hello hello everyone! i'm back again with a new chapter especially for you!

first i have to confess that i was a little disappointed from the amount of reviews for last week's chapter, i really thought you'd like it. so i thought to wait a little bit longer with this week chapter just to try over look things and catch up with next week's chapter but then i decided to just go ahead, publish chapter 4 and cross my fingers and hope that you'll like it.

so here it is. and I really looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

I also do want to thank the ones that did review. you guys are really awesome and you write such an amazing and interesting stuff so don't hold back. it really makes me feel better about the story.

so that's all for now.

enjoy! (IT'S A LONG ONE!) :)

"Hey!, HEY! Wait a second there princess xena", Sawyer chased after her down the beach until he finally reached out to her and stopped her in her way, "want to tell me what all this is about?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean!?, 5 minutes ago you were all in my head telling me not to go to the hell search and suddenly you're sharpening you're knifes and running into the line of fire! What's going on?", he raised his voice in front of her frustrated.

"Sawyer.." she sighed heavily, looking at the man in front of her she was battling inside, wondering if she should lie or just tell him the truth. lying always came so naturally to her but looking at his eyes something inside of her didn't let her take that step, she already knew the minute it starts it's only downhill from there, "we were there"

"What?, there where?"

"Our seats.. We bought the tickets at the last minute so they put us in the back of the plane. We were in the tail section before the crash", Kate said sadly looking at the sand.

"So how'd ya ended up here?"

Kate raised her gaze and chuckled sadly, her eyes slowly weathering, "Eli needed to use the bathroom for the tenth time.. That's how we got separated"

"Hey it's ok", Sawyer reached for her hand trying to comfort her, "if you would have stayed at those seats you would probably be lying now in the bottom of the ocean-"

Kate cut him out with her harsh gazed shaking her head in disbelief, 'this guy was a jerk' she thought, "MY husband WAS there Sawyer. He did stay there!"

"Hey come on freckles, you know I didn't mean it that way-"

"You know what Sawyer I really don't care what you meant", she said bitterly and walked passed him, "if you going to the tail section I'm coming with you"

The lift doors opened up and the view in front of her was too familiar, it was always hectic around those halls, people were running everywhere and the beeping sounds from the different rooms always annoyed her. She dozed off ignoring everything that's happening around, her legs were taking her through her usually path until she finally reached the door.

"Excuse me", she heard behind her, "you can't go in there". She turned around to see a porky young blonde girl looking straight at her.

"I'm sorry?". Kate asked taking a step forward the young women looking her over.

"Do you have an appointment?", she said cockily, Kate noticing her bothered expression.

"No, but-"

"Then you can't go in", she cut her off.

"I'm sure if-",Kate tried again.

"Hey listen! You're not the first one to try to go in without an appointment, so don't even try it. If you want I can write your details down and someone will get back at you if we have any openings, but I doubt it, because I don't see anything available for at least 4 months", finally the blonde girl looked back at Kate too pleased with herself to Kate's liking.

Kate looked at her back, still checking her up and down a small smile slightly showing on her lips. "You're new here right?"

"What?"

"Never mine..", Kate dismissed her with a wave of her hand, "fine.. Write me down than"

The woman in front of her grabbed a pen and looked pretty annoyed "name?"

"Her name is Mrs. Shephard..", both women turn around to see an older nurse coming their way until she stopped next to the blonde girl "and she doesn't need an appointment"

The blonde's eyes opened up sharply looking in shock at Kate her gaze quickly moving from her to the older nurse, "What.. You-"

"Rachel honey why don't you go finish with those files over there", the nurse said nicely clearly feeling the young woman's distress. In return the blonde quickly gathered her files and ran off to the back room. The nurse slowly turned around raising her eyebrows.

"what?", Kate shrugged and smiled teasingly, "come on Debra, They need to know what they're dealing with early on, it will only make things much easier down the road.. Less misunderstanding if you know what I mean "

"Don't worry honey", Debra laughed and walked around the counter towards Kate, "I'm keeping an eye on this one.." she hugged her tightly quickly making Kate feel better and at ease, "how are you feeling?", Debra said and pulled away.

"fine.. Tired and huge! But fine", Kate smiled back at her.

"Are you here for a checkup?"

"No.. Just came to see if he's still breathing.." Kate pointed at the door and chuckled, "and maybe get him to eat something".

"Well... he's not alone in there..." Debra said quietly raising her eyebrow like she was hinting Kate about a privet secret.

"Yeah I figured..." Kate signed heavily, "it's ok.. I came prepared", she smiled sweetly at the woman in front of her and walked towards the closed door

"Well.. Good luck then… you'll need it" Debra said and walked away.

Kate turned around to grab the handle and took a big breath preparing herself for what a waits for her behind that door. She quickly knocked two times. Not waiting for an answer she opened the door and walked in to the high class office. The office was full with papers, files and X-rays everywhere and the two doctors in front of her were clearly in the middle of a long and a very loud argument. They didn't even notice her walking in so she waited a few more seconds but they still didn't acknowledge her, too busy bickering at each other. "Ding. Ding. Ding, in your corners boys", she finally spoke up smiling at them as they turned around looking at her in shock.

"What are you doing here Kate?"

"Nice to see you too, Christian", she smiled at her father in law.

Jack flashed his father a disapproving glare shaking his head and walked to Kate giving her a small peck on the lips. "Hey sweetie is everything ok?" he asked and to Kate's please his hand quickly caressed her rounded belly, an act that seemed like a second nature to him by now. After all this time she was still amazed of how much concerned and love he could transmit to her in his small gestures. It took her a while to understand the man in front of her, a few long fights and a lot of frustration but along the way they managed to develop their own secret, quiet, language that only they understood. It only took a deep look in the eyes or a light caress, and that was enough.

"of course. I came baring breakfast.." she smiled at him and gestured to the food in her hand, "Something tells me you skipped that today and probably dinner last night, am I wrong?"

Jack chuckled lowering his head in shame, "no.."

"Thought so..", she nodded and winked at her husband.

Christen looked at them, his disapproval was clear in his face and voice, "I'm sorry Kate but we are in the middle of something and we need to be-"

"ho don't worry Christian I brought something for you too!", she quickly cut him off waiving her hand and walking passed him the set the food down smiling towards him, "You like baloney right?"

The agitated silence in the room was obvious and Jack, looking between his father and his wife amused, was tightening his lips together trying to restrain the laugher that was itching to escape. Christian looking unimpressed with Kate amusement turned slowly towards Jack, "the parents should be here in 30 minutes Jack, I expect you to be there on time", he said and without waiting for an answer turned around and left the room.

"it was great seeing you Christian!", Kate yelled as her was closing the door and turned to Jack sarcastically, "he loves me"

"Actually I'm starting to think that in his weird twisted way he kinda does", Jack laughed.

"yeah right! He hates my guts Jack. And I have a five years long list of all his twisted ways to get rid of me to back me up on this"

"He can't get rid of you.. ", Jack said sweetly wrapping his arms around her from behind hugging her closer to his chest, "you're caring his granddaughter"

"Like he cares..", she turned around in his arms her words suddenly gaining a slightly concerned meaning to Jack, "And even so.. It's only for two more months.. Nothing is guaranteed after that.."

Jack looked lovingly at his wife while she tried to dodge his gaze playing nervously with his tie. He knew all about her concern towards her relationship with his father, it wasn't a good one- it never was. But nothing was news to him as his own relationship with his father never was on good terms. As years went by he always wished his father would come around with his relation with his wife, but sometimes it felt like it only gotten worse. Unlike his mother, that along the years had developed a secret liking towards Kate, Jack's father never approved their marriage and to Jack's new concerned - his daughter. Jack lifted Kate's chin with his finger forcing her to look at him. They locked a meaningful gaze for a few seconds and with sad smile Jack nudged Kate towards the couch, "come here". As they sat down Jack quickly enveloped her in his arms and gave her a slow and sweet kiss, trying to push her worries a way, "hey", he said quietly pulling away and showing her his best handsome smile.

"Hey yourself", she shook her head and frowned to him teasingly; "Jack was it!?"

Jack chuckled slowly, happy to see his wife mood turning playful again "I'm sorry I wasn't home last night babe, I just have a lot going on with this surgery"

"And the night before that..", she raised her eyebrow to him

"And the night before that ..", he rubbed the back of his head clearly ashamed of himself.

"And… the night before that .."

Jack raised his head sharply, "what!?, no, I was home.."

"oh really?", Kate chuckled in disbelief

"yeah I came really late and just crashed on the couch "

"Why?", she frowned, "Did you just assumed you'd be in trouble"

Jack recognized his wife's - not so angry but still not so pleased with him - tone of voice so he smiled at her, "no.. I actually came to bed… but you looked so peaceful and I know how difficult it is for you to fall asleep lately so I didn't want to disturbed you"

Kate knew he was trying to butter her up and usually it wouldn't have worked for him but she missed him too much the past week due to his crazy work schedule and those crazy hormones didn't help her either, "well.. As my husband you should know already that I sleep better in your arms"

Jack smirked at her in return, "As your husband- I know how much you love your sleep"

"Fine...", she smirked at him in return but then slowly turned serious, "but just don't do that again ok.. I barely see you as it is these days.. I miss you"

"I know, I miss you", Jack rubbed her upper arm, "I just can't wait to get this surgery over with"

"That bad?"

"It's harder than I thought", Jack shook his head looking towards the X-rays in display, " ... and she's so small... It's just really-"

"Hey", Kate caressed his face recognizing her husband's walls starting to crumble, she made him focus on her eyes and looked at him deeply, "you're ready for this… You worked so hard for the past two weeks-"

"Yeah but I wish they would have brought her earlier.. It shouldn't have gotten this bad"

"Jack, you can't change that now.", she took his face in her hands again, "And you can't let yourself get distracted by stuff you don't have any control of. The only thing you can do for that little girl is the best in that OR and I know that exactly what you'll do. I believe in you.", she gave him her best loving looked and smiled at him sweetly.

Jack looked at her desperately. Taking her words in, he let it fill him up with warm and comfort. She slowly felt him taking her in his arms, hugging her tightly, pushing her towards him and inhaling her scent deeply. He kissed the top of her head and like a reflex the baby started kicking between them. With the feeling of his two girls in his arms He felt like the luckiest man in the world and thanked inside to whatever great force that brought her into his life, "Thank you".

"Hey sweetie", Kate said as she entered Claire's tent. Eli was sitting on the makeshift bed playing but quickly raising her head as she heard her mother's voice.

"Mommy!, look what I made", Eli smiled her cutest smile and showed her a necklace she made with one of many stones she collected.

"Its beautiful bunny", she kneeled next to her.

"I made one for you, one for daddy, and me!" she pointed at two necklaces that were around her neck and held the third one towards her mother, "put't on, mommy!" , She said, and as always Kate obeyed.

"Thank you honey, I love it", Kate smiled.

"I'll save that one for daddy around my neck! So when he'll be-back today I'll give it to him", Eli smiled.

Kate looked at her daughter and her heart broke into pieces, she knew she was going to break her daughter hopes and it killed her. Battling inside what she should do her thoughts immediately turned to Jack, 'he would have known what to do- he was better at this'. But then again if he was here she wouldn't be having this problem. She looked back at Eli, who looked so happy thinking she's going to see her dad any minute now. With a big sigh she turned to look at Claire that smiled at her sadly. "Eli, come here" Kate said and pulled her to sit on her lap. "I know.. That you thought that daddy is going to come back today but… I.. I don't think it's going to happened." She tried to explain but with raising her gazed to look at Eli's expression, her big eyes looking straight at her and it felt like torture.

"B..But why?".

"It's complicated sweetie", Kate shook her head and tried to smile, "…. I'm sure that daddy would have wanted to be here with us.. But he can't right now"

"Why?", Eli asked again

Kate sighed, "I.. I don't.. I'm sorry baby but I … I can't really-", she caressed her head not sure what to tell her daughter, so she decided to try a different approach - the Jack approach- honesty. He never talked to Eli like the 4 year old that she was, he always was so fascinated about her thoughts and feeling and always talked to her in pure honest that sometimes made Kate nervous but she couldn't deny that her heart didn't melt all those nights when she would caught them in the middle of a heart to heart discussion in Eli's small bed right before falling a sleep. She never interrupted them, hiding in the hall she used to hear Jack's happiness through those conversations secretly knowing that quality in him came from the complicated relationship he had with his father.

"Mommy?", Eli's voice broke her thought and brought her back.

Kate took another big sigh and turned to Eli, "I'm going with Sawyer, Locke and Sayid and I need you to stay here with Claire and listen to everything she tells you, Ok?"

"For ho'long, mommy?"

"I'm not sure"

"Are you going to bring Daddy home?..", Eli looked deep in her mother's eyes.

'Honesty Kate', she thought, "I don't know bunny but I am going to look for him and I hope I'll find him, but I don't want you getting your hopes up ok? It a big island and maybe it'll take longer to find him"

"do't worry mommy, you'll find daddy", Eli gave Kate a big smile.

"Yeah? You think so?", Kate smiled back at her daughter.

"Yes mommy", Eli said like it was the most obvious thing in the world which immediately made Kate restored her own fate, "Daddy can't be away from as for that long!"

Kate laughed and tickled her daughter, "when did you managed to grow up so fast"

"Eli why don't you come here and make me one of those necklaces, they're very beautiful", Claire said after a few minutes not wanting to interrupt the scene in front of her.

"'k", Eli said and started to work while Claire went towards Kate.

"Are you sure you're ok with this I can- ", Kate sighed.

"Kate it's really not a problem", Claire smiled, "Just be careful out there"

"I will", She nodded and turned to look at her daughter, "I just hope I'll have some good news for her when I'm back"

"Me too"

"Hey bunny, come here." She called Eli. And Eli immediately ran toward her mother's open arms and hugged her tight, "I love you so much baby", Kate said.

"Wove you too mommy, I be good girl!"

"Thank you bunny" she stood up and left Claire's tent waving a final goodbye. She immediately spotted them when she walked out, Sawyer, Locke and Sayid were standing near the edge of the jungle with their packs and bottles of water. She pulled her own backpack on her shoulder and walk quickly towards them battling with all of her strength not to turn around, knowing if she would she would never be able to leave her daughter, so she just kept on going towards the men.

"I'm ready", she said earning all men gazes on her.

"Are you sure about this freckles", Sawyer said.

"Why are you asking me this again Sawyer?"

"Maybe because of your daughter", John said looking straight at her pulling his pack on his back.

"Excuse me!?", Kate said offended.

"Don't you think it's better if you stayed here with your daughter", John said back.

"do you have any kids Locke?", Kate looked at him annoyed as he shook his head, "then don't tell me what's better for my daughter"

"Fare enough"

"Kate", Sayid tried, this time taking a calmed approach with her, "what we're trying to say is that it's not going to be easy and we don't even know what's out there – but whatever it is, it's not good. If we catch up with that thing…, I don't want anything to happen to the only mother on the Island. So go back, be with your daughter. And let us do the searching.

"Can we go now?", Kate said not showing any interest in his word and the men gave up.

"Follow me", Locke said, and the group entered into the jungle.

It was late or rather very early but she knew even before she opened her eyes that the sun wasn't even out yet. She slowly opened her eyes rubbing them and yawning, trying to focus on the alarm clock on the bedside table. It read 2:54, and the red light lightened the room, she signed and closed her eyes once more- she needed to go to the bathroom again but in sheer laziness she just turned around. Kate didn't need to reach toward his side, she already knew he wasn't there; his body heat was missing through the sheets as it usually was these couple of weeks. So she opened her eyes and to no surprise his side of the bed was untouched. The too well known feeling of desperation and frustration rushed to her chest, making her feel lonely yet again. Not wanting to dwell on her own depression she slowly reached her legs to the side of the bed and walked clumsy to the bathroom.

After Kate was done she washed her face and admired her rounded belly in the mirror one last time before going back to bed but just as she reached to lift the covers there was a loud noise from somewhere inside the apartment. She froze and waited to hear anything else but nothing came, so she turned their bedroom light on and looked outside the room into the hallway feeling a little insane. She took a big breath and slowly with a few steps down the hallway, her bare feet touching the cold floor, she felt her heart pounding faster and faster and her hand caressed her belly protectively without her awareness. Suddenly she noticed a line of bright light and some thuds coming out from their empty, spare, bedroom which they planned to make into a nursery once Jack will take some time off work. She walked to the door slowly and quietly opening it further she was surprised with what she saw.

Jack was inside, looking very disturbed, his jacket was lying on the floor, and with his dress shirt sleeves rolled up and tie loose around his neck he was pacing around the room. Only stopping above the half open package of the crib Margo, Jack's mother, had brought them a couple of months ago.

"Jack?" she called him calmly, trying not the startle him which didn't work since she saw him jump to the sound of her voice.

"Hey", he breathed out trying to calm himself down. He turned away from her, hiding his complex face but Kate knew him too well by now, "I'm sorry, did I wake you?, go back to sleep"

"you didn't wake me... when did you get home?", Kate took a step towards him but he immediately took one back.

"I… haa… about half an hour ago I think… I'm not sure", he now stood with his back to her.

"Jack what are you doing?"

"I'm putting the crib together" he said while taking the materials out from its package.

"Jack this crib has been laying here for two months; it's 3 in the morning… What's going on?", she asked him but when he didn't respond she took another step towards him and put her hand on his shoulder turning him to face her. His eyes were red and a cold sweat was covering his face, he tried to avoid her gaze but she held into him tightly and didn't leave him any choice than to look at her. Finally meeting her gaze she noticed his eyes starting to water and reached for his face realizing what's going on in her husband head.

"Oh Jack..", she caressed his cheeks, "What happened?", and that was enough for Jack to break down lightly. He lowered his head shaking it like he was trying to shake his problems away, "I thought the surgery was only scheduled for tomorrow?"

"It was", he raised his head, "I was already getting ready to leave... but they… they paged me 911... and she was in such a bad shape.", shaking his head again walking away from her, " I couldn't even do anything.. The damaged was so. ."

"Jack..", Kate walked again towards him not sure what to tell him. Recognizing that state, he was so far gone in his grief and she hated it. Unlike Jack, and as quiet as she kept it, Kate despised his work and what it did to him. The ultimate mistress always accompanied them since the beginning. It was there lurking in the darkness of their relationship and with every misunderstanding or argument it showed its ugly head. But the thing that hurt the most was this, his constant state of fixing his patients, of being so involve and personal that it tear him from the inside. After all these years Kate witnessed his share of loss and it never became easier - just the opposite, but lately something didn't feel so right, Jack was distant and even more consume with his work which was literally impossible and it worried her. Knowing through the last few weeks that his breaking point is approaching she prepared herself, she just hoped it'll at least have a better ending. She returned to the room shaking her thoughts away and looking up at him as she saw him lost in his as well but his eyes were not locked on her but on her belly, "Jack don't.."

"I should have tried harder"

"Jack you can't-", she reached for his face again trying to break the 'spell' he was under.

"I should have rushed her into surgery earlier - I never thought"

"Jack you couldn't have known t-"

"BUT I DID!", he yelled finally looking at her eyes but not really seeing her, "I knew better! I knew she was in bad shape and I did nothing! I thought that if I did the tests it will help me to save her but look what happened! Look what I did!", he kept going on and Kate decided to stand aside and let him let it all out, "she was only a little girl and I failed her.. And her parents they trusted me and look where it got them… she was just a baby Kate, they loved her so much and.. now… now she's gone", his eyes returning to her belly and tears were filling Kate's eyes as well seeing her husband in such a state broke her down.

She dried the tears from her cheeks and took a decisive step towards him, standing right in front of him. "Jack look at me," she said but he kept looking at where his daughter laid peacefully, "Jack look at me", she said again this time forcing him to rise is gazed. "It's ok, you did everything that you could", she caressed the back of his head.

"no I d-"

"Jack you will listen to me now" Kate cut him off before he got the chance to start again, "You can't do this to yourself. You can't collapse every time something like this happens, it's not healthy. I know you wanted to fix her, I know that but you can't take this one on you, you told me when they first came to you that this was a difficult case and that no one would had accepted it"

"But maybe I shouldn't-", Jack tried again just to get cut off again

"Then you wouldn't be you", she smiled sadly at him, "you would never turn your back to people in need, and that's exactly what you did. You tried - and you did everything that you could, I'm sure of it"

"Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much", Jack said as he rubbed his face

"me too", she said and hugged him to her, "but then again… it was probably the first thing I fell in love with"

Jack took a step back to look at his wife standing in front of him in an empty room in her pajamas. he took a big sigh, his hand slowly reaching for her belly, "I kept thinking about her, you know… seeing that little girl… and her parents, see them lose the best thing in their life it made me scared. What if I won't be good at this, what if I can't protect her as well?"

"Jack, you'll be good at this. I can tell, she's not even out yet and you're already crazy worried about her", Kate put both of her hands on his. With their fingers interlocked on her rounded belly he looked in her eyes, "and she's so lucky to have you as a father"

Jack in returned lowered his head to give her a breath taking kiss holding her tightly to him and only released her when the needed for air became too much. They stayed in each other arms, leaning their foreheads at each other a few more minutes. "Come on… let's go to bed", she smiled and took his hand in hers walking him to the door, "and you can stop worry! I have at least two more months to keep her safe inside of me"

"Never", Jack said and turned off the light.

"So… Jack…?"

"Excuse me?"

"Jack..? Your husband..?", Sawyer said behind her. They were walking in the jungle for hours and the sun was already starting to disappear behind the trees. Locke guided them, following by Sayid they walked through the trees and high plants stopping only for short water breaks or for any useful metal or lost luggage.

"What about him?", Kate said in return not bothering to turned look at him.

"What did he do in the real world?.. You know before he played Mowgli the lost boy", Sawyer said sarcastically

Kate finally stopped and look back at him, "Are you trying to be an ass or it's just comes naturally"

"Come on what's the big secret"

"It's not a big secret"

"Then tell me", he smirked at her.

She sighed and looked up ahead at the two men that kept going trying to cover as much land as possible until camping for the night, "A doctor. Spinal surgeon"

"You kidding me, right?", Sawyer looked at her in disbelieve

"No, why?", she shook her head in return and kept following the man ahead before they managed to disappear from her sight.

"I don't know, I never have pegged you for a high shot doctor's wife, I guess it's every LA girl's dream"

"I wouldn't know…" Kate said focused on her steps, "I'm from Iowa"

"HA! Now that's more like it freckles" Sawyer laughed, " so had'ya managed to hitch up a doctor from LA? I bet all your girlfriends back at home were so jealous", he shot at her his famous grin as he passed her.

"It's just happened Sawyer" she sigh starting to feel tired from their conversation

"Your mama must be so proud of you-"

"Sawyer is there something that you want", Kate cut him off

"What's wrong freckles? Did I stroked a nerve?", now it was Sawyer turn to stop and look at her yet again smirking

But Kate didn't gave in to his pleasure and kept going pass him "no. just mind your own business"

"I bet his parents love you to death-"

"Sawyer!" she cut him off only to be cut off herself

"STOP!", Locke yell from ahead. They became quiet looking around them. Sayid and Sawyer raised their gun to the sound of metal clicking surrounding them quietly until a loud and big explosion startled them from only a few feet from them.

"RUNNN", Sawyer yelled and Kate immediately obeyed. she run so fast she felt like her lungs were on fire. She knew Sawyer was right behind her, but she didn't let herself turn around and look. That loud exploding was still behind them, like that thing was following them and that only made her run even faster. She kept going, her thoughts on Eli waiting for her back at the beach and on Jack wondering if he's out here in the same danger as her. she could hear that thing going the other way just as she spotted a tick branches surrounding and her instinct pulled her toward it feeling it was a safe place to hide she run to it almost losing her balance at the last step. She hugged the branches tightly her knuckles turning white and looked out to the trees only now realizing she was alone. Sawyer was no longer behind her as the other men as well. She gasped deeply, exhausted from her run and tears in her eyes she felt the fear eating her from inside so she searched for the only thing that made her feel safe so she yelled.

"Jackkkkkkkkkkkkkk"