Chapter Four: Confessions

Boa awoke to the horrible feeling of being the stupidest person in the Abarat. How had she managed to make such a mess of everything in just one day? How had she managed to let it happen? How could she have just stood there and let such a thing happen to her? What was wrong with her?

Boa could feel the hot stinging tears of humiliation forming at the back of her eyes, swelling them and making her vision blurry the disgrace. A few days ago everything had been so simple, she had been happy with Finnegan and had seen life as a straight line, now it was jagged with problems all caused by Carrion's return.

She didn't excuse her herself from the blame, yes Carrion had been the one to initiate the kiss, but she hadn't done anything to make him think it was unwelcome, in fact she had even responded, and it hadn't been reluctantly either. Now in the unclouded waking morning, Boa saw clearly how stupid she had been to even let him come near her.

She had started something now, and she wasn't sure how to finish it. One thing was for certain as she sat shaking, she couldn't keep this to herself.

Climbing out of bed, her tears falling faster the more she thought of her sorry state, Boa pulled on her clothes with the heaviest of hands. It seemed as if her body didn't want for her to be awake today, and if it had it's way she would be hiding under the blankets, staying there forever and ever, never coming out, never facing the consequences of what she had done.

Finnegan was in the gardens when she found him, and trying her best to hide her tears, Boa hurried towards him. His steely expression melted as soon as he saw she was upset. He might had have been angry with her still, but it didn't stop him caring for her.

"Princess," he said holding out his arms for her, even though they had agreed never to embrace in public.

Boa's strong resolve disappeared as she fell into his arms and cried even harder. She let him hold her, unknowing of what she had done. Just let him hold me this last time, before he hates me forever, Boa told herself as she sought comfort from his arms, not caring for one second if anyone saw them.

"Oh Finnegan, I have done something terrible," she said looking down at the floor and stepping back from him with a slow motion.

Finnegan looked at her quizzically, he couldn't think of anything she might have done that was cause for tears.

"It cannot be worth your tears, nothing would ever be worth those," he said wiping the salty trails from her cheeks.

This only caused her eyes to form a new shield of tears, why must he be so nice?

"This is," she whispered. "But first, please tell me you love me, just one last time."

"What do you mean last time? What are you talking about?" Finnegan demanded, he was worried now; it wasn't like Boa to be so melancholy. "Come," he said leading her into the horse stable yard and shut the large door-gate. "Now tell me."

Boa bit her bottom lip between her teeth. There was no doubt in her mind that this was the right thing to do. Finnegan had a right to know, even if he was to hate her forever for it, she would never be able to live with herself if he didn't ever know. Besides, her only friend was Finnegan; and if you counted Carrion, well then him too. She had no one to advise her, and no one else to speak to.

Boa knew the best way to tell him was just to say it, yet the words wouldn't come. She couldn't bear to think that those eyes that were looking at her now with so much care could turn to hate at any moment.

"Carrion was in the library last night," she said quietly. She averted her eyes for a moment as Finnegan's face made a slight twitching movement. Could he guess what was coming next? "I wasn't looking for him, I just found him there."

"And?" Finnegan prompted, his eyes turning hazy with rage, not for Boa, but for the idea of Boa and Carrion alone. "Well, there's more isn't there? Yes?"

Boa just looked at the floor, how could she stop now? Yet how could she proceed? Saying it out loud just confirmed how much of a stupid fool she had been.

"Well?" Finnegan shouted. This was too much for Boa and she began shouting too.

"He kissed me! … Ok?"

"Ok?" Finnegan shouted back. "Ok? What the hell do you mean ok? What's ok about that? What, am I supposed to agree?"

"No of course not," Boa said indignant. "I didn't mean..."

Finnegan took a step back from her before he did something he regretted. He was so angry that he couldn't even think. Boa sat down on a bale of hay and covered her face in her hands.

"What were you thinking? Don't I mean anything to you?"

"Of course you do Finnegan, that's why I'm telling you. I didn't mean it!"

"Oh you didn't mean it…well that's alright then. What were you thinking?" Finnegan shouted.

Boa hugged herself as if her stomach was in pain and looking up at with a tearstained face.

"I couldn't help it Finnegan, I didn't know what to do," Boa sobbed looking up at him as he paced on the cobbled floor.

Finnegan threw his hands up in frustration. He tried his best not to be angry at Boa, but how could he not be? He felt like she had betrayed him some how, even if what she claimed was true, that it was Carrion that had kissed her. He could never imagine it being the other way round, but still he couldn't help but feel betrayed.

"You could have said no," he said still pacing in an attempt to calm down.

"I'm sorry," Boa whispered. What could be said now? Finnegan knew the truth, he didn't know her inner most feelings, but he knew what he should know. What was left to say?

Finnegan sat down beside her, Boa shied away from him not feeling worthy of him being so close.

"You don't care for him… do you?" he asked uncertain, his voice calm once more. Boa wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Not like I care for you," she replied shaking her head slightly. "I thought perhaps we could be friends, just like we were when we were children, I didn't believe anything you said about…" Boa paused, she wasn't sure if she should proceed with this thought, but she decided it couldn't get any worse than it was and took a deep breath and continued. "I'm so stupid. I just refused to believe what you said, even when I knew… I knew it all along. Why am I so stupid?"

There was a long silence.

"What are you going to do now?" Finnegan asked. Boa looked up at him confused. "You told me once, you couldn't afford to offend him."

Boa looked away.

"I haven't thought…" she admitted. "I cannot afford to offend him, but I cannot lie either."

"I understand," Finnegan replied through gritted teeth.

Boa could hear in his voice how much she had hurt him, he was doing his best to accept what had happened, but he couldn't disguise his pain. Boa could see his calm demeanour was not going to last long, he was still angry underneath and she was waiting for it to explode, any moment now.

After a long pause in which the reality or what had happened finally sank into Finnegan, his posture became less steady and he began to shake with rage.

"How dare he!" he shouted finally, jumping up in a sudden movement. "I'll kill him! I swear it!"

"No, Finnegan please," Boa pleaded. "It was my fault."

"No! He has manipulated you ever since he arrived here, making you feel like you owed him something, it cannot go on, I won't allow it!"

"Finnegan you cannot fight him, I won't let you. He won't be fair; he's not fair with anything. If you fight him he'll kill you, and I cannot live without you," Boa screamed fresh tears running down her face, she would have said anything to keep him in that courtyard.

She wasn't lying when she said Carrion would kill him, she really believed he would.

"You want me to do nothing? Just to sit still whilst he does this to you?" he asked his eyes glazed with fury and his muscles tensed ready for fighting.

"You mustn't do anything, if my father finds out and he banishes Carrion then we could have a war on our hands, and think of all those innocent people who would die, all because of me," Boa said feeling even more wretched the more she spoke. "No, I got myself into this, I'll get myself out."

"I wish you would just let me help you."

"Finnegan, I really don't think hitting him is going to help," Boa said with a small smile.

"Yes, well it would make me feel a lot better," he said before laughing to himself. The laughter didn't last long. "Come away with me."

"What?"

"Come away with me, now, right now!" Finnegan repeated.

"Run away?" Boa asked looking around nervously. Finnegan nodded. "No, I can't."

Finnegan's smile faded.

"I know," he said sadly. "I know."

They looked at each other despondently for a while in silence. Finally Finnegan held out his hand.

"No more tears, right?"

Boa looked at him with new hope in her eyes.

"You're not angry?" she asked with half a frown.

Finnegan just wrapped an arm around her and held her close to him.

"I love you Boa, I'd forgive you anything, just as long as you promise me that your heart is mine and not his."

Boa didn't promise, but just smiled. How could she promise something like that?

Author's note: Slightly less fun than last chapter, but don't fret we haven't seen the last of Carrion yet; everything's going to get a whole lot more awkward now.

Scraper: Thank you!

Kisara The Angel of Music: I shall get round to finishing reading your story, I'm half way through it so far, you shall get a review from me. Thank you for your comments and I fixed that typo.