Secrets revealed

Ever since their last sonogram, Brian noticed that something about Olivia was off. She'd often completely zone out for long moments and whenever he'd ask her about it, she'd just shrug it off and say it was nothing. He knew better but he also knew not to push. As long as she knew that he'd be there to listen, she'd tell him when she was ready, if there were in fact, something to tell. He waited, but, nothing. The weeks went by, it continued, but she never brought it up.

Early one afternoon, he decided to stop in at the 1-6 to check on her, he entered the squad room and was greeted by Nick.

"Hey, Cassidy, what are you doing here in the middle of the day?"

"Just came to check on Liv, she around?"

"Sleeping. She looked tired so Captain sent her to the cribs to rest."

"I won't wake her then." He paused for a moment. "hey, Amaro, you're around Liv most of the day... you notice anything strange lately?"

"You mean those sad, far-off looks? Yeah. I've noticed. She okay?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out. She say anything?"

"Yeah. That it's nothing and she's fine." Brian smirked.

"Typical Liv. I'm gonna go say hi to Cragen before I go. Have her call me when she wakes up?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks man." He said before heading into Cragen's office.

Late that night, he'd picked her up from work and it happened again on the way home. she just sat there in the car, staring off into space like she was lost somewhere in her own head.

"Liv?" It was like she wasn't there. "Olivia!"

"What?" she answered, suddenly snapping out of it.

"What's goin on with you?"

"Bri, I already told you..."

"it's nothing. Yeah, I know. Except we both know that it's not."

"You worry too much!" she said and turned to stare out the window, which he knew was her way of ending the conversation. You need to tell him! She heard a voice say in her head. It'll only hurt him. She argued back as she continued to stare blankly out the window.

SPRING

By the time April rolled around, at 5 and ½ months, the cute little bump was now a full-blown belly and Olivia loved it! She was astounded at how her body changed as the baby continued growing inside her. What she didn't love, however, was the heartburn that she'd been having lately. Her doctor assured her that this was a normal occurrence in pregnancy and recommended antacids... she was pretty much living on TUMS these days! Her little episodes continued but she had gotten really good at pushing the thoughts out of her mind but the guilt was eating away at her.

Still, she coped with it, deciding that she might as well deal since she couldn't go back and change what she'd done. And she tried her best to go along as if nothing happened.

"It's downright sickening how happy you are!" Amanda told her as they sat getting pedicures. They both had the day off and since Brian was working, She and Rollins decided to have a girl's day out.

"Um... thanks?"

Amanda laughed. "No, I just mean... it's frustrating... not you, it's... can you keep a secret?"

"Can Olivia Benson keep a secret? Hmmm..." Olivia joked.

"There's a guy."

"This guy have a name?" she asked before popping a few TUMS in her mouth.

"I can't tell you that."

"Because?"

"Because, I'm embarrassed."

"Rollins, grow up!"

"It's Nick!"

"Amaro?"

"Yes. Look, I know that I'm wasting my time because I don't think he even notices me!" a thought ran through Olivia's head but instead of speaking it, she simply raised her eyebrows and smiled.

"Hmm"

"You know what would be great?"

"No, but I can just imagine..."

"You guys are close, maybe you could put in a word for me?"

"I don't know about that..."

"Liv, please! ...bein around him in the bullpen every day, I can't focus! All I can think about is him slamming me down on a desk and fu-"

"Okay... Just breathe!"

"I'm sorry... I just... you gotta do this for me!" Amanda begged. Olivia sighed.

"I'll try." Amanda became giddy. "...but no promises!"

"That's all I ask!" She said, unable to keep the smile off her face or out of her voice.

THE NEXT DAY...

"You did WHAT?" Nick yelled as he and Olivia rode up in the elevator on their way to the squad room"

"Shhhhh! Keep your voice down!"

"You told her, you'd hook us up!"

"no, not exactly. What I said was, I'd put in a word, big difference!"

"Liv, you know I hate Blondes! And Rollins... she looks like the poster child for Sweden!" Olivia couldn't help but laugh as he doors opened on their floor and they got off the elevator.

"come on... just, maybe turn on the charm a little?" she asked as they walked towards the squad room. They were now both speaking in hushed tones.

"Liv, I have to work with this woman, I can't be putting out false vibes"

"I'm not asking you to shove your tongue down her throat, just tell her she looks nice once in a while."

"Nick rolled his eyes as they walked through the doors of the squad room. Suddenly, Olivia stopped cold and put her hand to her belly, unsure if what she just felt had been real. She kept her hand pressed to the spot on her belly, and there it was again. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide as she felt her baby kick against her hand. She gasped in complete shock as she looked up at Nick.

"Liv?"

"It kicked!" she exclaimed as she grabbed Nick's hand and put it to her belly, and just that fast, she was gone again, lost somewhere in her thoughts. She didn't notice that her baby kicked twice more for Uncle Nick, nor did she notice the huge smile on his face. When she finally came back a moment later...

"I'm sorry what?"

"Where were you just now?" he asked, worried.

"I... nowhere." She lied, trying to shake it off. "I'm gonna go call Brian." She said and walked away before he had a chance to reply.

TWO MONTHS LATER...

The next couple of months flew by pretty quickly. As they passed, Olivia's guilt only grew and wouldn't leave her alone. Her heart pressed her every day confess to Brian but her head refused, telling her heart to keep quiet in spite of what she knew was the right thing to do. She listened to her head and tried to put it all behind her and revel in the joy that Brian and their unborn child brought to her life, and she'd done a pretty good job at doing just that but then, in May, they'd gotten news from the DA's office and it wasn't good.

Lewis's trial was set to begin early September; just a few weeks after she was scheduled to give birth. She tried to put it out of her mind but with each passing day, her apprehension about having to face her attacker began to consume her; she was terrified! She tried to hide it but everyone could see it. Especially Brian. He knew exactly where this was headed. She wouldn't survive this trial. Facing that monster again would destroy her, it would ruin her emotionally and he knew that he had to do something before she went over the edge.

"How about we go grab lunch at that little Bistro you love so much?" he said as he sat on the edge of her desk. For the last month, she had been primarily on desk duty which he loved because he didn't have to worry her and the baby being harmed at a crime scene. Whenever he could, he would pop in to the 1-6 to check on her.

"I'm not really hungry" she said, staring at the same set of papers she'd been staring at for over an hour.

"Liv, we talked about this. You can't just not eat."

"I'll eat later."

"You'll eat now." no sooner than the words had left his mouth, his phone went off. He quickly read the text message. "Shit! Babe I gotta go, I'll send delivery."

"I-" she started to protest but Nick cut her off

"Don't worry man, I got it." he assured Brian. Olivia turned and glared at him.

"I'm off early today so I'll be here at 6 to take you home." he kissed her quickly on the lips." Love you! Nick, thanks man!" He said and left. Olivia quickly turned to look at Nick again.

"What the hell was that?"

"Come on Liv" Nick said as he approached her desk. "You really want him worrying about you while he's out there?" she sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, Nick was right. She's been a detective long enough to know that it could be disastrous if your focus wasn't where it should be.

"I know" she sighed "I just have a lot on my mind."

"You wanna talk?"

"N really."

"As long as you know I'm here." She forced a smile and nodded.

"Thanks Nick."

"No problem. Now, what do you wanna eat?" she rolled her eyes and smirked as she took the menus from his hand, realizing that she wasn't winning this one.

Outside in the car...

"What the hell were you thinking? I told you, we can't afford to be careless. I was with my wife when that text came in! ...no, just... I'm on my way!" and he ended the call before driving off.

LATER THAT EVENING, BENSIDY APARTMENT.

After making a run to get spicy nachos for Olivia when she developed a sudden craving, Brian entered the apartment to find her on the sofa watching a story about Lewis's impending trial on the news and she was visibly upset.

"Babe?"

"H gonna beat trial!" she said numbly without even turning to look at him "I don't know how but he's gonna beat it!" she cried as she rocked back and forth. He hurried over and turned the television off, then sat beside her, putting his arms protectively around her.

"Liv, don't do his to yourself. The stress isn't good for either of you!"

"I'll never be free of him!"

"Don't talk that way, come on, there is no way he's getting off!"

"I did this. I've been a terrible person and all of this is God punishing me!"

"You don't believe that"

"All these years... what I did to you; I tried to convince myself that I'm still a good person..."

"Liv, stop! I forgave you a long time ago for what happened between us. It's in the past!" she turned to look at him, her eyes wet with tears.

"You can't forgive me for what you don't know." She said to him, the tears were now starting to fall.

"What I don't know? Don't know about what?" she wished that she could take the words back.

"You'll hate me."

"I'd never hate you" she grew quiet for a long moment, looking down at her belly, running her hand over it as if that gesture alone would somehow give her the courage to face what she'd done. He felt sick inside wondering what she had to say and he wasn't so sure that he wanted to hear it. Without taking her eyes from her belly, and tears dropping, she began speaking.

"I...that night..." she wiped the tears that were falling from her nose with the back of her hand. "that night we spent together all those years ago... a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and I had an abortion." He was stunned into a long silence. "Brian?"

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" his voice was full of hurt and anger but when he spoke, he didn't yell, even once, instead, he kept a calm tone.

"I'm sorry." She said barely above a whisper. She still couldn't look at him.

"After 14 years you tell me that you aborted my baby..." he choked back a sob. "...and you're sorry?"

"I -"

"Don't." he got up and grabbed his keys, heading for the door.

"Where are you going"

"I can't be here right now." he said without looking back and walked out the door.

"Brian..." she called as it slammed shut. "FUCK!" she screamed in frustration, while outside in the hall, Brian entered the stairwell. Once the door closed, he paced the landing while rubbing his forehead as tears spilled from his eyes. He stopped pacing and backed himself against a wall, his mind was a complete mess. He ran a hand down his face to wipe his tears but they were just as quickly replaced by new ones. Feeling as though he could no longer stand, he sank down to the floor and, sitting with his back against the wall, rested his elbows on his knees, hung his head into his hands and began sobbing.

12:17am, He'd been in that stairwell for hours, sitting there, against that wall. He had exhausted his tears hours ago but he couldn't move; He just needed... he let out a deep breath, her words had been playing over and over in his head, trying to make it make sense and he couldn't help but think back to all those years ago...

...don't get used to it! She teased as she tied her robe. They'd just had mind-blowing sex and were about to go for another round when her pager went off and she had to go. It was already too late. He'd loved her from the moment he met her but that night, from the second he'd gotten inside her and heard her moan beneath him, he knew that she was his home, even if she couldn't see it, he knew. He wanted more but she was unable to give it and she made a clean break. Only, it wasn't so clean. He'd left a piece of himself behind - a life growing inside her, a life that he never knew existed until tonight, a life that he was now mourning sitting on the floor of a stairwell...he felt his eyes fill with tears again. How could she not tell me? He wondered. I was there! She knew how I felt about her, she had to have known how I would have felt about that baby... Our baby... he stopped himself as he felt his tears flood his face again and suddenly he found himself remembering this past Christmas after they'd just made love and she told him that she was carrying their child. He would never forget the look on her face; her beautiful face that was so full of love for him and their child as she cradled his hand against her stomach. Until that moment, she had been his entire world but the moment those words left her mouth... "Your Baby" suddenly, just that fast, they were his world! He felt a connection to that child, a love for it that he knew he'd die to protect... a connection he was denied fourteen years ago and yet still, with all the hurt and anger he felt at the situation, he couldn't bring himself to be angry with her because regardless of what she'd done, he loved her with every fiber of his entire being, and he knew that he could forgive her anything... even this.

Inside the apartment, Olivia was still awake. Seeing how hurt he'd been, it was like a dagger through her chest because she was the one who'd caused his pain and she couldn't stop crying. She stood there, by the window, in her nightgown and robe. The baby was especially active right now and she rubbed her belly trying to calm it, while she pressed her other hand against her aching back.

"It's okay, little one" she said in the most soothing tone she could muster but, the truth was, she didn't know if she believed her own words. A rogue tear escaped her eye and ran down the side of her face. She thought she was all cried out but apparently not, and she was just about to wipe it away when she heard his key in the door and she turned around just as he stepped inside. Their eyes met and they both froze for a moment before he finally broke the awkward silence.

"Hey." He said. She let out a nervous breath and more tears fell from her eyes. That one word let her know that they were ok.

"Hey." She replied, relieved. Faster than she knew it, she'd made her way across the room and was in his arms sobbing. "I'm so sorry!"

"No, Babe. I was wrong to walk out like that." He said through his own tears.

"It's okay." She cried, squeezing him tighter. "I didn't do what I did to hurt you!"

"I know." He pulled away and cradled her face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away her tears. Please don't cry. I understand that you had your reasons and we need to talk about it, we will talk about it, but not tonight. Tonight I just want to hold you and make love to you... just drown in us. Is that okay?"

She caressed his face, wiping his tears as she did and smiled through her own.

"That's more than okay!" still holding her face in his hands, he leaned in and sweetly kissed her lips. They never broke contact as he scooped her up in his arms, cradling her as his tongue slipped between her lips and the kiss grew hungry...fervent even. He felt her hands in his hair as he carried her to the bedroom and slammed the door behind them with his foot. Before long, they had completely stripped each other and were making passionate love. Later, as she lay sleeping in his arms, he lay awake, turning everything over in his head. They didn't need to talk about it, it was the past and he decided that that's where it should stay - the past. Just seeing how hard it had been for her these past months, it haunted her every day. And he wouldn't partake in making her feel any worse than she already did. They were together, right here, right now because it was meant to be and everything that happened before this point was specifically for the purpose of leading them to where they are. He was a firm believer in destiny and he knew that that's what they were. He gently put his hand to her belly and felt their child moving inside her. Yes, everything was just as it should be and there was no need to dwell on the past.

A FEW WEEKS LATER...

Instead of their usual Wednesday night date night, she and Brian decided to stay home and watch a movie. With Olivia eight and a half months pregnant and the city in the middle of a terrible heat wave, home with the air conditioning was her favorite thing these days.

"Six weeks to go before the two of us become the three of us." Olivia smiled and put her head on his shoulder. "I wonder if there'll be more after this one?"

"What if I can't get pregnant again?"

"Positive thoughts."

"it's more than likely."

"We'll cross that bridge if we come to it." he said. Just then his phone rang and he reached to grab it from the coffee table.

"Cassidy." He answered. "now?" he gave a tired sigh. "yeah, alright." And he ended the call.

"Sorry babe." He kissed her forehead. "I gotta go, Cruz is ready to talk."

"Can't they get someone else take his statement?" she whined as he got up. ever since the news of Lewis's trial, she had become so clingy and she hated it!

"He wants to talk to me. "

"You won't be long, will you?"

"A couple hours tops. You need anything before I go?"

"No" she said rubbing her belly. "we're fine."

"K." he said before kissing her sweetly on the lips. "love you babe!" he said ad kissed her belly before walking out the front door. He hadn't been gone a minute when her phone began ringing. She picked it up and saw that it was Nick.

"Hey Nick."

"Hey, Liv is Brian there with you?"

"No, he got called in. what's goin on?"

"I have news about your trial." She froze. She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing as her heart began beating faster. She knew that facing him in court would be inevitable since he'd survived Nicks bullet AND Fin's vicious attack but still, there was no way she'd ever be ready. Especially not while being pregnant. Her emotions were all over the pl-

"Liv, you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. What about the trial?"

"Liv, it's over!"

"I don't understand, what do you mean?"

"I asked the DA to let me be the one to tell you. He's dead Liv! Another inmate slit his throat..." he continued talking but Olivia didn't hear another word. Her breathing quickened as relief took over and a deluge of tears flooded her eyes and went pouring down her face as she broke into sobs. Nick stopped what he was saying and listened as she cried, his own eyes watering. After a long moment, she finally composed herself enough to speak.

"You're sure?" her voice was shaky.

"I'm staring at his corpse Liv, maybe you shouldn't be alone right now, do you need me to come over?"

"No, I promise. I am so good right now!" she exclaimed as she wiped her eyes. "I feel like I can finally be at peace!"

"If anybody deserves it, it's you!"

Outside, Brian had just pulled out of the parking garage and was driving down the street when his burner phone rang. He took it from the seat beside him and answered it.

"Yeah?"

"It's done." A voice said simply from the other end.

"How can I be sure?"

"I'm lookin at your wife's partner as we speak."

"Good. We're done." He said and hung up. just as the light turned green, his actual phone rang he looked at the screen to see that it was Olivia. He cleared his throat before answering as he continued driving. "hey babe... What? You're kidding!" Olivia was beyond excited as she recounted to him everything that Nick had just told her. He continued driving as they talked, pretending that this was all news to him.

Later as he was driving over the bridge into Brooklyn, he tossed the burner phone into the river. He had no regrets. He was responsible for a man's brutal murder but as far as he was concerned, he'd done the world a favor, but more importantly, once again, he'd given her peace of mind. He did what he had to do to spare his wife from having to face a monster, from having to sit in a courtroom and hang her head as she told dozens of people every sick detail of how he brutalized and humiliated her for four days; every twisted, perverted deviance he'd inflicted. No, he would never allow her to have to relieve those things and for that, he would never be sorry for what he'd done! He thought about how Lewis must have suffered. The look on his face as his throat was being ripped open and he died in a pool of his own blood.

..best served cold, you sick fuck! He thought to himself and smiled as he continued driving.