Holy cow.
It's my first day volunteering at Sacred Heart Hospital.
Holy cow.
You have no idea how nervous I am right now.
There's supposed to be an orientation meeting with the Chief of Medicine, but he's kinda… not here. Nobody knows where he is. Everybody seems absolutely terrified of this guy, and if the stories I've heard are true, we're all quite right to be scared of him. Eek.
It's weird being a volunteer. I have my own nametag. It has my picture on it and it says 'Volunteer' in big letters along the bottom. And it has my name on it. Obviously. And I'm wearing a pair of black scrubs. Apparently volunteers have to wear scrubs too, which kinda surprises me. It seems that in this hospital, the colour of your scrubs varies according to what job you do here. The internal medicine doctors wear blue scrubs. The surgeons wear green scrubs. The nurses wear any other colour of scrubs. The volunteers wear black scrubs. It's a bit morbid, don't you think? Black reminds me of death and funerals and all that jazz (God, I love Chicago). What patient in here would like to be reminded of death? Is it just me that thinks that?
Okay, the door to this weird room has just opened. And Bob Kelso is walking in. He's going to stand at the podium. Behind him is some guy in a suit, who has, like, no hair. He's completely bald apart from one strip of hair that goes from one ear to the other. He's sweating. Profusely.
"Good afternoon volunteers," Dr Kelso begins, smile on his face, "and welcome to Sacred Heart Hospital."
I'm waiting for him to start being as evil as everyone (everyone being my aunt, that weird guy JD, Carla and her husband Turk) says he is.
"Here at Sacred Heart we are a family, and families support each other. You're all going to love volunteering here. Now just remember that I am your safety net."
Kelso doesn't seem so bad. I wonder why everyone hates him so much… Mind you, the speech does seem rather scripted. And why would we need a safety net…?
"That's all I wanted to say. Now, as part of the volunteer programme, you're all assigned to different attendings, who will tell you want to do each day."
Now that I knew. Apparently the attending I've been assigned to is Doctor Cox. My aunt's friend JD LOVES this guys. Calls him his 'mentor', which is weird when JD is also an attending. Hmm. I get the impression that JD is a little prone to hero worship… and also seems a little gay if his weird friendship with Carla's husband Turk is anything to go by. I think they used the words 'guy love' to describe it. I don't have a problem with gay people, by the way. My uncle Barry is extremely gay. I like my uncle Barry. He's really cool.
Doctor Kelso's speech has finished, we have been split into groups, and we're all going to find the attendings that are supposed to look after us. There are another six volunteers with me looking for Dr Cox. I wonder if he got beat up in high school with that name. Down the corridor from us is a tall man with red curly hair. Curly like the springs inside a mattress. He does not look like a happy chappy. We're standing in front of the man and the people behind me shove me forward, telling me I'm the one that has to speak to this guy. I turned and glare at them first. "Excuse me," I say nervously, "are you Dr Cox?"
"Oh look, it's volunteers," he deadpans. "I am Doctor Cox and since I am apparently in charge of all you yahoos, let me take the time to tell you all the things that I care about more than you people: The US Government. The UK Government. God. Satan. Anything that happens in Seattle Grace Hospital. Hugh Jackman. Lindsey Lohan. And, last and least, this girl," he concludes, pointing at JD, who looks completely astonished and ecstatic. "Oh, and I hate all of those things. With a passion."
O…kay….
"Hey Turk! Guess what Dr Cox said about me!" JD comes bouncing towards me. "Dr Cox said that he cared more about me than the new volunteers. How awesome is that?"
"Dude, I just had a woman die on the operating table."
JD's face falls. I didn't mean to bum him out, but when a patient dies on the table, it's just horrible.
"You okay, Chocolate Bear?"
"Yeah. It happens." It might happen sometimes, but it doesn't make it much easier. The woman was in a car accident. She was seven months pregnant. Her baby was delivered by C-section a week ago and is fighting for her life up in the NICU. It's been one of those cases that really rattles you; the kind that you remember for years. As a doctor or a surgeon, you get used to telling families that their loved one has passed away, but you don't get used to ones like this.
"Yeah. It does," JD says. I know he understands. Kinda. He's a doctor; he knows what it's like to lose patients. "Well I'm kinda bummed out too. This whole thing with Elliot-"
"Dude!" I interrupt. "I'm about to tell a man that his fiancée is dead and that his baby girl is most likely going to die too. I don't have time for your 'Elliot troubles'."
"Fine! I'll go find someone who will listen to me!" JD storms away in huff. He takes a few steps before turning around, looking at me with a scowl. "You are off the hug schedule for today," he says through gritted teeth. He continues to storm away.
I feel bad. I hadn't meant to be that harsh, but I really don't have time for it. I know how the whole scenario's going to play out anyway. He'll keep his feelings secret from her for, like, ever. Then in a couple of months they'll get together for their annual hook-up. That's the route the JD/Elliot train takes every time. It gets annoying after a while.
The waiting room is really busy, but I spot my patient's fiancé right away. He's been here 24/7 for the last week. I really hate having to do this. "Mr Danson…"
--
"Carla, can I talk-"
"Sorry, Bambi," I say, "I'm completely swamped." Right now I'm filling in forms, but actually I'm not swamped. I just can't be bothered talking to him Mean, I know. But what you gonna do? Yesterday he was talking to me for four freaking hours about how he's trying to get Dr Cox admit he's JD's mentor; it's just boring to the point that I was five minutes away from being declared brain-dead. I can't be brain-dead; I've got a six-month-old baby. And plus it's always funny to watch him melodramatically storm off in a huff. And there he goes. Right. On. Cue.
And here comes Elliot. She's looking a little depressed. To be honest, she seemed a little… off for the last few weeks. I would try to ask what's wrong with her and try to fix it, but Turk's bet me that I can't go three months without being a, as he put it, 'busybody smarty-pants'. I can't gossip or try to fix other people's problems. At least, not when they don't ask for help. I think that if somebody asks for help, I'm allowed to advise him or her of the right way to go. I need to check the rules…
"Hey, Carla," Elliot sombrely says. She's got her sad face on. "Can I talk to you?"
Okay, this could potentially be a busybody smarty-pants situation. I have to be extra careful about how I handle this if I want to get those shoes in three months. "Sure. What's up?"
"I don't want to talk here. Can we go to the cafeteria?"
"Uh… sure." This must be quite serious if she wants to go to the cafeteria. She doesn't normally bother about talking at the Nurses' Station. Hmm. "I'll just get somebody to cover for me."
Laverne reluctantly agrees to cover for me for half an hour while I'm away talking to Elliot. I'm nervous. One, something's wrong with Elliot, and two, I'm more than likely to lose a pair of Chanel sling backs. Oh dear.
Okay. I… am screwed.
Now I really want to tell Elliot how bad an idea it would try the whole dating JD thing again, but that would break the 'no fixing other people's problems' rule. But it's really not a good idea! Everyone knows it doesn't go well. Still, I feel bad for her. She seems really hung up about it. I really wanna help her out.
It's going to be a long three months.
Good lord, is there anything better than eavesdropping? I feel kinda bad for Aunt Ellie though. JD likes somebody else. Blonde Doctor/ Barbie, whoever that is. There are a few blonde haired doctors about here…
Since my friends so gloriously blew me off (note the sarcasm), I'm now in the cafeteria hoping somebody will be free to talk to. Alyssa is sitting at a table by herself looking rather bored. She looks as if she'd be free to talk, but since what I want to talk about is my feelings for her aunt, that's probably not the best idea. Then again, I have already spoken to Alyssa, but I didn't know she was Elliot's niece. Ach, what the hell. I think I said that the first time I spoke to her.
"Hey Alyssa," I say as I sit down opposite her. "Where are the other volunteers?"
"Dr Cox told them to go and find the tartan paint," she answers. "It's so stupid. Why would there be paint in a hospital?"
So as the janitor can paint my shoes red.
"So how you doing with this girl you like?"
Okay, she brought it up, not me. As of this moment, I am not responsible for any mental disturbance this conversation may cause. "Horribly. It's like everywhere I go around the hospital, she's there. And everywhere I go in my dreams, she's there too."
"Who's there?"
"I think we'd all prefer it if she were to remain nameless."
"Fair enough." She takes a drink from the water bottle sitting in front of her. "So what you going to do about it?"
"Huh?"
"You can't just do nothing about it. You want to be depressed your whole life. Ask the girl out for crying out loud. What have you got to lose?" She asks. Like it's that easy.
"I'm beginning to see why you and Carla get along so well," I mumble. "What if she says 'no'?"
"But what if she says yes?" Alyssa says.
"But what if she says 'no'?"
"Don't you know anything about the power of positive thinking?" Alyssa says, while rolling her eyes. "Think positively and good things are more likely to happen."
"Aaand just when you think you can't hear any more crap, and volunteer goes and does it," Dr Cox says loudly. I didn't even know he was in the room. Janitor follows him. "Now, since you were the only one not stupid enough to fall for the tartan paint gag, Jumpsuit here is going to show you around the hospital."
"Coolness," Alyssa says as she stands up. She walks away with Janitor and I can only imagine what kind of crap he's going to tell her.
Dr Cox scowls at me and growls. "Get back to work, Sally."
"Second floor bathroom," I announce. "Avoid them at all costs."
"Why?"
"You don't wanna know," I grimace.
Blonde volunteer's name is apparently Alyssa. I've shown her where the trashcans are, where we keep the beer, you know, the important stuff. We're now at the second floor Nurses' Station, where everybody seems to be very busy.
"Who is everybody about here?" she asks. "I don't know anyone."
"Well that's Dr Beardface." I point to the large doctor with an even larger beard. "And there's Dr Mickhead, although the interns will tell you his name begins with another letter. There's Nurse Laverne. She believes in Jesus."
"My mum believes in Jesus," she says.
"Do you?"
She shrugs.
"That's Scooter," I snarl as he walks past. "Also known as Idiot."
He turns around. "What?"
"See?"
He scoffs and then walks away.
"He's the one that's in love with Blonde Doctor," I add. "Speaking of whom, that's her." I point to Blonde Doctor, who is busy looking at a chart.
Alyssa's eyes go wide with what I assume is shock. "That's Blonde Doctor?"
"Yeah. Why?"
She smirks. "This just got interesting."