Thank you for all that continue to read this story and series. Thank you Anna for looking at this for me... And yeah I'm sorry. Just gonna say it now.

They say the first year of marriage was the hardest. Survive that and survive anything. They didn't even make it past the first week. It seemed from the moment Ryan showed up on their doorstep their lives had been thrown of balance. Beckett was still struggling to process the events of the last few days. First she had a beautiful wedding and spent the following few days in pure bliss with her new husband. Then they returned home to Ryan dangling a carrot for her to dive back into the rabbit hole of her mother's case. She tried to resist, she really did, but in the end took it. After nearly being blown to pieces, she knew the person behind her killer. Looked him in the eye as he tried to explain why. Then Beckett took control of her life back and threatened the Senator with an imaginary file that was in a pile of scrap on the dining room table. Bartering for the safety of her life and that of her family was the only satisfaction she could get. There would be no arrest until there was hard evidence connecting the Senator to the conspiracy of her mother's death. Protecting Castle was just as important if not more than an arrest.

Her actions caused tension with her husband. Didn't help that she snuck off in the middle of the night to seek out Bracken. It wasn't like Beckett didn't trust him because she did with her life, but knew that if he came then he would do anything to keep her safe. Even the protection of his body. His life. That was something she wasn't willing to risk. Having such an intense argument with Castle wasn't something she wanted to experience just a handful of days after their wedding. In the end, Beckett garnered his forgiveness though it was the last thing she deserved.

Wanting to put the last couple days behind them, the newlyweds figured the best way was just to sleep it off in hope for a better one tomorrow. Only they didn't make through the night before the universe threw them for another loop. Beckett awoke just before midnight with an agonizing pain in her stomach and in a pool of blood between her legs. Her blood. Three hours later at the hospital, the sun barely peeking through the clouds, the couple was informed that Beckett suffered a miscarriage.

Dazed, Beckett walked into the loft carelessly dropping her coat as she went. Castle silently moved behind her locking the door and picking up after her. He hadn't said much on the ride home and Beckett spent the entire time wonder if that was a good or a bad thing. It seemed the news hadn't really made its way full through Beckett's mind. Some cramps and blood and just like that the life growing inside her was gone. A life she didn't know about. A life created out of the love she shared with Caste. A life that she wanted without knowing it.

Castle guided his wife to the couch worried about her glazed over stare, "Can I-I…" He licked his lips, "Talk to me, Kate."

"I lost it." Her voice sounded so far away.

"It wasn't your fault." Castle explained just like the doctors tried to do at the hospital.

It didn't matter. Beckett could hear it a thousand different ways and she would still see it as her fault. What the hell happened? Just a few short days ago life was perfect. She married the love of her life, become a stepmother to a brilliant kid, and was looking forward to her happy life. All so perfect and destroyed in a blink of an eye over a bit of pain and blood.

"Don't." Beckett jerked from the touch she loved so much, "Don't touch me."

"Kate please don't pull away." Tears burned the back of his throat as she stood. He had to stop her from reverting back to the woman she was when they first met. They had to deal with this together."I know you're hurting and so I am."

"I don't know why I thought I could do this. I mean be a wife and a mother." Ignoring him, she started to pace. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm no longer a cop. I'm barely a wife and no longer a mother to be. I wish I could turn back time and make sure none of this happened."

The bottom of his stomach dropped just like the night in the rain when she said they were done. "What happened?" His voice pitched a bit, "The last week? This last year? Us?"

"Not us." No matter the amount of pain there had been she could never regret their relationship. Meeting Richard Castle, falling in love with him, being with him was the single greatest thing she ever done in her life. "Never us."

"Then what?"

"I need a shower."

"We need to talk."

"I know. I just need some time."

Castle heard the desperation in her voice and caved, "I'm going to call mother and Alexis. They should-should know."

"I agree."

Once she disappeared into the office, Castle buried his face in his hands and broke into gut wrenching sobs. He didn't even know how to begin to process it all. How did he mourn a life he didn't know about? God! Castle clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his sob so Beckett wouldn't hear. Be strong, that's what he had to do. Be the rock that she needed so he could get her through this. Then maybe, just maybe, he could work on getting himself through it.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After a day of being comforted by her stepdaughter and her husband, Beckett found herself on the roof of the building. The night was nice and muggy just a typical spring day in New York City. Leaning against the edge, she watched the city she loved so much below. Her life was this city. Not counting the handful of years for college and traveling, everything she'd ever known was done there on those streets. Hell, she had bled for them and the people who inhabited it. Was this all she was? Was this city all she was to experience? Once, when she was young and before her mother's murder, she imagined a whole exciting life. Backpacking through Europe, maybe spending a few years working from place to place before diving head first into being the first female Chief Justice. At one point Beckett even tossed around the idea of being an art major.

Didn't really matter what those plans were, Beckett didn't remember now. Everything changed the night Raglan showed up on her door steps shattering her world into a thousand tiny pieces. Even now, after all the wonderful things that happened in her life, she still couldn't help but wonder about the life that could have been if that night never happened.

"Hey." Castle sat on the ledge of the roof offering her a cup of coffee. He hated the way she looked so tired. The events of the last few days weighed heavily on her already and now that the world threw them this curveball. She looked so exhausted. So broken. And he felt completely helpless to do anything about it. "What are you thinking about?"

Beckett chewed on her bottom lip ignoring the cup of coffee, "About the like that could have been."

"Oh." They finally talked before Alexis and Jeremy made it over to the loft. There was a lot of yelling, tears, discussion, and planning. He didn't know how it all came about or what possessed him, but Castle found himself agreeing to her request for time. The time to figure out who she was, where she was going, and who she wanted to be. Castle knew that if he wanted the best chance to make this all work out that giving her the time was what was best answer. No so much for himself, but he figured if he waited her out for four years than what was a little longer. A few weeks, she said. Just a few weeks to figure everything out. He could do that. God he hoped that he could. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." She softly confessed, "Maybe get on my bike and just drive."

"Anywhere in particular?"

The question caught Beckett by surprise. After their intense discussion, she figured that he would try to fight her. Maybe plead with her to stay. A part of her wanted him too. After all she was her own worst enemy. In the end, Beckett found she loved the man more for his unconditional understanding. "Some place that's not here. This city hold too many bad memories for me."

Maybe time away would help her look on the city and remembered all the goodness. God, Castle rubbed a hand over his tired face. How in the hell did he agree to this? Trying to explain this to his daughter and mother was going to be hard as they wouldn't understand. No one would. Hell he was still trying to sort this all out.

"You know that I love you," Castle spoke, "right?"

"I know." Beckett turned to look at him her heart breaking at the sorrow in the blue eyes she loved so much. He was grieving, she knew that. But found it hard to push her own aside at the moment to even attempt to comfort him. "I love you too."

Then why run? Castle used what self-control he had to keep the question in his head. "Be careful." Now that they knew Bracken was behind her mother's death, he feared what the reputations of that knowledge would be. "We know how trouble seems to follow you."

"Only if you promise the same. God knows what trouble you'll find left to your own devices."

"No stealing police horse, promise." He was pleased to see her lips twitch, "I can't pretend that I'm happy with you running off on your own. I'm not even sure I fully understand. All I know is that you've been through a lot is such a short period of time and need time to process it all. To figure out what you want."

"I'm coming back." Beckett assured, but could see that he didn't fully believe her. "I want to be the woman you deserve, Rick. I can't do that like this. I can't ask you to accept me like this. Broken and-…."

Castle's hand shot out to grip her shoulders, "Don't you understand that I will take you anyway I can. You decide what way that will be and I'll accept it." Tears blurred his vision and he hurriedly blinked them away, "Wife, lover, friend, or just partners. I don't care what way, I just want you to be in my life. Always and with all my heart."

Stunned by his affirmation, it took Beckett a few moments to be able to speak again. "Rick." God she adored this man. Adore every goddamn ounce. Adore everything to his bones to his soul. Beckett could go a thousand lifetimes and never deserve a man like Richard Castle. She could lose everything, but not him. God never him. "Thank you."

Castle gathered her close enough to hug the life out of her, "Never thank me for loving you."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Come sunrise, Castle found himself wondering once again how in the hell he agreed to this? Sleep eluded him as it did Beckett, but they hadn't spent that time together. Beckett packed while he sat on the roof watching night turn into day. He had hoped that some time alone would make Beckett rethink her plan, but that hadn't happen. Just shy of nine in the morning and he was standing on the side walk with his daughter while his wife strapped her duffle bag to the back of her motorcycle. He felt sick to his stomach about letting her go. Still he didn't ask her to stay.

Beckett took her time securing the buckle on her side compartment for a chance to gather her thoughts on what she would say. Not goodbye. That would make them both think that she wasn't coming back. At least that was the plan any way. It was hard to tell where she would end up after her little soul searching trip. "I umm…" Pushing a loose strand of hair off her face, Beckett turned to face the two Castles. "I will call once I get where I'm going."

"And that is?" Alexis demanded crossing her arms over her chest.

Beckett hated the anger that radiated from the red head. Hated the fact that she was the one who caused it. Hated that there was betrayal on her stepdaughter's face. "I'm not sure really."

"Just be safe." Castle interjected before Alexis could take another jab at Beckett. "Pull off if you get too tired."

"I will." Beckett promised.

"Well I guess this is goodbye then."

"Alexis." The red head jerked from her touch and Beckett dropped her arm shamefully back to her side. Just another person to let her down. Beckett closed her eyes to trap the tears before they fell. God when would they run out? When would she stop disappointing the people she loved? Beckett had promised her not to leave again. Not to do anything to hurt Castle. What a stupid thing to do.

Castle placed a gentle hand on his wife's arm to stop her from chasing after Alexis when his daughter took off inside. "Don't."

"I didn't mean for this to happen." She lifted her tear filled eyes to his bloodshot one. "I can't stop myself from going, Rick. I can't even think about being the mother she deserves until I figure myself out. I don't…. I can't…"

"I will explain it to her when she cools down." Castle promised, "And to mother."

"They'll never forgive me for this."

"Sure they will."

"How?"

Castle shrugged, "They love you."

Beckett huffed casting her gaze downwards, "I doubt that's what they feel for me now."

"You let me worry about them. You just focus on yourself and come back to me."

"I love you, you know that right?"

"Of course I do." He pressed a tender kiss to her brow doing all he could to keep the emotions from his voice. "And know that I love you with all my heart."

"I will come back."

"And I'll be waiting for you."

SORRY!