Damn.-patting pockets- I think I lost my sanity. xD Warnings in chapter three applies.
EPWRID story Dedication: To my betareader and left hand woman of darkness, youshallnotpass. You're LMFAOs were funnier to read.:3
Every Planet We Reach Is Dead
Mars
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(A/N Italics are flashbacks!!)
'…' thinking!
"…" talking!
There was a saying that if women were from Venus, then men were from Mars.
Well hell, who was stupid enough to put two species in the same world?
Damn Columbus, and damn Shakespeare—or rather, whoever the hell came up with such a phrase. Damn all those famous bastards! Think they know everything! Apparently no one in this lifetime was smart enough to put men and women apart.
Sesshomaru was starting to think reproduction was a mistake.
Then again, in hindsight, it's better than being in a world full of males.
The silver-haired demon repressed a shudder.
Of course such babble was not the topic of the day.
Oh no, of course not!
We will travel to a time, a place, a moment in which the Great Western Lord of the Dogs of the Moon in the Crescent Sky Palace, Last of the Shiro-Inu, Most Royal Black Blood, Ice Prince of the West and heir to the throne of the Seven Lands and Beyond, Golden-eyed, silver-haired, drop deadly gorgeous wielder of Tokijin and Tensaiga, Sesshomaru Takahashi Antonio Inu no Takashima no Xavier Taisho XXXVII Jr.—made the biggest mistake of his life.
And goddamit, you better say it all right.
In which we shall all look beyond his epic voyage beyond the border of Marshood, and into the midst of the dangerous and oppressive Venuseville.
Accompanied by his fellow brothers' good luck charms, and orchestra theme for his safe journey and in advance funeral—Sesshomaru (all the above) ventured to the memory of the bane of his existence.
START FLASHBACK!!
He should've not closed his eyes while picking the resumé…
No, he should've melted them all with his poison claws, then shred them out with his Tokijin for good measure and shove it on Jakken's mouth, and boot the kappa to Kansas.
Damn it all.
By the way…why the hell was he doing the interviewing again? Other fics didn't do this!? This is travesty!! We're coursing from the main goal of drama, angst, sex, and drugs, dammit!! What kind of fan girl would want to read something logical as interviews between an employee and employer! Our reading rates will go down!! (A/N: I hope not T—T)
Citrine, warm, melting, scorching, devouring, bored, gold, lava eyes stared disdainfully at the resumé before him, and up to the…equally tasteless human waiting patiently for his reply.
"Higurashi," Stare.
"Yes?"
"You are eighteen?" Stare.
"Yes."
"You are young." Stare.
"You can read?"
"Do not speak while I am speaking, human." Glare.
"Right, demon—"
Narrowed glare.
"Tell me about yourself."
"…Dude, you had sex with me last night—Oh! Shoot! I mean bumped-oh crap! I mean met—MET. I'm dyslexic you know and can't tell between the "e's" and—"
"Higurashi—"
"Met." She clasped her hands together and bowed in a monk pose. "After I bumped into your car…and saw you and your girl in the backseat—"
Glare.
…Cough.
"I saw nothing…it was too humid—"
Harder glare.
Fidget.
"Insignificant incidents aside, Higurashi, tell me about our company."
"It's ruled by demons."
"…"
"I mean, you're not fooling anyone with your silver hair and golden eyes ya know, who in their right mind would wanna look like a woman with a penis? I'd be damned if there's one plastic surgeon out there that good, then hell none of us wouldn't look like Michael Jack—"
"Do not babble in my presence, onna."
"But you just—"
Steely glare.
"What? I' swear I'm not trying to be sarcastic!"
"Succinct enough. I am a very busy man, Higurashi, and I do not tolerate stupidity," pointed glare. "Tell me, how will you respond to a problem?"
"…you look like my ex-boyfriend."
Piercing glare.
"I assure you, I will deal with them the best I can, Mr. Taisho."
"Do not call me that."
"Okay then, Sesshomaru—"
"Do not be so informal with me, onna."
"…wha? What am I suppose to call you? Sherburt?"
Withering glare.
"You are not allowed to call me with such disrespect. And any disregard for my words or any disobedience to this Sesshomaru will be met with punishment."
"Yes, this Kagome shall call this Sesshomaru: Sir."
Intensified glare.
"Or…boss…"
"It has come to my attention that you had graduated high school at the age of fifteen, but had consecutive absences. Explain."
"I was sick, sir."
"Of what?"
"Well, you know we're not exactly rich—"
"Noted."
"I'll ignore that. But my great grandfather was a legendary hermit, and we have come through the lines of great mikos—"
"I do not care about your heritage, ningen."
"You sure? I mean I could tell you how Midoriko was my great-great-great times 20 square grandmother and how your father nearly had a baby with her and—"
"I see you suffer from Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder."
"Wrong. I have heart, lung, and testicular cancer."
…
…
"…according to my grandfather—"
It took him time to snap out of the last one, as his jaw clipped back with a sound.
"There is a line between too much information, and needing to know, onna. Practice it well."
"Yes, sir."
"I can see why you graduated early."
"I was a genius."
"No. You were merely…misplaced."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You are not to question me, ningen, understood?"
"Why not?"
Laser beam glare.
"It says in your file that you are…" a fine silver brow raised in question, "A university drop out."
"Lay off."
"Excuse me?"
"It's a lay off. You know, when you get laid off—"
"I know what it means, ningen. And it does not apply in universities, only in work."
"Nuh-uh…" she gave him a 'you-lie' look.
"I will not go through this idiotic argument. Explain to me why you are dropped out from Tokyo University." Sesshomaru was having the urge to rip something and he didn't need the girl to rant about stories. Hell, if this was how the human resources deal with these, they sorely needed a raise.
"And make it short." He gave her a death glare.
"My professor was a pedo. Knocked him with a jab and ended with a cut. Then, I proceeded to blast my working lab station to smithereens, and ended four classmates in the hospital." She strained himself from going any further from the truth.
"Reasonable."
"…you're a heartless man."
"Save it for later, Higurashi."
"…I'm gonna need some sutras…just in case." She mumbled under her breath.
"What was that?"
Glare glare. (A/N: thesaurus my looove! Where art thou?)
"Nothing! I just thought you'd need my miko help anytime, you know. I could blast them with my pure heart miko sparkle, ultra kidou, nin-gen-tai jutsu, venus and sunshine attack, and—"
"Unnecessary." He concluded, this girl was not going to be his secretary. But he just have to ask one thing, that he placed faith on his proverbial window. And when your employer did the hand bridge, head and body lean forward and eyes like a damn beady hawk-- every employee had just one shot to nail and jab after this question.
This would be a huge atom bomb with bright green neon flag waving and sirens screaming like a banshee in your head.
"What makes you think you are suitable for this job, Higurashi?" (A/N: omgawd this happened to me in an interview!)
Kagome inhaled, this was her dream, this was her chance. Even though she'd never really finished high school and never went to a university, but rather spent the whole lot of her time mulling over her love life and thinking about her cat's next kibbles, or her self-ridden fantasy about jumping down wells like Alice in Wonderland and meeting handsome demons with serious reality problems. (A/N: damn you kinky-hooo!!)
She was going to have a normal life, dammit!!
"Well," she started off with a good juju, "You're not exactly my type…"
And down the hammer goes to her thumb.
…
Sesshomaru's eyes tinged on pink.
How dare a female reject him!! Er—at least, wouldn't fall for his gorgeous, Zeus-like marble bod, sexy, deep baritone, octave, sultry voice, his golden, dark-slit, cat-like swirling pools of melted crispy enchiladas! And who wouldn't be proud of his (cen.k+ k+.sored)!?
This woman is an alien!
Realizing her mistake like 3 squared equals 3 squares, Kagome quickly reiterated. "I mean, sure you got the package of tall, dark and handsome…but," her eyes shifted, "You're probably gay."
A brow twitched, claws clicked, and fangs snapped, pink eyes overshadowed with red.
"But wait!" apparently the hammer to the thumb didn't do justice. "Since I know all females within your company and outside the world would have "loved" to be in such a ravishing position as your secretary—"
"Woman—"
"You're not exactly as hot as your dad."
…
…
END FLASHBACK!
Sesshomaru wasn't exactly sure what happened after that, but he was fairly certain that she was the least crazed-stalker-otaku-rabid-human out there.
But he knew he suffered major brain damage that day after he shook her hands and gave specific instructions for her work hours.
Yes, pigs flew that day…in a dozen.
-beep—
It was a feat for him not to smack his head on the desk.
"What is it, Higurashi?"
"I was just thinking…"
"Phenomenal."
"What would you think of me as your mother?"
Click.
…
Bang.
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Oh come on! if Inutaisho got more screentime he'd be the hawttest bishie on the block--er forest and "Inuyasha" (show) would turn to "Inutaisho," with a whole harem of chicks. Trust me, I'd be there.XD
Guuhhh! Stupid bunnies! I'll never have them for pets! I'll get a tazmanian devil next time, at least they don't deceive me with their cuteness…-.- In case any of you haven't noticed, my A/Ns are intended! I think I'll use pet-peeves for the lot of it, heheh. Until next time!:)
…I love reviews…-.-