Jan 4, 2004
New Year's was fun with Dean. It was pretty low key, but fun nonetheless. No matter what Dean and I do together is a good time to me. He just knows how to make every moment fun. That is why I am not happy he leaves tomorrow. He goes back to work. He invited me to come along, but I told him I couldn't. He doesn't really understand why. I don't have school anymore and I have enough money to travel. He just doesn't understand why my father doesn't want me to go out hunting. I'm old enough and have enough training. I agree with Dean, but he doesn't know the rest of it. I really want to tell him about what really happened to me in Chicago, but I just can't. He would be so confused since it was the same thing that killed his mother.
I'm going to miss Dean when he leaves tomorrow. At least I won't be too bored when he leaves because I go back to work, and Annabelle comes home. She is going to have to adjust to the time change, so she won't be at work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing her because she has no clue what is going on between Dean and me. She will be so happy for us.
Jan 18, 2004
Guess what I am doing tomorrow. I'm going hunting! My father has no clue that I am going. I told him that I'm going to visit my friend at college for the week. Dean called me up the other night to tell me he needs help on a hunt and his father is on a different hunt. At first I was hesitant, but I decided to go for it because I hadn't seen Dean in two weeks and I really wanted to hunt. I'm not really sure what the job is about, but I stole one of my father's books on supernatural creatures. Hopefully it won't be too dangerous. The job is in the exciting state of New Mexico. Luckily it will be warmer there then it is here. I'm ready to get out of this cold for a while.
Jan 20, 2004
This job seems like it is a confusing one. Dean has already been here for a week trying to figure things out, but hasn't gotten anywhere. Here's what is going on, from what Dean has told me, people are going missing from this town. He said the people are going missing at the fun house at the carnival in town. He checked to see if this has happened before with the carnival, but so far there are no connections. Then he asked if anyone had died in the fun house before. They told him the fun house was brand new, this was the first time they used the fun house.
So far four people have gone missing. There are no signs they were abducted by anyone. Dean has talked to three people who were with the people right before they went missing. They said one minute they were there and then the next they weren't. Dean and I are going tomorrow to check out the fun house together.
Jan 21, 2004
Dean and I checked out the fun house and found nothing to help us with the case. This job is going to take a lot of thinking. There is no connection between the four people missing. They all range in race, gender, and age. I might have to make a run to the library to figure out what this could possibly be. I've looked through the book I stole from my father, but I don't even know what I am looking for. Dean is really stressing out over this job. He says this is the toughest job he has ever taken on.
Dean's birthday is coming up soon. I need to figure out what to get him. It is only three days away. I completely forgot it was his birthday until I looked at my phone. I might have to give Annabelle a call for some ideas on what to get him.
Jan 23, 2004
I am so scared right now. I have no clue where I am. I can barely even write this entry because of the little amount of light I have. What happened was Dean and I went to the fun house to investigate the scene again. We were just walking around, but couldn't find anything that popped out. Dean and I both got frustrated so we both decided to sit down in this room that was full of chairs. As soon as I sat down my chair spun around and I ended up here. Right away Dean started calling for me, but I don't think he could hear me shouting back. I even started pounding on the wall, but he couldn't hear me. Then I grabbed my cell phone and tried calling him, but I had no service. To me it just looks like another part of the fun house. I walked around for a while, but it just kept bringing me back to the same place. I have been in here for about three hours now. I haven't seen anyone else.
It has been about three hours since I last wrote. Some things have changed. I am no longer alone. I have found two of the people who have gone missing. They told me there is a crazy man in the maze looking to kill one of us. Barb, one of the missing persons, told me she saw one of them get taken by him. I'm going to guess that we are the only survivors right now. All I have in my bag to protect us is some salt. I'm not even sure if this thing is a spirit or not, so salt may not help. I could try, what is the worst that can happen besides the man being able to cross the salt and kill one of us. I only have enough salt to make a very small circle around us. The three of us are going to have to get closer together. I'm not sure how they are still alive because there is no food or water in this place. They should have starved to death or died from dehydration.
Barb complains about being hungry. I reassured them both that my boyfriend would figure it out. It felt so natural for me to call Dean my boyfriend. Speaking of Dean it is his birthday tomorrow and I am stuck in this fun house. Plus I still haven't gotten anything for him. I never got a chance to call Annabelle for ideas.
I am getting tired. It is about eleven at night right now. We each decided to sleep in shifts to make sure the crazy psychopath doesn't come back and take one of us. Jeff, the other missing person, has the next shift. I have to try and keep myself busy so I don't fall asleep. Jeff gets about another hour to sleep and then I wake him up. So what to do with an hour to spare? I can't go take a walk; I have to stay close, plus the psychopath might try to get me. I hope Dean gets this figured out soon. I'm so hungry and bored.
Jan 24, 2004
Still stuck in this place. This sucks because it is Dean's birthday. I hope he gets me out before the day is up so I can wish him a happy birthday.
No one was taken last night. The man never even showed up. Barb is getting pretty bad. She has been here the longest. She is starting to hallucinate because she is so dehydrated and hungry. Dean better get this figured out soon. It obviously has something to do with the chair and this psychopath running around.
LaterI have now seen the man, he looks crazy. He looks like he hasn't showered in months or combed his hair. The smell coming from him was so terrible I thought I was going to throw up. He is most definitely a spirit, a very angry one. He couldn't pass the circle of salt, but he really wanted to. He was going for Barb. He kept calling for her to come to him. She was very close to stepping out of the circle, but Jeff and I stopped her in time. She thought it was her husband calling for her.
LaterBarb has been taken from us. She fell for the man again and walked out of the circle before we could stop her. As soon as she stepped out the man charged her and killed her. I have never seen someone die right in front of me before.
LaterThe weirdest thing just happened. Some how the salt circle had been broken so the crazy killer was able to get through. It was so close to killing me when it vanished all of a sudden. I was so frightened. I kept thinking about my father and how disappointed he would be if this were how I died. He would hate Dean. He would want to k…hold up, I think I hear Dean.
Jan 26, 2004
I'm on my way home right now. I now understand why Dean loves this so much. The look on Jeff's face when he found out he was saved was priceless. He was so grateful. I don't really feel like I did much. Barb still ended up dead along with the others. Dean keeps telling me there was nothing I could do about Barb. After Dean and I got back to the motel room he told me everything about the case. I'll start from the beginning.
When I went spinning around in the chair Dean panicked like any normal person would, but after he couldn't find me he figured that was how the others disappeared. Since it was too late to question any of the witnesses again he called his father for help. He needed to find out about the chair. John sent Dean a copy of the materials used in the fun house and where they came from. John underlined the part about a chair being purchased at a police auction. That was enough information for Dean. The next day he went to the police station to find out about where the chair was before it was auctioned off. After asking twenty different people, Dean finally got the paperwork on the chair. He found out the chair was taken from a murder scene where the murderer was killed in the chair. The man was a real lunatic. When he was alive he would take random people and stick them in a room for days without food or water then he would finally kill them. Dean showed me a picture of the guy and it was definitely the psychopath from the fun house. Dean was going to go and burn the bones, but he found out the guy was cremated. So then he decided to salt and burn the chair. He wasn't sure if it would work, but he went for it. When he burned it he pushed on the wall behind it and it creaked open. That was when I started hearing him. He said we probably wouldn't have solved it if I hadn't sat on that chair. I suppose that is true. I don't even know why I sat on that chair. There were like ten other chairs in the room. I guess I did do more than provide the salt. I helped Dean solve the case.
After Dean told me how he solved the case we went out to celebrate his birthday. He is now 25 years old. I forget sometimes how much older he is than me. I feel like I'm dating the younger brother sometimes. While we are on the topic of brothers, I haven't seen or talked to Sam in a long time. Jess must be keeping him busy. I'm happy for him.
Anyways, when Dean and I got to the restaurant I told Dean that I didn't get him a birthday present. He seemed so cool with the fact that I didn't get him one. He said he was just happy that I was there spending it with him, how cheesy. He then turned back into his usual self and told me I can make up for it later. That sounded more like the Dean I know and love. Trust me, I made up for not getting him a present quite a few times. I decided to give him a belated present the next day by getting us into a very nice hotel near where we were originally staying. This place was very nice. They had an indoor and outdoor pool, Jacuzzi, sauna, steam room, room service, and a spa. I booked Dean a massage with the spa. At first he didn't want to get one, thinking it would lower his manhood, but he gave in and loved it. The two of us ordered room service and stayed in the room most of the night. Dean loved having the premium channels to watch. Even though Dean might not admit it he enjoyed my gift. The part he didn't like was the valet service because he didn't want somebody he didn't know driving his baby. I got him to calm down.
Right now we are on our way to my house. Dean is going to drop me off at the train station for my father to pick me up. This way my father will still think I was at the college with my friend. Dean says he is going to let me know if he needs my help on a hunt. I'm so glad I went. I hope he needs me soon.
Jan 30, 2004
My father found out that I went hunting some how. Dean doesn't understand how he found out. I asked Dean if it could've been his father, but he said he never told his father I was with him. When Dean dropped me off at the train station my father was already there waiting for us. He also knows about Dean and I being together. Before Dean and I knew he was there we kissed each other goodbye. As I was walking away my father came out of the train station and told us both we were busted. I was completely dumbfounded. My father made me get in the car with him and had Dean follow.
I got an earful in the car. He was telling me how irresponsible I am and how what I did was foolish. I just sat there listening to him thinking, why. I didn't understand why he thought it was foolish. It wasn't like I went alone. I had someone I could trust with me. My father also made a comment about my relationship with Dean. He said that Dean was too old for me and much more experienced. He thinks that it is not a good idea for us to be together. I just told him I knew what I was getting myself into. My father then just told me to be careful with Dean.
I thought my father had finally calmed down, but I was wrong. As soon as we got back to our house my father gave it to Dean and me. He really gave it to Dean. He gave him a similar speech to the one he gave Sam, but a little more forceful. Dean seemed worried about what my father would do to him if he ever hurt me. I reassured him and told him Sam is still alive and well. After Dean got the talk from my father I was called in to have another chat with my father. He told me he wasn't happy with my choice. He said Dean is a playboy and as soon as he gets bored he will dump me like yesterday's trash. I told him he was wrong and stormed out.
Part of me feels like he is right, but part of me wants to prove him wrong. I will prove to him that Dean and I will last. Dean and I care a lot about each other. He did just save my life. I trust Dean. I don't think he will do anything stupid. Even though he seems like the type that would cheat on me I know he wouldn't. I let Dean look at other women, but I won't allow him to pursue them any further. I don't want to be the knaggy, needy girlfriend that yells at her boyfriend for looking at other chicks. I would be a hypocrite then. I look at other guys all the time, but I know that I would rather have Dean. Dean can have his little fantasies with other women, but I'm the one he calls at the end of a hunt. I believe my relationship with Dean will last despite what my father might think.
After I stormed out on my father he went up to his bedroom. Dean had been listening to our conversation, I could tell. He asked me if I was worried he was going to cheat on me. I told him I was not worried. I know where his heart lies. He asked me how I could be so sure. I then, without thinking, pulled out the "L" word. I told him it was because I loved and trusted him. Dean just pretended like I didn't say it and changed the subject. He asked me if I had heard from Sam in a while. I told him that I hadn't spoken to Sam all month. Sam has no clue that I went on this hunt and he will probably never have a clue that Dean and I are together.
Annabelle wants to know all about the hunt. She wants to know every detail. She was very excited when I told her I was going on the hunt. I'm going over to her place tomorrow to tell her about it.
John is coming tomorrow because he and Dean have work to do. That means Dean leaves tomorrow. Just when I started getting used to having him around again he leaves. I wish I could go with them, but my father would not allow it.
Feb 6, 2004
John Winchester is a sneaky little devil. As I was taking this journal out to write in it I noticed a piece of paper sticking out of it. I pulled out the paper to find a letter from John. The letter is full of information John has on the demon that killed my parents. It says that there are signs when he is about to attack a family. There are electrical storms and dead cattle near the town. Right before the demon attacks the clock stops. There are others out there like me, including Sam. That was about all that he has so far. He finished the letter telling me not to tell anyone else about the letter, especially my father. I had started to forget about the yellow-eyed demon. I haven't had any dreams about him in months and I had almost gotten over the death of my unborn child. That demon is out there somewhere destroying someone else's life.
Feb 14, 2004
Valentine's Day sucks!! I have no one to spend it with. Dean is all the way in South Carolina right now. Even if he were here we probably wouldn't be celebrating. Dean believes it is just another holiday invented by Hallmark and Hershey's. I don't really care, I just think it is nice to have a day where you can be lovey-dovey and get away with it. Annabelle said she would be my valentine. We are going to go out to dinner and then watch some chick flicks at her place. I think it will be fun.
Work was just horrendous this morning. Everybody seemed to have someone. Granted I'm not alone, but I am for this day. I'm not even sure when my anniversary is with Dean. Is it Thanksgiving or Christmas? Or is it when my father found out?
Feb 26, 2004
We got a new co-worker at work this week. His name is Zack. He's about 20 years old, dark brown hair, 6'2", medium build, and pretty attractive. All of the female customers flirt with him; some of the males do too. He's a pretty nice guy. I would totally be flirting with him if I weren't already taken. He has talked with Annabelle and I a few times. He has a similar sense of humor to Dean. He reminds me a lot of Dean. That isn't very good, but I have control over myself. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. It is not a good feeling.
I don't have to miss Dean too much longer because he is coming here next week for my birthday. I wonder if he will give me another piece of jewelry. I guess I will just have to wait.
Mar 2, 2004
Looks like I'm going to have to wait a little longer to see what Dean got me for my birthday because he got called away on another job. Annabelle said that we could go out and celebrate my birthday. Zack asked if he could tag along. Annabelle told him he could, but I'm not sure that is a good idea. I think Zack has a crush on me. He flirts with almost every girl, but when he flirts with me it is different. To me it seems like he flirts with other girls for the attention, but when he flirts with me he is trying to get somewhere. He has already made a comment about Dean not being there on my birthday. He said something along the lines of; if I were his girlfriend he would never let me spend my birthday alone. I find Zack attractive, but his personality is all wrong. He thinks he can get any girl he wants. Annabelle likes him, I can tell. Every time he comes in to start work her face lights up. She wants him at my birthday dinner so she can flirt with him some more outside of work. She didn't say that, but I know those are her intentions. I think Zack and Annabelle would make a cute couple. Maybe I will try to play matchmaker at my birthday dinner.
Mar 6, 2004
I tried my hardest to play matchmaker at my birthday dinner, but nothing seemed to work. Annabelle confirmed that she likes Zack, but Zack doesn't like her back. Zack likes me. I found that out from him. He said he likes the challenge. Since I am off limits I am more attractive to him.
Now I really need to be careful with him. He is going to be trying his hardest to get me to fall for him. It is going to be difficult not to fall for his charm. Dean isn't around very often. Hopefully I will be able to control my urges. I have self-control. I know when to say no.
Speaking of Dean, he said he is going to try to make it down here next week to celebrate my birthday with me. He keeps apologizing for not being with me on my birthday. I keep telling him it is fine and that I understand. As much as I wanted Dean to celebrate my birthday I know he was doing something important. I'll have more birthdays. Besides it's not like this is a real milestone. Nothing really happens when you turn 19. I can go to Canada and drink and gamble. I'm just looking forward to seeing Dean again. I haven't seen him since we went on our hunt together. As far as I know he has been loyal to me the entire time. I miss him so much. It has been too long. He calls me every so often to tell me about the latest hunt and I tell him how bored I am working at a coffee shop. I haven't told him about Zack. I don't want him to worry about me falling for someone else. Our relationship is still pretty new. I wonder if my father will allow Dean to sleep in the same room as me still. I doubt it.
Mar 11, 2004
Dean surprised me today by showing up at the coffee shop unannounced. Luckily he picked a slow time. He walked in, came to the counter, and asked for me. I was in the back taking inventory with Annabelle when Tim, one of our co-workers, came from the front and told me I had a visitor. I opened the door to go to the front, confused as to who the visitor was. There standing by the cash register in his worn leather jacket was Dean. I was so happy to see him. I jumped over the counter so fast and gave him a huge hug and a kiss. Zack made a snarky comment about how we should get a room. I then introduced the two. Dean put out his hand to shake Zack's, but Zack just looked at it and then walked away to the back. Dean asked if he did something wrong; I just told him that Zack could be a real douche bag for no reason sometimes. Dean then shrugged it off and asked when I was finished. He told me he would be back to pick me up when my shift was over.
After Dean left, Zack came back out from the back. He said, "So that is the infamous Dean Winchester? That is supposed to be my competition? Oh, this will be easy." I wanted so badly to just punch him, but I held myself back. I just told him that was Dean and went back to taking inventory with Annabelle.
When work was over Dean picked me up like he said he would. I thought he was just going to take me home, but I was mistaken. He took me out to the Thai restaurant we went to a few years ago. He said he wanted to take me to the place where we had our first unofficial date. I thought that was cute. Dean got all serious and told me that this was the place where he figured out how he felt about me. It was on that unofficial date that he started having feelings for me. He continued by telling me how these past few weeks, since the hunt we went on, he realized that he is in love with me. I was a bit surprised by this. I never thought I would see the day when Dean Winchester would say he loves me. I got so happy. I just started smiling and couldn't stop. I told Dean that I loved him too.
After we finished eating Dean gave me my present. It was another small item. I could tell Dean went all out on this gift; he even had it professionally gift-wrapped. I could tell by the size and shape of the box that it was another piece of jewelry. Dean looked really nervous while I was opening the gift, which made me really nervous. I finally got the gift-wrap off and opened the box slowly and curiously. When I finally opened the box I saw the most gorgeous ring. I looked at Dean confused. He then told me it was a promise ring. After what my father said about him being a playboy, Dean wanted to prove to me that he would be faithful. It is such a beautiful ring, simple, but beautiful. The ring has a white gold band with three little diamonds on the top. Engraved on the inside are Dean's initials. This really surprised me. I never thought Dean was the type who would give a girl a promise ring. I guess I was wrong again. He was just full of surprises. After I looked at the ring for about five minutes I finally put it on my finger. It fit perfectly. I have no clue how Dean knew my ring size, but he got it spot on.
As soon as I put the ring on and thought about what it meant I no longer wanted to be at the restaurant. I wanted to be somewhere private with Dean so I could thank him for the ring the best way I could. I think Dean could see it in my eyes that I wanted to get out of there. He paid for the check with cash and didn't even wait to get the change. We weren't sure where we could go for the most privacy so we decided to park. This was my first time having sex in a car and I'm hoping it will be my last. It is not very comfortable. After I finished thanking Dean my father called asking where I went after work. I told him that Dean took me out for dinner for my birthday and we were on our way home. He just said good and hung up. Even though today isn't my birthday it was the best so far.
My dad set up a place for Dean to sleep. He said absolutely no sharing the same bed or else Dean will no longer be able to stay at our house again. We'll see if Dean listens.
Mar 15, 2004
Dean is still here; he says there is nobody that really needs to be saved. I asked Dean where his father is; he just told me he wasn't sure because his father wouldn't tell him. I thought that was a bit odd. Don't get me wrong I'm glad Dean is here, but I wish John were here to keep my father preoccupied for about five minutes so Dean and I can have some time alone. The only time we get to ourselves is when Dean drives me to and from work and at night. He really needs to learn how to trust Dean and me. We are both adults. I might have to have a talk with him and get him to back off a little. Dean has followed my father's orders of sleeping in separate beds, but that doesn't mean we haven't done stuff. My father usually goes to bed around 10:30. By 11:30 he is passed out so Dean and I slip some alone time in, but we make sure that we don't fall to sleep.
Zack has been a real nuisance this week since Dean has been here. Every time I come in Zack is already there and asks if my boyfriend is gone yet. I always tell him no and he tells me that's too bad. The look on his face when he saw the promise ring was priceless. He was about as surprised as I was when I saw it. Annabelle rushed over to look at it. She thinks it is just gorgeous. I've worn it everyday since I've had it. Dean acts like he doesn't notice, but I see him glance down at my hand to see if it is there and he smiles when he sees it.
Mar 18, 2004
You won't believe it; Dean let me drive his car. He doesn't let anyone drive that thing. When he asked me if I wanted to drive I was a little confused. I asked him which car and he said his. I was so astonished I thought maybe he was dying or something. I finally got the word "sure" out of my mouth. He told me I better not smash anything and then handed me the keys. That was so exciting, sort of like being able to drive the Bat mobile, but it was the Dean mobile.
Dean started out by showing me everything on the driver's side. It was like he thought I had never driven a car before. He obviously didn't look around my yard and see a bunch of beat up cars. I have helped my dad with a few of them. I know enough about cars I didn't need to be taught all over again. I decided to play along with Dean because he's so cute when he thinks he is teaching me something new. He seemed so happy to teach me how to drive his car. When I put the keys in the ignition and started her up I had never heard such a beautiful sound. I put it in drive and started moving. It felt so different being behind the wheel. At first I thought Dean just wanted me to drive it around the block, but he told me to keep driving. At the beginning Dean was a little tense, but he started to calm down.
Mar 21, 2004
Dean is really sick. When I got up this morning Dean wasn't in the kitchen as he usually is. I thought maybe he decided to sleep in for the day. I had left for work around eleven, but he still wasn't up. I didn't really think much of it, but when I came home at five he wasn't downstairs watching TV. I asked my father if he knew where Dean was. He told me he hadn't seen him all day, but his car was outside so he had to be in the house somewhere. I decided to check the room he was staying in. I walked into the room and saw him lying in bed with a bunch of covers and sweat all over him. He looked so pale. When I saw how sick he was I stated the obvious, that he was sick. Then I went to our medicine cabinet and grabbed the thermometer. Dean had a temperature of 102. I asked him if he had taken anything and he said he couldn't move because it hurt too much.
I went back to the medicine cabinet to get him some medicine when my cell phone went off. It was Sam. I hadn't heard from him in months. I decided to pick it up. Sam called to see how things were going since he hadn't talked to me in so long. I was just so surprised to hear from him. I didn't really know what to say. I just told him things were the same as always around here. He apologized for not calling on my birthday. He then asked how it was. I told him it was good and that I just hung out with some people from work. We started talking about everything going on in our lives for about twenty minutes when I remembered Dean. I told Sam I needed to go give his brother some medicine. Sam then asked what was wrong with him. I wasn't sure he just had a fever. Sam then told me to tell Dean hi and to get better soon. I hung up the phone and got the medicine for Dean.
When I went into his room I thought he was asleep so I put the medicine next to him on the nightstand and started to walk away when he asked who was on the phone. I told him it was Sam and he wanted me to tell him hi and to get better. Dean then asked how Sam was. I told him he sounded happy. Dean said that was good and took the medicine. I decided to stay in the room until Dean passed out. I went downstairs when my father asked me what Dean and I were doing up there. I told him we did nothing since Dean is really sick. My father asked how sick he was. I told him what his symptoms were. He just said it was probably the common flu. I hope he is right. I hope Dean gets better soon. I'll just have to wait and see how he feels in the morning.
Mar 30, 2004
Dean is now gone. John showed up yesterday and told Dean they were leaving. Dean and I spent one more night together before he left. This time we didn't have to say goodbye in private. I'm going to have to get used to not having Dean around again. He was here for a good two weeks. I'm going to miss him. Zack was delighted to hear that Dean has left. He asked me what I was going to do with all that free time. I just told him that it was going to have nothing to do with him.
The truth is I have no clue what I am going to do with all that free time. I will have to keep my mind preoccupied until Dean visits again.
April 12, 2004
Zack is a real douche bag! He is making work very uncomfortable for me. Almost everyday he asks me if Dean has come back yet. He has even tried to make me jealous by flirting with Annabelle. Annabelle knows all about Zack's plans for me, but she still falls for his charm. He is pretty good at manipulating women. If he weren't a complete jerk I would totally fall for him.
Sam has been calling a lot more lately. I'm not really sure why he has been calling so much all of a sudden. I think I have talked to him more than I have talked to Dean. I have told Sam a little about Zack, but not about Dean being my new boyfriend. I just am not ready to tell him I am dating his brother. I don't know if I will ever get up the courage to tell him. I don't think Sam would believe half the things Dean has done in this relationship. He would never believe that Dean gave me a promise ring. I don't really know why I am so against telling Sam about Dean. It might be that I am afraid Sam will either try to convince me to break it off with him or he will stop talking to me.
April 21, 2004
My father is leaving me for about a week to help his friend Caleb on a hunt. I will be the only one in the house. I tried to convince Dean to come over for the week, but he said that he and his father are busy on a job. He said he would try to make it, but no guarantee. Annabelle said that if I feel lonely or scared in the house by myself to give her a call. That would be cool if she spent the night over at my house.
April 26, 2004
So far it hasn't been too bad without my father here. Annabelle has come over a few times to hang out after work. She hasn't really been to my house since Thanksgiving. I decided to give her the grand tour of the place. I showed her my room, my dad's room, the guest room, the kitchen, and the living room. She noticed the picture of my parents on my nightstand. She asked me where I had gotten the picture. I told her that Dean's brother, Sam, gave it to me a while ago for Christmas. She said it was a nice picture. Then she asked where the pictures of Dean and me were. I told her there were none. She seemed sort of surprised by this answer. I told her Dean and I weren't the picture taking types. She asked why not, we are a very attractive couple. I wasn't sure how to take that comment so I just told her that neither one of us are running around with a camera. But what Annabelle said got me thinking about how Dean and I don't have any pictures together. I don't think I have a single picture of Dean. I have pictures of Sam and Nate from when we were together, but none of Dean. I'm going to have to carry a camera around with me more often.
April 30, 2004
My father has now been gone for a week and a half. I'm starting to get sort of bored without him here. I've been working as much as I can so I don't just sit at home alone. I've called Dean numerous times to see if he was able to spend the night, but he's in Vermont working on something with his father. My dad doesn't think he should be too much longer.
May 3, 2004
Today was not a very good day. I thought it was going to be, but then Zack had to ruin it. Here's what went down.
Today was my day off. I decided to just take a day to sleep in and relax around the house. Everything was going fine until around five or six. I was about to eat some dinner when I heard someone knocking on the door. I peaked outside and saw that it was Zack. I opened the door and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to talk to me real fast. I told him to start talking; I had no plans of inviting him into my house, but he pushed his way past me. He asked me if I was about to eat dinner. I told him I had planned to, but was interrupted. I then asked him what he wanted to talk about. He said he wanted to apologize for his recent behavior towards me. He understood that he was making me uncomfortable and planned to change his behavior. I asked why the sudden change in heart. He just responded with how he needed to move on. I wasn't too sure whether or not to believe him. I asked him if he was serious and he said dead serious. I told him that was good to hear.
Zack asked me if he could get a quick hug. I was a little hesitant at first, but decided to go for it. I gave him the hug, but as I was pulling away he grabbed my face and kissed me. I tried pushing him away, but he grabbed my hands and bent them back. He continued pushing me until I ran into the kitchen table. He shoved me onto the table and pinned my arms down. I was in so much pain. I kept shouting for him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. I thought to myself, not again. As he was pinning my arms down he started kissing my neck. I kept squirming and trying to get loose. I didn't realize how strong he was until then. I finally got one of my hands free and started to push him, but he grabbed my hand back and pinned my arms above my head with just one hand. He slapped me and told me I was being a bad girl. He then grabbed my breasts and kissed me all over. I kept yelling at him to stop. He came up and gave me a kiss on the lips and tried to incorporate tongue so I decided to bite it. He yelped in pain and slapped me again really hard. He then grabbed my face and told me to shut up. Then I heard someone behind him say, "No, you shut up," and hit Zack over the head with a pan. Zack fell to the floor unconscious.
I looked up and saw Sam standing, holding a frying pan. I stood up and ran to him. He gave me a huge hug and then told me to go into the living room. After about five minutes Sam came out of the kitchen. He told me he called the police and they should be here any minute. He tied Zack up to a chair so he couldn't go anywhere. I thanked Sam for saving me. Before we could say anything more to each other the police arrived and started asking me some questions. I didn't really feel like answering all the questions. Sam eventually stepped in and asked if they could come back tomorrow to continue questioning.
After the police left with Zack Sam asked what happened. I told him exactly what went down when Zack arrived. Sam said he was sorry I had to live this moment again. I then asked him what he was doing here. He said that school was out for the summer and he felt like surprising us. Instead he got the surprise. Once Sam found out I was home alone he called my father to tell him what happened. My father said he would be home first thing in the morning. Sam said if need be he would sleep in the same room as me if that would make me feel safe. I told him thanks for the offer, but I could manage without him. Before we each went to bed I asked Sam how long he was planning to stay. He said planned to stay here for a good month or two. As much as I love having Sam here I don't want him here for that long because then Dean won't be able to come here. I owe Sam for showing up here when he did. I could have ended up seriously injured. I think I might have a black eye.
May 6, 2004
Dean knows about what happened with Zack. He happened to stop by the coffee shop yesterday. I popped up from behind the counter because I was getting a cup I dropped. When I came up there was Dean. The very first thing he noticed was my eye. He asked me what happened. I told him that Zack had attacked me the other day. Dean got all defensive and asked where he was. I told him the cops had him. I continued and told him that Sam saved me. He got really confused and asked me if I meant his brother Sam. I told him of course his brother Sam. Dean wanted to ask more questions, but some new customers came in. I told Dean to hang out for another half hour because then my shift would be over. Dean ordered some coffee and sat in the corner reading the newspaper. I could tell he was looking for some interesting news that might possibly be a hunt.
After work Dean wanted to know all about what happened. I told him exactly what happened, every single detail. Dean said he was sorry. He kept coming up with excuses as to why he should have been there. I told him that it was not his fault. I then asked him why he was here. He asked me, in his smart-ass tone, if he needed a reason to visit his girlfriend. I told him no and then remembered that Sam was at the house and had no clue Dean and I are together. I told Dean he couldn't stay at our house. He looked alarmed he wanted to know why. I hurried up and pulled a big lie out of my ass. I told him that there was no room. Sam was staying in the guest room and we had some other people spending the night that were just passing through. He asked me where he was supposed to sleep. I told him he had two choices, his car or a motel. He was a little annoyed, but decided to get a motel room for a few days. I told him it would be better if he were in a motel room because we can have more freedom since my father won't be there. He said that was true, but still looked a little annoyed. He then asked if Sam was at the house or not. I told him I didn't think so. I really didn't want Sam and Dean interacting with one another. When we got to my house Dean asked if he could come in for a bit. I told him that my father had a nice dinner planned for just the two of us and I was already running late. He looked really sad by the news. He asked what he was supposed to do for dinner. I told him I would come to his room later with leftovers. He said that was fine and gave me a kiss goodbye.
When I walked in my father had some bags sitting in the living room. I asked him where he was going. He just said John called and said he really needed his help. About a half hour later he was gone. Sam and I went to McDonald's for dinner. When we were done I dropped Sam off at home and told him I was going over to Annabelle's. I went back to McDonald's and picked up some food for Dean. When I got to his room and gave him the food he asked what happened to the leftovers. I told him my father only made enough food for the two of us. Dean said that was fine and took the bag. I wasn't sure what to order him so I guessed and was right. Dean was a bit surprised. He asked me how I knew what to get him. I told him, jokingly, it was because I read his mind.
After he finished eating he tried to give me a kiss, but I told him to brush his teeth first. His breath was rank. When he came back out he was ready to get into things. I thought I would be fine, but after a while I wasn't really sure any more. I told Dean I wanted to stop. He was very good about it. He stopped and asked me if I was all right. I told him it was just too soon. He said that was fine and asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I told him no. Then we just cuddled until we both fell to sleep. I spent the entire night there.
I came home around 9:30. Sam was already up getting breakfast. He asked me where I was all night. I told him I spent the night at Annabelle's. He just nodded and poured me some coffee. Sam still remembers how I take my coffee. I thought that was pretty impressive. He then asked what my plans were for the day. I had no clue. Dean probably wanted to do something, but so did Sam. I just told him that I didn't really have any plans it was my day off. He said that was good because he needed my help with something. He wanted to get a promise ring for Jess, but wasn't sure what would be the best and really wanted my opinion.
At around eleven we left to go to a few jewelry stores. There were some gorgeous rings. As were shopping Sam asked me if there were any new guys in my life. I told him there wasn't anyone yet. Sam didn't believe me; he pointed to my ring and asked whom it was from. I told him it was from no one special. He told me that was bull. He could tell there was someone special in my life because I have seemed much happier lately. He said he hasn't seen me this happy since we were together. I finally gave in and told him I did have someone, but he didn't know him. He asked when he was going to meet him to give his seal of approval. I told him not anytime soon because he was spending the summer in Texas with his father. He just said it would have to be some other time then.
I'm getting too good at this lying thing. I don't know why I can't tell Sam about Dean. I think it might be because Sam will probably disapprove and give me the same lecture my father gave me. I don't want another person telling me my relationship with Dean isn't going to work. That is just going to make me doubt the relationship. Also Sam's opinion is very important to me.
Sam and I finally picked out the promise ring for Jess. It is a gold band with one white diamond between two pink diamonds. I recommended that he get his initials engraved like my boyfriend did. He asked to see what it looks like on my ring, but luckily the jeweler interfered and started asking him questions.
May 10, 2004
Sam was very close to finding out about Dean. I had left my cell in the kitchen while I went to the bathroom when Dean called. Sam called me to tell me my phone was ringing. I shouted from the bathroom, "Who is it?" Sam replied back with, "Dean." I hurried up and ran downstairs to the kitchen, but Sam said I had to tell him why his brother was calling me before he would hand me the phone. I told him I had no clue because I hadn't talked to him yet. Sam finally gave me my phone, but by the time I answered he had hung up. I called him back right away and he told me he was one minute from my house and that he would be there soon. I asked him why he was coming, but he just hung up.
Thirty seconds later I heard a car pull up and a door shut. Sam looked out the window and saw Dean walking up to the front door. Sam opened the door before Dean even knocked. Sam asked Dean what he was doing here. Dean looked confused and asked me if I had told Sam he was here. Sam then asked me if I knew Dean was here the whole time. I pointed to Dean and told him no, and then pointed to Sam and told him yes. They both at the same time asked why. I couldn't really come up with a good reason. I then asked Dean if I could talk to him in private really fast. Sam went into the house furious.
Dean and I went into the shed so we could talk. He asked me why I hadn't told Sam he was in town. I told him because I didn't want to start any fights. Dean said he had no plans of starting a fight unless Sam wanted him to. I told him that was fine and then went to talk to Sam.
Sam had calmed down a little, but was still upset. He asked me why I hadn't told him Dean was in town. I just told him the same thing I told Dean. He retorted back with a similar response as Dean. Sam then asked me if his father was anywhere around. I told him his father was with my father somewhere. Sam looked a little relieved to hear that. He didn't understand what Dean was doing here. I told him that Dean and I had become friends. Sam warned me to be careful because Dean might try something on me. In my head I was laughing at this since Dean and I are together. I asked Sam if it was okay for Dean to come in now. He said sure and then I went outside to tell Dean he could come in.
Dean came in and asked Sam how school was going. Sam told him it was fine. Sam didn't sound like he had calmed down yet. I went and sat down on the couch. Sam and Dean followed me. Dean sat down next to me and Sam sat on the chair adjacent to Dean. Without thinking Dean and I sat really close to one another. Dean thanked Sam for being there when Zack attacked me. Sam just said Dean would've done the same thing if he were here. Sam started asking Dean about what hunts he has gone on recently. Sam sounded and looked like he wasn't really interested. After Dean answered him there was an extremely long awkward silence. I asked them if they wanted something to drink. They both declined my offer. Then we sat for another minute of awkwardness.
I decided to turn on the TV to break some of the silence. When I turned it on an old episode of "Charmed" happened to be on. It was one about Wendigos. Both Dean and Sam said it was wrong what they were saying about the lore. Dean started explaining it to me. It was very interesting. I had no clue that a Wendigo used to be human. After he finished explaining it to me we continued watching the episode.
While we were watching Dean decided to put his arm around me. Without thinking I leaned into him and put my hand on his leg. Dean started playing with my hair with the hand he had around me. I was getting very comfortable in his arms until I noticed Sam looking at us. I hurried up and sat up straight. Sam then asked Dean if he had ever met my current boyfriend. Dean took his arm off from around me and asked Sam to repeat the question. Sam repeated the question. Dean looked at me confused and annoyed. He could tell by my nervousness that I had lied to Sam about us. Dean just responded with no. Sam said all right then and gave me a strange look. I got up and told them I was going to get some water from the kitchen. I gestured for Dean to go up to my bedroom. As I was in the kitchen I heard Dean say he had to go to the bathroom. When I came out of the kitchen I told Sam I was going to my room to lie down.
When I got to my room Dean was already in there sitting on my bed. He said, "So, I take it you haven't told Sam about us." I told him I hadn't. He asked me why, was it because I still had feelings for Sam. I told him no, it was because I didn't want Sam's disapproval. I didn't want another person telling me I was making the wrong choice, especially someone whose opinion really matters to me. Dean asked me if I thought I was making the wrong choice. I grabbed Dean by the face, told him I loved him and then kissed him. He was pretty happy with the answer. He asked if I had any plans of telling Sam. I told him, teasingly, that I'd tell him after the first ten years are done. Dean laughed, gave me a kiss, and then left to go downstairs.
I decided to just stay in my room after he left. I turned on my iPod and laid down. I was starting to drift away when I heard a knock at my door. It was Sam, he wanted to talk. I invited him in and he sat down on my bed. He asked me what was going on between Dean and me. I told him nothing was going on, we were just friends. Sam said that was a load of crap, he saw how close we were getting on the couch. He said if he didn't know any better he would think we were a couple. He went on about how he saw how his brother looks at me and how I look at him. He asked me again if there was anything going on between us. I finally told Sam that I did like Dean and Dean has admitted to having feelings for me, but we both agreed that a relationship would be too difficult with Dean traveling so much. Sam then asked me about my boyfriend in Texas and if he knows. I confessed to Sam that he didn't really exist. Sam asked about the ring and whom it was really from. I told him it was from Dean because he wanted me to promise that when I'm thirty if neither of us is married or in love then we would marry each other. Sam seemed surprised by this. He never thought of his brother as the marrying type. I told him I didn't think so either until Dean got me the ring and made the promise. Sam just seemed so surprised by this news. I couldn't imagine what his reaction would be if he knew the truth. Sam was about to leave when he turned around and told me to be careful with Dean because he is known for being a heartbreaker. I told him not to worry so much about me. He told me it was too hard not to and then he left.
I just went back to listening to music and relaxing. Fifteen minutes later Dean came to ask me if I wanted to go get dinner. I told him sure. We asked Sam if he wanted to join, but he declined. When Dean and I got back Sam was already upstairs getting ready for bed. Dean asked if he could stay the night here since my father was out of town. I was a bit hesitant at first, but I figured why not. Dean was glad; he didn't feel like driving back to the motel. He and I didn't do much besides make out because I'm still not ready yet. Dean has been so good during this whole week. He is disappointed, but he doesn't pressure me into having sex again. He understands that it is a traumatic experience. He wants to kill Zack so badly for putting me though this again.
May 13, 2004
I could just about kill Dean right now. He came in here last night drunk. I hadn't seen Dean all day. I had work until four and then came home to eat some dinner and relax. Sam and I made a pizza in the oven and put a movie on. I was exhausted because it was a busy day at work. During the movie I had fallen to sleep. When I woke up the movie was over and Sam was just watching the news.
They were in the middle of a special about the health risk of going to the salad bar when there was a loud knock at the door. Sam and I both jumped. I went to open the door and Dean pushed right past me. I could smell the whiskey and cheap beer on him when he walked past. Sam could smell it too. He asked Dean if he was drunk. Dean told him he was. Dean came over by me and started pushing my hair out of my face. I was a little confused and asked him what he was doing. Dean ignored the question and asked Sam, "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she just the most gorgeous girl ever?" Sam was a little worried and just said, "I guess so." Dean turned, looked at Sam and told him too bad because I was his. I told Dean that was enough; he needed to go lie down somewhere. He said he wasn't sleepy and would much rather stay down here. I told Dean that was fine and got him a glass of water.
When I came back Dean asked Sam if he knew that he and I had had sex. Sam looked at me and said no. I was furious at Dean for saying something. Then Dean asked Sam to guess how many times. Sam said he didn't care. Dean answered his own question and said he lost count after we reached fifteen. I couldn't believe what Dean was telling Sam. Drunk or not he shouldn't have told him. Sam was annoyed by Dean's behavior; he started pacing back and forth. Dean walked over to Sam and thanked Sam for breaking me in. That was way over the line. Before thinking Sam punched Dean. Dean went flying into the kitchen counter. I ran over to Dean to see if he was okay. He said he was fine. I helped him up, but then he said he was feeling queasy. I hurried up and ran him over to the toilet. We got there right before he started throwing up. He must've drunk a lot because he was at the toilet puking for a good hour and a half.
While Dean was in the bathroom I went outside to talk to Sam. I told him he shouldn't have punched Dean. What he said was uncalled for and rude, but he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. Sam admitted that he shouldn't have punched Dean, but he wasn't sorry he did. Then Sam asked me if what Dean said about us having sex was true. I told him it was true. He asked me for how long. I told him since Thanksgiving. Sam was acting like I had cheated on him or something. Sam finally asked the big question of whether or not I was in love with Dean. I thought about how to answer this question, but I guess my long pause gave Sam his answer. He asked me if Dean and I were together. I gave him the same response as I did before using the whole traveling thing as an excuse.
Sam was about to ask me more when I told him I was going to go check on Dean. When I got back to the bathroom Dean had sobered up a little. He was done throwing up. I helped him get undressed and then had him take a shower because he smelled like vomit and booze. While he was in the shower I asked Sam if Dean could borrow a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Sam said that was fine and then asked me how I could take care of Dean after how he acted. I told him I was mad at Dean, but I loved him at the same time. After his shower Dean put on the clothes I brought him and went to sleep in my bed. I stayed up a little while longer to clear my head. When I went into my room Dean was passed out.
When I woke up this morning Dean was still asleep. I hadn't expected him to be awake. I had to go to work otherwise I would've still been sleeping. Sam was already up and eating breakfast. He asked how Dean was. I told him he was still asleep upstairs. Shortly after that I left to go to work. I told Annabelle all about what happened. She just told me Sam was bound to find out eventually. I knew she was right. As much as I didn't want Sam to know he was going to.
After my shift was over Dean was waiting for me outside. Right away he started apologizing. I told him I was over it. Sam was going to find out eventually I just didn't want it to be like that. I asked him why he felt the need to get drunk to tell him. He said he didn't plan on getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. He had planned on just coming over. He arrived first when Sam and I were watching the movie. I had fallen to sleep and was lying on Sam. Sam had his arm around me and kept looking down at me. Dean had feared that Sam and I were starting to get feelings for each other again. After he saw this he went back to his motel room with a bottle of Jack and a six-pack of Miller. I asked him how much he even remembered from last night. He admitted not much. Sam filled him in on some of the details.
So basically Dean was jealous of Sam and I. I knew it wouldn't make him feel any better, but I told him there was nothing going on between Sam and I. Sam is in love with Jess and I am in love with him. Dean said he knew that, but he knows that you never forget your first love. I reminded him that Sam hurt me badly when he cheated on me with Jess. Dean said there was one thing bothering him about my relationship with Sam. He wanted to know if I had had my baby with Sam would I have gone back to him. I told him I had no plans of telling Sam we had a son when I was pregnant, so probably not. Dean sort of liked this answer. He then asked me if I thought we would be together if I had Sam's son. I told him that was hard to predict because I didn't really know him until after I lost the baby. I told him if it was meant to be we would've. I told him that I probably would've fallen for his charm then. I then asked him if it mattered, we were together now. He just said he was curious. It sounded to me like Dean was trying to find out if we were soul mates or not. I'm really not sure if Dean and I would be together if I had little Robert Samuel. Who knows where I would be right now if I had him. My life would've been entirely different. Would I have told Sam? Would Sam have quit school to help raise the baby? Would Dean and I have gotten so close? Those questions are unanswerable.
May 16, 2004
The police finally got back to me about what is going on with Zack. Since I am pressing charges they need a statement from any witnesses and me. Sam is my only witness. Basically they want me to explain what happened. For once this journal came in handy because I had stuff written from that day that I could use in the statement. Both Sam and Dean tried to get their hands on it so they could read what I wrote about them. Sam came very close, but I stopped him in time. I snatched it out of his hands and hit him over the head with it. Dean tried to play it cool and said he didn't need to read what I wrote about him because it was all good stuff.
My dad finally called to see how things were going. I told him we were doing fine. He said that he met up with some other hunters and they are going to go hunting together. He said he shouldn't be home for a while. I asked him where John was. He said he was meeting up with Dean somewhere. I was confused because Dean never mentioned that he would be leaving soon.
May 23, 2004
Dean left to go meet his dad for a hunt. Now it is just Sam and I. It's not terrible, but I already miss Dean. Sam isn't all that fun. He is usually on the phone with Jess talking about their days. When I am not working I am at home watching TV and movies. I need to make some more friends. Luckily I have Annabelle to keep me sane. If it weren't for her I would be going crazy. I can tell her anything and everything. She is like an older sister to me.
June 2, 2004
This week has been a really bad week. First off I haven't talked to Dean since he left. He keeps telling me he will call me back later, but never does. My father hasn't been home for almost a month. He has called to check in once in a while, but otherwise we haven't talked. To add on to this Annabelle is leaving. Her visa is up next week and is moving back to England. She wants to take me to dinner one last time before she leaves. I'm going to miss her so much. Now whom am I going to talk to about everything? She says I can call or email her whenever. It just won't be the same. Oh, and Zack is back. His shifts aren't the same as mine, but I see him sometimes when I am leaving because his shift is beginning. He hasn't really said anything to me, but just seeing him again gives me the shivers.
I'm not the only one having a bad week. Sam is having a tough time. Jess told him she wants to go on a break for the summer. Sam was not expecting this. He asked her why; she just said it would be easier. Ever since then Sam has just been moping around the house. He had planned on visiting her in July and giving her the promise ring. He asked what he should do with the ring. I told him to keep it incase they get back together. He liked my optimism. I feel so bad for him. He was so in love with Jess and then she goes and breaks his heart. Sam doesn't know what to do for the next two months he is here. I told him to get a job. He liked the idea and is looking for a job now.
June 10, 2004
Annabelle is now officially gone. She left yesterday in the morning. We went out for dinner the night before she left. I thanked her for everything. She helped me out when I needed money. She knew what my father really did and was okay with it. Lastly, she was my best friend. I don't know what to do now that she is gone. I haven't really talked to anyone about how I feel. Sam is too busy looking for a job and thinking about Jess to notice. Dean doesn't pick up when I call, and my father is too busy hunting. I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings out there I am going to explode.
June 16, 2004
So, Sam got a job. He is working at the coffee shop with me. He took over Annabelle's job. Sometimes we have the same shift, sometimes we don't. He just started the other day and is catching on quickly. The female customers really like having him there. Some of the female workers like having him here too. Lauren, one of our co-workers, asked me if he was single. I told her he just got out of a very serious relationship. She asked me if he was looking for a rebound and I told her no. Other co-workers seem to be jealous because Sam and I live together, even though they all know I am dating Dean. Speaking of Dean I still haven't talked to him. I feel like he is avoiding me. Did I do something? Did he do something? Is he hurt? Is he even alive? I would just like to hear his voice besides on his voicemail recording. I've stopped leaving him voicemails because it seems pointless.
June 23, 2004
So it is getting spread around work that Sam and I slept together. I'm not sure who started the rumor, but it is not funny. Technically it is true, but it was a long time ago. Sam has tried to find out who started it, but hasn't found anyone yet. I've had several co-workers ask how he was, how big he is, and how he compared to his brother. It's times like these I wish Annabelle were here. She would stand up for me. I mean Sam is sticking up for the two of us, but it is just not the same.
June 28, 2004
I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now. I need Annabelle so badly; she would know how to make this situation all better. It is so uncomfortable in my house right now after what happened.
I was sitting in my room when I decided to call Dean one more time. I pressed send on my cell phone and waited for the other end to start ringing. But I didn't hear any rings; instead I heard a recording telling me this number has been disconnected. That was the final straw for me. I was furious. I sat there thinking about everything that has been going wrong, Annabelle leaving, Zack being back, my father being gone for almost two months, the rumors going on at work, not talking to Dean for a month, and now Dean's cell being shut off. I sat there taking it all in. I couldn't take it anymore and started crying.
While I was in the middle of crying Sam came in to see if I wanted any dinner, but noticed me crying. He sat down next to me on the bed and asked what was wrong. I told him everything was wrong. He scooted over and put his arm around me for comfort. I started telling him everything that was wrong. After I told him everything I started bawling. I dug my head into Sam's chest and just cried for about fifteen minutes. Sam kept telling me everything was going to be okay.
When I finally had no more tears left I took my head off his chest and thanked him for comforting me. He said it was no problem and wiped the tears off my face. We sat there staring into each other's eyes until finally Sam pulled me in for a kiss. I wasn't really thinking and started kissing him back. We were really getting into it when I finally snapped out of it and pushed Sam away. I told him I couldn't do this and ran away from him to the garage. That is where I am right now.
I can't believe what happened. Does this mean Sam likes me again? Should I tell Dean? How could Sam have done something like that? He knows about my feelings for Dean. How is Dean going to take this if I tell him?