Dear Diary,
Today is Sanada's birthday. I am waiting with no clothes on (yes, no clothes on… well, I have an apron, but still…) the weather is rather cold and I put the heater on max now.
Regarding the major misinterpretation three days ago; it has reached nowhere. I am not pregnant for sure—the craving was just because tomato price was cheap and in season that week; and I felt dizzy because I didn't dry my hair straight after bath like usual that day. I am a healthy—well, quite healthy—male. Male and male wouldn't have children even if they want to… it's just sad. Sometimes I wonder how fair live is. Why cant two people who really, really love each other couldn't have a souvenir from the love they made? Just because we are both male? But that… That's not fair. Who said that two males couldn't provide good growing environment for a child? Who said two male couple couldn't make a child happy? Why we couldn't have offspring?
These things have been going around and around my head. I am in a bad position here. Judging from our position, I am the one who supposed to be carrying the child. So this is more like my fault. I understand this is not my fault, but still, I couldn't help but blaming myself for this matter. Why wasn't I … a woman?
Funny how people can change their mind in matters of days. I used to hate being treated like woman and now I am hoping I am a woman.
From Sanada's eager question I found two things: One, Sanada actually realized that any man would like to have a child one in one stage of their life. Child is like the symbol of a happy perfect core family; I wanted one too. Sanada has been ignoring the fact that we couldn't have one (I think he conveniently blocked his head on that matter), and he is treating me likes I am carrying one other life in my body… and I don't have the heart to wake him up from this crazy fantasy. I just can't. We are reaching his birthday… I don't want him to endure heartbreak during his own birthday. I couldn't crushed that sweet dream… and I am actually happy when he came earlier from work, carrying me like I am a princess to bath; bathing me (!) and bringing back so many things—like new cushions for pregnant ladies' swollen feet and Beethoven CDs. We truly felt like a real family—something impossible for same gender relationship.
The other thing I found was he actually didn't believe me. STUPID SANADA! He still asked me "is it his?" OF COURSE IT IS HIS! I am a faithful spouse, for God's sake! But I couldn't get angry too long. Getting angry over this makes me feel pathetic. I don't even carry his seed; so I have no right to rebut him here.
I am getting sadder and sadder. I kept waking up in the middle of the night due of some stupid nightmares about Sanada decided to leave me for some woman because 'same sex relationship is futile' reason. And the dream always makes me wanted to cry, despite those wonderful arms around me, hugging me tightly.
I am used to being treated like his precious lover, and I don't have the heart to face the truth if someday he did realized that our relationship is all just some funny mistake…
Dear Diary, I am sad. I am scared. I don't know what I should do.
Please tell me what I should do.
Yukimura.
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Yukimura swallowed down. Sanada was frozen on the door. His appearance naked with only apron on has bring out the extreme reaction from Sanada.
"…Sanada? Welcome home?"
Sanada was still frozen, eyes bulged and face really red.
"Sanada… Welcome home? Happy birthday? Come in? please… don't stay there…"
"I…Eh… Yu…WHAT…Sexy… I…do…don't…"
"Sanada, can you speak clearer please?"
"Yukimura… what…'s this?"
"I am thinking of this as a service for your birthday… I do have another present for you, if you don't like this…"
"No! I love… I mean… I like… no! I am not pervert, please believe me… Ah, I…"
"I believe you." Yukimura chuckled. "come on in? It's cold here."
Suddenly Sanada snapped back to his consciousness and straight away covered his lover with his blazer.
"San…Sanada?"
"what are you doing naked only with an apron!? You need to take care of your body, Yukimura! I am going to warm you… your hand so cold!"
"Sanada! Wait!" Yukimura was lifted easily and they went to living room, Sanada gently put him on the sofa, the nearest place to central heater. Sanada pulled another jacket from the cupboard and wrapped Yukimura in it.
"Sanada, listen…"
"Yukimura, I know you want to make me an unforgettable gift for my birthday, and you did give me the shock of my life. In a good way, of course. I have already received the best birthday present ever. You will give me a son this year. It's more than enough." Sanada smiled. He was kneeling down in front of Yukimura, hands both on Yukimura's cold hands, and eyes were starring at the other's purple clear orb. "Thank you. I love you. I really do."
Yukimura wanted to cry. This is too much… Sanada has been giving him so much happiness but he couldn't give it back… and he made up his mind.
"Sanada… please listen."
"yes?"
"please listen to what I am going to say and … decide it yourself, do you understand? I would accept any decision you made."
"Yukimura, what happened?" Sanada sounded worried by now.
"There is no baby, Sanada. There will never be. We are both male; by nature we couldn't have one. I understand if you longed for one; I would like to have one too. I would love to carry your son, Sanada. I do. But please accept the reality. Sanada, we couldn't… have any child. It… is hard for both of us if we continued to play like this… so… I think if you really wanted a child, you can get another woman or marry one. I am fine with that."
Sanada looked hurt.
For a minute he looked through Yukimura's eyes, and his head fell down.
"couldn't we… pretend? Like... maybe until my birthday is over?"
"If we drag this longer it will hurt us more than this, Sanada. I am sorry. I just couldn't… continue this dream."
Sanada looked up, and to Yukimura's surprise (and hurt), Sanada was crying.
"I love you. you know I do… but why can't we have…?" Sanada sobbed. Yukimura held Sanada's head inside his chest. Yukimura softly patted the hair of his lover, who now sobbing inaudibly inside his arms.
"I am sorry, Sanada."
"…" Sanada was busy stopping his tears. Yukimura gently lift Sanada's face so it is in same eye level as him. They stared at each other. Yukimura smiled deeply.
"I love you too. Isn't that enough?"
Sanada sighed. Yukimura smiled and continued.
"We couldn't have a child. But I am actually already happy enough that we could be together just like this. Aren't you happy? Don't you feel satisfied when I'm beside you?"
Sanada looked at his lover misty eyes; Yukimura is in the verge of crying too, but it will be bad if they both cried, so Yukimura was trying his best to not cry. And Sanada realized that. He smiled. "yes."
Yukimura kissed him softly, and they made up a good session in sofa before continuing in the bedroom.
I MADE IT! I MADE IT! I AM THINKING OF HOW I SHOULD MAKE THIS IN THE SHOWER...
AND THANK'S FOR YUKISANA-SAN IDEA! THAT NAKED IS GREAT LOL....
I AM SORRY IF I CONFUSED ANYBODY. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS...
JUST YELL AT ME VIA REVIEW IF YOU THINK THIS CHAPTER ( AND CHAPTER 3) ARE SUCKS. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.