Chapter 4

She loved Scotland, but even here she had found someone and lost them, she was happy but Lorraine had called her a distraction to her work, she had been heartbroken at the time but then again it was her fault she wanted to be loved and to love back and she didn't deserve it she wasn't a person who should be loved. All through her life since her Nanny Boston had died she had thought she didn't really deserve to be loved because love Nikki Boston and things go wrong.

She would self destruct and sleep with anyone on offer in the past, after Lyds had died she had had a fling with a man for a couple of months then a married woman, no love involved at all but she realised it was a road to nowhere a self destruct route and stopped going out, that was when she drank. Drinking didn't stop all the self doubt and pain in the cold light of day and a hell of a hangover her life was still shit. The PGCE course had saved her life, she had been a teaching assistant for a couple of months and the head at the school had suggested that her passion for English and her love of reading and the way she could inspire even the most disinterested kids to read a book would make her a good teacher.

Nikki had patched up her life but, she knew every time she looked at a girl with dark hair who was the same age as her daughter that living in Bradford was her daughter Eve. She would wonder for a minute how she was and what she was doing did she still have the little teddy bear she had put in her cot. Did Eve wonder why she had no mum or was Stuart married and she did have a mum, this had made Nikki angry with herself was a stranger bringing up her daughter? Her daughter was a stranger to her.

By Monday Morning Nikki was exhausted, she had the week of the war to get through, Blood Audrey McFall. Christine met her in the corridor on the way for the morning briefing, "Hi Nikki, how was your weekend?"

"Don't ask, my mind was in over drive I'm knackered, Christine I hardly slept, you know I called her Dad?"

"Yes I saw you there as I went out to my car, not good?"

"Can I talk to you later Christine, I know you're busy but I well..?" Nikki looked so dejected Christine knew she was on the brink of falling apart, moisture filler her eyes and Nikki looked away.

"Break time ok I have a meeting with the education this morning?" Christine reached out and touched her arm, she felt Nikki flinch, Nikki was at rock bottom she knew by her whole demeanour.

The bell sounded for morning break, "Alright off you go," Nikki was relieved to hear that bell she was finding it tough to hide her feelings.

"Come in Nikki, have a seat," Christine was sitting in the comfortable chairs at the side of her office, Nikki sat in the one opposite her, her elbows resting on her knees and her head hung down, "So the meeting with Eve didn't end too well?"

"No I called her dad that made her angry, she thought he had stopped me from seeing her. I told her the truth Christine that I had wanted an abortion, she stormed off, Kacey found her on the beach, I don't know what she said to her but Eve came back, she wasn't totally hostile but I think I've blown it, I did say if she needed help to choose a uni or anything I'd help, not much from a mother who left her at one week old." Tears ran down Nikki's face, "I love her Christine, I did from the day she was born, but I was 18 confused and I was going to leave Stuart before I found out I was pregnant with Eve. I wanted that abortion but he begged me not to that he would raise Eve and I knew he would do a fantastic job. He has 7 older brothers and 5 sisters his parents had come over from Ireland when his dad got a job here he was the only one born in England, he was fantastic with his nieces and nephews he loved kids. He used to be a party entertainer at the weekend you know. He was Mr Magic and his magic monkey Boo," Nikki smiled at the memory, "He was brilliant at it, he's a property developer now, has houses all over Manchester and Liverpool as well as in Bradford. I never loved him Christine, I wanted to be normal, I wanted my dad to see me to be proud of me but he never did see me I'm invisible, my mum left me when I was 4, she lives in Australia somewhere, if she's still alive, dad left me to live with my Nanny Boston, she was so wonderful," tears streamed down Nikki's face now small sobs left her. Christine remained silent realising Nikki had not opened up to anyone for years who knew how long.

"I met a woman, I-I was in the TA Kerin, we were best friends, it took nine months for ms to realise we were falling in love, we made love one night after a training weekend, I had gone back to her flat, I want home to Stuart later on and Eve was conceived that night, he wasn't demanding in that respect, I'm sorry Christine I'm rambling on you don't want to hear all this," Nikki sniffed.

"Nikki, I know how it is to be alone with your life and having someone to talk to is a way to begin healing the past things that still hurt you in the present, I'm here and I have the time to listen."

" I gave birth to Eve, Stuart took her home from hospital and I went to stay with Kerin, she threw me out after a few weeks could not get her head around me having the kid and leaving it. " I deserved it really, I didn't deserve such happiness that I felt with Kerin so soon after Eve. I went in the Army met Lydia or Lyds as she liked to be called. She was the love of my life, we would have made it," Nikki went quiet.

"Why didn't you Nikki?"

Nikki broke down completely sobs racked her, Christine knelt in front of her and wrapped her arms around her, "She died in Afghanistan, she was on patrol with the guys in our company, I was sick at the time so I was confined to barracks, I'd have been with her all, the guys were lost Lyds, Bucko, Francy, Connor, all of my mates and the woman I loved died that day and I was in fucking bed with a fever. I should have been with them. I should have died with them all," Nikki had never spoken like this before to anyone realising she was sobbing on the heads shoulder who was kneeling on the floor brought her to her senses she jumped up and apologised and made for the door.

"Nikki it's ok to grieve, Nikki!" Sonia looked up from the cupcake she was about to take a bite from seeing Nikki tears streaming down her face with Christine chasing after her race out of the room and into the corridor, "Everything alright Christine?"

Exasperated Christine looked at Sonia,"Does it look alright?" Christine disappeared after Nikki; Nikki had reached the car park by the time she had caught up with her, "Nikki don't feel ashamed, you never grieved for any of the things that happened to you in your life, you have put a lid on everything and carried on. There is always something that will come along one day and blow that lid off, and you have to deal with the fall out, how you deal with it is how your life is shaped from that day on, believe me I know that, I dealt with my fall out so badly as you know but I am getting there."

"I'm sorry Christine but I don't have anyone, I realised that I am alone, Stuart asked me how my life was and I told him my job was great, he meant outside of work, had I found anyone, it was then it hit me I have no one Christine everyone I loved is dead or gone from my life no one in this world loves me, I didn't know how lonely I was until Eve came and I don't like this empty feeling inside."

"There is no easy fix for you and Eve but if you make an effort Nikki and her father agrees to help then may be you can forge a relationship with Eve, it won't happen over night, Nikki you were young, and you were confused about who you were. You couldn't live the life of a wife and mother I can see that, were you honest with Stuart as to what was going on?"

"I told him when I wanted the abortion, I told him everything, he begged me to keep in touch but I thought it would be best to cut and run sever all ties to Eve and him, a gay mum was not what I wanted to be to Eve all or nothing, apart from that I loved her and I knew after what I had said and wanted at the beginning of the pregnancy I didn't deserve anything back from her of Stuart. Look I have a class to go to Christine, I best get in there the bell went 5 minutes ago. Thanks for listening I'll give things a go Christine I promise."

"I'm here Nikki if you need me." Christine touched her arm Nikki smiled."

"Thank you Christine."