Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama's

Warning: This is a yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect much of the usual comedy from the canon.
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

A tale of how Ryoga Hibiki always got lost to the lies he told to himself.

OOO

This fic is a prequel and a sidestory to Where I end and you begin (The Midnight Cowboy).

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead.

Then, on with the show.

Where I end and you begin

(The Day Tripper)

Acceptance

"Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost!
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
And I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off"
Lost? – Coldplay

…

He was in the woods again, lying on the grass watching the night sky full of stars with his tent aside; his gas lamp making it glow like a yellow bubble among the trees.

A scene he knew so well, but that he was living now in a different perspective.

Before, wilderness and nature were constant reminders of how far he got from his home and from every idea he ever had of happiness and security. And he hated it. He hated to be always away from everyone he ever knew, he hated to be alone, on his own. Then he got angry. Alone and angry.

That's why he used to hate loneliness.

Now that he was there, alone again, he realized how much he missed it.

Yes, he missed the peace of mind the isolation could bring him sometimes. He perceived the missed opportunities le lost while resenting, sulking and suffering for his ever claimed unfairness of life.

But he never really gave a good thought on why he wandered off so easily.

He used to think, like everybody else, that it was from sheer stupidity of his bad sense of direction. It sounded like an easy explanation, but that also made him feel so angry at himself it was barely bearable for him to just be.

Then he blamed other for his misfortunes; his parents who were never there, Ranma… It was easy to blame Ranma, though. Such a jerk, such an inconsiderate towards other people's feels and needs, always letting his ego place himself at the center of the target. Saotome was outrageous and quick on lit up the anger on him… And outraged Ryoga allowed himself to be at him. This outrage led him to China, then Jusenkyo, and to his curse. A life that was never good at first place became even worse. And it was all Ranma's fault!.

"Was it?"

Then there was Akane, the first person to be kind to him even when disguised as her pet pig. A heaven's treasure Ranma didn't deserve and Ryoga coveted for himself. Through his feelings for her, he knew love and infatuation, but he was never able to tell her how much he loved her… It was all Ranma's fault; and he, yet again, was bound to be alone.

"Was he?"

Unless he was with Akari. There, with her he didn't feel alone. She found him, accepted him, loved him, cherished him. Only that would be worth anything she wanted from him in return…

Then why sometimes, even around her, he'd choke on his own misery?

Was it that, then? There was no reason for it, right? He had his love, his life on her side, a beacon that would guide him to his path.

The word then popped into his mind. "Denial", they said to him while explaining, at school, the steps of grief. Back then he didn't give it much, but now it bothered him a bit. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, then moving forward; that's what they said.

Was he wandering away from his path and getting lost because he's living a life stuck in this pattern? Was he the one who's keeping himself from finding his true happiness while drowned in depressive and angered misery? Why was he bound to repeat himself indefinitely in the pattern of denial, anger, bargaining, frustration and depression? Why?

"Blame-shifting. It's always someone's else's fault, even the things that are not."

The answer came, simple and quick, but not less powerful for that. He felt miserable because he kept lying to himself. To make things easier, to shelter away from the pain, to run away from the hurtful truth, to feel loved and accepted. And, in his despair, he got lost. Much worse than before, when he did have a bad sense of direction but could manage to find his path.

All the pieces clicked on his mind: His parents, Ranma, Akane, Akari. Amidst the facts, there were the lies he – himself- carefully constructed to move away from the truth, as painful as it was: The person who fucked his life most was him. No one else.

He was the one who dropped home and school to follow Ranma all the way to China because of a bread feud. Sure, he did throw him on a cursed spring in Jusenkyo, but it was not intentional. And he got to that place through his own footsteps, chasing him to a blood duel, didn't he? And, somehow, Ranma did try to make it up to him, keeping his secret about his curse.

He also was the one who accepted his part as P-chan and kept himself around Akane, begging for scrapes of her attention as a pet. He was the one who never told her how he felt, even if that love was an illusion of his neediness. He was the one who kept doing what he didn't want to do to get to people's affection.

He noticed the veil of tears on his eyes when he blinked slowly, but he didn't mind. It wasn't like he never cried before – God knew he did it quite often, though – but this time he wasn't crying of desperation and anger like before.

What was he crying for, then? He couldn't tell. And more tears marred his cheeks, until his chest was softly rocking by his sobs.

Who's to blame for that?

"No one." – He told himself the truth.

And it felt good. For the first time, crying while being lonely felt good.

In a few days, he journeyed back to his girlfriend's home. On his way, he turned into a piglet by accident, but was able to change back again. He got lost, like alwasy but even so he was able to get back on track.

He didn't despair, didn't drown on misery.

Of course, he still thought life wasn't fair… But it felt okay, after all.

OOO

To the footnotes and author rambled reports:

Here's the other chapter I promised. In one or two days you'll have another one. And, soon, the second one of The Midnight Cowboy.

And yes, there's the heaviest load of headcanon i've ever written, especially about Ryoga's emotional frailty and his directional issues. But it'll help clarify just how he ~could~ get a bit better, anyway.

Human Being, 01/25/2014