Chapter Four – Waning Hopes

Olivia stared blandly out the window. With the sun shining and a brilliant blue sky overhead it was the perfect day to go for a run or walk in the park. A darkness completely unfitting to the day filled her, and she turned away. Going out for a walk was impossible. It was simply too much of a risk. People asked questions and panicked when she went down. The medical bracelet she wore 24/7 with information about her condition and doctor didn't make coping with her disorder in a public setting any easier. It was best to just avoid going out so she didn't need to deal with any of the trouble it caused. Even on a good day Olivia rarely ventured out of her apartment except for appointments with the variety of doctors she saw every week.

Today was far from a good day.

As troublesome as the seizures were, they weren't impacting her life every second. The fear was always there, but she could deal with fear. Constant tremors were so much worse.

Olivia turned away from the window and headed toward the couch. As she passed the end table she grabbed the remote. It should have been a simple task, something she wouldn't have needed to think about before. Now she only managed to get the remote a few inches off the table before she fumbled it. She swore softly as it clattered onto the table and tumbled to the floor.

Olivia stared at the remote in despair. Balance hadn't been a major problem since early in her recovery, but every now and then she ran into trouble. When she was particularly shaky bending down could trigger moments of unbalance and she could find herself unable to stay upright without holding onto something. With how she was feeling today Olivia didn't even want to risk it. Sighing, she left the remote where it was and flopped onto the couch. For a long time she simply stared at the ceiling. There really wasn't much else she could do. She lifted her hands up and watched them shake before letting her arms drop back to her side and closing her eyes.

It's only been an hour since I took them. I can't even take another dose for a few hours. Not that they're helping.

The doctors still hadn't found a combination of drugs to ease the seizures or shaking very much. She was continually assured that it could take time to find the best mix for her especially since everything she was experiencing was the result of a head injury. Even so, Olivia was starting to lose hope.

She'd lost hope in a lot of things recently. During the early part of her recovery when she'd been in the hospital still she'd given her all in every task she was asked to do. No matter how much it hurt or how little progress she'd made she still gave 120%. Sometimes she tried too hard. She had pushed to the point that her doctors had ordered her to slow down. At first she'd honestly thought she could recover completely. A few weeks of rest, some physical therapy, and she'd be good as new except for a bit of soreness. That wasn't the case. She'd finally come to realize that she would never get better.

The sudden piercing ring of her cell phone snapped Olivia back into the present. She rolled slowly upright and stumbled toward the kitchen with a little help from the wall. Usually she kept her cell on her belt just to be safe. So far she'd gotten lucky and had come through her seizures without major injury, but it was better to be careful.

"Benson."

It slipped out before she could really think about it. That was how a cop answered the phone, not a regular person.

"Hey, Liv."

A small smile tugged at Olivia's lips when she heard Casey's voice.

"Checking up on me, Casey?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"I am…"

She froze. I am a detective. Such a simple statement that had seemed so right. But it wasn't right. Her stomach tied itself into a double knot, and she leaned back against the counter. She honestly wasn't sure if she would have stayed standing without it there. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. That one half spoken sentence had placed a vice on her soul.

Casey felt like she had just been punched in the stomach. She couldn't even begin to imagine how much pain Olivia was in, and she had no idea what to say to ease that pain. While she'd experienced the loss of her career, there had still been a light at the end of her tunnel. Once her suspension had ended she'd been able to return, and with a lot of work she'd regained her old position and status again. Olivia would never have that chance.

"Oh, Liv… I don't even…"

"Just don't try," Olivia answered, barely holding it together. "Is there anything else, Casey? I really should go."

There was nothing she needed to do, and no reason why she would have to get off the phone either. Trying to pull together the few shreds of her dignity that were left to continue talking to Casey would be too difficult. Olivia couldn't even be sure she would succeed.

"I'll let you go, but we should do dinner soon. Okay?"

"I don't know, Casey. I'll think about it."

In all likelihood it would never happen.

Casey sighed. She knew Olivia didn't like going out anymore, but it wasn't good for her to be stuck at home alone all the time. Being alone and cut off from all of the people you knew could be depressing, and the last thing Olivia needed was something else to induce depression in her life.

"Alright. Think about it. If going out, even when you aren't alone, is too much, I'll come to your place and do dinner there. Just let me know."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later, Casey."

Olivia ended the call and barely resisted the urge to send the phone flying across the room.

"Stupid. So stupid. When will you get it through your head that you're not a detective anymore? You're not going to be anything anymore."

Just broken.

She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, but paused when she reached the back of her head. Her hair had grown back since the surgeries. While it didn't even reach her chin, it looked normal and hid what was beneath. The bumps and scarring on the back of her head would be a permanent reminder of what had happened.

As if the seizures weren't.