Somewhere in southern Hyrule, hidden from view and cornered by a mob of bloodthirsty, slavering monsters, Ravio and Sheerow had a heated yet whispered discussion.
"How dare you accuse me of not thinking this plan through! You're just like him, you know that? Since when have I ever had a half-baked plan?" he hissed out of the corner of his mouth at the bird perched on his shoulder, unable to turn his head in the cramped space.
A burst of high-pitched squawking followed.
"Shhhh! Do you want us to die?" Ravio pulled his scarf tighter around his lower face. "What's that? A one-way trip to Hyrule? I had no choice! Princess Hilda will thank me when all this is over, even if she never sees me again..."
The chirping continued, this time at a much lower volume.
"No, Sheerow, don't you dare go get him, I'm perfectly fine here! I can stay hidden in this pile of boulders until they forget about me. It's not a problem!" The winged creature fluttered from his shoulder to his head to the tip of a swaying ear, tweeting softly and reassuringly until he suddenly flew away. "Fuck! Sheerow, come back here!" He made a half-hearted grab at the disappearing bird, then tucked himself more deeply into the crack before he alerted the attention of the monsters prowling nearby. "I thought you were my friend!"
Link came back to a dark and empty house. No sign was left of the business that formerly occupied the space, and no note was left to explain where Ravio had gone. He stalked out the door, resolved to find the merchant and to attempt to hold and complete a conversation with him.
He couldn't have traveled too far, Link thought as he looked around his front garden. Though he shouldn't underestimate him, he was capable of surprising amounts of speed. He searched around the yard, looking for tell-tale footprints, a dropped rupee, or some other clue that hinted in the direction he had fled, but the other man had covered his tracks too well. He was just about to head off randomly when he heard flapping wings and frantic tweeting coming down from the sky. He turned toward the noise and beamed. "Sheerow! Hey there, little guy! I think this is the first time I've been happy to see you coming for me!" The bird hovered in front of Link, a blue and white ball of nervous energy, and performed a complicated aerial dance, punctuated by tweets and squawks.
Link scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you are trying to tell me. Is this Ravio's idea of a good-bye? Did he send you to tell me not to bother finding him? I wish I could understand what you're singing about!"
Sheerow rolled his red eyes and tried again, landing on top of Link's hat after he finished. "That was a really cute dance, but I still don't get it. I'm going to try to find your friend. He skipped out on our talk and I want to set the record straight with him. Do you want to come with me, or maybe show me which way he went?" He was answered by an insistent pecking on the top of his head. "Ow! Ok, I get it now!" he shouted, stifling an urge to swat the bird off his hat. "How about you tap gently on the sides of my head to direct me. And don't poop on my hat, please."
Some time later they arrived at the spot where Ravio was hiding. The boy and the bird stopped by a tree to watch a crowd of assorted monsters milling about in a clearing near the base of a crumbling hillside. Link had never seen such a collection of horrors gathered in one place before. There was a little bit of everything, from rats and crows rustling in the bushes nearby, to soldiers and moblins strutting around in the grass, and he wondered what could have attracted them all. The one thing he didn't see, however, was the merchant. "Sheerow, where's Ravio? Are you sure this is where you left him?" The little bird took off in a high arc to evade the mob and flew to a pile of rubble that was partially covering a shallow cave in the cliff side, tweeting their arrival to the cowering man inside the hollow.
"Now I see why he never wanted to leave the house," Link muttered to himself. "Does this happen wherever he goes?" He reached for his bag while thinking about the tables full of exotic weapons that formerly filled his house, and wondered if he had purchased Ravio's personal armory.
Ravio yanked on his bunny ears and growled at his bird, "Goddesses, this is so embarrassing! I can't believe you brought him here! I don't need a hero to come save me like I'm some damsel in distress!" Sheerow tweeted a disdainful reply and nestled into a loop of his scarf. Despite his complaints, Ravio peeked over a rock to watch the inevitable ass-kicking begin.
The hero readied his bow and aimed at his first target. To begin with, he'd get rid of the little green guys bouncing around the field. They were hardly more than a distraction, but he wouldn't want to trip over one when he was fighting something larger. From the cover of some bushes, he let his arrows fly, and most hit home with deadly accuracy. Unfortunately, one of Yuga's soldiers wandered into the path of his last shot and the arrow clanged against its armor with enough force to make it stagger, grunt, and look around for the perpetrator. "Aww shit," Link yelped and ducked into the bushes, but it was too late. He had been spotted. With a roar, the evil soldier rushed over to his clump of shrubbery, attracting the attention of its fellow foes.
"Ok then, time for Plan B," Link said as he rummaged through his bag. "B for bombs!" He tossed explosive after explosive at the line of soldiers running towards him, stopping only when he felt the magic power that created them ebb and falter. "I'm so glad Ravio never tried to sell me a magic sword! I don't imagine any of these creatures would let me take a time-out to wait for my sword to come back to full strength!" Stepping into the space cleared by the bombs, he drew his sword and looked down at it with fondness. Whatever power had been cast into this blade would never fade, not with time or use or belief. A wave of courage propelled him farther into the field, making his way toward the cliff side and a new round of monsters to defeat.
Ravio's eyes followed Link's every movement as he watched the monsters get cut down one by one. He barreled into a knot of moblins, efficient and so fiercely focused that Ravio's breath caught in his throat. He'd never seen Mr. Hero in action before, only witnessing the aftermath when his adventuring didn't go so well. Link sliced through some octoroks and Ravio clapped his hands in triumph. Mr. Hero reduced some dive-bombing crows to a few stray puffs of feathers and he let out a cheer. The field was now nearly clear of monsters, and he watched Link take a moment to reorient himself. He followed his gaze to a tree that stood near the pile of boulders that was his hiding spot, and mentally approved the choice when he brought out a hook-shot to transport himself rapidly over the ground. He didn't disengage quickly enough and he slammed into the tree, hitting it hard enough to lose his balance. Giggles threatened to erupt from Ravio's mouth, momentarily overwhelming the encroaching terror that he had not been able to admit to Sheerow. True, Mr. Hero wasn't at his most heroic crumpled in a heap at the base of an oak, but he had a dogged determination that was, quite frankly, captivating. Suddenly, he felt delighted that he was valuable enough to be rescued.
Link walked slowly to the hidden cave, shaking his head to clear his mind. There was a ring of like-likes surrounding the pile of rubble, attracted by the sack of rupees the merchant had brought with him. He could see a pair of long purple ears poking over the top of a large rock, followed by an arm frantically waving back and forth. "Hey, Mr. Hero! I'm over here!" came a wavering cry. "Get rid these things fast, before they steal all my money!" He brandished his sword with a wry smile, irritated yet amused in that peculiar way whenever the merchant displayed his priorities. Turning his attention to the large, plant-like creatures in front of him, he began hacking them down one at a time, moving farther away from the cave's entrance. He was so intent on his task and certain that he had cleared the area of all other monsters that he failed to notice the reinforcements coming from out of the trees behind him.
Ravio saw soon enough. He heard a noise that was not Link's typical battle cry, and he scooted out from behind the rubble to investigate. What met his gaze shocked him and rendered him temporarily speechless. A phalanx of soldiers approached from the forest, bristling with weapons and moving with alarming speed. There was quite a bit of rock between him and his otherwise occupied savior, and once he regained his voice, his frightened yelps didn't carry very far. He knew Sheerow would be of no use until after Mr. Hero had been bludgeoned to death, so he did not try to dislodge him from his scarf and rouse him from the nap he was taking. It was up to him, now. "What would I do if I was Mr. Hero?" he thought as he scanned the area. His eyes rested on his rupee sack and he leapt to it, untying it and combing through the jewels with shaking hands before finally pulling out the ice rod. He inched out of his hiding spot and faced the beastly soldiers with a feeling he could not identify. Gripping the magical artifact firmly in his left hand, he froze the monsters with icy blasts just as they came bearing down on the two men. "Check it out! I saved you!" Ravio shouted, pointing at the clump of glittering, immobile foes. "That's gotta be worth something, right? Hey, maybe some of your courage rubbed off on me!"
Link agreed, "It's true, I can hardly believe it, but you did save me!" He looked over to where Ravio, incandescent in his triumph, was performing an impromptu victory dance with the recently awakened Sheerow. "You want me to rub off on you some more?"
He patted Mr. Hero on the shoulder. "Not until those bad guys are dead, thanks. And your witty repartee still needs some work."
"Fine! Stand back and watch this!" Link finished them off with a spin attack. "I always forget that I can do that." He sheathed his sword and grinned at Ravio as he stepped closer to him. "Now it's time to collect your reward!"
Ravio groaned, but was cut off as Link quickly lifted his hood and planted a big smackeroo square on his mouth. He froze at the unexpected action, then relaxed when his hood remained in place and Mr. Hero's eyelids fluttered shut. Link pressed his lips insistently against Ravio's, willing him to feel even a fraction of the emotions coursing through his body, then shifted his head, trailing his lips up Ravio's jawline to whisper in his ear, "This is what I've wanted to do. For ages."
"Oh thank the goddesses," Ravio breathed, and returned the kiss eagerly. They moved together naturally and without conscious thought, like a figure meeting its reflection in a darkened mirror. With his arms wrapped around Link's waist and his thumbs tucked into the back of his belt, the merchant drew his head back reluctantly. "So Mr. Hero, can I stay? I mean, in your house?" he said, slightly breathlessly, hood askew yet still managing to cover most of his face.
"I never want you to leave me again," Link mumbled into the side of his neck, pushing his scarf aside to nuzzle the smooth skin there.
"You drive a hard bargain," Ravio said with a little gasp. A moment passed, as Link increased his attentions on his skin with the barest hint of teeth, "But I think I can accommodate those terms."
Link broke their embrace, stepping back and searching the bunny hood's blank face with flashing eyes, trying to make eye contact. "Let's get home, I'm starving," he said in a tone that was open to interpretation of what precisely he was hungry for, and he pulled him by the hand to begin leading him back across the field.
Stumbling along behind the excited adventurer, Ravio couldn't help blurting out, "Did I ever tell you I'm also a really good cook? I'll fix you up the best meal you've ever eaten, let's say 50 rupees a course-"
Link halted and fixed him with a death glare. "We're not home yet. I can leave you here to fend for yourself again!" He poked the sack on Ravio's back, and the merchant jumped nervously. "How long do you think it will take before something creepy comes sniffing around for your rupees?"
Ravio shrank into his scarf. "Sorry Mr. Hero. Old habits die hard, I guess. What I meant to say was," he grimaced, "free gourmet meals three times a day for my best and favorite customer!"
"Customer, eh? That's what I am to you still?" Link grumped, crossing his arms. A vision of Ravio dressed only in an apron and that damn rabbit hood flitted across his mind, and he considered the pros and cons of living with that arrangement for a while.
Ravio's heart fluttered in his chest, and he twisted his hands together as he said, "I guess we do still need to have that talk, don't we?"
"Less talking, more smooching." Link pushed him up against a tree, one hand reaching to raise his hood and the other latching onto his hip. "I'm more convincing that way."