Chapter Four

Homecoming

I've been crawling on my belly

Clearing out what could've been

I've been wallowing in my own confused

And insecure delusions

-Tool, "46 and 2"

In the end, a monster is just a monster. It can try to hide behind good intentions and carefully constructed excuses, but there was no escaping the truth. It was simply its nature, simply my nature. After all, how could a vile creature who has only ever known evil and sin perform an act of good? The Devil cannot forgive sins or save souls any more than an animal can speak a human tongue or the wind can decide which way it blows. It was a harsh reality, one that I had struggled with and denied to myself countless times over, yet in the face of this... I find myself now too exhausted and out of convincing lies to cover it up with. I could tell myself that I had left her with the best of intentions, by way of granting her a normal life that she would otherwise be barred from by association with me, but no matter how true that was it didn't excuse the fact that I had caused that risk in the first place. My effort to make right did not wash away my selfishness which had started this downward spiral. No, there was no escaping one's nature. I had come to that realization when Rosalie had called to tell me that Bella Swan-the love of my life and the reason for my continued existence-had jumped from a cliff and fallen to her death.

Agonizing pain shot through my chest when I remembered that her bottomless, brown eyes no longer held life in them; that her lips no longer spoke, frowned, or smiled; that her cheeks no longer flushed maddeningly red with embarrassment. I didn't try to turn my thoughts elsewhere or comfort myself with promises of a swift end. I did not deserve such solace and therefore would not seek it. Instead, I tortured myself with the truth of her death, her suicide, and allowed my sister, Alice, to book me a flight to Washington in time for the funeral. Yes, this pain was entirely too much to bear, it clawed at me and threatened to rip me open for the world to view my guilty agony, but I owed her this. Alice was right. Bella would want me there.

Six months and eight days ago, on Bella's birthday, I was shown in graphic detail just how fragile she was and just how numbered her days were when living amongst my family and myself. It was a simple accident, a mere papercut while opening one of her presents, but that was all it took. Jasper couldn't contain himself. I had managed to keep him at bay, but it was almost as if fate had predetermined that that day would be Bella's last and she stumbled into the glass walls of our sitting room hard enough to shatter it and cut her arm open. I could still recall the smell. The intoxicating aroma of Bella's blood flowing free called to me, encouraging me to drink from it. The fact that she had even lived through that night was a testament to Bella's luck moreso than our willpower or morality. Even I couldn't stay in the room with her while Carlisle stitched her up for fear of giving in to the demon inside of me.

It was six months and six days ago that I left Bella. My family had supported my decision, as I was certain they would, and we left. I couldn't continue to endanger Bella's life anymore. As it was, she was on borrowed time every minute she spent near me or one of my siblings. The idea that we could ever coexist without tainting her was absolutely absurd. She was paper mache and we were scissors. There was no reality in which we could closely associate without her getting mutilated. And now, like God was laughing at me, Bella was gone, having taken her own life. Was it because of me? If she had felt even a fraction of the earth-shattering hurt that I did every single day that we were apart, then surely she had decided to take her own life to escape it. My heart screamed pain because now there would be no meeting again; surely anywhere that Bella's beautiful soul would find its final rest would be forbidden for a twisted, vile soul like mine.

Edward, came Alice's mental voice. I didn't look at her but inclined my head imperceptibly to indicate that I could hear her. Although she sat beside me on the flight that was taking us to Washington from San Paolo, Brazil, she preferred to speak silently through my telepathic abilities. Edward, please be reasonable. We don't know what we'll find in Forks.

I didn't answer her, not that she was expecting me to. There was no need to have this argument now. Alice had the ability to see a person's future based on their current decisions, and she could very clearly see my course of action upon leaving Bella's funeral. It was true, I had never planned to outlive Bella long. I had long-since planned to have my life taken at the hands of the Volturi when she had breathed her last and that hadn't changed just because her demise was unprecedented. I would still go to Italy after I had seen her buried; it would not be the audience that I had hoped for, but it would be busy enough. My original plan had revolved around St. Marcus Day, a day when hundreds of thousands of humans would be crowded into one plaza to bear witness to me in broad day light. It was a violation of the Volturi's law that they simply couldn't ignore. Alice had stopped me before I could carry out my plan. I suspected that she meant to stall me, just as she was doing now by telling me that Bella's death wasn't certain. I could sense her lack of confidence in her thoughts. Or perhaps that was discomfort at seeing my intentions upon leaving Washington.

The seatbelt light lit up as the pilot announced that we were preparing to land. Getting a direct flight last-minute from San Paolo to Seattle was an act of God. Even with our enhanced, unnatural charm and near-bottomless wallets, it took the better part of two hours to scrounge a couple of tickets. The next flight wouldn't have been until October, so simply catching another flight was out of the question.

Upon landing, Alice and I grabbed our carry-ons and exited the aircraft. It took all of half an hour to cross the expansive airport and secure a rental car. From there, we made a straight shot to Forks. With gas stops factored in, the trip took us about two hours with Alice driving. She had rented a little yellow Porsche 911 Turbo and had enthused about how badly she wanted to drive it, but I suspected that she really just didn't trust me behind the wheel. She tried to hide her doubts from me, but she still worried that I would lose my nerve and try to return to Italy without attending the funeral. I put up no argument, however, and settled into the passenger seat. I was resigned to seeing this through. For Bella.

Forks was every bit as green and wet as I remembered it to be. As always, the day was clouded and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Familiar buildings passed by the window. I had seen many of them built over the course of the century. In many ways, mostly superficial, it had changed; in character and size, it had not. I had seen many people die here and new ones come in their place, their faces different but their persona the same. Such is the way of small towns, I've found. There is always a new generation with their own culture to contribute, but they are ultimately a mere repeat of the one before. Sometimes, I think that's what Carlisle and Esme like about these little communities so much: One can live here for an eternity and never really feel a change. To find a place as timeless as we were was probably a comfort to them both.

We passed the Newton's Olympic Outfitters. My eyes narrowed at the store, an old habit not yet behind me. Very few people had irritated me quite like Mike Newton had during the first year of my and Bella's relationship. He was an idiotic boy who could never take a hint and was always seeking an opportunity to wedge himself between she and I. Once I had made Bella mine, he had backed into the shadows where he belonged. I wondered if he'd tried to court her again after I left. The thought made my teeth grind.

"Wasn't Mike Newton a friend of Bella's?" Alice asked, as if aware of my train of thought. I grunted in response, still not in much of a mood for speaking. "Why is his car here, then? Wouldn't he be at the funeral home?"

I blinked for a moment and then turned to look over my shoulder and through the back window of the Porsche for a view of the store's parking lot. Undoubtedly there was a familiar Chevy Suburban parked out front. Alice was correct. If Bella had died, Mike would have been there. Unless, of course, the cad was no longer interested now that she was officially off the market. Yet even if that were the case-and even I didn't think that lowly of Mike-he would have felt a social obligation to be seen in attendance. The gossip mill was always looking for new fodder in Forks and it surely would not miss the chance to spread that Mike Newton hadn't gone to give Bella his final regards.

I turned back in my seat once the shop disappeared behind a curve. What could it mean that the boy wasn't at the funeral? Could it possibly mean that-I cut off my thought process there. She was gone. Alice's predictions were never wrong and, if Bella hadn't jumped or was fine, Alice would be able to see Bella's future now. As it was, I could hear Alice trying to look for her and coming up short. Bella was gone and nothing could bring her back. I had to accept that and quit looking for something to the contrary. Perhaps Mike's family needed the money and Mike took over the store while his parents got their visitation in. Likely he would make an appearance later that evening. If this was to be a typical burial, they wouldn't put her in the ground until tomorrow.

"I'm going to swing by Bella's. I want to see if Charlie's there," Alice said. I thought about arguing with her, but found that I didn't have the energy. Besides, the longer we spent looking for nonexistent signs of Bella, the longer I had until I was forced to look upon her lifeless corpse.

It took us all of ten minutes to reach the house that once was Bella's. Just as I had expected, the yard was empty. Charlie was not here and was off at the funeral home, grieving over the untimely death of his only child. I would soon be joining him. What I didn't anticipate was the sudden shooting pain that went ricocheting throughout my body when I looked upon the familiar structure. So many memories resided within this residence. It was here that I once watched Bella sleep, wondering just what about her kept me fixated; it was here that I would pick her up for school only to ask her a thousand questions about her life prior to Forks and her inner most thoughts and desires; it was here that I broke both of our hearts with one terrible lie in order to protect her from the inevitable. If I were capable of crying, my body would have been wracked with bitter sobs as I gazed upon this unassuming, two-story house.

He may be out, Alice thought, her tone implying her doubts once more.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take her false encouragement that didn't sound even remotely plausible, even to her. I couldn't take the lies she kept telling me just to prolong the suffering.

"Alice, Bella is dead!" I growled out, my voice warbling with my pain. "Charlie isn't 'out' and Bella isn't off somewhere else. She's dead! Enough. Bella is gone and I fully intend to follow her immediately after her funeral. There is nothing that you can do or say to keep me from going to Italy. It's over."

A ringing silence followed my short tirade. Alice sat there quietly, both vocally and mentally, staring at the front door of the house as if willing someone to come out and clear this whole tragedy up for us. When no one appeared, I heard her heave a small sigh. It appeared that she, too, was tired of the denial. For some reason, that helped the whirlwind of frustration inside of me to settle. Acceptance truly did make it easier.

"Okay, Edward," Alice said, finally. "Let's go and say our goodbyes."

I sighed deeply, the fight gone from me. My resolve to anger the Volturi into executing me still stood, but I viewed it now with calmness rather than blind passion. I would still go to Rome after we saw her put to rest, but I no longer viewed it quite as irrationally. On the contrary, it was completely rational.

Alice put the car into reverse, preparing to leave this place of sorrow, when she suddenly paused. I was prepared to argue her down yet again, thinking that she'd hesitated only to try once more to make me reconsider. However, her eyes were locked on the rear-view and I now heard the sound of a motor. Looking in the mirror myself, I saw a Volkswagen slowly pulling into the yard behind us. My brow furrowed with confusion. Who could possibly be visiting the Swan residence at a time like this? Forks was too small for someone not to know that Charlie would not be home. Glancing at one another, we nodded and reached for our car doors.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked into the Volkswagen. In the driver's seat, a Native American boy surely of the Quilayute tribe, but in the passenger seat...

I was incapable of moving, so I stood there, rooted to the spot and staring at the girl in the passenger seat. It can't be, I thought to myself, unwilling to allow myself to accept it for fear of being wrong. Yet sure enough, as the two exited their own vehicle, it was.

"B... Bella?" I stammered and the girl looked at me in response.

It was. Dear God, it was Bella! My dead heart flew with relief and joy and the sweet pain of seeing her again. But my eyes were drawn to a purple, scabbed laceration on her brow. Panicked and without another thought, I made a move toward her. Only then did I notice that the Native American boy stood between her and I, flinging his arms out to ward against me as I stepped nearer to her. Unbelievably, Bella cringed into him, as if afraid of me. I couldn't keep the sting from my face as I watched her cower into another man's side. Why would Bella-my Bella-ever be afraid of me? Hurt, yes, but afraid? I would die before I ever let harm come to her, she must know that. So why did she allow this boy to keep us apart and why did she look at me like some sort of... of monster? I could hear Alice's alarm at Bella's reaction as well.

"Bella?" she said cautiously, taking her own step closer. Again, Bella clung to the boy tightly as if anticipating an attack. Alice was hurt as well, but she hid it better than I did. Why is she afraid of us? I heard her ponder. Her nose wrinkled as the breeze picked up, blowing a stench akin to that of a wet dog toward us. He's one of the Quilayute shifters, she realized. I felt her immediately grow suspicious of him. "What did you do to her, dog?"

Suspicious as well, I tuned into the werewolf before me. Sure enough, I caught images of he and his pack running through the woods. Among his memories were plenty of Bella and... Victoria? Victoria had been here, hunting Bella? I could see images of them keeping the red-head at bay, but never catching her. Unfortunately, I couldn't delve much further for the distracting bursts of rage rolling off of him. I watched as he began to tremble and shake violently. Although not closely associated, I knew enough about their kind to know what that meant.

"Get away from him," I told Bella. His control was slipping and it wouldn't be long until he gave way to the beast within. If Bella were in the way when that happened... I couldn't bear to give the thought life. My eyes shifted to her, but she hadn't moved and showed no sign of intending to. I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't listen to me. Surely she was justified in any anger she held toward me, but it wasn't worth her life just to spite me. "Bella, please. He's not in control. You're not safe."

"I'll take my chances, thanks," she replied, her tone frosty.

I was dumbstruck. Bella had never questioned me when it had come to her safety. Now, when she was very much in immediate danger, was when she chose to defy me? Her stubbornness was keeping her from seeking refuge? Anger bubbled up within me, her immaturity working my nerves rapidly.

"Really, Bella! Now is not the time for your stubbornness!" I admonished hotly. "You are not safe near him. He could lose control at any moment!"

Again, she did not move. Instead, she seemed to square off against me, standing on her own instead of hiding behind the boy. Her eyes were hard as she gazed at me and I felt my heart ache for it.

"I believe I said I'll take my chances," she reiterated. I was rendered speechless by her defiance of me. Fortunately, this seemed to soothe her friend and his trembling lessened as a feeling of smug triumph entered his mind.

"You heard her, bloodsuckers," the boy declared, his tone ringing with victory. "Now why don't you go back to wherever the hell you came from? We've got things covered here. And that includes Bella."

As he spoke, his mind grew clearer and easier to read. I searched it, desperately seeking out the root of this madness. What I found I almost couldn't believe. Bella had jumped from that cliff. Within his memories, I saw him watch her plummet, heard her scream as she descended rapidly into the waves below. He'd saved her and she was hospitalized, but she couldn't remember him. Bella had suffered amnesia from the wound I had seen above her left eye. She remembered nothing of me or my family or any of our time together. She hardly remembered Jacob or her own parents. All of this deeply disturbed me, but none so much as what I saw next. This boy, this Jacob, had taken advantage of her lost memories to poison her against me. He had told her lies of how I had attacked her and used her for her blood and she believed him. Not in many decades had I ever wanted to murder someone, to maim and to torture someone so brutally that they begged for death just to make the pain stop. I felt a ripping snarl tear itself from my throat and, before I could stop myself, I lunged at him, intent on taking his pitiful life. Before I could rip his throat out, however, Alice put herself between us and subdued me.

Edward, what are you doing?! she mentally demanded. I could not answer her. My entire focus was set on this Jacob Black and his despicable treachery.

"You son of a bitch!" I snarled at him, my very body on fire with my despise of him. "How dare you?!" I strained against Alice, but she remained firm. It was madness, but I felt that if I could only destroy this loathsome mutt that his spell on Bella would break and that she would return to my arms. In his mind, I could sense that guilt began to seep into him, but it wasn't nearly enough to redeem him in my eyes.

"Like I said, we've got things covered here. Including Bella. Now leave. You no longer have any business here, treaty or no treaty," the bold urchin said. I strained against Alice once more, but it was no use. She would not allow me past her.

"I'm not leaving you to poison her with your delusions," I spat at him. No, I would stay here and I would fight until Bella's memory returned and she remembered the love that we had grown together.

"I won't let you hurt her anymore," Jacob declared, and to him, I knew he believed that he was justified. I could see the broken look in Bella's eyes before the accident, the emptiness in her face that he had witnessed for months after I had left. The only time that she seemed whole to him was after she had awoken in the hospital, her memories wiped clean of me. My heart ached again, realizing the pain that I had put her through. Oh, Bella, I thought, wishing that I had come sooner to take the hurt away."I was there to deal with the aftermath and you weren't, by your own choice. She's better off this way."

No. No, she wasn't. I wouldn't believe that. Not until Bella told me that herself. She was not better this way. She didn't even know who she was, much less what she wanted. She was not better this way, I knew that.

Until she grabbed Jacob's hand and spoke up for herself.

"I'm not yours anymore, Edward," Bella told me angrily. "I made that mistake once. It won't happen again. Not with Jacob here."

I stood there for a moment unable to process her words. All I knew was misery. Never had I ever expected to hear those words come from Bella. Yes, I had sometimes hoped that she would say them to save herself from me, but I had never actually thought she would do so. Until now. I could feel my withered, unbeating heart turn to ash and crumble.

"Is that really what you want?" I asked her, my throat tight with sorrow. Please, Bella. Take it back. Don't say 'yes', I plead silently.

She was silent for a moment, and I dared to hope that she would tell me no.

"Yes," she replied firmly and my entire world shattered as that single word reverberated within my mind. It was, indeed, over. One way or another, I seemed to have lost Bella for good. Surely, when she did regain her memories, she would realize that Jacob was right and that she was better off with him. This was the end and it was entirely my fault.

"Let's go, Alice," I heard myself say from so very far away. Without commanding my body, I felt myself turn and head back to the car.

I sat down heavily and gracelessly into the passenger and a moment later, Alice joined me. She closed the door and started the car. We were silent until we got onto the highway, headed back towards Forks.

"Edward," she said, finally breaking the silence. "What happened back there?"

I stared out of the window, not moving or speaking. I had no intention of doing so. What was the point? Bella was still alive and it would seem that nothing had changed after all. I would, indeed, go to Italy and forsake my life. I could not live in a world where Bella was in love with another man, as small as that might make me.

"Edward!" Alice barked sharply, drawing me out of my thoughts. "What. Happened."

I took a deep breath and let it out. I supposed Alice did have a right to know.

"Bella jumped and sustained a head injury," I replied matter-of-factly. "She lost all recollection of you or I or our family. Jacob has told her that we tried to hunt her and that I pretended to be in love with her get a willing victim out of her."

I heard Alice hiss beside me, her own anger now flaring violently. Oddly enough, I was beyond caring. My insides felt dead, incapable of emotion now.

"And just what do you plan to do about this?" she asked me, her tone implying that she knew my course of action and that it was unacceptable. I again declined to respond. "Edward, you cannot leave Bella clueless in the clutches of a deluded werewolf!"

"He's right, Alice," I replied, humoring her only a little. "She is better off this way. She was shadow of herself after we left, a mere husk. Now, without any memory of me, she's happier. She has a future now, Alice. I won't take that from her. Jacob and his pack can protect her. They've been doing a fine job of keeping Victoria at bay so far. It's only a matter of time before they catch her."

Alice's head whipped to look at me as we careened down the road.

"Victoria?!" she demanded. "Victoria is hunting Bella?"

I could feel her alarm coming off of her in waves. Try to resist as I might, I began to feel a small portion of that myself.

"Let me get this straight, Edward," Alice said scornfully. "You found out that Victoria is hunting Bella and you're just going to run off to Rome to commit suicide?!"

I flinched imperceptibly at her accusation. There was no uncertainty in her mind now; she meant every word coming out of her mouth.

"As I've said, Alice," I said through clenched teeth, turning to glare at her in turn. "The wolves are handling it. She hasn't been able to make it close to Forks because of them."

She scoffed in my face, making my temper rise.

"Do you honestly believe yourself right now?" she demanded of me. "She was James' mate! James was, among other things, a tactician. You don't think that she must have been even slightly useful to him to warrant not only being in his coven but his mate? Edward, for Christ's sake, open your eyes! If Victoria hasn't gotten past the wolves yet, it's only because she's testing their defenses! Eventually, she's going to find a weak spot!"

"They're wolves, Alice!" I shouted at her, defensive now of my reasoning. No one, not even Alice, would accuse me of not trying to take care of Bella. I'd given up too much in the very name of it already. "This is instinct for them. They will keep her safe, much safer than we ever could."

Alice gave a hiss of derision, a look of disgust in her eyes that I'd never seen her give me in all of our time together.

"Yes, Edward," she spat at me, "Whatever could a telepath and a clairvoyant who also happen to be vampires ever do that a ragtag group of puppies new to hunting our kind could?!"

I immediately grew silent. Outside, it had begun to rain once more, the windshield becoming spotted and flecked with water. Ludicrous, I thought to myself. That was what my behavior was right now. I was so caught up in the throes of rejection that I had all but written off Bella to any danger that may come, content to leave her in the care of a boy who-up until a few weeks ago-didn't even know that we really existed. What was the matter with me? How could I have almost left Bella to that kind of fate? What kind of monster was I?

Bella deserves better than this, Edward, Alice thought to me.

Of course. She was right. Whether that meant going to watch her be buried or fighting off a grieving, demented vampire so that she could live happily ever after with someone else, Bella did deserve better. After all, if it hadn't been for me, she never would have even met Victoria or James and this would not be happening to her now. I sighed again, although the gesture did nothing for me physiologically. When I could finally meet Alice's eyes once more, I was composed and clear-headed.

"We call Carlisle. If we want to stop Victoria, it will require all of us."