Tick tock, tick tock…
Ichigo Kurosaki scowled at sandal hats more commonly referred to as Kisuke Urahara.
Urahara stared back with his typical clam smile.
Tick tock…
Each second seemed like an eternity as the two kept staring at each other.
"Well?" Ichigo blurted out.
"Okay, let's see if I understand correctly," the former captain began. "Nemu shot you with some kind of dart."
"Yes"
"Since then, every girl that comes in contact with you ends up falling madly in love?"
"Exactly"
"And you've been chased around by these girls almost the entire day?"
Ichigo just nodded, sick of having to keep constantly explain the situation.
"And you now want me to get you into Soul Society because?"
"So I can find a cure and then kill that blasted Mayuri."
"Ah, I see." Urahara was silent for a few moments in thought. "My, this is a funny story you've come up with Ichigo" he said with a laugh as he held his fan in front of his face.
Ichigo growled. "It's the truth! So, are you going to let me into Soul Society or not?"
The shopkeeper lowered his fan and looked at him seriously. "Well, you certainly are determined about this Ichigo. But you have to admit, what you are telling me does sound a little farfetched"
"Oh, I don't know about that" a third voice suddenly interrupted.
Ichigo froze in terror on the spot. "Oh god no, not Yoruichi"
The black cat strolled into the room staring at Ichigo like he was a mouse waiting to be pounced on.
"It's been so long since you've come to see me Ichigo. I'm hurt."
Yoruichi let a yawn before stretching. As she did her body began to glow and rise up changing to human form with black cat fur being replaced by smooth chocolate skin. Ichigo immediately covered his face with his hands while Urahara looked over at his female friend.
"Umm Yoruichi, perhaps you should wait until after Ichigo leaves before you do that?"
As her lips formed, Yoruichi smiled sweetly at him. "Kisuke. Why don't you go play with your toys? Ichigo and I have some stuff to discuss alone"
"Okay" Urahara immediately turned and leaned over to Ichigo whispering. "I take it this is what has been happening with all the other girls?" he asked.
Despite keeping his hands in front of his face, Ichigo paused in thought at this. "Actually, she doesn't seem that different then before"
"What?"
"Well this isn't really the first time she has done this" he said referring to Yoruichi's now nude body.
"…" For the first time in a century or perhaps even two, Kisuke Urahara had a completely shocked look on his face.
Exactly two minutes later…
Ichigo gasped in surprise at the large portal in front of him.
"There you are Kurosaki. A direct opening to Soul Society for you. I hope you enjoy your trip"
The shinigami glanced back at Urahara. "But, what about…"
Kisuke accidentally knocked Ichigo into the portal with his cane. "Opps, no time for that. Good luck Ichigo and don't you dare think about coming back here until you get this mess straightened out!"
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"That was the worst display I have ever seen!"
The men of the shinigami Special Forces flinched as their captain yelled at them. Soifon marched back and forth amongst the lined up troops glaring at every signal one of them.
"You were slow, not in perfect unity and most of all incompetent. Do you really expect to be ready for Aizen's forces like this?"
The troops lowered their heads in shame.
Soifon took a deep breath. "Alright then. For our next bit of training, we'll…"
Soifon stood there for a moment not saying anything.
"We'll…"
"Captain?" one of the troops asked concerned.
"It's nothing" Soifon muttered shaking her head a bit. "As I was saying we'll…"
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Shunsui Kyoraku was hard at work as always in the 8th division offices. Which of course meant he was doing nothing but drinking sake and taking naps.
As he took another sip and let out a content sigh, he glanced over at his lieutenant who was actually doing work. "Nanao-chan, why don't you take a break and join me here for a while?"
"…okay"
Shunsui nodded for a moment before nearly spitting up his drink at those words. Coughing a bit he looked over at Nanao Ise. "Did you just say okay?"
Nanao adjusted her glasses and looked back at her captain although it was a distant one.
"Yes," she replied sounding very distracted.
Shunsui felt something was off but felt that it needed to be put to the test.
"Nanao-chan," he started seriously. "I order you to stop what you doing, come to my room, and have wild and passionate love with me"
The captain braced himself of the oncoming hit to the head but none came.
"Sure thing"
Shunsui sat straight up adjusting his pink haori and drowning the last bit of sake. "Something strange is going on here"
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"No…anything but this"
Rangiku Matsumoto face was full of dread, her eyes wide and in shock. Before her was one of the worst monstrosities to ever graze. Hollows or even an Arrancar wouldn't have been as bad as this. But sadly this was not the case. The 10th division lieutenant had no option to but the evil…dreadful…paperwork.
"Oh there's just too much of it" the girl moaned looking at the huge stacks on her desk. "I'll be an old lady by the time I get all these done"
Rangiku's head looked over to the corner of her office where she kept a few spare bottles of sake for emergency purposes. "Hmm, I'm sure the captain would understand if I took just a little break…"
"Matsumoto!"
Rangiku flinched at the sound of her captain's voice from the other room. "Yes captain?"
"Don't even think about leaving until you have all that paperwork done"
"Of course captain. I would never think of doing anything else"
Rangiku sighed before looking back to see if Toshiro was actually looking at her. Seeing that he wasn't, she giggled and reached for her sword pulling it out as silently as possible.
"Growl Haineko" she whispered.
Immediately, the sword dissolved into a fine ash and under its wielder's control moved over the stacks of paper cutting them into tiny shreds.
"Hahaha…the perfect crime"
Toshiro Hitsugaya tapped his foot impatiently as he stood behind his lieutenant watching the destruction of the paperwork. "Matsumoto, what do you think you are doing?" he asked trying to hold his temper in check.
Rangiku stood there not saying anything nor turning around…
"I just asked you a question, Matsumoto"
Still no response.
Toshiro was beyond pissed now as he walked straight up in front of her "Damnit, are you ignoring…"
The small white haired captain stopped and blinked. His well endowed subordinate was still sitting there but looked like she was in some sort of trance. Her eyes were wide and she had a huge smile with a large blush accompanying it. Toshiro waved his hand in front of her a few times and when that didn't work, he tried knocking on her head.
"Matsumoto!" he yelled trying to get her to snap out of it. "Jeez, what the…"
--------
"…hell is wrong with you?" Kenpachi Zaraki grumbled really ticked off.
The source of his irritation was surprisingly Yachiru Kusajishi who was acting very strange. Instead of being her usual sugar fueled happy hyper self, the small girl was now quiet and spending her entire time staring out one of the division headquarters' windows.
"Nothing" the small pink girl said not bothering to look back at Kenpachi.
The response only made Zaraki groan even more. It was a common fact that the 11th division captain disliked thinking of any sort. It took time away from fighting and other acts of violence plus it gave him a headache. Naturally the one exception to this rule of life for him was if the thinking was about violence and fighting. Still right at the moment Yachiru wasn't being Yachiru and there was no one around that he could beat up for answers. Thus no violence was capable of being processed and by logic Kenpachi's thinking had to unfortunately fall in under the non violence category thus leading to a headache.
"Out with it already!" he shouted.
Yachiru finally turned and grinned at the captain. "He's here"
"Who is?"
"Ichigo" she said dreamily
"Ichigo…" Zaraki's brain shifted gears and he suddenly formed a bright sadistic grin. "Perfect. We can finally have that fight!"
Yachiru suddenly began to laugh. "You're silly Ken-chan. You don't need to do that"
"Why not?"
"Because Ichigo is way stronger then you"
"….WHAT!?"
--------
Ichigo groaned as he picked himself up off the ground. At the same time, he thought a heard a loud yell coming from somewhere in the distance.
'Jeez figures that jerk couldn't send me through a portal that let me out in midair. Still…'
Ichigo stood fully up recognizing the familiar tall buildings and stone pathways of Soul Society.
'At least he got me to the right place'
He started moving down the pathway looking around.
"Okay. Which way do I go to get to the 12th division?"
- Wham -
Without warning Ichigo now found himself pinned up against the side of a wall.
"What's your hurry big boy?" Soifon whispered into his ear as she held him in place while looking at him with lust filled eyes.
Surprisingly, the first thing that popped into Ichigo's head this time was not fear. Rather it was a question.
"How the hell did you find me so quickly?"
--------
How indeed.
For that answer let's turn our attention back to one Kisuke Urahara who was musing on the current situation.
'Ichigo's spirit energy has always been quite large compared to every one else. That and the fact that he has no self control over it causes it to leak it out constantly. Whatever was in the dart that Nemu hit him with must have created a chemical reaction with the energy. It is would explain why girls would start becoming attracted to him just by being near him. Still, if that is the case then entering Soul Society might not have been such a good idea. In an area comprised completely of spirit partials, not only should the pheromone effect be that much stronger but it would also then spread out faster to a much larger radius. Hmm…'
Urahara suddenly stopped his thinking as he waved his fan in front of himself and laughed. "Oh well. I'm sure Ichigo is smart enough to figure that out himself. Amway, to more important things. We must protect my store at all costs!"
"Mmmmpphhh"
He glanced down at the bound and gagged Yoruichi by his feet.
"Oh don't worry. I'll bring you some milk in a bit" he said nicely
"They're coming" Jinta yelled from the roof of the shop as off in the distance a large stampede could be heard.
"Ichigo, Ichigo, Ichigo!" the crowd of rabid fan girls chanted as they charged forward.
Standing between them and the entrance was the Urahara Shop appointed guardians. First up was
First up was Tessai: the large, muscular, kido blasting, girly apron wearing store employee.
"Such madness," he remarked gravely, "I haven't seen a mob like this since last year's 50 off sale"
Standing beside him was Chad, silent as ever was his power arm out and ready to strike. And last but not least was Uryu Ishida. The young man was decked out in his typical Quincy outfit, with his bow outstretched as he managed to find a way to recover his Quincy powers for the fifth time.
"Somebody remind me why I'm here again" he muttered.
As the women began to get closer, Chad's eyes suddenly widened in shock. "Ishida! Some of those girls are not wearing any clothes."
The Quincy squinted to get a closer look. "You right. Then there is only one thing we can do."
A brief dramatic pause.
"Quick Sado! To the sewing store!"
And with that Uryu heroically charged off, his Quincy cape blowing in the wind. He practically leapt over the nearby buildings in single bounds on his quest for fabric. Tessai turned and looked at Chad.
"Are you going to follow your friend?"
Chad took a glance at the running Uryu and then took a longer look at the hundred or so barely dressed girls nearly on top of them.
"No"
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"Stupid stupid stupid Kon!"
Ririn fumed. She ranted. She screamed at the top of her lungs as she kicked garbage cans and any other objects out of her way.
"How dare he impersonate Ichigo and steal a kiss from me!" she growled as she marched forward. "I would have beaten the crap out of him even more if he hadn't turned around and ran away!"
Ririn suddenly cam to stop as her legs bumped into something. Looking down she was a little surprised to see Kuroud and Noba lying in the middle of street, both heavily bruised.
"Hey what are you two doing? Get up." she said kicking both of them a couple of times. "You're suppose to be keeping the hussies busy while I get Ichigo all for myself"
Kuroud could only moan in pain there. Noba managed to get a hand up and point a shaking finger behind the mod soul girl before collapsing again.
"What?" Ririn muttered as she turned around and immediately gulped.
Standing in front of her was the Victoria Secret's trio of Rukia, Orihime, and Nemu. The underwear clad girls all smiled at Ririn while simultaneously cracking their knuckles.
"Uh Oh"
"Get her!"
--------
Meanwhile back with Ichigo the chick magnet….
"You smell like Yoruichi" Soifon purred. At the same the time, she called upon the stinger form of her zanpakuto and began using it to cut up Ichigo's shinigami robes making his chest visible.
"Grr…Get off me you crazy woman!" Using all of his strength, Ichigo managed to push Soifon off of him. Immediately he pulled out Zangetsu and pointed it at her.
"Stay back." he threatened. "Don't make use this!"
Soifon smirked at him. "So you want to do some foreplay first? That's fine with me"
Just as Ichigo was quite ready to actually swing the sword…
"Stop it both you!"
The two glanced to the side to se the captain of the 4th division Retsu Unohana staring down both of them.
"Hey, I saw him first" Soifon glared.
"Soifon, please stop. It is obvious that something is affecting and causing you to act in this unusual way" Unohana then turned her attention towards Ichigo. "Ichigo Kurosaki, if you come with me my division we should be able to run some tests and determine a way to stop this."
Ichigo looked ready to follow but then stopped himself. "What kind of tests?" he asked suspiciously.
A small blush formed on Unohana's face. "Well first of all, I would have to do an extensive full body search"
"Ha, I knew it!" Ichigo slowly backed away from the two keeping his sword pointed at them. "You're going have to do better then that to get me!"
And it would have been true had Ichigo bothered to look behind and see the large book coming for his head before it was too late.
Nanao smiled triumphantly with her book in hand as Ichigo fell to the ground unconscious. "Good work ladies," she said to her two fellow captains as more female shinigami appeared and carried the young man away. "Ichigo Kurosaki is now the property of the Shinigami Women's Association"