Big thanks to Inavia, Neve W, hanatsuki14, EdhelwenOnieta, Gray Maka, clarethornton, ktime27 for following/favouriting.

Marta madzia – Glad to be of service (takes smug bow)

Emmakmc – That might be an understatement!

Meryem Schneyder – Thanks!

KHB123 – Don't worry they will get their comeuppance at some point. And yeah I wouldn't be too hard on the family at the moment.

JustAnotherGirl94 – I am now intrigued about your fic! And thanks!

EdhelwenOnieta – Same! My friend asked me to pick between them and I was just like "you might want to leave now!"

I Can't Fight This Feeling

Kili bit his lip as he stared at himself in the mirror. The bruises had almost faded from his attack and you could only tell his nose was broken if you looked closely. The second he had walked through the door he had been bombarded with questions. Dis had hugged him so hard Kili swore he had bruises on his bruises. Fili looked ready to murder someone whilst Thorin kept on asking him who it was. Kili knew it had been a perfect chance to explain things to them. To say what had been happening to him. But he knew he couldn't. He didn't want to see the shame and disappointment on their faces. So he had explained he had been mugged and had never seen their faces before shutting himself in his room.

Re-braiding his hair Kili took a deep breath. This couldn't go on. Every time he stepped out of his front door he knew he wouldn't get back home without having some sort of insult thrown his way.

"Do everyone a favour and kill yourself!"

Kili blinked back his tears. Maybe Herrack had been right. No one in his family noticed him half the time. He highly doubted he would ever be missed by them. If anything they would thank him. Thank him for finally doing the one thing they all knew they should have done a long time ago.

Kili brushed down his clothes. They were his favourites. A thick blue tunic and his new leather coat trimmed with fur. Fili had brought it for him a couple of years ago. If he was going to do this then he would do it in style.

"Kili?"

At Fili's voice Kili jumped. As his brother came in he hurriedly blinked back the last of his tears. Fili gave him a wan smile.

"How do you feel Kee?"

"Everything aches," Kili admitted, "But I'm fine."

Fili nodded, "Do you…can you remember who it was?"

Kili shook his head and Fili sighed, "Well if you do come and tell me. I'll personally see to it that they pay for what they did."

Kili nodded silently. Fili shuffled his feet.

"Kili you can't stay in here all day!"

I can Kili thought. But he didn't dare voice it. He knew how childish it would make him sound. Fili placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come to the Durin's Day festival with me. Mother and Thorin have already gone down."

Kili shook his head. Fili gently squeezed his shoulder.

"Come on Kili. They'll be food and ale. It might make you feel better if you're among friends."

Kili sighed. He was half tempted to go. At least then he would give Fili one last happy memory of him. His brother deserved that much at least. But the more he thought about it the more he knew he couldn't. If he went then he wouldn't be able to go through with it. And he would just sit back and allow the abuse to build and build.

He couldn't let that happen.

Placing a hand on his stomach Kili shook his head.

"No thanks Fili. I don't feel very well to be honest."

Fili nodded, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

Kili shook his head a little too vigorously. Fili bit his lip.

"At least let me get you a drink. You've gone so pale Kee."

As his brother left Kili played along. Lying down on the bed he curled up into a ball. He only had to wait a few more minutes for Fili to leave and then he could get on with it. His brother placed a glass of water by his bed.

"I'll only be a few hours Kili."

Kili nodded. He didn't dare move until he knew Fili had left the house. As he heard the door slam shut he got out of bed and hurried over to his desk. He had no idea when Fili and the others would come home. But he needed it to be done long before then. Grabbing several sheets of paper Kili picked up a pen and tapped it against his nose. In doing so he winced and put the pen down. Now the moment was here he had no idea how to start. Biting his lip he shut his eyes and took a deep breath – letting the words form in his head – before putting pen to paper.

Dear Thorin.

Sorry im such a disappointment to you. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. I didn't even mind that you loved Fili more than me. If you were proud of me then I would have still been happy. The day I realised I wouldn't be able to wield an axe broke my heart. Because then I knew you'd finally see me for the failure that I am. I think back to the night I was born and I hate myself for it. I almost killed your sister, my mother, and I don't blame you for hating me for it.

But you'll still have Fili. He'll make you proud, I know he will. He'll do what I couldn't do and be a great heir and an even greater king. When he comes back and finds me gone just tell him not to cry over me. In fact, tell yourselves not to cry – even though I know you won't. Just forget that I ever existed. Move on with your lives and wipe me from your memories.

I'm sorry that I was worth the trouble of being kept alive - premature and weak in the middle of winter. I wish you would have just snapped my neck the minute I was born. I know you all wanted that to happen. Well now I'm going to do it for you. I'm finally going to do something that makes you proud of me. Something that makes you all happy.

Kili

Kili gently folded up the letter before sliding it into an envelope. Scribbling Thorin's name on it he then moved onto the next one. This one was a lot shorter.

Mother.

Sorry for being born so early. I never planned it to happen and I wish that I had died that night. Then at least you wouldn't have to put up with a failure of a son.

I'm sorry I made you cry tonight when you got home and sorry you had to find out this way.

Love you

Kili

Putting it into a new envelope Kili wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. There was plenty more he wanted to say to his mother. But he didn't have time for it all. He had to get this business done before someone came back and tried to stop him. Pulling the last sheet of paper towards him he shook his head. He had left Fili's til the end because he knew this one was going to be the hardest to write. Every word he scribbled down tore through him. But he forced himself through it. All it was, was a mix of his letter to Thorin and his letter to his Mother. He hoped it explained things to Fili. He hoped it would make his brother realise how much Kili despised himself for bringing shame to the family.

"I love you Fee."

Sealing up Fili's envelope Kili forced himself to his feet. He clutched the envelopes to his chest tightly as he hurried from his room and towards the kitchen. The table sat in the middle, not yet set for dinner. Placing the letters on a chair Kili hurried to and fro, bringing plates and cutlery and setting them down. The least he could do was help his mother out. It was his turn today after all. Wiping his hands he set the letters at their designated spaces. Nodding he grabbed his pack from the corner of the kitchen. Rooting around inside he ran the list through his mind. Satisfied he had everything he slung it over his shoulder and hurried towards the door.

Even though he knew he should just get it over with, Kili didn't want to do it here. He wanted to be somewhere that had happy memories for him.

And there was only one place like that.

THE FEELS! POOR POOR KILI! Don't worry I promise this story will have a happy ending. Also we will see what was in Fili's letter but just to make things worse I want it to be revealed as he reads it himself! Let me know what you think xx