Chapter 4 – Who we were

"You said things were gonna get better…you promised" Anna said looking directly at her father before running up the stairs to her room.

Peyton sighed and leaned her body against the wall briefly closing her eyes. Inadvertently they had done it again, they had caused more pain to their innocent child. She was sick of it. She thought by making Lucas move out it would put an end to their daughter's pain but it hadn't, in fact it was just as bad as before.

"We've got to stop doing this Lucas, its not fair to Anna she's been through enough because of us"

"I know…you're right" Lucas replied ashamed of his actions. He hated himself for hurting his daughter again when he had promised her that things were going to change. "Can I go talk to her?"

"I don't think that's a good idea" she replied rubbing on her wrist, which was red and sore from his tight grasp.

"I need to apologise to her…please Peyton"

"Okay" she sighed out not wanting to argue any more and slightly scared in case he got physical again. It had shocked her and scared her more than he realised; Lucas had never done anything like that before she most definitely was not expecting it. "Just…tread carefully" she added not wanting him to upset Anna any more tonight.

"I will" he replied before ascending up the stairs.

He knocked on his daughter's bedroom door before slowly entering the room. She was buried in her bed covers; all that he could see was the top of her blond curls that were peaking out of her pink duvet. He nervously made his way to the bed and knelt down beside it.

"Anna" he said softly wanting her to look at him.

"Go away" she replied angrily.

"Anna please"

Silence.

He waited a few moments and then pulled the covers off of his daughter. She wasn't pleased, he could tell from the look on her face.

"I'm sorry sweetie" he said breaking the silence but she didn't seem satisfied with his apology. He couldn't blame her, he hadn't been there for her like a father should be for a long time and when he promised her things would change he let her down again. Why should she believe he was sorry now when he had already lied to her countless times?

"You scared mommy" she said in a small voice. The little girl was very perceptive of her mother's feelings and she noticed the look of fear on her mother's face mere moments ago.

"I know and I'm sorry…daddy was angry and I know I shouldn't have shouted and scared mommy"

"I wish things could go back to how they were" Anna said quietly with a sadness in her eyes.

Lucas swallowed the lump in his throat; this was really getting to him. Anna deserved a happy childhood, she deserved a mother and a father who would always be there for her and he hated that they had caused her pain; she was so innocent in everything.

"So do I" he whispered stroking her curls.

"Then why can't it?" she asked not understanding why things were like they were; surely if he too didn't like how things were he would make an effort to change them.

"I don't know sweetie…its complicated. Mommy and I have been through a lot of pain and I didn't handle it well"

The little girl nodded at her father understanding but he still noticed the sadness in her eyes; all she wanted was her mother and father back. Was that really too much for a five year old to ask?

"I'm still here" she whispered breaking the silence that had fallen over the dark room. She was five years old and every child at their age needs their parents, she was tired of seeing them argue, of not having her daddy living with them anymore. All she wanted was to feel loved and secure, all she wanted was to be happy.

"I know and I'm going to do my best to be here for you from now on"

"You should say sorry to mommy"

"Yeah I think your right"

"I'm always right daddy" she replied with a grin on her face and this brought a smile to his own face. He knew now he had to stop wallowing in self-pity, he had to step up and fight to get his family back, his wife and daughter deserved no less.

"Night night princess" he replied placing a kiss to the child's cheek and tucking her into bed. It was something she had missed for a long time, she was always a daddy's girl so it was hard for her to understand and come to terms with not having him around.

"Night daddy" she replied yawning.

He smiled at her before exiting the bedroom and nervously making his way downstairs to face his wife. He knew he shouldn't have grabbed her like that, he had never done anything to that degree before but seeing her without her wedding ring sent a surge of anger throughout his entire body; it was like something completely possessed and took over him. He hated to think she had given up on him, he knew he had been a lousy husband but he still loved her, he was still completely in love with her, he still wanted her and only her; that was something that would never change.

He found her in the lounge. She was sitting on the sofa looking deep in thought, she would occasionally rub her wrist and that is when he noticed the red mark that had formed, something he had caused. He felt terrible; he had not only failed at being a father but also at being a husband. He knew he had to change things but he didn't know what he could do, what she wanted him to do.

"Hey" he said quietly breaking her from her trance like state.

"Hey" she mumbled back.

"Anna's down for the night" he said approaching her and all she did was nod her head in response.

He knelt down in front of her and gently took hold of her hands. He kissed her softly on the wrist wanting to be affectionate and wanting her to know how truly sorry he was, how he never meant to hurt her. "Peyton I'm sorry"

"It doesn't matter" she replied pulling her hands away from him.

"Yes it does. I shouldn't have reacted like that I'm sorry…I guess…I guess I thought you had given up on me and that thought alone hurt me so much that I wasn't thinking clearly. I love you Peyton and I know I haven't been myself since we lost"

"Don't" she said interrupting him. "I…I can't talk about that…its too…I just can't okay?"

"Okay" he replied not wanting to argue and understanding perfectly why she didn't want to talk about it. He hadn't talked about it properly since it happened because it was just too painful. He had taken the news worse than he probably should have but then again who's to say how he should have felt, how he should have dealt with it, when he should have let go? In fact no one unless they had been through it themselves could possibly begin to understand what he felt, and therefore had no right to tell him how he should be dealing with it.

"Can you just explain to me why you aren't wearing your wedding ring?" he asked calmly.

"I…Lucas…it"

He noticed she was stumbling over her words and that she really didn't want to get into it right now but he needed to know, he needed to understand where she was coming from and more importantly he wanted to understand. Their relationship was always so steady and strong and a major reason for that was because they always communicated with one another. The lack of communication in the last few months was another reason they were barely still married. He wanted to change that, he wanted them to work at their marriage and he knew that they needed effective communication in order for things to improve. They couldn't continue arguing all the time it wasn't getting them anywhere.

"Please Peyton"

"I…I haven't given up on you I just…every time I would catch a glimpse of my hand all it did was remind me of what we used to be and what we are now and…it was just too much…I guess I'm scared we'll never get that back you know…we'll never be the family we used to be" she replied softly and a few tears streamed down her face.

He lifted his hand and gently wiped them away with his thumb. He hadn't been this affectionate in a long time, and he could tell she was surprised she really wasn't used to it.

"We'll get there Peyton…if you want it back enough then we will get there"

"I'm so tired of fighting though" she whispered and he understood that perfectly. Peyton had been fighting her whole life; she rarely caught a break because there was always some sort of drama trying to ruin her life. Every time she would build herself up something else would come along and try to knock her back down. She was immensely strong but sometimes even the strongest of people fall. She was only human after all and everyone has their limits.

He pulled her off the sofa into his arms and to his surprise she didn't push him away, in fact she welcomed the embrace. They both sat on the floor in each other's arms, she clung onto him for dear life and he felt the tears soaking through his thin cotton shirt. He rubbed the back of her hair and whispered soothing words of comfort in her ear. He hated to see her in pain, he knew she had been through hell, he knew she was still going through anguish but his own pain had blinded him and as a result he didn't see the toll everything had taken on his wife in the past few months; not until now anyway.

She felt so tired, so vulnerable, especially since the day had been so exhausting. She had broken down once already in front of Haley and now she was doing the same with Lucas, she really was emotionally drained. There was a faint voice in the back of her head telling her this was progress, she had waited so long for any type of affection from him, for them to be able to turn to one another in this desperate time of need. She smiled slightly at the thought but she hadn't truly smiled for a long time, the only time she really smiled was when her daughter did something, whether that be making her laugh or making her proud her daughter had been the only one capable of making her smile.

She felt safe in his arms; they always did have that effect on her. They were strong and the feeling of them wrapped around her small frame made her feel more secure than she had in a long time. It was like no one could hurt her not while his arms were around her. She was happy to stay in this position forever but she wasn't that naïve she knew she had to face reality again. The world was still out there and she had no choice but to continue on with her life.

A few moments later he gently pulled away from her and looked into her glossy emerald eyes. He wiped the remaining tears away and took in her beauty, she was stunning to him regardless of her puffy red eyes and ruined make up, she was still his Peyton, the only woman who truly captivated him in every way possible. They hadn't been this close for a long time it felt surreal yet nice. It felt right and to Lucas it felt like home, something he hadn't felt for a while.

"I miss you Peyton" he said sincerely.

"What?"

"This whole week without you, ever since you kicked me out of the house it was like I finally opened my eyes…I need you and I miss you"

"I miss you too" she whispered as another tear streamed down her cheek; another tear that Lucas so lovingly wiped away.

He caressed her face with his hand, reacquainting himself with her; it had been far too long since he had last touched her and now he was relishing in the physical contact. Their eyes had locked, she wanted to look away but he always had such a strong effect on her, it was like a much stronger force was keeping her eyes fixed on him, something she really could not control. He smiled at her and she shyly smiled back at him, then he focused in on her lips and couldn't control his head from moving closer to her, from closing the distance between them.

Before she had the time to register what was happening his mouth was on hers. The kiss was soft, it surprised her, it was gentle and undemanding; she wasn't expecting that type of affection from him. It was simply a soft press of lips to lips, meant to reassure and soothe her, meant to show her just how much he still cared about her. However, that simple kiss stirred up heat between the two, resulting in passion erupting and taking over them both. Her hands found the back of his neck while his hands ended up buried in her curls both feeling the need to be closer to one another. Their lips continued to crash together conveying passion, longing and love. The want and need for one another was so overpowering that neither could seem to pull away. Lucas tried to deepen the kiss by licking the seams of her lips, wanting entrance so badly, needing to explore her mouth fully but it was that very action that reminded Peyton what she was doing and with those thoughts running through her mind she pulled away from him and stood up distancing herself from him.

"Peyton what's wrong?" he asked genuinely confused.

"I can't…its too…I just can't okay"

"Its okay…we don't have to do anything" he replied making his way towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and titled her head up so he could make eye contact. "I know things can't magically go back to how they were, I know it will take work and time but I'm willing to fight for this family"

"I'm still hurting Lucas and you haven't been there through it all I needed you and you weren't there…I…I don't know if I have the strength to fight right now. I'm still dealing with everything and I don't want us to disrupt Anna's life even more than we already have." She replied pulling herself from his arms

"I want to be there for you Peyton…I want us to be there for each other"

"I just…I need time Lucas."

He sighed but didn't start an argument reminding himself how pointless they really were. He also wanted to prove to his wife that he was still the same man she fell in love with all those years ago. He knew he had lost his true self for a while and he was finally starting to see things clearly. It really is amazing how one push from his wife changed everything. Ever since she made the decision to kick him out of the house he realised how selfish he had been and he really want to change that, he wanted so badly to return to who he used to be.

"If time is what you need then I will give you time but remember I'm here Peyton and I'm trying. You said you wanted your husband back…I'm here"

With that he placed a soft kiss to her cheek and exited the house. A few silent tears ran down her face. She didn't know what to do. Having her husband back and being the family they used to be was everything she wanted but she felt conflicted. She was scared in case they couldn't make things work. She was scared in case she let him back in and then her heart got broken all over again. She also didn't know how they could get back to how they were when they hadn't even talked about their loss. They had both dealt with it separately and she knew neither of them were over it, she knew they needed to grieve together but again she was unsure of whether that would happen, she was unsure of whether they were capable of really opening up to each other anymore.

AN: Thanks for reading and to all the wonderful reviews so far.

I think I gave you quite a good clue as to what happened and don't worry I am thinking of writing flashbacks to explain everything fully. In the meantime I would love to read your thoughts on this chapter :)