A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Life caught up and was unrelenting. I hope the constant switching between present and future is not confusing. I will write an Ashley POV next chapter so you all can get a better understanding of her. As always, thanks for reading this story and for your patience.
Italics are flashbacks and Bold are songs.
I'm still at the rooftop reminiscing about the first time Ashley sang to me when I felt strong but soft arms embrace me from behind. I know it's her. I always know. I let myself fall deeper into her arms. It's the same arms that have caught me from falling down. Kept me sane all these years. The same arms that have comforted me when I was sad or hurt. But sadly, no matter how I try to remember how it felt, and no matter how tight she hugs me, her arms feel different.
"Hi there…Maddy said she saw you come up here." Ashley says.
"Yeah I just needed a breather."
"Everything ok?" She asks me. The old Ashley would have never asked me that. She would have known that I was upset.
I turn to face her and put on the best impersonation of my former self. "Of course love, everything is fine. Like I said, just needed a breather." I smile and tilt my head for special effects. And then I hug her tightly.
I close my eyes and pretend that even just for a second, ,that I am 17 year old Spencer and she is 17 year old Ashley. God, I miss that girl so much. I don't want to open eyes. Because if I do, she'll disappear.
8 Years Ago
"What about you? What do you want to be?" It's her turn to ask me. I am now lying on her lap and she is stroking my hair. I'm trying not to die right now because if I did, I'd be really happy in her arms. After she finished singing to me, we somehow ended up like this on our blanket.
"Well some days, I want to be like my dad, a lawyer.,.. You know, defend the wrongly accused or work for the poor who can't afford lawyers. But then again, I want to be like mom too. I want to be a doctor and perform a really awesome surgery to save a child's life. And then some days, I want to be a film maker. I want to travel the world and make documentaries about the poverty in Africa or the war in the Middle East…... I'm conflicted though. My dad says that I should just be a teacher or a nurse so that I'll have time to take care of my husband and my family. My mom tells me that there's no future in law anymore. My film teacher in Ohio said that there were too many wannabe Spielbergs nowadays. ….So I'm conflicted."
She's staring at me again. I hate it when she stares at me like that. I feel like she's poking holes into my brain and analyzing every word and every thought of mine.
"Let me tell you something. Screw what your parents tell you. The hell with what your teacher told you. You, Spencer Carlin, can be anything you want to be. Because, I, Ashley Davies, said so. Because I think that you're an incredibly talented and intelligent being. And you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. I think you'll surprise us all one day with how great you're going be, Spencer Carlin." I probably look like a tomato with all the blushing but thankfully, it's dark and she can't see my face.
"You're such a softie you know that? Behind the tough girl exterior, there is cute little version of you that's dying to get out." I tease her and she pulls my hair gently.
"Spence….Spence? Did Mr. Carter talk to you about Thomas Scott? It's going to be a huge case and this is your chance to prove yourself. The only evidence they have are the victims' complaints…and according to the police report, their testimonies are inconsistent."
And there's my wake up call. My wake up call to tell me that the girl I am holding is no longer her 17 year old self. And as much as I miss her, I miss my old self even more.
"Oh, so he talked to you about the Scott case before me" I ask her and quickly let go.
"No actually, it was me who spoke to him about Mr. Scott. I met Thomas through his younger sister Janey years ago. She informed me that her brother was in trouble and needed a great lawyer. So I pitched the idea to Mr. Carter. To have you take the lead in this case."
"So you went to our boss to get a "career-defining" case for me and you didn't think to speak to me about this first? Why? Do you think I'm incapable of obtaining cases for myself?" I somehow feel betrayed about this.
"It's not that Spencer…..I just.."
"And did you even consider how I would feel about a case involving child rape?"
"Spencer, I know the Scott family. Thomas Scott is a good man and a great father. He is being framed for money. There is evidence that the parents are seeking to settle for the right dollar amount. Thomas Scott refuses to settle because he is not guilty. And Mr. Carter wants to take this to trial."
"Ash, I don't think I can take this case. I can't do this."
"Spence, you're a very talented lawyer. Mr. Scott deserves a great defense and I think you're beyond capable of doing that."
She's not hearing what I'm trying to say. I know I can take on this case. But I don't want to. It goes against everything I believe and there is no way I am going to represent a child rapist.
"I don't want to take the case. I don't defend child rapists."
"Spencer, you are a defense attorney! You're supposed to defend the accused, not judge them. And you're not exactly at liberty to pick and choose your cases!" She is now raising her voice at me.
"But you have the liberty to go behind my back and choose my cases for me? And you accuse me of being judgmental when you already declared his innocence? Who do you think you are, Ashley?" I raise my voice back at her.
"Look I'm sorry if you feel that way…I'm only trying to help your career because Mr. Carter is thinking about laying off associates who are not performing to his standards. ….And you're one of them." She says the last part quietly.
I'm not surprised at Ashley's news. In fact, I sort of expected it. In a way, I wanted it. I stay quiet and Ashley continues on talking.
"Hey, sweetie…don't worry about it okay. I spoke to him already and he understands. He's not going to let you go but he will monitor your progress. He wants maximum productivity from you in the next six months. I've assured him that I will help you reach your potential." Her tone is soothing now.
I stay quiet. I'm not fazed by the news at all. In fact, I feel relieved that I have a way out of this. What is shocking to me is Ashley's complete ignorance of how I feel. I don't know if she is completely unaware of my unhappiness or if it is a blatant disregard for my feelings.
"Let's start with this Scott case, ok. I had my paralegal compile a case file for you already."
I'm looking at her intensely and I am begging for her to notice the emptiness inside. But she doesn't. She doesn't notice anything.
"Ash, I'm not…" I'm trying to tell her I don't want to do this but she interrupts me.
"Spencer, we will get through this ok. Like we always do. "
"It's not the case Ash, it's just that…" I'm interrupted again.
"Whatever it is, it doesn't matter Spencer. We can do this together. The only important thing is that I'm happy. You're happy. I love you and you love me. That's all that matters. Just Spencer and Ashley, ok?" She says this with unwavering confidence.
I give up. I'm not up for arguing and there's really no point.
"Yeah of course." Was my only reply to her.
"Alright then. Let's head back in."
Just to make Ashley happy, I took the file from her and told her that I'll review it over the weekend. I place in my brief case but I really don't have any plans to even open it.
I locked myself in the office and put my head down on my desk for a good minute. I wish that Ashley would just listen to me. But then again, I wish I had the courage to tell her what's going on inside my head. I don't know how and that is my problem. I feel like if I say something, if I fight back, our lives would fall apart. Or Ashley's life would fall apart. Even though I have been feeling like this, I don't want to hurt her. I have spent every waking moment of my life for the past 8 years making sure Ashley doesn't get hurt or that she doesn't get disappointed. She's been hurt way too many times by people she's loved and I promised her that I wasn't going to be like those people. I promised her from the moment she gave her heart to me that I would take care of it would every fiber of my being.
And that has been the biggest mistake of my life. I gave Ashley everything and left nothing for myself. And now I am stuck in career I despise and in a relationship I am no longer sure of.
We we're back in court again for the Henderson trial and Ashley is stellar in her performance. She destroyed the credibility of the prosecution's witnesses and exposed the detective's incompetence and laziness during the investigation. Ashley is on a natural high like the way she used to be when she sang on stage. I remember those days like it was yesterday.
8 Years Ago
"Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to Grey's open mic night. As you all know, we only accept performers that write their own songs. We have a first time performer today. Give it up for the beautiful Ms. Ashley Davies!" The DJ announces to the crowd and the crowd goes wild. We are at Grey's tonight for Ashley's performance. I sort of convinced her to sign up. Or more like forced her to sign up.
"I can't do this Spencer! Please don't make me go out there!" Ashley protests as I try to push her on stage.
"Ashley! We've talked about this before. You're an extremely talented musician."
" But what if they don't like me? What if I get booed? What if they throw their beer bottles at me? Or worse, what if they wait for me in the parking lot and beat the crap out of me."
"What do I always tell you?"
"That I'm hot and gorgeous?"
"No silly. That if there is anyone who can inspire masses with a microphone, it's you dummy!"
She grins at me and gives me a tight hug followed by a kiss on the cheek.
"You're amazing you know that?" She tells me.
I smile at her and give her one hard shove towards the stage. She recovers and walks the rest of the way over to her guitar. Ashley is one hot girl but with that guitar, she is a goddess.
"Uh Hello..I'm Ashley.."
"Hi Ashley" The crowd replies in unison.
"My best friend Spencer over there forced me to play for you all. So if I suck, feel free to blame her." The crowd laughs and I know they'll love her.
"Here's a song I wrote…it's called "You Make it Real" …."
The crowd cheers on as she starts strumming her guitar.
There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me
The crowd is quiet but attentive. I have now made my way to the front row so I can get a better view of Ashley.
When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me
Her voice is so raw and so powerful. Not only is she an amazing singer, but she's one heck of a song writer. I actually haven't heard this song yet.
And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
Her eyes are closed the whole entire time she's singing this song. I can't help but feel pride. It's taken Ashley quite a while to open up to me. She rarely talks about her family or what's going on inside of her head. But when she sings, she bares her heart and soul to me.
When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me
There's nothing I want more in this world than to be the one that Ashley runs to.
And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
I want to be the only person who truly knows who she is.
Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you
She's now opened her eyes and is directly looking at me. Looking into my soul.
I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me
The crowd is going wild but I feel like I am the only person in this room right now. I am the only one she is singing to. I can hear everyone screaming Ashley's name.
And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me
She never took her eyes off of me and I am too amazed to move. She removes her guitar and steps down from the stage. I didn't even notice that she is right in front of me.
"Hi"
"Hi"
"So what do you think?"
"Amazing"
"Hehe Thank you. I couldn't have done without you."
"I know."
"So you wrote that song?"
"Yeah and I wrote it for you."
A/N: Song is by James Morrison.
Thanks for reading. Please review.