"Gonna smile for the cameras?" muttered Gordon sarcastically as the car pulled up in front of Arkham Asylum.
"Why change the habit of a lifetime?" retorted Batman.
"Ok. If you've gotta say something, just say 'no comment.' Otherwise keep silent."
"I can do that," said Batman, nodding.
Gordon nodded, taking hold of the handcuffs on his wrists and preparing to open the door. "Good luck in there," he murmured, squeezing his hand.
And then the door opened and they stepped out, to blinding flashes of light and a flurry of voices.
"Commissioner, did you ever have any indication that Batman was a psychopath?"
"Batman, are you afraid of what's going to happen to you in Arkham?"
"Do you think the Joker will try to kill you?"
"Do you regret repeatedly beating up the inmates now that you're one of them?"
"Any guesses on how long you'll remain alive?"
"Do you have a final statement before you're basically sentenced to death?"
"Why did you do it, Batman?"
Gordon led him up the steps where Dr. Leland was waiting in front of the building. She took the handcuffs from him and then turned to the cameras. "Let me assure everyone that we in Arkham are taking every precaution to keep Batman safe from the inmates. This isn't the last you'll see of him, I promise. He'll live long enough to have each and every one of you personally apologize to him."
The voices grew louder, but Dr. Leland ignored them, pushing open the doors to the asylum and slamming them shut behind her.
Batman was led down the corridor, trying to ignore the suspicious faces of the staff studying him. He entered the cell block and walked down the hall, gazing intently at the floor. He could feel the heat and the hatred from everyone's eyes, and glanced up to see the inmates he had helped put there pressed against the bars, glaring at him in loathing. Freeze, Croc, Scarface, Clayface, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, the Scarecrow, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn….the Joker.
He was beaming at Batman with that insane grin of his. Batman thought he had never seen him look happier. "Welcome to the madhouse, Batsy!" he chuckled. "After all these years, you've finally come home!"
He laughed hysterically as the others kept glaring at Batman. Dr. Leland said, "Right, everyone listen up! I think you're all familiar with our new inmate…"
"How come he gets to keep his costume?" snapped Poison Ivy.
"Because he has an identity to protect," retorted Dr. Leland. "His secret is a huge part of his persona and I'm not going to risk destroying that persona and breaking his mind."
"The rest of us have to deal with it," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin angrily.
"Batman is not like the rest of you," retorted Dr. Leland. "He's a special case, and because of that, I'm implementing a change in policy. From now on, you will all be sharing your cells with roommates…"
"Dibs, dibs, dibs!" shouted Joker, seizing Batman's arm and pulling him against the bars.
"Aw, but Mr. J, I wanna share a room with you!" said Harley, frowning.
"Harley, we can't have people of different genders sharing rooms," retorted Dr. Leland.
"Why not?" demanded Harley.
"Because we're not supposed to encourage immorality of that kind…"
"But you're gonna let Johnny and Jervis share, and they're a couple!" cried Harley.
"No, we're not!" snapped Crane.
"Yeah, Hatty's a pedophile, Harley, everyone knows that," said Joker. "He wouldn't be interested in the 40-year-old virgin."
"In the what?" demanded Crane.
"I am not a pedophile!" cried Tetch.
"Oh, c'mon, Hatty, just admit it!" retorted Joker. "You want to have a creepy, pseudo-father relationship with a much younger woman. It's just plain wrong."
"But I'm gonna miss you, Daddy," breathed Harley, gazing at Joker with tears in her eyes. "Who's gonna give me a spanking for being a bad girl?"
"Aw, sweets, Daddy will still come and visit you," cooed Joker.
"Not sharing a cell with me you won't," growled Ivy. "I do not wanna see that."
"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, we'll let you join in!" chuckled Joker. "I admit I ain't much like a plant, but at least I got green hair so you can kinda pretend…"
"I don't have sex with plants, you disgusting creep!" shouted Ivy.
"And she can't join in, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "It's our private time!"
"And I wouldn't have a threesome with you if you begged me!"
"Everyone just calm down!" shouted Dr. Leland. "I have assigned roommates for each of you. Freeze, you're with Clayface because he doesn't feel cold. The rest of the pairings are as follows: Harley and Ivy, Two-Face and Scarface, Scarecrow and Hatter, Croc and Riddler, Joker and…Batman."
Everyone started shouting at once, except for Joker, who looked beyond thrilled. "These assignments are final!" shouted Dr. Leland over the chaos. "The attendants will be here in a moment to help you all move cells. No further discussion will be held."
She reached for the keys and unlocked Joker's cell. Batman just looked at her. "Trust me, this is the safest place for you," she murmured. "It's precisely Joker's unique and bizarre psychosis that's going to protect you while you're here."
Batman nodded but said nothing as Dr. Leland pushed him into the cell and then locked the door. She left the cell block without another word.
Joker beamed at him. "All right, c'mere, buddy!" he exclaimed, holding out his arms. "I think somebody needs a hug!"
Batman just glared at him. Joker, undeterred, threw his arms around him and patted him on the back. "You gotta stay strong, ok, buddy?" he murmured. "I know you ain't responsible for those bombs – you ain't got the guts for that kinda fun. I know you been set up, and setting out to ruin your good name like that ain't funny, not at all. We ain't gonna stop fighting until we catch the guys who did that to ya. I promise."
Batman didn't respond, feeling incredibly uncomfortable at being hugged by the Joker. He released him at last and said, grinning, "So, you wanna be on top or bottom? Talking about the bunks, of course, not anything funny!" he giggled. "I prefer top, but it's up to you, roomie!"
"Whatever you want," retorted Batman. "Fortunately I can go three days without sleep."
"Really? And without the help of coffee? You're a better man than I, Batsy!" chuckled Joker. He patted him on the back again. "Lemme show you around the cell. This is the door, of course. Those are the bunks. Toilet in the corner, and a sink. Sign where I've reminded you to always wash your hands or you'll lose 'em – hygiene's important! You don't wanna get rats. Though I gotta admit, that one time we had rats and I did that variation on the copper bowl torture on that doctor, that was pretty hilarious. You ever heard of the copper bowl torture? Nasty little bit of comedy really…"
"Joker, since we are forced to share this space, I'm going to refrain from my usual tactic of shutting you up, which is beating you senseless," said Batman suddenly. "But if you keep talking, I'm not sure how well I'll be able to restrain myself in my current frame of mind. Since we're going to be roommates, why don't you just try to give me space and silence, or I swear I'll make you."
"No problemo, roomie…" began Joker, reaching out to pat him again, but Batman seized his hand.
"And stop touching me," he growled. "I have a thing about personal space."
He sat down on the bottom bunk, staring at the floor and trying to arrange his thoughts. He needed to break out of here as quickly as possible, not only for his own safety, but in order to stop Ra's al Ghul from continuing his crusade of terror. He needed to consider this logically, and figure out how…
"You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mister In-Between. You've got to spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum, have faith or pandemonium, liable to walk upon the scene…"
"Stop singing," snapped Batman, glaring up at Joker.
"Oh right, sorry, roomie!" chuckled Joker. "I forgot you wanted silence."
He kept humming. "Stop humming," growled Batman.
"Oh, you mean like total silence? Sorry, Bats, I misunderstood. I'll be quiet now."
He kept whistling. Batman stood up, looming over him. "Stop…whistling," he hissed between gritted teeth, raising his fist.
"Was I whistling?" asked Joker, in mock astonishment. "Gee, sorry, Bats, it's one of those unconscious habit things of mine. Can't control it. Like the laughing – sometimes I just burst out laughing for no reason at all, and at all hours of the night. Sorry if I wake you up – it's not intentional. I'm just an uncontrollably happy guy!"
Batman sighed, sitting down again and trying to ignore Joker's laughter. It was not shaping up to be a pleasant stay at Arkham.