Gail wonders if she should have ordered the extra cheese curds on her poutine. She pokes at it with her fork, studying it intently. Why does everything have to be so complicated? She looks up to see Holly watching her over the turkey sandwich she is holding in both hands. She knows she has been avoiding conversation or even looking at Holly since they sat down. She just feels so raw. She isn't sure if that is better than feeling nothing, but here she is. Everything is so wrong, and yet this thing with Holly, whatever it is, feels so right, and that alone still scares the shit out of her. Holly puts her sandwich down.
"You have the worst diet. You know that, right?" Holly teases, while stealing one of her fries.
"I don't know what you are talking about" Gail replies "I could just be eating cheese puffs."
Holly reaches across the table to touch the back of Gail's hand. Gail waits for her to say something, anything, but Holly just sits there looking at her with an even gaze that gives nothing away. Gail doesn't pull away. She discovers that she had no interest in eating, the contact of Holly's fingertips on her skin is suddenly wildly distracting.
"Can we get out of here?"
"Sure" says Holly motioning the waitress for the check.
After they pay and leave. Gail doesn't head back to the car. She just wants to walk for a while, to clear her head, to help her shake off the darkness, to try to restore her equilibrium. Holly walks next to her in silence, hands in the pockets of her coat their shoulders nearly touching. Gail is glad she's here, and that surprises her, in a good way. When her headache is almost gone, Gail finally allows the bitter cold to drive her back to Holly's car. They sit for a while, engine running, heat on before Gail finally says anything.
"Can you take me home?"
"Ok," Holly replies, beginning to head in the direction of Gail's apartment
Holly's hand is warm in hers. Comforting. It anchors her into her body, and keeps her demons at bay, for now. While at the diner, Chris had called to give her an update. Chloe was still in a medically induced coma, the clot in her neck hadn't moved, and Sam was still in ICU, clinging to life by a thread. On the up side, Oliver was going to be released in the morning and was recovering from his traumatic brain injury better than anyone had hoped. She sighs and yawns, trying to keep her eyes open. As they pull up to her apartment she realizes that no one else is at home. Why is it always so hard for her to ask for anything she needs?
"Come up?" is all she can manage, heart pounding ridiculously in her chest. In the morning, she might have some explaining to do, but she realizes, she just didn't care. She licks her lips nervously and waits.
"Alright" Holly finally says
Gail leads the way, up the stairs, through the kitchen and into the tiny back bedroom she calls home. Seeing Holly standing there by the bed makes Gail's stomach do flip-flops. She stands there for a moment unable to think, unable to move. Holly steps forward, closing the gap between them.
"Are you ok?" She asks, brown eyes full of concern
"Its just so hard..." Gail says, voice trailing off, folding her arms in front of her chest. "I hate being afraid. It makes me mean" she finally manages, each word a struggle to push out. She can't look at Holly.
Holly sits on the edge of her bed and lets her continue.
"I mean, Oliver just walks right into danger. I thought we were going to die. But then again, there are worse things..." Gail takes a deep breath and seems to pull into herself.
Holly doesn't dare to move or even to breathe, knowing that Gail is telling her more than she ever admitted to anyone.
"Sometimes, I wake up and I can't see anything, and I just lay there listening for his footsteps to come for me again, and then I remember I'm here…" Gail shutters and licks her lips, "And my own fucking mother finds out that I'm safe through the fucking dispatch and can't even be bothered to visit me once, not once..." she continues, bitterness creeping into her voice.
Gail has never spoken like this before, but Holly has heard the story of her abduction through the grapevine. Just the thought of someone hurting her makes Holly's blood run cold. It makes her draw a sharp breath that makes Gail stop. Finally, Gail turns to look at her.
"Please," she whispers "please touch me."
Holly reaches for her, pulling her forward by her hips, sliding her hands up Gail's back under her shirt in a way that sets Gail's body on fire. Gail steps into Holly, with no more room for thought as Holly stands up pulling Gail's shirt over her head in one swift motion. She leans into her, their lips meet, causing a low vibration in the back of Gail's throat that sounds half way between a moan and a whimper. She reaches for Gail's belt, breathing hard, as Gail kisses her harder and fumbles with the buttons on her shirt. With one more tug, Holly unzips Gail's jeans and sends them down around Gail's knees. Gail's breath is coming in short gasps as Holly twirls them both around pushing her onto the bed. Gail lays there naked, watching silently as Holly steps back to remove her own pants and bra. And then reaching up, Gail pulls her on to the bed, skin meeting skin, lips to lips. Holly is like medicine to her. With each touch, with each kiss, Gail feels like less of a ghost, more solid, more real. As they devour each other with a passion fueled by fear and sorrow, and need, Holly takes her in. She meets Gail's eyes and doesn't turn away, and Gail knows she has finally found somebody who sees her.
A cool breeze carrying with it the scent of snow through Gail's window caresses her bare shoulders as she awakens warm and safe under her down comforter, still wrapped in intoxicating soft skin and strong arms that hold her, even in sleep. Holly. This is Holly, she remembers, the hint of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Freezing rain mixed with wet snow beats on the roof. Gail doesn't ever want to move, to open her eyes and return to the chaos of the world. She sighs and shifts slightly. Holly cuddles in closer. Warm breath and soft lips brush Gail's neck. She opens her eyes to find Holly's face just inches from her own. In the cool, grey light of morning, Holly gazes into eyes that are the color of rain.
"Hey, good morning." Gail whispers
"Mmmmm..." Holly tilts her head and leans in slightly to kiss Gail gently, full of sweetness, firm, and soft. When Holly smiles at her with eyes full of unspoken warmth and welcome, Gail feels like she has finally come home.