hanging limply around his face and looked as though it hadn't been brushed in days. His eyes were dull and heavy, bearing dark smudges, his robes were so lose it was amazing they didn't simply fall off and he possessed an aura that just screamed 'depressed'. Harry felt a stab of guilt. Sirius' death had obviously hit him hard.
"Remus?" Harry questioned worriedly. Remus managed a faint smile that was not at all reassuring
"You want to hear those stories or not?" Remus asked and although that was the worst attempt Harry had ever heard to change the subject he caved
"Yes. Dumbledore suggested we use the room of requirement," Harry said
"Professor Dumbledore, Harry" Remus said absently and without strength "And that would be fine"
Still frowning Harry lead the way, not knowing if Remus had ever been to the Room of Requirement. When they finally got there and opened the door they were greeted by a room not unlike that of the Gryffindor common room: comfy, comforting and cozy.
At first the questioning was uncomfortable. Remus looked so terribly forlorn that Harry almost hated bringing up all those painful memories for him. That was until Remus got so sucked into the past that he told stories almost without prompting, recounting tales and events while his eyes gazed somewhere in the distance looking though a portal only he could access. Though this only made Harry worry more he learned the answer to all of his questions.
Lily's favorite colour had been aqua, their fist date was to Hogsmeade and his father asked his mother out so many times that the Marauder's had stopped counting at 53.
Remus, it seemed, left nothing out. He recounted the good and the bad. The numerous torture sessions of Snape, the endless snowball fights; his parents wedding, his parents funeral; their first day of school, their graduation. Nothing was excluded. Had Harry been looking for ideas for pranks he would not have been let down.
Hours passed and Harry drank the words greedily even if Remus were reciting them in such circumstances. Remus seemed almost reluctant to stop, as though stopping would signal the return to normal life and he was procrastinating in any way he could. He told pointless things that were of no real account and yet, which Harry cherished. It were the small things that mattered
Like that his mother had always worn an emerald necklace, and his father had been allergic to peanuts, and the time his mother had done a spell incorrectly and wound up singing a whole day, and the time his father had stolen Snape's best quill- a black feather from a rare magical raven, and the time his parents had fought so loudly that the Slytherin's had come out of their common room wondering what the noise was all about.
Although Remus made the telling of these stories remarkably bittersweet because of his obvious despair Harry could not find it in himself to ask him to stop. He doubted Remus would listen anyway, he was telling story after story without a word from Harry who was content enough to sit and listen
Eventually, however, Remus did stop. Not because he wanted to, indeed Harry suspected he had halted simply because he had run out of stories. It was difficult to remember everything after all. As soon as he finished Remus finally snapped and burst into tears.
Harry, quite alarmed, approached him placing a hand on his shoulder. With an almost animalistic roar Remus lashed out, striking Harry so harshly against his left cheek that he was thrown to the other side of the room actually hitting the wall. Shocked, Harry starred at Remus, as he seemed to cry even harder. Touching his cheek Harry understood. This was the wolf in Remus. This was the part that lashed out when Remus was emotional. This was the part that should be left alone- and at a very great distance. Using a soft glamour charm to cover the mark Harry knew Remus had left, Harry left Remus to his misery already forgiving him of his anger.
Sirius' death had a taken a greater toll than Harry had thought
Some marks never do fade
When
Harry removed the glamour to see the damage he understood immediately
why he was in such a vast amount of pain. He had forgotten that a
werewolf was ten times stronger than an ordinary man when he wanted
to be.
It seemed Remus had wanted to be
Harry had always thought Remus had rather large hands. The fact the bruise took up half his face supported that fact. The fact that the bruise was so bad it was black and blue and was quite noticeably a hand shaped mark did not help. Harry had actually tasted blood on the way to the Gryffindor tower and hoped that his teeth were not too badly damaged.
Tomorrow Remus would be taking him to see his parent's graves and house. Harry sincerely hoped Remus was in a better mood by then but knew better. Remus would not doubt be wracked by guilt- if the wolf had not taken over so greatly for him to remember it.
He wondered why every parental figure he had ever known always ended up harming him in some way, while knowing he could never hate nor blame them for it (barring perhaps the Dursley's). No matter what happened he always seemed to walk away scared.
Emotionally, mentally, physically
Death is just the next great adventure
The
next time Harry saw Remus Lupin, once again in Dumbledore' office
Harry could certainly say he looked different from yesterday
He looked worse
He was starting to wonder if it had been such a great idea to invite Remus along. Perhaps he should have gone by himself. Making sure that the glamour was applied firmly and ignoring Dumbledore's inquiring look Harry greeted Remus happily, as though nothing was wrong and he was eager to get started
Remus looked off into the distance and said nothing
"Here's the Portkey" Dumbledore said noticing, but not commenting on the tense silence "It will take you directly to Godric's Hollow"
Still looking somewhat distant Remus accepted the empty tin that once held sherbet lemons and offered a section of it to Harry
"It should activate in approximately five seconds," Dumbledore said
Harry knew that when Dumbledore said 'approximately' he really meant 'exactly and without a doubt'. He counted to five before feeling a sharp tug somewhere behind his navel. He took the moment of traveling to wonder what exactly the Portkey tugged on before, as quickly as it started, it stopped.
Harry was not really sure what he had been expecting. He knew, of course, that the area was laced with repelling charms for the muggles. He also knew that the Killing Curse had killed the house even if it failed to kill him. When they said it was destroyed, however, he was not prepared for the completely flat but charcoaled land.
No structure of the building remained, no unaffected wall or forgotten corner. What there was was all rubble and there was scarcely little of even that.
It looked as though it had been torched numerous times then the remains bulldozed and chopped.
Harry wondered how on earth he had survived past the killing curse
He approached it slowly and was not even aware of where he crossed the threshold of where the house had once officially started. It reeked of Dark Magic and great forces and Harry could plainly see why nothing had been rebuilt here. Even the very un-superstitious might be wary of curses. An unsettling feeling seemed to roll right down Harry's back as though the house (or perhaps the land as the house could scarcely be called that) recognized him as a member and was welcoming him home.
Harry looked around the place, filled as it was with rubble and ash, and shuddered slightly. He had always wanted to be welcomed home and now that he was he wasn't sure he enjoyed the experience. Yet, he was still glad he came. He had needed to see this, needed to come here, needed to take a final look at where it had all started. He turned back to Remus and walked back, having got what he came for and therefore able to leave. The house seemed to cry out from loss when he exited and he approached Remus feeling vastly unsettled
"I want to see where they were buried," Harry said simply
Remus led the way as, apparently, they had not been buried far from their house.
The town graveyard was indeed, a mere street away and Remus led his way to a plain headstone. The way he seemed almost awkward around it gave Harry the feeling that he had not come here often, if at all. The headstone was graying and ill tended, seeming very insignificant among the dozen others. It was also quite plain
'James
Alexander Potter
and
Lily
Anne Evans-Potter
Married in life
United
in death'
Harry looked uncomfortably up at Remus
"May I have a moment alone with my parents?" He asked politely. Remus' face took on a foreign emotion that Harry was sure could not mean anything good but he nodded and moved away
Harry looked at the tombstone feeling slightly at loss at what to do or say. He kneeled, as though hoping to bring himself closer to them
"Hey mum… dad" He said eventually "I miss you." It got easier after that admission "Oh Merlin, how I miss you. I wonder if you're watching over me? Are you proud? You've no doubt heard the news. I expect I'll be joining you soon. Heaven any good? Is Sirius there? Tell him I'm sorry will you? Tell him I'm so… I'm so, so sorry. At least this is it. It got Tom too. There's my job done. By accident. I wonder how that will go down but I think everyone will be too pleased to mind how it was done as long as it was. He's my voice of reason now you know. How's that for ironic? Course, he is a lot more civil."
Harry paused, hesitating
"I want you to know that I tried. I want you to know that I'm living. I want you to know that I love you both more than anything and I want you to know that… well… I'm not scared anymore. It won't be so bad. I think I can make that next journey through in one piece. Sure, I'd rather wait till I was old and married with a thousand kids, but beggars can't be chooses as they say."
He paused again
"Wait for me? Lead me there? I don't want to get lost and Tom said he'd help but… well… I'd like to see you. I hope you're all right. I want you to know that I am all right. That, despite everything, I think it's all going to be okay" Harry smiled lightly "And I'm not scared anymore"
Very calmly Harry got up, brushed off his robes and walked to Remus who was standing a distance away. Remus held out the Portkey without a word and Harry took it without hesitation
Despite everything, he felt better
Betrayal's a monster that attacks the heart
Remus
said nothing when they arrived back at Dumbledore's office. From
Dumbledore's face Harry could see he was not the only one who was
worried.
"Perhaps you two would like a little more time together?" Dumbledore said, a statement more than a question
Harry nodded determinedly. Remus said nothing. Harry led Remus once more to the Room of Requirement and to the environment it provided. The room seemed somewhat more Slytherin than the fist chat and Harry knew it was because he desired peace and something to sooth his nerves. Remus sat down and gazed into the fire
"What's wrong Remus?" Harry asked gently, sitting by his feet in
Remus said nothing for a long time
"I can't do it you know," He said softly, almost calmly
"Do what?" Harry asked, more than a little puzzled
"I can't be what you need. I know that with the Dursley's dead you have nowhere to go and I know that you probably expected me to take you in" Remus said
That would have been true. Had Harry not been dying and had lived to the holidays he would have expected Remus to at least offer. He probably would have turned him down because of Voldemort (who would have lived if he was not in this situation) and the fact that Remus was very poor and would not have been able to support him or except charity but the offer would have meant everything to him. Harry felt his chest clench but Remus kept talking
"I' not strong enough Harry. I'm not like Sirius. I can't take care of you. I won't let myself. I don't love you Harry. I care for you, but I don't love you and I won't allow myself to fall in love with you. I'm a werewolf, Harry and even if I wasn't, I couldn't. You look so much like James. You remind me so much of your father. So much like Sirius. It kills me when I see you because I think that, perhaps, if not for you, they would still be here" Remus said gravely
Stung by that, Harry opened his mouth to protest but Remus waved him off
"Oh, I know you're not at fault. Not responsible. The fact is though, that without your presence neither of them would have been harmed. And your so much like them" Remus said, voice reminiscing at the last part
"But I'm not them" Harry insisted, feeling the tears coming and pushing them back "I'm not my father or Sirius. I'm Harry. Please, Remus. Please. See me as Harry."
"I can't" Remus said brokenly "And I don't think I ever will"
"But what your saying is impossible. The only way I could have really stopped it was to not be born and I hardly had any control over that!" Harry said determinedly
"I wish you did" Remus whispered
Harry's insides froze. He starred at Remus as though he didn't know who he was looking at.
"I'll only hurt you Harry" Remus said, as though to defend himself. He waved his wand and Harry felt his glamour vanish "And it'll be much worse than a simple bruise"
But Harry wasn't really listening. All he had heard was that his last mentor had just told him he wished he were never born. Harry got to his feet and looked levelly at Remus knowing he was going to burst into tears the moment he left and said very calmly
"You've hurt me far worse than anything you could ever imagine"
Then he bolted from the room leaving Remus starring back at the fire and shedding not even a tear at what he had done
After all, he had believed what he had said
TBC...