Inside the Series: Bleach

Welcome to Kuchiki Rukia Part I, my friends. Let me tell you a little story about...no, I don't want to bore you any more than I already do with the actual stories. Naturally, I don't own Bleach or anything it stands for. Read this, you losers!

Kuchiki Rukia is a Soul Reaper and a high schooler. The latter part is untrue in the real world, because Rukia works three jobs every day of every week. Bleach is filmed on Fridays, while on Saturdays and Sundays Rukia whores. Monday through Thursday, she works as a waitress in a Hooters down the street from Titan Nerd Stadium (I eat there every Thursday night because that's when she can meet me in the back alley for some MNF, M and N respectively standing for "much" and "needed". As for the F, use either of the two words you think should go here.). On the show, Rukia is often quiet and sometimes strict towards Ichigo. This is because of off-set turmoil in her life. Off the set, Rukia whores to help pay some unknown figure. She also does a lot of meth, me on Thurdays, more meth, her own laundry, a little more meth, her own cooking without a microwave, and whoops, OD'd on meth. For those of you wondering who this unknown figure is, sit down, maybe open up YouTube in another tab so that you can listen to some music. We have a Titan Nerd Inside the Series Studio Session.

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"And welcome to Inside the Series: Bleach with your host, the proprietor of Titan Nerd, me," said Charles. "For those of you who are just tuning in, I'm Charles Tolle. If you don't know me, know that I am the only wildman who... okay, I couldn't come up with something funny there." The audience shouted a loud boo. "What do you want from me? Geez. In any event, our guest is here, please welcome Kuchiki Rukia."

The audience cheered as Rukia walked into the studio and sat in the chair across from Charles.

"Hello, Charles," she said. "And hello to everyone watching this at home, or at school, or wherever. If you're a fan of Bleach, I appreciate the support. If you're not a fan, go to hell."

"That's a little rough, isn't it?" Charles asked.

"Not as rough as some of the questions that you will ask me," said Rukia. "C'mon, Charles, do you really want to know why I picked picked Harry as my stunt double?"

"Actually," said Charles, "I'm just here to be the host. Members of the audience put their names in a hat, and I pulled eight names out. Those eight people will read their questions to you, one at a time. And you are expected to answer each question, otherwise, I will make up an answer on the spot. Our first question comes from a William Jembalo."

"Miss Kuchiki," William Jembalo said as he stood up, "I have watched every episode and read every volume. What I want to know is..."

"Question time is up!" said Charles. "Mr. Jembalo, I'm afraid you could not ask your question quickly enough. Pity. Our second question comes from a Paige Shantish."

"Hi," said Paige Shantish. "Is it true that you work as a prostitute on weekends?"

"I will not confirm or deny that I am a prostitute on weekends," Rukia answered.

"That usually means yes," said Charles. "Third question comes from a Lillian Seth-Benjamin."

"Do you spit or swallow?" Lillian Seth-Benjamin asked.

"I spit out Listerine and swallow cough medicine," said Rukia.

"I've heard that the gravy is good for coughs," said Charles.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rukia asked suspiciously.

"I don't know," said Charles. "I don't like the gravy." He looked at the audience and pointed to the sign above everyone. "Our fourth question comes from a Gregory MacGregor."

"Why do you live in Ichigo's closet?" Gregory MacGregor asked.

"Because it's the easiest place to hide in the human world."

"Isn't that stalkerish?"

"Not in my case."

"Okay," said Charles. "I know that if I were you, I'd be looking through the crack in the closet door at night when he's getting ready for the shower. If I was you, Rukia, not if I was myself. Just clearing it up. Okay, Mr. MacGregor asked two questions, so we'll throw out James Paiyne-O'Neil's question. Our sixth question comes from Andrew Passe-MacRay."

"Which way to the bathroom?" asked Andrew Passe-MacRay.

"That way," said Charles. "Seventh question comes from Jesse Verity."

"Why does your network suck?" Jesse Verity asked.

"Throw his ass out," said Charles. "Okay, Rukia, time for the last question."

"Wait, wait, wait," said Rukia. "First, you said the guests would read their questions to me and the last two questions were directed at you. Second, if I'm expected to answer, why did you answer those last two questions?"

"The first one was something that I know," said Charles. "Mr. Passe-MacRay wanted to know the way to the bathroom, so I directed him. Mr. Verity wanted to be a jerk, so I took appropriate measures."

"That doesn't quite sound appropriate to me," said Rukia.

"Well, that's your opinion," said Charles. "The last question comes from a Conlan Moore-Collins."

"How much for a Soul Society Sword Sharpening?" Conlan Moore-Collins asked. "I saw it on a movie last night, and I have to have it done to me."

"Ix-nay, ix-nay," Charles said pointing to the sign.

"What's on that sign?" Rukia asked. She got up and walked to the front of the stage. "Lay off questions about...whoring." She turned to Charles. "Did you pick these people on purpose?"

"No," said Charles. "They were mashed up slightly modified versions of FaceBook friends of mine. That's all the time for today's show. Rukia, it was a pleasure having you. A real pleasure. This was Inside the Series, I'm Charles Tolle, and tune in next time when I interview Chad!"

I think my next chapter will be fun to write. And yes, I know that my stories have lost any time consistency they may or may not have once had. Sue me.