Chapter 4 - Two years

Marshall sat at his desk, unable to concentrate, smarting from the words Epps had tossed back at him. Maybe you're the one who needs to stop thinking what you're thinking.He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. It had made him feel possessive when he saw Epps checking out Mary. Possessive and angry. She was his, no one should look at her like that. Except maybe you? His jaw had clenched, his whole body tightened. He literally couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth. He had to put out a warning to Epps, let him know she was off limits. And Epps had seen clear through him and called him on it. It was totally unreasonable of course. He had no more claim on Mary than Epps did. Mary didn't think of him like that. And just when had he started thinking of Mary like that? He took a deep breath, slowly unclenching his fists.

Epps was right. He shouldn't be thinking of Mary like that. You're going to make yourself crazy. After two years of partnership, Mary had finally come to trust him as a friend, enjoyed doing things with him on occasion. He treasured those times when she was with him off the job, when she was relaxed, when she would grant him a quick peek into her soul. It had been so hard won, those dribs and drabs he had gleaned of her life. Each tiny glimpse helped him to understand her, to add another piece to the puzzle that was Mary. The level of trust he had had to build with her, to get her to open up...

He felt she would consider him as a friend, a good friend even. Did she ever consider anything else? She slept with other men when it suited her. He knew she did. He tried not to let that bother him. It's not like he never enjoyed the company of a woman. But it had been a long time. Not since he had become aware of just how deep his feelings for Mary were becoming. Other women held little interest for him now. He had no claim on her. But it did bother him. He didn't think those men treated her like she should be treated. They were just using her. Of course, she was using them too. She deserved so much better than that. He would never use her. She deserved to be valued as a whole person, not just a hot body. She deserved to be respected. She deserved to be treasured. He would treasure her.

He cringed as he admitted to himself that he was waiting for her. When was the last time he had even had a date? He didn't sleep with anyone without a deep emotional connection. He had never even once had a one night stand. He had relationships. He wanted a relationship with her. The emotional connection was already there, on his side at least. He knew Mary had a much more extensive experience than he did. But he had learned things over the years. He had learned about listening, had learned about consideration, had learned about gentleness, had learned about giving. He had learned about loving. She just might be surprised by him.

***

Marshall left Mary with her head in her arms, stubbornly refusing to return to her waiting mother, and he headed home. He fixed himself supper and sat down on his sofa, feet propped up in the coffee table, to eat. He thought about the morning at Mary's new house and the unexpected appearance of Mrs. Shannon. Marshall considered what Mary had told him about her mother. She had clearly been horrified by her mothers appearance at her new house. To the point of not returning home. Marshall had been curious, had hoped to find another piece to the Mary jigsaw puzzle. He had taken the time to study Mrs. Shannon, failing to find much resemblance between her and her daughter, either physically or in personality.

After his brief introduction to her, he had gingerly probed for more information when they had stopped to eat. Mary had picked at her lunch, avoiding his eyes. Marshall felt a twinge of concern. Mary never didn't eat. She was silent so long, he thought she was going to ignore his question. Finally looking up at him, she compressed her lips, spoke tightly.

"My mother is an alcoholic, she's a leech who never took care of us." Marshall was taken aback at the bitterness in her voice. "She completely fell apart after my father left. I had to step up and take care of things. Make sure Brandi got fed and bathed. Make sure we both got off to school. Make sure the apartment got cleaned. Make sure enough money got squirreled away to pay the rent." She pinned him with hard eyes. "I got transferred to Albuquerque to get away from my mother, to get out from under being responsible for her. Everything I try to get away, just boomerangs and becomes a disaster. I'm telling you Marshall, I will never get rid of her. Never get away from tracking her down when she goes missing, calling the hospitals, the PDs, the bars. Never get away from her drunk rages, her tearful apologies."

Marshall was uncertain how to respond. Such private revelations. She had never given so much of herself away to him before. It was a precious gift of trust she was giving him. He felt as if his heart had been torn open by her pain and he was bleeding for her.

She slumped, all the vibrancy gone out of her. "I want my own life Marshall. And I can never have it with my mother like a millstone around my neck." She stared into her iced tea, her body rigid. "Never ending series of evictions, utility cut offs, arrests, new schools, men. Revolving door of men. I was only twelve when my mothers boyfriends started looking at me. So I had to deal with that on top of everything else. No wonder I'm so screwed up."

Marshall felt a cold tendril of horror start to curl up in his stomach. Mary looked over at him, took in his expression and favored him with a sour smile. "Not to worry Marshall. None of them hurt me. One managed to get his hand on my ass. He walked funny for a week after that. You think I didn't know how to kick ass by the time I was twelve?" Implying that attempts were made. Attempts to hurt her. He swallowed hard, pushed down that hot surge of anger he felt when anyone hurt his Mary.

He reached over and took her hand, gave it a gentle squeeze. Hoped she would understand what he was trying to convey...I'm here for you. He wanted to tell her he was willing to share the burden of her mother, wanted her to let him comfort her, wanted to put his arms around her. Wanted her to know he would let his heart ache if it would relieve some of the ache she carried in hers.

Mary shifted her hand under his, turning her palm up to clasp his warm fingers, allowed him to keep his loose hold on her. "The only reason she's here is she must be out of money. I guarantee she will not, as claimed, help me with the unpacking. She never did. I packed up our apartments from the time I was nine years old." She caught her lower lip with her teeth and Marshall thought his heart would break. She had no one growing up, no one to take care of her, no one to protect her, no one to love her. And now she wouldn't allow anyone to take any those roles. She kept everyone at arms length. He bit his own lip as he acknowledged to himself that he wanted all those roles – caretaker, protector and lover.

Mary smiled sadly and glanced at him diffidently. "I guess I have my mother to thank for meeting you though. I never would have come to Albuquerque if not because of her." Marshall felt a small flame of warmth spread through the chill that was collecting in his gut.

"Tell me what you need," he said in a gentle voice. She looked up at him, turbulent green eyes looking into his concerned blue ones. She held his gaze so long, he began to wonder if she was looking right through him. There was something in her eyes he couldn't put his finger on. She cocked her head to one side, gauging him. Finally she chuckled, dropped her eyes back down to the table.

"How about a one way ticket to Jersey?"