The Places That You Have Come To Fear The Most
Summary: "The fight-or-flight response, refers to a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically." Karma always ran when she's scared, it was just natural. However, when her running causes Amy's life to hang in the balance, Karma Ashcroft is suddenly faced with the things that scare her the most: falling in love and losing Amy.
Pairing: Amy Raudenfeld/Karma Ashcroft
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: Thanks everyone for all your support with this story so far! This is one of my favorite chapters to write because you can see considerate Karma growth in this chapter. Also, there's some Karmy in here. I am hoping that you guys will be pleased. I certainly am. Also, let's all congratulate ourselves on getting a season two! Let's go, Karmy Army!
Chapter Four
The minutes turned to hours and the hours turned to days, which turned to a week; a whole week of not knowing anything about whether the person that they all loved would live or a die. A week of missed classes, of sleep deprivation, of a lot of lattes and thousands of boxes of tissues as her heart waited by baited breath in her throat. It had been exactly one hundred and sixty eight hours since she last spoke to Amy, the longest the two of them had ever went without communication. One hundred and sixty eight hours since she last heard her sweet voice whisper to her that she was the Lucy to her Ethel and that no matter what happened, they could always curl up and watch House Hunters at the end of the day.
One hundred and sixty eight hours since Karma Ashcroft was last able to look at her best friend and think that the stars and the moon hung within her beautiful swirls. One hundred and sixty eight hours since she last felt complete. It has been the longest time that she has ever spent away from Amy; away from those glistening eyes of hope and forgiveness; away from the one thing that somehow absolutely gives her purpose in her life. Perhaps she never noticed exactly how much purpose Amy Raudenfeld brought to her life until those one hundred and sixty eight hours passed without her.
It had been a long week spent at Austin Memorial Hospital. She had barely slept any, and when she did, her sleep had been filled of nightmares about Amy that left her all swaddled up in Shane's blankets. She had been crashing at Shane's ever since the accident- her house reminded her too much of Amy and the hospital had certainly been no place for sleeping. Shane had been more than excited to oblige to one half of his favorite lesbian couple- but, also, because Shane did not want to be alone with this just as much Karma. They found solace within one another; in corny jokes and fashion tips and longing hugs.
Shane missed Amy and Karma could not breathe without her.
Fuck, did she not know that?
Karma never thought that she would be as close to one of the most popular boys in school as she is. However, it had been Amy's friendly smile and gentle heart that brought Shane into their lives to stay permanently. As it turns out, Amy is constantly changing her life, whether Karma knows about it. This moment, right here, in this Austin hospital as she struggles to find herself, she realizes that Amy has changed her irrevocably. There will never be another Amy Raudenfeld in her life; there will never be another person on the entire face of the planet for as long as she shall live that she could possibly love as much as she loves Amy.
Leaning against the coffee machine in the lounge, she swirls the steaming hot liquid in her Styrofoam cup, her nails pressing into the sides so deeply that she can feel it crumbling beneath her touch. Amy is like that now; she exhales in thought, so breakable that just one poor touch could leave her crumbling. Doctor Avery had done numerous surgeries to fix her internal injuries, which had been much, much worse than anything Karma could have ever imagined. He restructured Amy's hip which had been crushed in the accident; he had mentioned something about how she would have to learn how to walk again. Dr. Avery also mentioned something about she had several blood transfusions, she has coded a handful of times. After a while, all of the medical talk turns to mumbles and Karma just listens to hear the words that Amy is still alive.
"Oh, Karma. I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't know that you were in here," Looking up from the distilled coffee, Karma finds herself looking at a much disheveled Farrah. God, had Farrah even slept since this all happened? Karma could not imagine what she is going through, first she lost her husband and now, she is losing her daughter. Sure, Farrah is uptight, and she might be a little…unevolved, but at the end of the day, Amy had been her daughter, the one thing she had been meant to protect.
"No, no, you can stay, Mrs. Raudenfeld," Karma smiles weakly and Farrah forces back a returning smile before she sits down on the couch with a rather unlady like groan. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Karma is searching for something to say to the woman, something that might remotely make this situation a little bit easier. Perhaps she should tell her the truth, give her the answers as to what Amy had been doing out that night and why she was in such a hurry. Or maybe she should tell her about how perfect her daughter is and how she has done such a good job raising her, even after the death of her husband.
"Farrah," She states bluntly and Karma cannot help but look at her quizzically, to which the woman smiles warmly. Karma could not remember the last time that Farrah actually smiled at her like that, "you should call me Farrah. You're family now. You're my daughter's… well, you know. We shouldn't have to be formal."
It's an olive branch and you had best fucking believe that Karma is going to take it, running. Smiling softly in return to the fragile woman, Karma tucks her shirt downward as she takes a seat beside of her. There is an awkwardness that hangs in the air between them, yet, also, a connection that would bind them for the rest of their lives- Amy.
"Right. Farrah," Karma tilts her head as she says her name, a wide, playful grin on her face, "huh. You know that sounds incredibly weird. Not your name. I just mean saying your name. Well, like that. Because my whole life you've…" But Farrah interrupts her tirade as she gently places her hand on her knee, giving it the most reassuring squeeze.
"I think I owe you an apology, sweetheart." She whispers.
"You owe me an apology? Why?" At this, Farrah sucks in a breath, running her fingers through her hair anxiously. Is she actually nervous? Karma gulps as she studies the woman; the woman who had always managed to seem so strong, so proud, suddenly seemed so weak and helpless. Biting her bottom lip softly, Farrah's eyes dart from the spot on the wall in which she had been staring to study Karma's chocolate brown swirls. She looks so much different now, Farrah studies with a sigh, so grown up.
"These past few months I have still been seeing you as the little girl that Amy brought home from the playground that day. I'll never forget that, she was all covered in mud and I yelled at her. I said "Amy Raudenfeld, what in the world have you gotten yourself into?' and she looked me square in the eye and said 'Momma, these boys were being mean to this little girl so I beat them up because they made her cry'. And you stepped out from behind her in the cutest little dress and begged me not to ground Amy because you wanted her to come to your birthday party," Farrah recalls with a tender smile, "the two of you were pretty much inseparable ever since then. There was always sleep overs and birthday parties and trips to the park and the beach. You made her play dress up and would put her in the cutest little girly things and she would make you reenact those stupid Disney movies with her. I guess I never really let you grow up, and that was not necessarily fair of me." She takes a breath, looking at Karma before she glances back down at the floor.
"I am sorry that I have not been fair to you since Amy came out about your relationship. It was not right of me to judge you or your parents for the lifestyle that you are living. I guess I was just scared," Farrah huffs in a muttered breath, as if she had been so ashamed of herself to make the statement. Karma shakes her head in confusion, her fingers gently lacing around the older woman's as she gives them the softest squeeze to remind her that she is not alone.
"Afraid of what? I mean, you're way prettier than me and you could probably take me in any kind of physical contact," Karma jokes and Farrah forces a smile, rolling her eyes softly. Sometimes her mannerisms mimic Amy's so much that it almost hurts.
"I was afraid of you, Karma. I saw the way that Amy looked at you, even as little kids. That girl would go to hell and back for you and she did, many times. She would have moved the mountains and the sky if God had given her ability to. I was afraid because at five years old, Amy had already found the one person that gave her purpose in life. And as ya'll started to grow up, I thought maybe I had just been imagining it. But then, at the Homecoming when Amy put that crown on her head, I realized I hadn't been. She looked me square in the eye and put that crown on her head, there was no fear, Karma. Despite the fact that she knew how Bruce and I felt about… about the gays," Farrah took a breath, tucking a stray hair back behind her ear as she studies the brunette.
"I was afraid because Amy found her purpose in you. At five years old. She loves you so truly and so deeply that no other love will ever compare to that. She found it early. A lot earlier than I did, assuming that I have even found it at all. I was afraid because I was losing my little girl. But now I realize that I lost her that day on the playground when you came up to her in that dress," Farrah paused with a chuckle, taking a handkerchief from her purse and gently wiping her nose with it. And suddenly, Karma is completely speechless, breathless. She searches Farrah's face, her lips moving to say something but there are no words. There are simply no words to convey what she is trying to say, to convey how she feels.
"Farrah, I… I never meant to take your daughter away from you. I just…"
"I need you to answer me something, Karma," Farrah asks so sharply that Karma almost gets whiplash in the change of tone of the conversation. Nodding fervently, Karma squeezes her new mother-in-law's hand so reassuringly that she is almost sure that she broke it.
"Do you love Amy? More than as your best friend? I need to know that you love her. The kind of love where you are afraid to go to sleep because you know that it means that she isn't going to be there for a little while and that you hate that feeling. I need to know that you love her so deeply, so fiercely that no other love will compare. I need to know that you love her at least half as much as she loves you," Farrah demands the question and Karma feels like an elephant just died and fell onto her chest. It had been the extremely loaded question that she had been running from since the faux threesome attempt in the motel room that night. And still, even after everything else, she does not quite know how to answer the question. Wrinkling her brow, she lets out a long exhale, withdrawing her hand as she leans back into the couch, clawing at the inside of her palms and biting the inside of her jaw so hard that she thinks that she will honestly draw blood.
"I am only fifteen years old. I don't exactly know what love means right now," Karma retorts in a matter-of-fact voice. It had been a knee jerk response, one that came out of her mouth before she even realized. And yet, it had been very truthful.
"Right. Well, I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't even be here. Amy would absolutely die if she knew that I was even trying to threaten you to tell me about your feelings," Farrah responds, placing her hand on Karma's knee as she gives it a reassuring squeeze before she stands. However, with eyes squeezed tightly closed and drops of blood staining under her fingernails, Karma lets out a sharp breath and words suddenly begin tumbling.
"I don't know what love is. I don't. And I'm not going to pretend like I do. But I know that if I did, it would be Amy. When I look at her, it's like…suddenly everything in my entire life made sense. Everything that I have gone through, all the heartbreak and the struggles, it had to happen so that it would bring me to this point-with her. I know that when she touches me, it's like… it's like…" Karma pauses with a chuckle, a tear slipping down her cheeks, "it's like there is this fire that pulses through my veins. And when she smiles at me, there are butterflies, fucking butterflies like crazy. I know that when I'm away from Amy for anything more than ten minutes I think I am going to explode before I see her again. When I am having a bad day, she's the only one who can make it better. I remember the little things about her; so much so that I have cut peanut butter out of my life. I know that she makes me better. And when she looks at me, like, when she really looks at me, I'm home."
"Karma,"
"I don't know what love is. I don't. But I would like to think that Amy is it," Karma cries, her fingers twisting in her hair as her voice breaks, the tears sliding down her cheeks so quickly that she had no chance to remotely stop them. And suddenly, before she ever realizes what is happening, Farrah's arms are around her and they are holding onto each other so tightly as if the world might stop if they let go of one another. Both women, so fragile and broken, are holding onto the only piece of Amy they have left as a very familiar bond links their hearts together- love.
Karma has always wanted children. Ever since she had been a little girl, she always imagined herself with a white picket fence and 3 children, two boys and a girl, a golden retriever and a wraparound porch. However, Amy had never quite seen the fascination with children. When they had been little girls, Karma always had to force her to play house and when she did, she had always chosen to be the dad who had been away a lot. At first, Karma just thought it had been because of the fact that she lost her father at a very young age; but as they grew older, the brunette realized that Amy really just didn't want kids. It had been a realization that kind of broke her heart, really.
She always wondered what a child with Amy would look like- would it have Amy's witty personality? Would it have her smile? Would it have Amy's good heart and her gentle nature? Would it have Karma's hair? Would it have Karma's eyes? Would it have her talent and her ability to make everyone laugh? Amy had been the cutest little girl in their entire class, and the baby pictures that adorn the wall to the staircase prove that she also had been the cutest baby in the whole entire world. She would have loved to have a chance to create that kind of life with her best friend, or girlfriend, or whatever complicated label they were.
Smiling in at the nursery, Karma leans against the wall, her eyes scanning over the various baby beds. There were babies from all different parts of life in this nursery, of all different types of races, with all different types of stories. Her favorite, however, had been the little boy whose bed is right in front of the window. He had been born yesterday, eight pounds and six ounces, twenty five inches long and he already had the biggest, gummiest smile down. In fact, he had done nothing but smiled at Karma every time that she managed to look at him.
"Which one is yours?" A voice calls out from behind her shoulder and Karma glances back, smiling gently at the boy who steps up to the window beside of him. God, she had never meant to hurt him, just like she had never meant to hurt Amy. She never meant to do any of this.
"Well, considering that I have a girlfriend, I think it would be pretty damn impossible for any of these little squirts to be mine. I know that my general understanding of biology is shaky but I'm pretty sure that you need a penis to reproduce. And neither Amy nor I have one of those," Karma replies with a chuckling grin and Liam laughs as well, leaning his shoulder against the window frame as he peers inside.
"I'm sorry." They both say in unison, which results in laughter from them both.
"You first," Liam smiles and Karma nods her head, sucking in a breath as she pushes her fingers through her hair. She looks at him for a long moment, before she looks back in at the babies- finding her favorite little boy and smiling at him, something that gets a gummy response. He kicks his legs, his little hands extending outward towards her, a tiny sparkle within his eyes. He is only a few hours old, so young, so naïve and Karma cannot help but feel a little jealous of his innocence.
"I never meant to hurt you, Liam. I really didn't. You are such a handsome boy and girls practically throw themselves at you when you walk past. And I wanted to want you. God knows that I really did. I wanted to want you and I wanted you to want me back. But I can't make myself want you. And I can't make myself love you. I can't… not when… I have been running so long from something that terrified me but I can't fake it anymore, I can't lie about it anymore. Not when it hurts you and especially not when it hurts her. I love her, Liam. I love her and it scares the living shit out of me, but I do. And I can't try to give you my heart, or my body, or whatever else it is that you want when all of that belongs to Amy. I guess it always has," Karma declares and suddenly, the verbal announcement takes her breath away. Gasping softly, she places her hand over her heart and fights the tears out of her eyes. Nodding his head, Liam runs his hands over his face as he lets out a harsh breath.
"You sure you're not just a little bit straight for me? You're really hot," Liam begs and Karma laughs, shaking her head as she nudges him softly.
"I'm sorry. I just want Amy. I want to spend the rest of my life with Amy. I guess you never really had a chance, no one did, really," Karma replies, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. Liam laughs, rolling his eyes, nudging the brunette back with a different twinkle in his eye now.
"Liam Booker strikes out because of Amy? Amy Raudenfeld? Seriously?!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Karma threatens, stepping forward with her chest slightly thrust out in front of her. Suddenly, she is hovering over Liam and even though Karma may weigh 140 pounds soaking wet and probably hits with as much power as cotton balls, the boy gulps with wide eyes and quickly stepping backward, his hands held out in front of him, surrendering.
"Nothing! I just didn't realize that you were already psycho girlfriend over her. It's terrifying," Liam states, his eyes wide as he lets out a nervous breath and when Karma falls back on her heels, he smiles at her again, "but also, it's kind of cute. I guess you really are crazy for her. And it wasn't fair for me to try to split you two up. I usually have more morals than to be a home wrecker but because you two are females, I guess my body made an exception. I also should have never forced you to talk to me about what happened. It wasn't really fair."
"None of this is fair, Liam. And nothing you did was fair. You shouldn't have pursued me knowing that I was in a relationship. You shouldn't have gone along with the whole threesome idea. You shouldn't have kissed Amy right in front of me. And you most certainly should not have corned me in the middle of the fucking waiting room and demand that I make things more serious with you. There are a lot of things that you should not have done because they were not fair. Not to you, not to me, and especially not to Amy," Karma snaps, squinting at him as he manages to shrink ad she lets out a ragged breath before running her fingers through her hair.
"Amy hated you. But even though she hated you, she let you hang around because she is a nice person and thought that it would make me happy. So, because of that, I'm not going to murder you. After all, you were just trying to make the both of us happy," Karma shrugs, biting her bottom lip nervously, "how were you supposed to know that I was actually one hundred and ten percent in love with Amy when even I wasn't?" To this, Liam just looks at her with a sad, but still comforting smile upon his face. It is moments like this, when the rest of her world is falling apart, that she wishes that she could just like Liam; after all, it would make her life a hell of a lot simpler.
"I'm cool with just being friends, you know? I do have people that are just friends. Like Shane, for example," Liam replies with a twinkle in his eye and Karma laughs so hard that it nearly startles the baby through the glass. Smiling in at the little tyke, she shakes her head, placing her hand affectionately on his broad shoulder.
"You and Shane Harvey are just friends just like how Amy and I were just friends," Karma laughs and Shane wrinkles his brow, shaking his head at her. Before she has time to react, Liam's arms are around her, pulling her into a hug. She wants to resist, she wants to wiggle away and remind him that she does not want anything from him. However, there is something extremely comforting about being buried deep within Liam Booker's strong arms.
"Karma! Come quick! It's Amy!" The cracking voice of a panicked Shane shakes Karma completely.
There is a certain amount of speed that one reaches when the thought of the person that they love is in serious trouble. It is like the speed of sound and the speed of light have nothing anywhere close to just how quick Karma Ashcroft is bolting through the hospital. There had not been enough time for the elevator, so she practically flew down the stairwell; knocking over doctors and practically plowing down a pregnant lady who she is not sure if she is giving birth to a human or to an alien. She also almost tripped and rolled her ankle, but there was not any time for that; there is absolutely no time to deal with her own pain.
Amy needs her.
She practically mows over a tiny girl who is jabbering excitedly in the waiting room about how her Daddy gets to come home today after his accident. Her mother practically scowls at her and Karma makes a mental note to apologize to the young girl later, but right now there is no time. There is just simply not enough time.
Bolting through the door of Amy's room, she pushes her way through the sea of people that included Lauren, Shane, Bruce, a couple of nurses, a crumbling Farrah and Doctor Avery who stood, very solemnly and quiet by her bed side. Karma watches him carefully with squinted eyes as he places his stethoscope onto Amy's chest, listening carefully before he sighs, nodding at his nurses, his eyes glued to the clock on the wall. Karma watches as he scribbles something in his notes and she swears that her heart completely plummets into her toes.
Fuck, no. No, this can't be. This cannot be happening. She finally realized what Amy had been trying to tell her for months now, she cannot lose her. She can't realize that she is in love with her best friend, only to have her best friend ripped away from her. Her knees are buckling, the tears are burning and suddenly Karma's dry mouth is filled with the metallic taste of blood. Fuck, is she bleeding?
As her mind races in a thousand different directions, her heart beating erratically, and her knees practically giving way beneath her, her eyes stay glued on Doctor Avery. Suddenly, he is turning off the ventilator; the one thing that, she had at least been conscious enough to understand, was keeping Amy alive.
It had been keeping Amy alive.
Fucking hell. No.
"NO! No! This can't be happening! This… cannot… be…. Happening. How in the hell is this happening?! You said that she would make a recovery! You said that I would…I can't be losing… I…I… I need her. I need Amy! You can't just… you can't give up on her… you can't just…" Karma is sobbing now, the most heart wrenching sobs that anyone has ever heard in their entire lives. It is Shane's arm around her shoulder that is keeping her upright, until suddenly, it is something else entirely.
"K-K-Kar-Karma?" The tiny, raspy voice whispers out so quietly that if Karma had not spent every day since the beginning of her life hearing that particular voice, well, she might have just missed it. Her mouth drops open as she looks at Shane who is smiling weakly, nudging her forward. Suddenly, she is sitting on Amy's bed, her hand gently in hers as she stares at the girl whose eyes are struggling to open.
"Amy, it's me. It's Karma. I'm here. Can you hear me?" Karma whispers, her fingers gently tracing Amy's jawline. And suddenly, in that moment, it is as if the rest of the world around them simply just stops. As if the clock on the wall made its tick, her heart in her chest took its final beat, and her lungs expanded for the very last time.
Because, suddenly it is Karma's deep brown eyes that are staring into the most beautiful shade of emerald jades that she has ever known in her entire life; those same eyes that give her life meaning.
Sucking in a crying gasp, Karma's face suddenly splits in half as the biggest grin of relief washes over her face and the tears begin to expel down her cheeks. And precipitously, Karma cannot breathe, but it is the most amazing type of awe struck that she has ever experienced in her entire life.
"I love you," Amy whispers in a muddled groan, her eyes wincing at the harsh light and Karma thinks her heart really might just explode right then and there. Crying joyously, Karma leans down, kissing Amy's dry lips ever so softly before resting her forehead against hers.
"I love you too, Ames" cries Karma.
And oh how she did, because loving Amy Raudenfeld had always been as easy as breathing.
Also, just remember that just because Amy is awake, doesn't necessarily mean it is going to be smooth sailing. ;)