I step out of the shower behind him and take his arm gently. "Sean, baby, I don't want to fight. I am really tired, seriously. All that is going on with Branch and Henry. All the cases we are working. I am exhausted"

I didn't dare mention Walt because it would start round two of tempers flaring but Walt is at the forefront of my mind and my heart. I love my husband and I know I love Walt but I am not sure what kind of love it is.

Sean turns and faces me and I can see the frustration on his face. "Babe, I don't want to fight either but I know I can't go on like this. I never thought we would end up like this, you know. "

I covered myself with my towel and put on my robe that had been hanging on the door.

"Yeah, I know."

"Vic, I don't like leaving you here by yourself when I have to go on my business trips and I hate it now that Ed Gorski has come back out of thin air. I am scared for you but I know you can protect yourself. We always have been apart because of my job and you know it's never been easy for me to be married to a cop. We have a lot to talk about."

I sit and listen to Sean. Just being still for a moment and relaxing into myself, I face my greatest truth about the division in my heart. I want to be safe, protected and loved. I need that, no crave, all of those at once. How can I separate myself like this?

Sean leans over and kisses me very gently on the lips.

"Let's go away for a couple of days. Maybe getting away from all of this will do us some good."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Let's just drive, Sean. I need to get away and spend some time with you. No distractions, ok?"

"I have a week before I go back out so let's do it. You want to go now?"

"Let me call work. The timing isn't good but we need this."

I grab my cell out of my war bag and call the office. Walt, needs a cell phone I think to myself, this shit is ridiculous. Ruby answers and transfers me to Walt.

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Um, those days off I asked about. I need to sorta take those now."

"Ok."

There is that penetrable silence between us and at that moment I realize that I want him to protest but I know he won't.

Walt breaks the silence, "See you next week?"

I bite my lip sort of unsure but I reply, "Yeah, see you next week. Hey Walt, thank you."

"Yup"

He hangs up first and I feel like shit. I am walking away from him when he needs me most but I need this time with Sean more. I feel more divided than ever because it is very clear to me that I love two men and this ain't Utah and I ain't a man so this shit ain't never gonna work.