Author's Note: Pardon the lack of review. I had some written out then the computer had an issue and I never remember what I write so either way hopefully this isn't dull. I seem to only find time to write after 1 AM and even if this doesn't seem as though there's a plot-believe it or not there is. And I know most people don't like Marissa but...I don't know, I like my versions of Marissa. Review if you'd like and thank you very much to those who have. Also does it amuse anyone that I never categorize my stories as romance when they have relationships in them? Maybe because I don't really believe in love. (Oh over share, how you're fun.)

Chapter 6

Rain hit the windows and made everything more heightened. Marissa thought it was odd and unexpected since rain often meant people felt down and with that came the cliché gloom, but she felt heavier, the water sliding down the glass, the outside world became blurred, which she admitted genuinely showed what Newport was.

It made her feel weighted down, that she was really there, existing, but she also wanted to stop feeling so alive. She thought it was odd. Suicidal thoughts didn't cross her mind, she knew though that she felt somewhat guilty for being alive when others couldn't. Instead of thinking about that she'd try to read, though her focus would wane eventually and she'd be back to her thoughts. If only she had screamed stop, that she hadn't been browsing through an ipod for the ideal song, if she hadn't been distracted, and she considered these possibilities over an over again until she was interrupted. With a sigh she turned and grabbed her phone.

"Hello?" She asked unsure why Alex would be calling, the name appearing on the screen.

"I was wondering if you could tell me if you're busy in say….fifteen minutes?" She replied lightly. Typical Alex. Marissa thought. Cutting to the chase. And why the hell not? Life's short…

"Marissa?" Alex asked with a hint of worry in her voice, the occupied girl not realizing there was that awkward silence.

"No, not busy," Marissa replied gently with a frown.

"Okay so how do you feel about taking a walk on the beach?"

"Can I ask a favor first?" Marissa replied still frowning as she considered how out of the blue Alex's call was.

"No, I'm off the clock," came the ex's reply but Marissa could hear the edge of humor in her voice and knew she was joking, that dry humor was something she had missed without realizing it.

"Can…"

"What? No Jodie, I'll be back in maybe 2 hours…why would you need that? Jodie, we've discussed this…"

As Marissa heard the conversation her mental gears were working, why was Jodie there? They were still friends? Or more than friends? Shaking her head she dismissed it and sighed, knowing fully well that she didn't have a right to Alex or to be the least bit annoyed.

"What was the favor?" Alex asked, getting back to the conversation with her ex.

She was going to ask if she could bring her ipod but rethinking it she didn't want the distraction, the possibility of a repeat and she cringed into the phone at the thought of it.

"Nothing, I'll see you in fifteen then?" Marissa said in an almost cold voice and she cringed again at how cold hearted she sometimes felt, though the word disconnected would also pop into her mind as the perfect adjective for her current state.

"Ah yeah, see you then," the former blonde said but seemed to have lost her slightly upbeat tone from when she first called.

"Bye," Marissa said without much energy and tossed her phone on the bed only to pick herself up, cross her room and grab a sweater from her closet. If they were going to go to the beach she knew she'd end up cold, she was always cold, it was rare when she felt warm.

For the next few minutes she stood in her bathroom looking herself over. She was thinner from when she was in high school, she looked like she needed sleep on account of the immense desire to avoid dreaming and her general lack of care. There were moments when she hated that guys would look at her, she wasn't an idiot, she knew they were interested and even some girls looked at her but it was just another reminder that she was walking around, breathing, more or less having a life when someone else wasn't.

To busy herself for a few minutes she washed her face, put some concealer on to cover the dark spots under her eyes, some clear lip gloss, some tan, almost golden eye-shadow and mascara. At the final touch her phone beeped with a new text message. Grabbing it she opened the text to see it say-come out come out wherever you are

Smirking at her phone she put everything back in a drawer and headed downstairs. Once outside she gave a brief, barely there smile to Alex who she begrudgingly admitted looked annoyingly good in her black pants and loose sweater that had a dark red shirt peaking out of it.

"Hi," the driver said easily.

"Hi, so you don't have work?"

"I did, but I got out early since everything was done and I thought I'd go relax since it's a rarity." She replied with ease, as she looked the passenger over.

"Mmm well if you're not too tired after the beach I can give you that massage I promised," she said with a shrug.

"We'll see, depends on the time and if I get a call," Alex kept on as she backed out of the driveway.

"Yeah…why all the calls by the way?" Marissa as slowly, knowing she didn't want to seem pushy, but she was curious.

"Beach first," Alex replied as she avoided eye contact and drove. With another frown Marissa turned her head to look at the road too and didn't bother to keep up the conversation. In a few minutes she could feel Alex becoming anxious, she kept glancing over, would open her mouth a little to start up a new conversation and then close it again, at one point she even started to bite her lower lip and appear pensive, the act slightly amusing Marissa but also making her confused that it was cute. Shaking her head she slouched into the seat more and looked out the window. She didn't want to talk, they didn't have to, and she had plenty of thoughts that kept bombarding her anyway.

"We're here," Alex said as the jeep came to a stop and she pulled up the emergency break. Marissa looked at the jeep, just realizing that it was a standard. It was peculiar that she hadn't noticed before, but Alex drove very smoothly and with confidence but she flinched thinking that she knew someone else who drove an automatic.

"Hey, you okay?" The former blonde said with clear worry.

"I'm fine," Marissa got out and closed her eyes for a second, knowing it came out snippy. They sat in the jeep for another second, both hesitant. It was a nice day out and Marissa felt that she was killing it or at least the potential for them to enjoy a nice day.

"Are you sure?" Alex replied in a patient tone as she turned in her seat to face her ex.

If I say no then it'll be a long conversation and no one really wants to know if a person isn't doing okay. I'm fine, I'm always fine, it'll be okay. It'll be okay.

"Marissa?" Alex asked a little more loud, trying to clearly edge her back.

"I'm fine, lets go," she said abruptly and got out of the car only to hear Alex shut her door a solid thirty seconds later after she had let out her own sigh.

"Marissa," Alex said with more force to the taller girl's back to prompt her to turn around.

"You know what, this might not be a good idea," Marissa said to the ocean, her back still turned.

"I just want to know if you're okay," was Alex's gentle reply.

"I said I'm fine," the college student said with some edge.

"And you think I can't tell when you're lying to me?" Alex said with more certainty, but still contained a soft tone.

"You want honesty?" Marissa said with anger as she turned around.

"If you wouldn't mind," Alex responded as she stood her ground, her hands in her pockets patiently waiting, not taking the bait to argue back.

"How about you tell me why you have to go when you get a call? Or why you were talking to Jodie?" Marissa said growing defensive.

"I really don't have to answer those but I will. After you tell me what's wrong," Alex said calmly and emphasized the word after.

"I'm fine," the taller woman said with narrowed eyes.

"Try again," Alex said with patience and continued to hold Marissa's gaze even though the ocean looked beautiful behind her.

The younger girl was becoming more irritated. Alex was known to wait when something mattered, she may seem hard but the girl incredibly understanding and in tune with the world that she seemingly tried to push away with her projected attitude.

"Accidents…they fucking happen. That's a fact," Marissa said coldly. Her voice seemed foreign to herself but she continued with another frown. "I feel emotionless and so fucking judgmental and cold that…I can rationalize it and say accidents happen," she said, stressing the words accidents happen and then softened her voice to say, "But they really shouldn't."

And she paused to stare at the ground that seemed so solid and sure of its foundation even though the ocean was so close and could take it apart.

"And…I feel cold-hearted that I think he wasn't doing much with his life. He smoked pot regularly, he hated his job…but everything I'm doing he doesn't get to do-eat, drive, read, see a movie…and I watched him die." She continued and her voice sounded surreal even to herself. "Watched seems passive doesn't it?" She said and she looked up at Alex who's eyes had enlarged.

"But I called out his name, I tried to reach out to him, the car…just hit us and I was moving closer to him but…" she stopped, her voice choking off and she pulled her arms around her tighter.

"Marissa…" Alex said in a whisper.

"So…like I said. I'm fine." Marissa said bitterly and turned towards the beach leaving Alex behind in shock.