EXT. REGINA'S PALACE – JOLLY ROGER IS DOCKED.
INT. REGINA'S PALACE - HOOK, TINKERBELL, EMMA and HENRY walk through a hallway carrying lanterns.
HOOK Dim the lights, love.
TINKERBELL Dimming the lights. (She blows out her torch as does EMMA and HENRY)
HOOK Use the pixie dust.
TINKERBELL Using the pixie dust. (throws pixie dust which lights the corridor)
HOOK Pray to God.
TINKERBELL Praying to God.
HENRY Careful. Careful.
EMMA So what are we doing?
TINKERBELL Following the pixie dust. There's gotta be a self-destruct curse somewhere in the deepest bowels of the palace.
The pixie dust glows brighter.
HOOK I think we just found it.
EMMA Where?
HOOK The pixie dust will lead us there.
TINKERBELL There it is. It's right down that way.
HOOK I'm going down there. (walks toward the door)
TINKERBELL He's going down there.
EMMA I'll come.
HOOK Emma, you must stay with Henry. Tink will get you home if I don't come back.
HOOK walks down the corridor, which opens into another one that is better lit. He finally reaches a door that is surrounded by pixie dust and slowly enters. Inside on the far wall is a shelf with a vial in it. A note lies next to it that reads, "To Enact Self Destruct Curse, Break Vial"
HOOK takes the card off the shelf, reads it, and tosses it away. He reaches for the vial.
GRAHAM Not so fast, Hook. (walks in)
HOOK Huntsman. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Aye.
GRAHAM Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Hook.
HOOK What's that, mate?
GRAHAM I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
HOOK What does that make us, exactly?
GRAHAM Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
GRAHAM draws his sword. HOOK does as well.
GRAHAM I see your sword is as big as mine.
Both look at their blades.
HOOK Aye. The better to be felt when I jab… well, you know...
GRAHAM You're all talk, Hook. Let's see how well you can actually handle it.
HOOK Oh, I'll handle it. But I would much prefer to have the lovely Swan do so…
EMMA (O.S.) Hook…!
HOOK Something that you never managed, mate.
GRAHAM runs at HOOK and starts to fight with him. They swipe at each other with their swords. GRAHAM pulls back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the stage crew. He screams and falls off a ledge. HOOK and GRAHAM stop fighting.
GRAHAM Ummm, he did it.
HOOK What?
HOOK swipes at GRAHAM. GRAHAM blocks it. They start fighting again. They swipe at each other and HOOK spins away, but his necklace flies out and it gets caught in the buttons of GRAHAM'S shirt.
HOOK Well this is awkward.
GRAHAM Okay, maybe if I unbutton this a little further we can split apart.
GRAHAM unbuttons his shirt as HOOK tries to untangle his necklace.
GRAHAM Almost have it. There!
GRAHAM and HOOK pull away from each other. Their swords are at their sides. GRAHAM looks up and points his sword at HOOK. HOOK does the same and points his at GRAHAM. They move in closer. Their swords touch ends. HOOK swipes at GRAHAM'S head. Graham sidesteps. He tries again, same. He tries again, same. GRAHAM knocks the sword out of HOOK'S hand and laughs at him. HOOK punches GRAHAM'S face. GRAHAM drops his sword. He charges at HOOK. HOOK holds him back with his hand on GRAHAM'S head. GRAHAM takes swings at HOOK several times. HOOK lets go of GRAHAM. GRAHAM runs into a locker. HOOK goes and retrieves his sword.
GRAHAM So, Hook, the Dark One has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his hand)
HOOK sheaths his sword and goes to shake his hand. GRAHAM takes the sword out of HOOK'S scabbard.
GRAHAM Your sword! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come on. You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the sword back)
HOOK goes up to get the sword back. GRAHAM throws it up onto a high ledge. HOOK tries to reach it but can't.
GRAHAM Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it man.
HOOK glares at GRAHAM.
GRAHAM So, Hook, now you see that I will always triumph because Sensitive Hunter Whose Heart Has Been Stolen is way hotter than One Handed Pirate With A Drinking Problem.
HOOK glances off screen.
HOOK I'm fairly certain that's not the line, mate.
GRAHAM fires an arrow at HOOK. HOOK dodges. GRAHAM tries again. HOOK dodges, spinning away so his coat flares out. GRAHAM tries again. HOOK jumps out of the way and backs into the corner.
GRAHAM Very impressive, pirate. Too bad this isn't Dancing with the Stars.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN'S VOICE Keep trying, Huntsman. You almost had him the last time.
HOOK Bloody hell.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN'S VOICE Ooof.
BELLE'S VOICE (imitating RUMPLE) Use your training, Hook.
HOOK I can't. I lost my sword.
BELLE'S VOICE (O.S. imitating RUMPLE) Forget your sword. You have a hook; use it.
HOOK Ahh. Too right, lass. Uh. I mean, too right, Rumplestiltskin.
GRAHAM Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals on the Jolly Roger.
GRAHAM fires another arrow at HOOK. HOOK knocks it out of the air with his hook and then charges at GRAHAM, slashing down towards the Huntsman's shoulder with his hook. GRAHAM jumps back and falls into the self-destruct vial, casting the curse.
SIDNEY'S VOICE Thank you for casting the self-destruct curse. This palace will self-destruct in three minutes.
HOOK (to GRAHAM) Leave the innuendos to me, crybaby.
HOOK runs out of the room.
INT. REGINA'S PALACE An alarm starts going off. Red lights start flashing. CORA and REGINA react.
CORA What's going on? Where the hell are we, Paris?
SIDNEY'S VOICE Thank you for casting the self-destruct curse. This palace will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
CORA You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
REGINA I can't. It's irreversible.
CORA Like my raincoat.
REGINA (in microphone) Attention. This is your Queen. Evacuate the palace! Evacuate the palace!
Everyone in the palace starts to panic and run like crazy.
REGINA Mother, Mother, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm royalty!
SIDNEY'S VOICE This is your two minute warning. This palace will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
INT. REGINA'S PALACE – A DARK HALLWAY
EMMA What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?
HOOK (runs in) Hey, beautiful. We've got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Let's go!
EXT. PALACE DOCKS - HOOK, EMMA, TINKERBELL and HENRY run out of the palace towards the Jolly Roger. Two troopers come out after them with bows and arrows. They start firing.
ABOARD JOLLY ROGER
HOOK Hold on and get ready to set sail. There's bumpy seas ahead.
TINKERBELL Hurry up, Hook.
HOOK Deploy the Pegasus.
TINKERBELL Deploying the Pegasus.
JOLLY ROGER takes off into the sky.
INT. REGINA'S PALACE - GRAHAM runs to the first escape carriage. CORA follows him. He looks in the first carriage.
GRAHAM Hey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?
FELIX Pan never fails! (laughs)
FELIX whips the reins and the carriage takes off. REGINA walks to another escape carriage. CLAUDE is getting into it.
REGINA Hey, hey, that's my carriage.
CLAUDE Sorry, your majesty, but I don't have the heart to allow you along.
CLAUDE shoves REGINA away from the carriage and takes off. REGINA looks after the carriage.
REGINA No. I'll crush your heart, Claude.
SIDNEY'S VOICE This palace will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to cast the counter curse.
CORA Counter curse? Hurry.
They all run down the hall to the throne room. They run to the wall of shelves which contains many vials.
REGINA Where is it? Where is it?
CORA It must be here.
REGINA pulls a box off one of the shelves. She opens it to reveal a vial and a note. On the note it says, "NEED SAVIOR TO ENACT."
GRAHAM We need the savior?
REGINA What the hell kind of nonsense is that?
SIDNEY'S VOICE This palace will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.
CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM react. They scrunch up together.
SIDNEY'S VOICE Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six...
CORA Six? What happened to seven?
SIDNEY'S VOICE Just kidding.
CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM react.
SIDNEY'S VOICE ...five, four, three, two, one. Have a nice day.
CORA, REGINA, & GRAHAM Thank you.
EXT. REGINA'S PALACE - PALACE explodes. The JOLLY ROGER just clears the blast radius.
EMMA (O.S.) We did it!
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - AIR - EMMA hugs TINKERBELL. HENRY is dancing. HOOK is cheering. EMMA turns to hug HOOK. They lean in to kiss, but they stop.
HOOK We all did it.
INT. JOLLY ROGER - MORNING - HOOK and TINKERBELL are listening to the news on a radio
VOICE ON RADIO ...so I guess you might call that a case of man bites dwarf. (laughs) On a happier note, Peter Pan (famed half-man, half-boy) was banished to Neverland with his life partner Felix after Felix said "Pan Never Fails" one too many times to the Blue Fairy. Evidently, Blue has a particular loathing for obnoxious catch phrases. Coming up, Pongo's review of the new dog park in New London.
TINKERBELL claps and turns off the radio.
TINKERBELL Did you hear that? Pan got banished back to Neverland. Now we don't have to pay him the million gold doubloons. We can keep it for ourselves.
HOOK Yeah.
EXT. PALACE - DAY - JOLLY ROGER is docked outside.
INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY - GRUMPY opens the door to let EMMA, HOOK, TINKERBELL, and HENRY in. EMMA runs to CHARMING.
EMMA Daddy. (hugs Charming) Oh, daddy.
CHARMING Emma, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home and safe.
SNOW And Emma, here's someone else who's happy to see you. SNOW reveals NEAL asleep in a chair. CHARMING hits NEAL. NEAL wakes up.
NEAL Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been?
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - STORYBROOKE - JOLLY ROGER is docked in the Storybrooke harbor.
INT. DINER - STORYBROOKE - RUBY is talking to GRANNY.
HOOK and TINKERBELL walk in. They sit at the bar. RUBY walks towards them. She gives them water.
RUBY (to Tinkerbell) Hi, fairy. (to Hook) Hi, sexy. (to both) What'll you have?
HOOK We only have a few minutes while some repairs are made on my ship, love. What's ready?
RUBY I can give you the soup or the special.
TINKERBELL Ummmmm, I'll have the special.
RUBY Okay. (writes the order)
HOOK I'll have you, darling, every which…
TINKERBELL hits his arm
HOOK I'll have the soup.
RUBY Okay, I have one special and one soup.
RUBY walks away to another table.
Some people are sitting at the other end of the bar. JEFFERSON is sitting with the MARCH HARE and the DOOR MOUSE. MARCH HARE is telling a story. JEFFERSON is eating.
MARCH HARE We were sitting there, just drinking our tea as usual. And then Jefferson began laughing like a mad man. And then he says, "Question, lads: How is a raven like a writing desk?" And we said, "Hatty, nobody knows the answer to that!" And he said, "Poe wrote on both, you dummies!" (laughs) "Poe wrote on both!" (laughs)
JEFFERSON starts to act like he's choking on his food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion.
DOOR MOUSE Is he all right?
MARCH HARE Well, he's not all left.
DOOR MOUSE What's he eaten?
MARCH HARE The very best butter.
JEFFERSON (spits out some of his food) There were crumbs in it!
MARCH HARE and DOOR MOUSE lie him down on the counter. HOOK and TINKERBELL look and react.
MARCH HARE He should not have sat down without being invited.
DOOR MOUSE falls asleep on the counter. MARCH HARE elbows him awake.
DOOR MOUSE I wasn't asleep! Bring him some tea!
JEFFERSON convulses on the counter.
TINKERBELL Waitress! Waitress, what did he order?
RUBY comes over to TINKERBELL. She looks over at JEFFERSON.
RUBY Oh, he had the special.
TINKERBELL The spec... That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.
HOOK Good move, lass.
JEFFERSON begins to shrink.
JEFFERSON Oh, no. Not again.
As JEFFERSON shrinks, he changes as well, into a cartoonish old man with a big nose, blue bowtie and green hat with a card on it that reads "In This Style 10/6". (He has become the MAD HATTER in tiny form) He begins to dance his way across the bar
TINY MAD HATTER A very Merry Unbirthday to you, to you. A very Merry Unbirthday to you, to you..
TINY MAD HATTER dances past HOOK and TINKERBELL. HOOK and TINKERBELL react.
TINY MAD HATTER It's great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do. A very Merry Unbirthday to you!
TINY MAD HATTER goes through doors in the wall. The doors close behind him. HOOK and TINKERBELL stand up.
HOOK and TINKERBELL Check please.
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY The sign outside says, "TODAY, THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS EMMA TO PRINCE NEAL, TAKE TWO."
INT. CHAPEL - DAY - CHARMING and EMMA are standing next to each other. HENRY is behind EMMA. GRUMPY walks in.
GRUMPY Five minutes to magic time.
CHARMING Are you alright, Emma? You look a little flighty.
EMMA Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million gold doubloons and ran.
CHARMING He didn't take the million.
EMMA He didn't?
CHARMING No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight gold doubloons for lunch and tolls.
JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN
TINKERBELL I still can't believe you turned down the gold. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving. Have you got anything to eat?
HOOK Nah. Oh, wait. Belle gave me that fortune cookie. (gets the cookie out of his satchel) Here, love. (hands it to Tinkerbell)
TINKERBELL (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.
HOOK No thanks, darling.
TINKERBELL Okay.
TINKERBELL opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. HOOK and TINKERBELL react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into RUMPLESTILTSKIN. He has gold glittery streams coming out of him. Behind him, Belle is holding his dagger.
TINKERBELL Rumplestiltskin.
HOOK Crocodile…
RUMPLE (in a monotone) Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Pirate, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?
HOOK takes the medallion out of his shirt.
RUMPLE Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
HOOK I'm a prince? Which means...
RUMPLE Which means, if you hurry, you can steal my son's love the same as you did mine.
BELLE Rumple…
HOOK Would you just disappear off my ship, crocodile?
TINKERBELL Bye, Rumplestiltskin. Thanks.
RUMPLE You're welcome. The pirate can go impale himself on his sword for all I care.
BELLE sighs and the vision of them disappears.
HOOK Tink, set a course for Charming's castle.
TINKERBELL You got it… your highness.
HOOK Hang on to your wings, fairy. We're about to break up a wedding.
NEVERLAND JUNGLE - DAY A spire from REGINA'S CASTLE falls toward the jungle. CORA, REGINA, and GRAHAM are screaming. The head crashes by the entrance to Rumplestiltskin's Temple. Rumplestiltskin and Belle are sitting outside the door on lawn chairs, sipping drinks.
RUMPLE Dearie, what are those things coming out of that flying building?
BELLE looks through binoculars.
REGINA Hey, hey, watch my hair.
BELLE stops looking in the binoculars.
BELLE Evil Regals?
RUMPLE Shit, there goes the realm.
INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY - FRIAR TUCK is conducting the wedding ceremony.
FRIAR TUCK Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together (pause) again...
EMMA (to Charming) Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?
CHARMING I didn't think it was important.
FRIAR TUCK May I continue, please?
CHARMING Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
FRIAR TUCK Thank you. ...to join Princess Emma and Prince Contrivance. I'm sorry, I mean... Prince Neal in the bonds of holy matrimony.
EMMA I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?
FRIAR TUCK Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
EMMA I'm sorry.
CHARMING I'm sorry.
NEAL I'm sorry, too.
FRIAR TUCK Don't be sorry, be quiet.
EMMA, CHARMING, & NEAL I'm sorry.
FRIAR TUCK ...to join Princess Emma and Prince Neal in the bonds of holy...
There is a giant crash outside
FRIAR TUCK ...moly.
AUDIENCE reacts.
FRIAR TUCK Matrimony.
EMMA That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
FRIAR TUCK That's it. We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Neal take Princess Emma to be your lawfully wedded wife.
NEAL (yawns) Uh-huh.
FRIAR TUCK (fast) Princess Emma, do you take Prince Neal to be your lawfully wedded husband.
EMMA Uh...well...I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
HOOK and TINKERBELL walk in the doorway behind everybody.
HOOK No, she bloody well doesn't.
FRIAR TUCK What?
ALL react. HOOK and TINKERBELL walk down the aisle. He stops half way.
FRIAR TUCK Who the hell are you?
HOOK Prince Killian.
EMMA Prince?
CHARMING Killian?
HOOK Aye, lass. I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?
EMMA Well, let me think about it. (pushes Neal) Yes.
HOOK walks onto the altar.
FRIAR TUCK I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Tinkerbell) Who are you?
TINKERBELL I'm the best fairy.
FRIAR TUCK What's your name?
TINKERBELL Tink.
FRIAR TUCK Your full name.
TINKERBELL Tinkerbell.
FRIAR TUCK Are the one getting married?
TINKERBELL No.
FRIAR TUCK Then get over there.
TINKERBELL reacts and moves to the left of the altar.
FRIAR TUCK Okay. Here we go, the short-short version. (to Hook) Do you?
HOOK Aye.
FRIAR TUCK Do you?
EMMA Yes.
FRIAR TUCK Good. You're married. Kiss her.
HOOK I love you.
EMMA I know.
HOOK and EMMA kiss. AUDIENCE applauds. TINKERBELL starts to cry.
SNOW Well, (sniff) goodbye, Virgin Alarm.
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN - JOLLY ROGER leaves dock for the open ocean. It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. There is a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, "TRUE LOVE MAGIC NEVER COMES WITH A PRICE."
ROLL MAIN CAST and CREDITS.
THE END