Chapter 4

"What?" I asked, hurt. Why was he sorry?

"You're only 13. I–I can't do this to you. What if I hurt you? What if–if we have sex and I get you pregnant?

"Can you even do that?" I wondered allowed, "Like, you're...you're dead." I spoke the last word in a whisper and it hung in the air like smoke.

"I don't know Tabs, and I don't think I want to find out." He climbed off of on top of my chest and lay beside me. I could see the bulge in the front of his jeans that had been jabbing me in the crotch only a few seconds ago.

Then it clicked. I had a solution to this...obstacle. Not to long ago I had been snooping around my mom's room looking for pictures of my dad that I could steal, when I found their stash. It grossed me out at the time but I suppose it could save me now. But did I really want to lose my virginity? Yes. But now? I didn't know. And would it even count? I mean...he's not even alive.

"Condoms," I said aloud.

"Yeah. Condoms would be nice," Jake looked at me. I felt all the blood in my head rush to my face.

"I mean, I know where some are...in my mother's room."

"Tabs, don't just do this because you feel like I'm making you. Because I'm not trying to make you do anything." Jake looked dead serious, no pun intended.

"Jake—" I started, but he cut me off.

"Tabitha! I don't want–I mean I do want to, but I don't want you to! If something goes wrong, you'll be the one that gets hurt! Not me!" His voice had been rising the entire time, but I was the only one in the house, maybe even in the entire world, that could hear him. "Tabs, please. If you really, truly have ANY doubts,at all, you need to let me know. Now. 'Cause if something happens I can't die twice, but you're still living. You can."

That changed everything. It's so hard to decide on something when all the negative views are thrown at you.

"Tabitha!" I heard my mother call. It was almost 6:30. "Dinner!" As she said that, I could feel the hunger growling in agreement.

"Tabitha, I don't want you to think I'm mad at you. I'm not. I–I love you. I really do. But again," his voice cracked, "I don't want to hurt you. I can't stand to lose another person I love. I can't stand to see you get hurt."

I could feel over 20 different feeling bubbling inside me. This guy actually loved me. He cared for me like nobody ever had. Yet he didn't want me. He didn't want to make love to me. To feel my body, to enjoy every last taste of it.

"Right now, you have to eat dinner. Think about it ok? I want you to choose what is best for you." Jake disappeared, had left the room smelling like the ocean—where he died—and his own personal musky scent behind.

small break

As I nibbled at my cold pasta, I thought about what Jake had said. He was right. It was dangerous to do this...but he started it. I glanced outside. Through the kitchen window, I could almost see our entire backyard, which was overgrown with lilacs, grass, and various weeds. The peach tree was budding and our potato bush (a tree small tree with purple flowers) was in full bloom. It was beautiful, just to look at it. I didn't need to climb up inside it's branches to experience it's beauty.

That would be my answer. I just wanted to look at Jake. Touch him. I didn't need to do the full package. I smiled, stood up, dumped my nasty pasta in the trash, and rinsed off my dishes.

Small break

Jake was waiting for me on my bed. His shirt was off and when I came in—and when he propped himself up on his elbows and I could see his chiseled abs ripple. "I've made my decision," I announced, unable to take my eyes off his glorious chest.

"And…" Jake said.

"Well," I began. I didn't know how to start. "Um, well, I don't want to have sex. I mean–I do, just not yet...but eventually," I added hopefully, "like when I'm older...or just when we're both ready, whichever comes first."

"Ohhhkay...Does that mean you just want to watch a movie tonight or something?"

"No." I did want to watch a movie with him, one that would make us both laugh and fill up the emptiness in my heart, but, "I was thinking, that maybe, we could just...make out? Not like get too physical but maybe…" I could hear my heart pounding furiously in my chest and I was sure he could hear it too, "...maybe," I continued, "just touch each other. Look at each other."

I couldn't read his expression. And honestly, I was scared. What if he freaked out and yelled No! and disappeared forever? What if–if he stopped loving me?

"I think," he began, "that's a great idea."

At first I was shocked, "Really? You–you really want to...to let me see you? You want to see me?" That was what shocked me. He wanted to touch me, to know all my imperfections.

"Of course, Tabs. The only reason I didn't want to have sex with you was because I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt." This made my heart soar, but it got stuck in my throat when I heard my mother call for me.

I raced down stairs, tripping over my own feet and stopped at the foot of the stairs and faced my mom. "Yes?" I asked. I just wanted to get back upstairs to my Jake waiting for me.

"It's your night to do the dishes, Tabitha. And I'd like you to be upstairs and in your room ready for bed at 8:00."

"Why can't great aunt Maura do the dishes?" I compained.

"Tabitha!" My mother caught me off guard, and I shrunk back. She never ever raises her voice. "Tabs, please. Maura is our guest. We don't make our guests do our chores."

"Sorry," I responded shyly. "I'll get the dishes done by 7:50."

Which I hoped I could do because it was almost 7:30. I followed my mother into the kitchen and she went through to the living room.

The dishes were piled pretty high. I scooted around the island in the center of the kitchen and stared at the heapin the sink. How was I ever supposed to get this done? I picked up a glass lying on the top of the pile. It almost fell to it's death when felt the warm arms wrap around my waist.

"Woah," Jake said and caught the glass in mid fall, "it's just me."

Just you, I thought. Yeah. That's all. He's only, like, the love of my life...who also happens to be dead. No big deal.

Jake jolted me out of my sarcastic thoughts, "I can help with those. They won't be able to see me."

"I know," I agreed, "but what if they see the floating plates?...Wait. When you touch something, does it disappear?" I had been wondering this for a while.

"I don't know, you tell me," and he disappeared. However, the plate was still there, hovering in the air.

"Yeah...um they'll think I've got more powers than I'm letting on," I laughed. It felt good.

"Well, they're kind of busy chatting at the moment," he waved his hand at the women chatting away on the couch.

"Yeah, I suppose," and we spent the next 15 minutes scrubbing dishes.