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Title: Secrets That We Share - chapter 3

Rating: T (M overall)

Word count for this part: 3,557

Secrets That We Share

Chapter 3: BREAKING DOWNS

The second day of initiation begins with us hitting boxing bags. Four informs us that the following day we'll be using what we learn today, which sounds to me like we're going to fight each other.

By the time we go to lunch my hands are burning red and my legs feel like someone has hit them repeatedly with a stick, but I don't complain. Last night Peter and his lackeys – Molly and Drew – made fun of me for coming from Abnegation and therefore being weak, and I don't want to prove them right by showing any weakness.

I find that Christina and I, along with Will and Al, have formed a bond in the short time we've been here. I spend every moment with at least one of them and we sit together at meals. Peter, Drew and Molly – all of them from Candor – are inseparable. They're a bunch of cruel teenagers, although Peter is the only one among them who's actually strong. Edward and Myra, a boy and a girl from Erudite, are a couple, and it's pretty much impossible to not see them together.

I see them kissing at lunch, Myra all but sitting in his lap, and avert my eyes. "They should stop kissing in public," I say.

Christina laughs as she shoves chicken in her mouth. "Stop being such a Stiff, Tris. People can kiss each other before they get married. It's actually necessary – imagine getting married and finding out your husband can't kiss. You're screwed for life."

I blush. "I'm not saying they should wait until they're married, just that they shouldn't do it in public." Tobias and I, after all, didn't even touch each other when someone else could see.

Will raises his hand, stopping Christina before she answers. "Are you going to stay on this subject?" he asks with a frown. When she nods he and Al hurry to excuse themselves and leave us alone at the table.

"Look, Tris, you're from Abnegation so you've never had a boyfriend and you don't know the feeling, but I, for example, have had a boyfriend and sometimes I just had to touch him, to kiss him. I couldn't control it."

I don't stop to think before I blurt out, "I did have a boyfriend and I do know the feeling."

It's only when she drops her fork with a shocked look on her face that I understand what I said. "You had a boyfriend?"

"Drop it," I say even though I know there's no way I can get away from her investigation now that I let it slip.

"You had a boyfriend?" she asks again, louder. So loud, in fact, that it makes heads turn in our direction. I notice one particular person – Four, looking at me from his place across the room. I can't decipher what I see on his face – surprise, or amusement, or something else.

"Will you not shout it like that?" I say angrily, but she doesn't seem to be affected by my tone and I sigh. "Yes, I had a boyfriend, okay?"

"No, not okay! You're like changing my entire perception of Abnegation!" She says dramatically, causing me to roll my eyes. "When you say boyfriend, do you mean 'someone-I-used-to-hang-out-with' or 'someone-I-used-to-make-out-with'?"

I glare at her. "Christina, I may come from Abnegation, but I'm not an idiot. I had a boyfriend. You know, one that you kiss and do… other stuff with." I take my tray and put it away, exiting the dining room with Christina right behind me.

"What other stuff?" she asks once we get out of The Pit and walk down the hallway leading to the dorms.

"You know… other stuff." I don't want to bring up the one time we slept together.

"Tris…" she says slowly, as if taking another second to think before she asks, "Are you a virgin?"

I feel my face turning redder. "Yes," I whisper.

"You liar!" she yells. "Sorry," she adds, quieter, when some people in the hallway turn to look at us. "If you're going to lie to a Candor, do it better. I've learned to recognize lies my entire life."

I send her a pleading look. "I don't want to talk about it, Christina."

She shakes her head. "No. You can't just say something like that and then tell me not to ask." I don't answer. "Tris! Come on!"

"I don't want to talk about it!" I say again. My eyes get wet and I curse. I can't cry in the middle of the hallway but I'm close to it. I want to be angry with Tobias. I want to hate him, to forget him, but I can't, and that makes me so annoyed.

She chases me all the way to the bedroom, not stopping her inquisition. I can only be grateful that she keeps her voice quiet now. "Tris, come on, it can't be that bad!"

When we enter the room and I see that we're alone I finally break. Dropping to the floor I let my tears fall and I cry out loud, burying my head in my arms.

"Tris?" Christina asks. Now that I'm crying she's gentle, putting her hand on my shoulder and kneeling next to me. "Tris, what happened to your boyfriend?"

I can't answer. I can't stop crying long enough to speak, my breath quick and uneven and my body shaking.

I cry because I finally started to get over him and suddenly he's here, all around me, dragging me two years back. I cry because even though I can't forgive him, I still love him.

And Christina hugs me. She wraps her arms around me and she sways me a little, whispering quiet words. When I close my eyes I can almost believe that the figure holding me is my mother, telling me everything is okay, calming me down.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to cause this. I'm sorry."

When I finally relax and find it in me to breathe we're late for training. We open the door to the room without a word and I prepare myself for yelling and anger, but Four just tells us to return to the boxing bags. I don't look at him as I walk to mine, but I pass right next to him and I feel his hand wrapping around my wrist for only a moment before he lets go.

~8~

"We were together for a little over a year," I suddenly say, breaking the silence.

I'm sitting with Christina in an empty hallway. I skipped dinner to come here and be alone, and she followed me without a word. When I sat down she took a place next to me and just sat there. Our shoulders touch every once in a while and it makes me feel closer to her.

Somehow during the two days we've known each other I've made a better friend than I ever had in Abnegation.

Christina looks at me when I speak, raising her eyebrows but saying nothing. I thank her for that, for letting me tell her this at my own pace even though I can see the flaming curiosity in her eyes.

"We both didn't like the strictness of the Abnegation rules, didn't feel like we belonged there, and we started hanging out as an act of rebelliousness. We were just hanging out, nothing more." I look at the wall in front of me but all I can see is the first time Tobias and I decided to skip school together. "I was thirteen when we started it," I tell Christina. "We ran into each other in the hallway while I was on my way to class, and when I apologized I saw tears on his face. I don't know what made me go away with him. But I did."

"Is he the same age as we are?"

I shake my head. "He is two years older…" I let my thoughts wander to the moment when he chose Dauntless until Christina's hand on my shoulder brings me back to reality. "I liked him a lot from the start. In the beginning I thought something was wrong with me. I didn't understand why I wanted to be with him all the time, why everything he did made me smile. But one day he kissed me, out of nowhere, and after that, we were together."

"Did anyone know?" she asks gently. Her questions make it easier for me to tell the story, so I don't mind them as much as I thought I would.

"No," I say. "There was no one we could tell. Our parents were not an option, and my brother would just chastise me. Neither one of us really had friends close enough. Deep friendship is something rare in Abnegation.

"So for a long time we went from shy kisses to… more." I feel my face redden when I can't bring myself to say what I want to say.

"Make out sessions?" Christina suggests with a smirk.

I nod. "Yeah, that. I fell in love with him, with the way he made me feel. And he said he loved me. I think he really meant it."

I do believe Tobias meant it every time he had told me he loved me. I could always see it in his eyes when he'd let down all the walls he had built around himself and let me see the real him.

"So what happened?"

"Two days before his Choosing Ceremony we… you know… we did…" But there's no way I can say those words. This part of Abnegation hadn't left me yet.

"You slept with him?" she asks, probably remembering this morning.

I nod. "His father wasn't home until late and he asked me to and I wanted it. I wanted him. I mean… I loved him."

"And then?"

I shake my head as I remember the Choosing Ceremony. I remember squeezing his hand before separating, waiting for him to choose and come back, seeing him leave. I remember how I cried and I realize I'm crying now too.

"He broke up with you?"

I look her in the eyes. "He left Abnegation. He didn't say anything before the ceremony and then he was just… gone."

She hugs me. "I'm so sorry," she says, even though she has nothing to be sorry about. I guess 'I'm sorry' is just the way to say 'I feel sorry for you'. "Where… where did he go?"

"Here," I say. "He chose Dauntless too."

She gasps. "You've met him here? Did he make it through his initiation?"

"Yeah," I answer. "Yes I've met him."

"And?"

"And nothing. I can't forgive him."

"Do you still love him?"

It takes me a long time to finally say "Yes", and when I do I can feel a little pain in my chest. Not physical pain, but the same one I felt when Tobias left, and the one I have cried myself to sleep because of every night since. The one that comes from feeling empty.

~8~

The next day when we enter the training room there is a green board in the middle of it. Four is already there, waiting for us with Eric by his side. "Today you're going to use the skills you gained yesterday by fighting against each other. Your fights during the first stage of initiation will be a major part of your ranking at the end of it.

"There are nine of you, so one will have to sit aside today." His eyes find mine before he turns to the board and uses white chalk to write down our names. Will and Al are to fight first, and as they both step forward I read the rest of the list to find out I'm to sit aside today.

I sigh with relief, but Christina points out that it's not necessarily good for me. I have to agree, knowing that not fighting also means no ranking for now.

Al and Will take their places in front of each other. Al is taller and more muscular but Will is quick, and he uses his speed to avoid Al's punches. For a few minutes they do just that – Al throw his fists in Will's direction and he ducks down or moves aside just in time.

I look at Eric and Four. Four's face is blank, like he doesn't even care about the two teenagers fighting in front of him, but Eric's eyes follow the fight intensely though boredom is written all over him.

"Enough of that!" he finally says. "Stop being a coward and start fighting back!"

I don't think it's fair because Will has a strategy, but I realize he has already gotten what he wanted – Al's breath is quick and heavy, his shoulders moving up and down as he tries to control his breath while Will only smiles.

Al sends his fist again and Will ducks down, but then he makes a mistake and tries to punch Al in the face. Al loses his balance when he tries to hit Will, but his self-preservation reflexes cause him to automatically raise his hand to protect his face, and suddenly he is holding Will's arm in his hand and has control over the fight. It doesn't take him long to get a hold of his other hand as well, and he is too large for Will to manage freeing himself.

"The fights go on until one of the initiates surrenders or cannot fight anymore," Four calls.

Will opens his mouth, probably to say he gives up, but Eric interrupts him. "You don't surrender."

Four glares at him, restraint shown in every part of his body. "The rules dictate that an initiate can admit his defeat once it's clear he cannot win the fight."

Eric shrugs, grinning. "Rules can change. Finish it," he adds, diverting his gaze to Al.

I look away as Al's fist finds Will's jaw. I hear the sound of his body hitting the floor and look at him, seeing him lying and staring at the ceiling.

Al looks at Eric, who nods his approval. His vicious smile makes me sick.

Will looks a little dizzy while Al helps him up and leads him to sit next to the wall. Once again I'm glad I don't need to fight today.

Cristina and Molly take their places facing each other. Molly is taller than Christina, and her arms are muscular. She looks much more intimidating to me, and I bite my lower lip as I watch the two stare at each other.

Two days ago Christina told me she didn't like Molly, and that she told Molly that while they were still in Candor. When I see Molly's hateful eyes, I understand that the feeling is mutual.

"Begin," Four says. His hands are folded over his chest and his dark blue eyes are focused on the two girls. Apparently Eric's new rule made him more serious about the whole thing.

Christina throws the first punch, hitting Molly in the guts, but Molly recovers quickly and hits Christina's jaw hard enough to force her a few steps back. They are even – one of them punches the other, the other immediately returns it.

Unlike the first fight, the two Candor girls fight like they actually want to hurt each other. Their eyes stay locked and every now and then they tease each other with words and insults only they understand.

At some point Al moves to stand next to me. I don't even acknowledge him, which is probably why he chose to stand here.

Molly succeeds in hitting Christina in her left ear, and the slender girl falls to the floor. Her nose is bleeding and her jaw is already red from the first time Molly punched her. When Molly crouches above her, one hand holding both Christina's arms back above her head and the other ready to hit her face, I grab Al's hand.

We look at each other for a moment and I release my grip, clenching my fists.

"You win," Christina says before Molly knocks her out completely. "I give up. You win."

Eric steps forward. "What did you say?" he asks. I hope I imagine the anger in his voice. He crouches next to the girls. "Can you stand?" he asks Christina, but she doesn't answer. "Can you stand?" he screams.

She nods.

"Get up," he tells Molly who's still pinning Christina down. "Follow me."

Four's gaze tells me nothing when I glance at him, but Eric's sudden determined expression scares me more than I'm willing to admit. We all follow him outside the room and down the hallway leading to The Pit. I gasp when I realize we're heading towards the chasm.

Eric stops when he reaches the realm and grabs Christina's arm so strongly his knuckles turn white. She distorts her face in pain but says nothing.

"Did you all hear me when I said you fight until one of you wins?" He doesn't wait for any of us to answer, turning to face the girl he's holding. "You're Christina, right?"

She nods.

"Christina, I don't know what is it you used to do back in Candor –" he spits the word like it is poison "–but here in Dauntless, when a leader tells you to do something, you do it. You understand?"

She nods again.

"I asked: do you understand?!"

Her lips flutter. "Y-yes."

"So why – and I desperately want to know – why did you try to surrender?" He starts off quietly, but by the end of his question he is screaming. For one moment I think to myself Eric screams way too much, but then I see Christina's scared face.

He tells her that if she can hang off the railing for five minutes, he will forgive her both for her disobedience and her lack of courage. She turns about five shades paler before she grabs the metal in her hands.

I can almost feel her terror in my own body as she looks over the banister, into the endless darkness of the chasm. The sound of the river reminds me that if she falls over the edge there will be no net to catch her.

Slowly, never loosening her tight hold on the railing, Christina sends one legs over. When she finds a foothold she takes a few deep breaths, each of her legs on another side of the metal bars, and then brings the other leg over it as well.

"Start."

I can feel a heat at my back. Without even turning my head I know it is Tobias. His hand grasps mine in his, and everyone is so deeply focused on the dark skinned girl struggling in front of our faces that no one pays enough attention to notice.

The touch of his fingers sends waves of heat up my arm. I know I should break the contact with him so I make it clear to him I am serious about not forgiving him, but I cannot deny the fact he helps my anxiety. When I look at the girl who has become my best friend I remember how I used to come to Tobias whenever I was scared. He was my safety-belt, my shelter.

For a minute and a half it seems like she's going to make it. Her arms are steady and her face is serious and focused. But then the first wave hits her back.

She flinches but keeps strong hold at the railing. When the river tries to claim her again she lets out a loud scream. For one terrifying moment her right hand flails in the air before she finds a hold again.

There are two minutes left when she slips. Her head disappears behind the edge of the chasm and I launch forward to try and catch her. Four's hand stops me and I want to slap him, but then I see her fingers are still holding the cold metal, fighting to keep her alive.

I let go of Four's arm and walk over to the railing. Looking down I see her face: crying and twisted in effort. Her arms are shaking, barely holding her weight now.

"There is one minute left, Christina," I tell her. "You can do it."

"Come on Christina! You're almost there!" Will joins me, coming to stand next to me right before Al takes a place with us as well.

When the five minutes are finally over we all reach out our hands for her. Eric starts telling us to let her climb back here on her own, but Four cuts him off. "Let it go, Eric. She did what you asked her to do."

Al has the longest arms and he grabs both Christina's wrists, pulling her up. As soon as she's close enough for Will and I to help we do it. Together we pull our exhausted friend back to solid ground and she drops on her knees.

Christina wraps her slender, trembling arms around me and cries into my shoulder. I hold her, swaying her a little bit and whispering quiet, relaxing words into her ear, just like she did for me yesterday.

I look at Four. He sends a furious glare at Eric, but says nothing as he turns around and leaves The Pit.