A steady stream of visitors occupied every waking moment of the next day. Aedan was exhausted. Finally only Wynne and Leliana remained. Wynne had just finishing ushering an exuberant Oghren and chastened Alistair from the room, along with the bottle they'd carried upstairs with them. She paused in front of the couch where Aedan reclined and he looked up at her, a tired smile at the corners of his mouth. "You look as tired as I feel."
She chuckled, "Not the most flattering line I've heard, young man."
Aedan flushed, his smile immediately replaced by a more contrite expression. He cleared his throat, "I…didn't mean to say…"
Wynne leaned forward and patted his hand, "Now, now, I know what you meant. I am weary, Aedan, but you'll not see the last of me quite yet."
Aedan's eyebrows rose in surprise, he could never quite get over the candour with which Wynne regarded her own mortality. He stumbled over his words again, "I…Wynne, you shame me."
"Which was not my purpose, dear boy, but I intend to take your unspoken advice and seek my own rooms. If I can remember where they are," she smiled again at her own weak joke.
Wynne glanced toward the window where Leliana stood. Aedan followed her gaze. Leliana had been uncharacteristically quiet most of the evening and was now leaning against the sill of the window, staring out at the moon.
He looked up again at Wynne's voice, noticing the old mage had moved to the door. "Goodnight you two," she said quietly, with a small wave as she stepped through, closing the door gently behind her.
Stifling a yawn, Aedan let his head flop against the high back of the couch a moment, closing his eyes. He was tired, but only that, simply tired. He no longer felt drained and weak, or disoriented. He felt surprisingly normal. He shook his head gently, what was normal anymore?Opening his eyes he patted the cushion beside him and called to Leliana, "My love, what's on your mind?"
She glanced over at him, the soft moon light shining across her pale face, illuminating her bright eyes. Her face was sad, thoughtful. She stepped toward the couch, but dropped into the chair facing him instead, and drew her knees up under her chin, wrapping her arms about her legs. She looked at him a long moment before clearing her throat quietly to speak.
"You have had many visitors this day."
"That I have, though none whose company I enjoy as much as yours," he said with a quick smile. He could feel her tension and though he didn't know what she was thinking, he wasn't sure he wanted to. He attempted to distract her, "would you stay the night with me tonight?" Suddenly feeling shy, he added, unnecessarily, "You could sleep here."
Besides the close embrace they had shared last night when he'd finally awakened and a few chaste kisses, Leliana had been oddly distant, and he was beginning to suspect her mood had little to do with his injuries. He yearned to hold her again, to feel her soft skin against his own.
Leliana smiled briefly, then her eyes clouded and Aedan felt cold. He felt a creeping over his scalp and knew that what they talked about next would change everything between them. Why now? What was she trying to tell him? He felt sadness well up within him and he looked down at his hands. His skin was all but healed now, still slightly sensitive and he'd have to earn back a few of his callouses, but he was otherwise whole. Who did he have to thank for that; the healers, or Morrigan?
As if she had sensed his thoughts, Leliana said, "You have not asked after Morrigan."
The creeping sensation traveled down his spine, raising goose bumps along his arms and Aedan bit the inside of his cheek to keep from gasping aloud. Before he could speak, Leliana continued.
"She was never found, you know, after the battle. No body, and no one saw her leave. Surely you did not care so little for her that you are not curious as to her fate?"
Aedan glanced up from the intense study of his fingers, curious to see Leliana's expression. She sounded angry, why was she so angry? He knew that though little affection had existed between the two women, they'd developed a grudging respect for one another. Did Leliana suspect…? He'd told no one of the ritual, not even a hint! It had been so hard not to tell Alistair, but deep down he'd been sure the honourable man would disapprove. Even though he'd done it to save the king's life, Maker, to save both their lives it if came to that, he still didn't think Alistair could have lived with the knowledge that Morrigan was carrying a child with the soul of an old god.
Not for the first time, Aedan entertained his doubts. A child, his child. He'd questioned Morrigan endlessly about the child until she'd held up her hands, putting him off with a firm, "Enough!" He'd felt it then and it gripped him again now, the odd longing for this unknown child, his first born, that he'd likely never meet. He felt weak and despised the feeling. Had he compromised his values again, for the sake of his life? What was his life worth? Was even Alistair's life worth this? Yes! It had to be…they hadn't fought this long, this hard, traveling the length and breadth of Ferelden to build an army simply to sacrifice their king, the last of the Thierin blood line to an arch demon! He'd made his choice and now he had to live with it.
Leliana was studying him and though her expression had softened somewhat, her eyes held him still and he knew there was no evading her questions. He shivered and she hopped up from her chair, immediately concerned and grabbed a throw from the back of the couch. Settling it about his shoulders, she sat next to him and asked, "You are so pale and cold, Aedan, do you not feel well?"
He felt a rush of relief at her concern and thought perhaps she could be put off after all. Then he shook his head, to her and at himself. No, he needed to deal with this now or it would haunt him, haunt them. If he lost Leliana now, would it hurt any more or any less than if he lost her later? This he could not fathom and memories of her flooded his mind, taking his breath away as he realized the intensity of his feelings for this woman. He felt the insane urge to grab at his head, his thoughts were sliding again and he could feel his panic building as his feelings for Leliana mingled with his fear as he remembered the dreams prior to his awakening. What could he possibly tell her that she would understand?
"She is gone," he suddenly blurted out, surprising himself as much as Leliana. He turned to look at her and saw the worry in her face, but also the question.
"Gone? Where, how do you know this?"
Aedan drew in a breath and composed himself. He thought a moment, then choosing his words carefully, continued, "We talked, at Redcliffe Castle, the night before we marched to battle." He hesitated here, taking the time to say just enough without revealing the whole awful truth.
"She had a plan…" here he paused and shook himself mentally. He couldn't tell her! He felt simultaneous relief and dread as he realized how close he had come to revealing Grey Warden secrets. He'd found the 'loop in his hole' as Morrigan had so eloquently put it. He couldn't tell Leliana about the ritual without revealing what happened to a Grey Warden who delivered the final blow to an arch demon. Thinking quickly, he started again.
"She had plans for after the battle, she had Flemeth's real grimoire and she planned to study it." His words came faster now and though he despised himself for lying, he couldn't stop. "I think she was afraid any goodwill extended her, as a maleficar, would evaporate once order was restored to Ferelden."
Leliana nodded, slowly, her expression thoughtful. "Yes, I can see that. I understand. I am hurt she did not consider me enough of a friend to say goodbye." She paused here and looked Aedan directly in the eyes, "Obviously she felt differently toward you."
Aedan couldn't help it, he blushed, stammered and then could think of no suitable response. Leliana was smiling at him then, she leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, then drew back and said, "Ah, a little colour becomes you, my Warden."