No Such Thing As Love
I sighed deeply taking in Greg's scent. I rolled over onto the empty pillow next to me burying my face in it. I loved the way he smelled…wait, love? I guess it was okay to think that way about a scent. I looked up suspiciously making sure no one had seen that. I was alone. No sounds, no people, nothing except a scent on a pillow. I sat up pulling up the shade. It had stopped raining for the time being but the heavy clouds floated by forebodingly. I walked over to the shower lazily rubbing my eyes and stretching. The clothes falling on the floor behind me left a trail all the way to the bathroom, where I shut the door behind me.
The hot water running over my skin felt soothing as I stood there, wondering how long I could get away with it. Eventually the hot water heater would run out, and I would be miserable. I finished up and turned the water off. Drying off, I got dressed and began picking up the apartment. I found my thoughts creeping over to Gregory. Where had he gone? Why hadn't I heard from him? It wasn't really his style to leave notes and that kind of thing. He was more of the 'just show up kind.' I shouldn't even really be wondering where he was, he probably left after I fell asleep. Those were the rules after all.
I looked over at the calendar hanging over the phone and saw that my next therapy appointment was in less than an hour. My lazy morning turned frantic as I got some things together and left. Before long I was sitting in the yellow waiting room looking around anxiously. I wondered where the sudden anxiety had come from. I was fine before I got here. I wondered if it wasn't this office that made me crazy, and not the things that had happened to me. Linda called me back and I met Dr. Snider at her desk.
"You look different," she said immediately.
"Do I?" I asked looking at myself. I looked a little thrown together, but not any more different than usual.
"So how was your date," she asked.
"Um, fine. Did you want to see my proof?" I asked slightly smug.
"No, I can see it."
I frowned, "what do you mean?"
"You look like someone who's in a relationship."
"I wouldn't go that far."
"Oh?" she asked.
"I mean we talk," I began trying to think of something other than the sex that we did on a regular basis. "We even have meals together sometimes, but it's nothing serious." I said feeling strangely as the words left my mouth.
"What's the matter?" She asked, sympathetically.
"I think I'm going to have to reschedule, I'm not feeling well."
"Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that. I only had one question for you this week."
"I think I can handle that."
"Have you had the dreams about Jesse since we last met?" She asked cautiously.
It was like someone had punched me and my chest shrank as I drew in a long breath trying to push out the instant pain at the mention of his name.
"I know it's painful, but I'm just trying to see if were making any progress," she said.
I spooled over last week and I hadn't thought of him once. Oh my word, I hadn't though of him once…I never thought there would be a day when I didn't think about him. I had gone a whole week! Oh no, was I forgetting him? At that thought I remembered his face and the memories that were permanently burned into my brain.
"I didn't think about him at all last week," I said feeling horrible.
"Don't do this Maggie."
"Do what?" I asked turning my gaze toward her.
"Don't feel guilty for living your life, he died not you."
The crippling words she spoke so easily left me feeling like I would collapse.
"It's normal to move on, you have taken a long time to work your way through your feelings, and it's normal to want more for your life." She said seeming almost proud of me.
Did I want more for my life? Suddenly my mind was racing with questions, guilt and an aching that I could pin point.
"I really have to go," I said getting to my feet.
"Listen to me Maggie, I want to sit down and talk about all of this soon, no more than three days, understand?" She asked sternly. She meant what she said and the worry lines on her face led me to believe that she genuinely cared about my well-being.
I nodded not feeling like I could speak. I walked out of the office and looked at my watch. I had to get going to work. It was a welcome distraction from the pain that was still freely flowing through my veins reaching every part of my body with ice cold reality.
My job was dull at best. I worked with the school district in an enrollment office, filing, verifying information and making sure my school site's enrollment numbers were where they should be. I didn't deal with people directly which was a huge plus. My small closet of an office was connected to the main office so I saw kids and people walking by all day long.
As I walked into the busy office I walked by the main clerks and into my little area. It was a busy morning and I willingly threw myself into the stack of papers on my desk. I sifted through them one at a time getting what I needed for each and getting them put away properly. I was half way through with them when Norma walked in, an older woman from the health office.
"How was your weekend?" She asked.
"Uneventful," I answered quickly faking a smile.
"Well there's a surprise," Lexi said appearing in my doorway. I sighed with annoyance. She was wearing her usual chesty top that displayed her 'finer points' and leggings with cut off shorts. She was in her early twenties and dressed like she was thirteen.
"My family had a huge camp out with over a hundred people Friday night. We all drank and hung out. Then the younger crowd ditched and went clubbing out by this cool new place." She said making sure to stab me with every exciting detail. Her family was rich and she often had these grand adventures and made sure to tell everyone about them so we could all feel like we were less then. Especially me, she always made sure to rub my nose in her exciting and wealthy life. She flipped her dark red hair around, batting her glittery over done eye lashes at me.
"My word," Norma said looking away from me. Lexi turned around looking in the same direction Norma was starring. I stood up to see what the commotion was. Walking through the front door-in a black leather riding jacket and designer shades-was Gregory. He breezed through the door, his gaze finding me as if he had me on some kind of radar.
"Don't these guys understand that I'm married?" Lexi laughed, teasing her hair flirtatiously. A group of kids came walking into the office. Greg walked right past the office hustle and bustle and stopped right in front of us.
"Hi," he said looking at me.
"Well hi, what can I do for you today?" Lexi said lacing her words with double meanings and sexual undertones. I rolled my eyes wondering how much more of her young and ridiculous behavior I would have to endure.
"Well I'm not in need of a prostitute, so nothing today."
Norma's mouth gaped open as I stood there stunned. Lexi squinted at him angrily.
"This is a school you can't talk like that here," she growled. She huffed off in a temper tantrum looking for the first person she could find to complain to.
"You know I have some things in the health office I have to tend to," Norma said, still awestruck.
"I'll catch up with you later." Norma said, as she scurried off not looking back.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, pulling him into my office. The smell of his leather jacket was enough to raise my spirits slightly.
"You weren't at your apartment. I thought you could eat," he added holding up a bag of take out.
"Are you her daddy?" One of the students walking by my door asked.
Greg looked up and me and smiled devilishly.
"Why yes I am," he said not breaking my gaze. I glowered at him, silently warning him.
"I'm going to take her home for lunch," he said looking down at the unsuspecting student.
I gulped hard hoping that he would rein in his inappropriateness long enough for me to get him out of here before he got me fired or worse.
"Ready?" he asked looking at me innocently.
"Just a sec," I said reaching behind my desk for my purse.
"Better hurry… or I'll spank you," he said with a threatening and flirtatious tone. I looked up at him feeling the heat rise in my face. I should be furious that he showed up at my place of work and caused this kind of a scene, but I wasn't. For some sick reason I was actually turned on by this renegade behavior.
He was smiling a crooked smile, his eyes daring me to follow him out the door.
"Norma, I'm going out for lunch. I'll be back in a bit," I called into her office as we walked by.
"I wouldn't count on it," Gregory said walking behind me.
"Will you stop?" I whispered.
He grabbed my shoulders and led me out of the office. He threw away the bag he had walked in with into a trash can just outside of the office door.
"Why did you just throw away lunch?" I asked.
"I found that bag outside of your office. I'm not sure what was in it. It was a cover any way, in case someone asked me what I was doing here."
"Clever." I said somewhat impressed.
As we walked away from the office I instinctively reached out for his hand when he suddenly jerked away from me.
"What's the matter?" I asked slight panic over taking me.
"I'm not in love with you," he said suddenly. He said crazy things all the time, it was part of his charm, but this was an odd thing to just blurt out. It was like some one had flipped a switch and he was someone else now.
"Any particular reason you felt like blurting this out?" I asked looking about. No one was around and we were far enough away from my office so that no one would hear us.
"We're not in grade school, we're not going steady and we are not in a relationship," he said his voice elevating slightly.
I looked at him puzzled. None of this made any sense. Why was he bringing this up now? I didn't understand.
"Seriously, what is your problem?" I asked not understanding. One minute we were fine and now he was this person. I could handle his out bursts and even most of his moody behavior, but this was over the top.
"I think your getting too into this," he said.
"What are you talking about?" I asked irritated and slightly angered.
"You're holding onto my hand as if I just said I'd take you to prom," he exclaimed.
That was a crack at my age and it was enough to send me over the top. I felt another kind of strong emotion surfacing as I stood there in front of him.
"Look, you're the one that has been breaking the rules faster than we can lay them down. We had an agreement, which I made good on." I raged.
"Urgh, welcome to hell," he said throwing his head back.
"I can't handle your mood swings any more, I'm through. I don't love you either! Thanks for the laughs and the sex." I said.
"Stop with all of this love crap," he shouted.
"There's no such thing!" I shouted back at him. He looked at me angered and surprised as I turned on my heel and walked away.
I went home after our argument not able to face the rest of the day at work. I had plenty of sick days on the books and decided I would cash in on some of it today, and maybe the rest of the week. I sat on my sofa spooning mint chip ice cream into my mouth like it was about to be made illegal, wishing I had a cat or something to keep me company. I'd gotten up earlier to run the dishwasher just so I would have some kind of background noise. I felt angry, alone and hurt as I sat there. I wasn't crying but I wanted to. Maybe I had started dating too soon. When would I be ready? Two years? Three years? Maybe never at this rate. I could be okay with that. I could get a…fern. Then if that wasn't too much trouble I could look into a cat or some other kind of animal to help fill the space around here.
I set the empty carton on my coffee table and tugged at the quilt that draped the back of my sofa. The last coherent thought I had was of what color cat I could get when I felt my heavy eyes shut finally.
Buzz went my doorbell. I shot up in a flash looking around and taking stock over where I was. I was still on the sofa and someone was at the door. I let my eyes focus trying to read the time on the DVD player. Three thirty am? There was only one person it could be at this hour and I didn't know if I could deal with it right now. Maybe I'd pretend I wasn't home.
"I know your home," Gregory said as if he were reading my thoughts.
I groaned as I put my feet on the floor and walked to the door. I opened it slightly scowling at him with the angriest look I could muster with sleep in my eyes.
"What do you want?"
"I figured you'd had some time to think things over and you'd probably be ready to apologize." He said wide awake.
I began to shut the door when his hand caught it before I could slam it in his face.
"Why do you think I'm here?" he asked; with that same sarcasm that I was becoming more and more familiar with. I eyed him curiously. He opened the door enough to slip inside as I stood there still holding it.
"Won't you come in," I said to the empty hall way.
"I underestimated you."
"If this is your idea of an apology, it's pretty awful," I said.
He set his cane down and took off his riding jacket, it still smelled fantastic.
"I know why you're in therapy."
I held my breath, there was no way I could handle this.
"We have to get into this right now?" I asked trying to sway him away from it even though I knew it was no use.
"You were dumped," he said looking at me. He was pretty smug and it made me feel even better to completely annihilate his theory.
"You would be wrong, and that is better than apology." I said. I stared at his surprised face.
"I'm going to figure it out, even if I have to break into your therapist's office."
"Can you please just leave, it's late and I don't want to be an accomplice to whatever you're up to," I said still sleepy.
"You could just tell me why you're in therapy then there wouldn't be a crime," he said.
"I thought you wanted to guess it?" I yawned.
"I changed my mind."
"Well that's not going to happen." I replied, combing my hands through my hair with exasperation.
He took a step closer to me his hands rubbing my arms.
"Just drop it, this is one of those personal issues, you know the ones we weren't going to discuss." I said reminding him.
"You win this round," he said looking down at me with his sparkling eyes.