It's me. I'm alive. I failed, like always. I woke up in the hospital room,white walls, white floor, everything was white. The smell was medicinal and overpowering. It took me a moment to realise why I was in this white room, at first I thought I was dead, that this was heaven; but then I remembered the overdose, why didn't it work?
I heard footsteps outside, and I tried to focus on the sound. The door swung open and Peej appeared, I wasn't expecting to seem him. His eyes lit up when he saw I was awake, I tried to force a smile but I just looked like I was in pain. He noticed, 'Phil! Are you ok? Do you want me to get a doctor or something?!' he had said to me in a panicked voice. I mumbled back an 'I'm fine, PJ.' and had gestured for him to sit in the chair beside my bed.
He talked, about school, about Chris, not even bothering to ask whether I was ok. When he stopped for a breath, I asked him why I was still alive. 'You sent a text to Dan saying goodbye,' he told me, 'he got worried, ran over to your house and called an ambulance when he found you on the floor. He thought you were dead, we all did. He found this on your floor,' Peej handed over my diary, shit. Had he read it? I'll look for clues later.
'I wish I was dead, PJ.' I confessed,
'No you don't Phil! You want to be saved, we all do. You just fell deeper, all of us care about you so much and we can't believe you didn't see that!'
A tear rolled down my cheek, he didn't understand. I do want to be dead, more than anything. The stuff I would have killed for can't even save me now, it's too late.