Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Chapter 4 The Doctor vs The Fat Lady

We rejoin the Doctor at the entrance of the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Hello Fat Lady, how are you this fine day? I would very much like to see the inside of this common room, if you would be so kind to open the way for me."

The Fat Lady hmphed disgruntled with being called fat.

"I am not fat, I am merely big boned and I will not let anyone in who does not have a password despite your wily ways. It is not possible."

"Really, not even with a pretty, pretty, please on top? Additionally I did not mean to imply that you were fat I was merely told to address you as such by a lady in another portrait. I believe her name was Violet."

"Violet!" the Fat Lady screeched. "I knew she was no good. I should have known after she convinced me to drink 4 bottles of red wine. Now you, stay here until this is sorted out. I'll know if you leave."

"I bow to your wishes but what about the door, surely the students will need to leave?"

"Well yes I suppose so, but there are other ways to get out of the common room, this gives them the incentive to find them so toodledoo."

The Doctor felt like knocking his head against the door when all of a sudden a tall, grey-haired, strict looking woman came rushing up the stairs. "Who are you?"

Taking in the trademark glasses and tight bun, the Doctor bowed graciously and said "Professor Mcgonagall it is an honour to meet you though perhaps not in these slightly suspicious circumstances."

"That was not my question. Who are you? If you do not answer promptly as the Transfigurations teacher I have the authority to turn you into any animal of my choosing."

"Emm."

"I'm waiting, I believe a meerkat would be a good look on you." Mcgonagall looked at the Doctor twirling her wand.

"I'm the Doctor, had a slight directional issue, just visiting until I can find my transport again."

"Ah, I know who you are. Albus informed me of your unscheduled visit. He also inferred you would bring trouble, and all I have seen so far is evidence of that statement."

"ME? I'm not trouble, never."

"I have been deputy headmistress for a long time, Mr. Doctor, I am aware when I am being lied to."

"Just Doctor is fine with me."

"Be that as it may your name is my primary concern at the moment. I must ask you of your involvement in the common room guardian activating wards that are currently blocking the entrance and exit of my students' Common Room. "

"Nope, not my fault. That was all the Fat Lady, I mean I might have influenced her decision her to leave but the ward thing not my idea."

"Again do not attempt to limit your part in this absurd situation, I have dealt with the Weasley twins, I can also deal with you, Mr. Doctor –"

"Just the Doctor."

"- but I have a responsibility to my students. I will deal with your role in this later and just because you are not a student does not mean that you will not receive punishment. However their well-being must be my first priority."

"Right you are, I will do all I can to help."

"I think you should let me deal with this and limit any further involvement."

The minor squabble was interrupted by the growing queue leading up to the door to the common room. "You," Mcgongall shouted acknowledging the growing queue of people trying to enter the Common Room, "Mr Higgins find the portrait of sir Cadogan and tell him to come here at once, it's not ideal but he should be able to at least open the wards."

Satisfied to have found at least a temporary solution McGonagall made a move to leave the corridor and contact Dumbledore but an alarm had begun to sound.

"Professor, may I enquire to the nature of this alarm?"

Too distracted to notice who had asked the question Mcgonagall replied, "The wards are telling me people are attempting to climb out the windows and I bet I know who they are."

"Ooh I bet I know too." The Doctor piped up childishly.

The Professor annoyed at being faced yet again with another absurd situation, turned to face the protagonist of the whole saga. "And how would you, a complete stranger know that?

"I am a very good judge of character especially with people I've never met."

10 seconds later three figures on brooms came racing toward the rapidly growing crowd, stopping any further protests from Mcgonagall much to the disappointment of the rapidly growing crowd.

"Hey Minnie, what's happening with the wards, we had to jump out the window onto brooms to get out?" Ron asked obliviously.

"Why must it always be you three and 10 points from Gryffindor for the use of that horrible nickname and 20 for the frankly dangerous mode of transport you used to escape rather than waiting for an alternative solution."

"This time it wasn't our fault the entire house nominated us. Well strictly speaking they nominated Harry, but we know leaving him alone never turns out well."

"One question, Mr Weasley, why a window, did you even attempt to use the floo?" Mcgonagall asked in a defeated tone.

"Emm we didn't think about it?"

Both Harry and Ron looked sheepish remembering an eerily familiar situation where lack of flooing equalled dangerous magical transportation and a telling off.

"Well I thought about it but these idiots were too stupid to let me finish my sentence." Hermione's response gave McGonagall the answer to why the sanest one of the trio didn't manage to stop them.

Before any more scolding could take place, a high pitched scream was heard, followed by a series of loud bangs on the common room door.

"Well , thanks for this chat Professor and random stranger who's trying to get into our common room, but that's my call." Harry gave a salute to the perplexed crowd, executed a perfect 180 turn and shot out the nearest window.

"Oh I bet he's doing it again, playing the hero." Hermione said exasperated.

"He'll never learn, you know that by now, Mione."

"Yeah, we'd better go and see what trouble he's got himself into now. But before that…"

The Doctor watched all of this with his signature boyish grin only to be confronted by two wands.

"What's so funny about screaming exactly, are you a death eater?"

"What? No." at the words of death eater, the hordes of Gryffindor students lining the halls woke from their lacksadaisical states and became more alert.

"Prove it."

Ok, no dark mark check, no wand check, no ability to do magic check, no desire to bow down to a half dead skeleton check, between you and me he looks more like an alien than half the aliens I have met. Besides who splits their soul into seven. Stupid thing to do, gives new meaning to the phrase poor soul doesn't it?"

"How did you know that?"

"Emm, magic. I'm a…. I'm a… Oh yes I know, I'm a seer, I see things."

"Yeah right. You just said you didn't have magic."

"You can see things without magic, can't you Hermione?"

"Perhaps but I still don't trust you and what did you say about aliens."

"Never mind who I am for the minute, I thought you were having a crisis."

"He has a point." one of the first years pointed out.

"Shut it firstie."

"Ron," complained Hermione her hand automatically landing on Ron's wrist.

Professor McGonagall felt this was the best time to step in before the situation could get worse. "I don't believe you are a death eater, Voldemort would kill you after 2 seconds in the same room as you but I hope you won't feel offended if Hermione here escorts you until, what did you say, until your directional mistake can be fixed?"

"Offended? Of course not. I get to spend time with Miss Granger, the best brain of her generation"

"Thank you Doctor"

The moment of appreciation was spoilt by Colin's shout,

"I'll give you three signed pictures if you just get back in the room Colin, , this is not worth getting a picture for, Colin, I'm going to…"

The statement was never finished as the distinctive voice of Harry Potter stopped and a thud was heard.

"Not to step on anyone's toes but I think we should check that out."

"Yes, you are right and someone run to Pomfrey,, tell her we have another PS (potter situation) she'll prepare the Hospital Wing"