No, no, this cannot be happening again... please do not make me relive this... it is too painful... oh, Jim, why are you separated from me now... I cannot help you... I cannot save you...

Those eyes, those crystal blue eyes, now wet with tears... he is afraid... he knows he is dying. He is going where I cannot follow him. We have only just come to know each other, come to be friends and now I am losing him... keep looking at me Jim, do not look away. As long as you see me, you are still here. As long as we look into each other's eyes, you are still with me...

Spock struggled to break free of the dream, the devastating memory of seeing the light go out in Jim's eyes. So much unsaid, so much undone. The friendship that would define them both was not to be, cut short by a madman, sacrificed by a starship captain giving his life to save his crew. Spock wished passionately that it had been he who had made that sacrifice, not his friend. He would be gone but he would die knowing that Jim would live on... was that how Jim felt in those last moments? He said he was scared, and asked Spock to help him not to be. Spock had no answer for him. All of his carefully crafted logic and self control was ripped away in pieces, finally gone completely as he watched his friend die. And as he knelt at the door, feeling as if he'd been turned inside out, all his most protected places exposed, he felt the devastation turn to a raging, seething, white hot anger. He would make Khan pay for what he had done. He had taken his friend from him. He would pay...

"Spock. Spock! Wake up!" Spock was still in the grip of the nightmare. How can Jim be speaking to me? He is dead, gone.

He felt himself being shaken. He felt like he was being dragged up through the depths of his despair and forced to face the horrifying reality of Jim's death all over again.

"Spock, wake up! WAKE UP!" Spock struck out at whoever was tormenting him. He hit something and heard Jim say "Ow! Dammit, Spock, snap out of it!"

He opened his eyes. And saw Jim looking down at him, concern on his face. A spot on his right cheek was turning red from where Spock had hit him. He pushed away the last remnant of the nightmare. Jim was alive. He was right here. Spock reached up and grabbed his soul mate and pulled him down, holding him so tightly that Jim said "Spock, I can't breathe, loosen up." Jim sat up and Spock still held onto him. Now they were sitting up in bed, and this time it was Spock who collapsed against Jim, tears flowing, though not as much as Jim had wept in the recent past. Still, for a Vulcan it was a great amount. His self control was gone, shattered by the nightmare. He was shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air.

"Spock, for God's sake, what were you dreaming?"

Spock pulled in a ragged breath. "I was reliving the moment of your death."

xxxxx

"Oh, jesus. Oh my God." Jim was horrified. He remembered that moment too, or at least the few moments before he died. He remembered seeing tears in Spock's eyes, remembered regretting that a budding friendship was being cut short. He had come to love Spock, and it hurt so badly to know that he was going to leave him here alone. The only comfort was knowing that he would live on. Jim had made the ultimate sacrifice for his first officer and his crew. Nothing less would be expected of a starship captain. When he was climbing up into the warp core, he knew the radiation would kill him, but he pushed that thought to a far corner of his mind and focused on the task at hand. He could not let himself become afraid, or regretful, or start to think about all the friends he would leave behind. There was a job to be done, and only he could do it. It wasn't until he had crawled back to the access door, radiation poisoned and dying, that he had let himself feel. And once he saw Spock, all he could do was feel.

Jim tightened his hold on his friend. He was crying along with him. But presently he realized that they didn't need to cry over loss, because they had been given a second chance. Fate had done a one-eighty and the psychopath who had caused Jim's death had also been the one to save him. He rubbed Spock's back and began to talk to him in a soft, soothing voice.

"Spock, I'm here. You didn't lose me. You need to shake this off, buddy. This isn't good for you. Come on, stop crying."

Spock sat up and looked at him. Jim observed that instead of his eyes being red from crying, they were greenish. Jim grabbed a box of tissues from the nightstand and handed them to his friend. That box of tissues had become a regular feature of Jim's bedroom, because that was where his emotional meltdowns usually took place. It was distressing to Jim to see Spock so far out of control. He sincerely hoped there would not be many more episodes like this. They were very detrimental to Spock's health and well-being.

Spock wiped his face and blew his nose. He looked at Jim and then shook his head.

"I completely lost control, Jim. That is uncharacteristic of me."

"No shit. You scared me to death. Are you gonna be OK?"

"I believe so. Something is wrong, Jim. I must contact T' Pela on New Vulcan and seek her advice."

"What do you mean, something's wrong?"

"These episodes of emotional trauma should not be happening. Even for you, as a human. You break down far too often. But for me to experience this loss of control is truly alarming."

"Alarming is an understatement. Do you think it has something to do with Tal Fe'an Har?"

"Possibly. I will contact T' Pela and see if she can explain what is happening."

xxxxx

Spock typed a sequence of numbers and characters into his tablet. He waited for the transmission to initialize, and then watched the screen resolution clear. Looking back at him was the woman who had tested and verified the Tal Fe'an Har between Jim and himself.

"Mr. Spock, it is agreeable to see you again. How may I be of service?"

"T' Pela. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I have some questions regarding Tal Fe'an Har. Jim and I have experienced some phenomena that may be related to our bond."

"Please elaborate," T' Pela said.

Spock proceeded to tell her about the loss of emotional control they had been experiencing, especially Jim. He also told her about their desire, no, their need to be in close physical contact.

T' Pela listened intently, and then spoke. "Although little is known regarding Tal Fe'an Har, what you describe has been documented. They are side effects of the bond."

"Are the effects permanent?" Spock hoped not. Jim was having a very difficult time dealing with them. And Spock's recent episode regarding the nightmare had been most disconcerting.

"Negative. They will diminish over time. It may take longer for the two of you."

"Is this because Jim is human?"

"Yes, and the fact that you are half human will play a role as well."

"Is there anything we can do to minimize these side effects?"

T' Pela was silent as she considered the question. "Jim is recovering from having died and been brought back from death. As I understand it, he was given a transfusion of the blood of a genetically engineered super-human. Is this correct?"

"Affirmative. We do not know if there will be any long term side effects associated with the transfusion. As it stands now, he has had none. The physicians at Starfleet are keeping a close watch on him."

"A wise course of action, given that they are dealing with the unknown in this instance. As for helping your soul mate deal with the side effects of the bonding, I can only recommend that you allow them to run their course. Do not attempt to deny him his emotions or his need to be close to you. It will not help, and could make things worse. You are dealing with these effects as well, are you not?"

"To a lesser degree, but yes, I am."

"Spock, you have a rare opportunity in this case. You can choose to learn more about the dynamics of human emotions in a way that you would not have been able to in the past. Because you are working with your soul mate, there will be a level of trust which you cannot find anywhere else."

"Agreed. In fact, this is already occurring. And as I attempt to assist Jim in dealing with the profound changes he is experiencing, I am learning much about my own emotional makeup."

"Excellent. Is there any other way in which I can help you?"

"I believe I have what I need to proceed. Thank you for your time and assistance."

"You are most welcome, Spock. Live long and prosper."

"Live long and prosper, T' Pela."

The connection terminated. Spock reflected on what T' Pela had told him. It all made sense, and much of it he had already surmised. To have it confirmed was gratifying. It meant that he was proceeding correctly in his efforts to help Jim.

Today had been a good day. Spock took Jim on a tour of the Enterprise and Jim got to see for himself the changes that were being made. Every new piece of equipment was designed with the five-year mission in mind. Jim was like 'a kid in a candy store', grinning broadly and greeting officers and crew that he hadn't seen in a while. They visited engineering, the medical bay, and finally they stood on the bridge looking out the forward view screen, which at this point provided a lovely view of space dock and the black of space beyond. There was no one save the two of them on the bridge. Spock moved to stand beside his captain, hands clasped behind his back as usual. He looked at Jim.

"Have you enjoyed the tour?"

"Very much. Thanks, Spock. This has been a real treat."

"It has been a pleasure for me as well. I have enjoyed seeing you smiling, laughing, and happy."

"I am happy. This is really exciting. I just wish we didn't have to wait so long to get started."

"The time will pass quickly. You will be busy with the work we are doing together."

"Yeah. Maybe I'll have nailed it by the time we leave."

"I think it will happen far sooner than that. Is there anything else you'd like to see before we disembark?"

Jim did not answer. He looked around at the bridge, his eyes coming to rest on the captain's chair. He walked over and sat down. Spock observed him take a deep breath and close his eyes. The Vulcan said nothing. He allowed Jim the moment, before moving to stand beside him. After a moment he laid his hand on his friend's shoulder. Jim looked up at him and smiled.

"You know what the best part is gonna be? That we get to do this together."

Spock favored him with one of his almost smiles. Jim suddenly stood and pulled Spock into his arms. The soul mates hugged each other tightly, then let go and stood side by side. Spock was allowing his feelings to settle when Jim spoke.

"Let's go get some lunch. I'm starving."