If/Then (obviously) gives Wicked the If/Then treatment based on whether Elphaba defied gravity or not. Elphie becomes the Grand Vizier, while Faba becomes the Wicked Witch of the West. This story also includes an OC named Lukas (up for a Greg award for Best OC), who is Elphaba's high school friend. He's also a Bear. In this one shot, Elphaba celebrates her twentieth birthday in both realities.

Enjoy!

If/Then – the Divulging Stories of the Witches of Oz

Ain't It Some Surprise

Elphie

"Everything's perfect!" Glinda announced. "Lukas, go get the birthday girl! Eee! I can't wait to see the look on Elphie's face when she sees this!"

"Yes, because it could very well be one of shock and horror that we broke into her apartment," Lukas said dryly. "You know she hates surprises."

Glinda waved him away. "She'll get over it when she finds out that I got her the next book in that boringified series she likes. What did you get her?"

"Oh, what I always get her: another emerald to put on the necklace I gave her back in ninth grade."

"An emerald?" Glinda repeated, skeptical. "Lukas, isn't that kind of …?"

Lukas scoffed. "She doesn't mind. I even call her Emerald sometimes. She likes that."

"Aww! That's sweet. Now seriously, go get Elphie! The guests are starting to get anxious."

Nessa rolled up to them. "Glinda. Problem. I have nowhere to hide. Any suggestions?"

"Elphie's room. It's right down the hall. Lukas, go!"

"Glinda, wait!" Lukas exclaimed. "I can't do this! I'm no good with secrets!"

"You spill, I kill you. Slowly. Pfannee! Don't touch that cake! I'll get it!" And Glinda rushed off to the kitchen.

"I'll … go fetch Elphie," Lukas mumbled to no one.

He found her near the Palace, walking to the lightrail station. "Lukas!" she exclaimed happily. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking to spend some of my mad trash collecting money," he replied. "Come on. You're taking a cab home."

"Lu, you don't have to-…"

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. Now, let's go! And happy birthday, by the way."

"Thanks."

They successfully hailed a cab after being rejected by numerous drivers who apparently did not want to accommodate a green woman and an Animal. In fact, the cabbie they got almost drove off before Elphie grabbed his ear and told him to show a little more respect for the Grand Vizier of Oz. Lukas was impressed by how quickly the driver bowed down to her.

The ride was pretty quiet until Elphie said, "I got a letter from Fiyero today."

"And how is wartime treating the boy?" Lukas asked.

She grinned. "Pretty well. He specifically timed the sending of the letter just so it would arrive on my birthday. He says that the timing of battles has gotten him more in tune with that sort of thing."

"That sounds like a wonderful birthday gift then," Lukas said. "Elphie, do you really think you two can keep this up, this long distance relationship thing? I mean, you're the Grand Vizier and he's fighting an Ozdamned war."

Her smile faded. "I've often wondered that. But I don't know what's going to happen between us, so I just won't be surprised by anything."

When the cab arrived at Elphie's apartment building, Lukas asked, "Mind if I come up and have a drink?" There. That wasn't a lie. He was going to drink at this party.

"Sure. I think I have a brandy lying around somewhere."

When they first entered Elphie's apartment, everything was still. "So," Lukas started nervously. "We drink?"

Elphie nodded. "Yeah. Let me just-…"

"SURPRISE!" Lukas smirked to himself at Elphie's stunned expression as everyone jumped out seemingly from nowhere.

"Happy birthday, Elphie!" Glinda shrieked, rushing over to hug her friend.

"Glin, for Oz sakes, let me breathe!" Elphie said, trying unsuccessfully to get herself free from the blonde's tight embrace. "Did you organize all of this?"

"Yep! And you had no idea, didn't you? I should be a secret agent!"

"Glindy, I don't think secret agents get to wear low cut dresses like that," a woman said, coming up to Glinda. "But luckily, public figures do."

Glinda giggled. "I know. Oh! Milla, this is Elphie! I've told you all about her. Elphie, this is Milla! We met when I was raising money for her law firm."

"Nice to finally meet you," Milla said, shaking Elphie's hand. "Glinda talks about you all the time."

Elphie chuckled. "I'm surprised I haven't heard about you! Tell me, do you by any chance work for Ironish and Cooms? I hear they're a very effective Animal law firm."

"No, I work for Rhonstar and Sons. Criminal law. But we definitely hold Ironish and Cooms in the highest regard." And Elphie could tell she was serious.

"Glinda!" ShenShen exclaimed, running over to them. "The cake is done!"

"Fabulous!" Glinda said excitedly. "Millie, would you be a dear and help put candles on the cake?"

"Sure thing, Glindy."

Glinda was about to go join Milla and ShenShen when she felt someone pull her back. "What is it, Elphie?"

Elphie raised her eyebrows. "'Glindy'? 'Millie'? Tell me more about this Milla girl."

"She's wonderful," Glinda said dreamily. "She's smart, just like you, and she knows everything about the legal system, and she's so sweet but she can be tough when she has to be …"

"Well, congratulotions, Glinda," Elphie said with a smirk. "You've figured out what I've known for almost two years."

Glinda's eyes widened. "You knew?"

"You always tried to hide it, but ever since you and Fiyero broke up, you started looking more at the women in those ridiculous magazines you like than at the men."

"That's true." Glinda smiled provocatively. "And, for a few weeks, I even had a crush on you."

"Oh, sweet Oz!"

"Glinda!" Pfannee called out from the kitchen. "Where are the other candles? We're seven short!"

"In the top cabinet! I'll help you!" And Elphie was suddenly alone in a mass of people celebrating her.

Until Lukas came over. "Elphie!" he said happily. "There you are! You look really pretty, you know? We should be together. Forget your prince-soldier-guy. He's in the Vinkus, where plants dry up and the sun doesn't shine and-…"

"Lukas, you're drunk," Elphie informed him, trying to stop his tirade.

"That doesn't mean I'm wrong," he insisted. "I may not remember this tomorrow, but I'll still agree with it." He leaned in closer to her. "Let's have sex."

"Let's have cake." She craned her neck towards the kitchen. "Glin! Where is that cake?"

"Coming!" Glinda yelled, running out of the kitchen. "Ladies and gentlemen! Attention! I would like to propose a toast – to Elphie, on her wonderfully fabulicous twentieth birthday."

"To Elphie!" everyone chorused, Lukas a bit too enthusiastically, spilling wine all over his fur.

The cake was brought out, illuminated by twenty candles. Elphie slowly made her way over to the dining room table.

"Twenty candles, Elphie, I know how you like candles!" Glinda said excitedly.

"Just blow them out and wish for anything you want!" Nessa encouraged. "This was meant to be! Go on!"

"Elphie?"

Faba

Twenty years old. Faba couldn't quite believe it. She was almost glad that most of Oz didn't know that it was her birthday, otherwise they might have been extra ruthless in pursuing her today. Most of Oz also didn't know that their Wicked Witch of the West was just barely two decades old. Faba couldn't care less.

Lukas was off at the nearby market, buying supplies for the small party he insisted on having. They had invited some of the new friends that they had met since the breakup of the Resistance: Doctor Kellu, and two Deer, Misha and Heled. Doctor Kellu had already arrived, and was making her a shake that he always gave to pregnant women.

"I told you, Doctor Kellu," Faba said tiredly. "I don't need a protein shake. The baby doesn't need a protein shake. The baby is going to be gone within the next month, if all goes as planned."

"Ah, but what if all doesn't go as planned?" Doctor Kellu asked, handing her the shake. "You need to stay healthy. If not for the child's sake, then for yours. Drink up. Consider it a birthday present from me."

Faba rolled her eyes. "Alright." As she sipped on something that tasted like a mix between cabbage juice and squash, there was a knock on the door. "Ah! Misha and Heled! Coming!"

The door opened on two very excited Deer. "Happy birthday, Faba!" Misha said happily.

"Twenty!" Heled exclaimed. "The big 2-0! Time to get our drink on, and forget that old age gets us all in the end!"

Faba chuckled. "I think I'm still a little too young to be having a midlife crisis. But come in!" Misha and Heled galloped inside.

"We got you some chardonnay," Heled said, presenting Faba with the bottle. "Because now, even though the ol' Wiz can still get you for 'opposing' him or whatever, he can't get you anymore for drinking!"

"But I still can!" Doctor Kellu said quickly, snatching the chardonnay. "You do not need to be drinking that at this point in time." He eyed Faba knowingly before going back into the kitchen.

"What's his saga?" Misha asked. "Either he's trying out some new health fad on you, or – sweet Oz!"

Heled shook her head. "You're not, are you, Faba?"

"I am," Faba said grimly.

Immediately, the questions came in rapid succession. "How far along are you?"

"Does Lukas know?"

"Is it Lukas'?"

"Of course it's Lukas'!" Faba said, a bit irritably. "I'm two months along, and Lukas doesn't know. In fact, he'll never know. I'm getting an abortion."

Misha looked confused. "But … Doctor Kellu …"

"Doesn't do abortions, I know. But the Wicked Witch of the West does."

"Oh. Right."

"And I say that," Faba continued, "but what if in ten, twenty years I look back and wish I had had this kid? I would feel awful."

"Well, what do you want?" Misha asked. "Right now, I mean."

"I want the Wizard gone! I want to give this fight everything I have. No more surprises."

"Then, there you go! What's there to think about?" Faba smiled nervously. Misha was right. There was no turning back now.

Suddenly, the door opened again. "Got icing, Doc!" Lukas yelled into the kitchen.

"And here's Lukas!" Heled said cheerfully.

He nodded at them. "Hello, Heled, Misha. And of course my lovely birthday girl. Happy birthday, Faba." He kissed her, making her feel guilty, as his kisses always did these days.

"Thanks, Luk," she said with a smile. "But you really didn't have to go out and get icing. It must've been very-…"

Lukas held up a paw. "Don't you dare say the 'e' word today. It's your birthday! We're living it up! Now, who wants to help decorate the cake?"

"Me!" Heled said enthusiastically. "Come on, Misha!"

A few clock ticks later, Lukas, Misha, Heled, and Doctor Kellu came back into the living room with a still-warm chocolate cake. "One candle, Faba, I know how you hate waste," Lukas said as he set it down in front of her.

"You can do this!" Heled said enthusiastically. "Go on!"

"Faba?"

Elphaba

At twenty, everything changes.

I'm older, but hardly more wise.

And just when you think you're on course,

The sea starts to rise,

And from clear blue skies!

Surprise!

Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! Merry Christmas, merry Lurlinemas, happy holidays, and happy Friday!

Cheers,

Elle Dottore