disclaimer: sm owns twilight.
-O-
February 1998
"Okay, Bella, how did your week go?"
It was time for my weekly appointment with the therapist that Mrs. Cope suggested to my parents. My perfect grades were dropping and I had no interest in being social with anyone, so they all started to worry about me. It had only been a month since Angela passed away; what did they expect? That I'd be smiley and giggling?
"Fine," I mumbled, keeping my eyes locked on the floor. I didn't like the way she made eye contact with me.
"Your mom says that you still aren't eating much..." I hated the tone of her voice. "We were going to work on that this week, so what happened?"
Not able to withstand anymore, I blew up. "We were trying, but we feel like vomiting everything when we eat, so please... do not talk of it as though it's so easy. I see her body, covered in blood... it makes me sick. I close my eyes to go to sleep at night... and I see her eyes looking at me, and it makes me sick. I go to school and I listen to all the whispers from assholes that call themselves her friends, but they just want attention and a reason to get out of class… and that makes me sick. I hate everything about my life."
But I didn't stop there. "And I hate that you refer to everything as we... we aren't working on anything together. It's just me. I have no one."
"Obviously you have a family that cares about you; they're trying to get you help. I think you're wrong when you say you have no one."
I decided to tune out her nonsense and just nod and smile for the remainder of my appointment.
ooOoo
March 1998
From: Cullen, Edward
To: Swan, Bella
Date: March 5th, 1998 21:23
Subject: Therapy
Bella,
I don't know if you're actually getting these, but I hope you are. I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm more than willing to listen. I lost my best friend when I was twelve. He was hit by a car when we were out riding our bikes. I know that I can give you my sob story and nothing will compare to what you've gone through, but I'd like to think that we both know what it feels like to lose someone we were so close to.
Therapy sucks, I'm sure. Ben has kept in contact with me and said that he's being forced to talk to someone. He said you were, too. It doesn't matter what they say, nothing makes sense even though they try to do just that with a bad situation.
Anyway, I hope this email gets to you... and I hope you're reading still.
Talk to you later,
Edward
.
It was his fifth letter to me. I didn't really expect to receive another one after the very first, but surprisingly, he sent me a small message a few days later, asking if I'd gotten his email. I didn't respond, hoping he'd take the hint that I didn't really want anything to do with his man-whorish ways. But then he kept emailing me. Sometimes he'd tell me how crappy school was, and other times he would just talk about random things – funny stuff, which was probably mean to make me laugh, but it didn't work.
Nothing worked.
My mom took me to Castle Rock every other weekend, where we would shop for clothes because she thought that would cheer me up. And at school, all of my teachers were more than understanding, though I had given up on striving for the best like I had before. I was failing two classes and the others were almost there, too.
"Dinner's ready," my dad said as he passed by my room. I closed out my email and rolled my eyes, wondering why Edward Cullen was trying to get to know me now. I was a lot more fun when Angela was alive. Now, I just hated everything – including his stupid emails.
Once I got to the dinner table, my mom started in, though she was pretty nice about it. "Alice is coming to visit for a while. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"Yes." Alice was my cousin and someone I looked up to a great deal. She was older, twenty three, and married to the man of her dreams, had a good career... and she lived far away from Salida. I envied her because I wished more than anything I didn't live in Salida. I hated my school – Angela's locker was right beside mine – our desks were always side by side, and in Bio, we were partners. There were too many reminders of her all around me. When we had to find partners for a lab project, everyone was already paired up with their friend; I was the nineteenth student, left with no one. I was pawned off on grouping with Mike and Eric. I ended up leaving school a little earlier than usual that day and worked out an arrangement to write a twenty page report, rather than do the partnered lab project. Just as I suspected, school was unbearable.
"Jasper has to work, so she'll just be coming by herself – probably a couple of weeks or so."
Alice called me several times after the accident and unlike times in the past, she just wasn't able to cheer me up. I tried to put on a happy face for everyone, but I couldn't. At school, I could hear the whispers; everyone thought I should have been over her death already. I don't think anyone realized how close we were. We had our lives planned around each other. We were both going to University of Colorado, both majoring in Education, and we would both find teaching jobs at the same school.
I had no plans now.
"She'll be here next Friday, so make sure you've got your room clean. We'll set her up on your futon. Sound good?" My mom found that keeping herself busy was exactly what she needed to get her through her tough time. She tried to make me see that if I stayed busy with my school work, then I'd get my mind off of the accident.
"Sounds good."
ooOoo
April 1998
From: Cullen, Edward
To: Swan, Bella
Date: April 1st, 1998 13:33
Subject: Happy April Fool's Day
Bella,
Happy April Fool's Day. I hope yours was better than mine. My roommate thought it would be hilarious to put blue hair coloring in my shampoo bottle. I had an appointment to meet with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital I want to work at someday... I'm hoping to become a volunteer in the surgical ward. I've been dying to be a surgeon ever since I can remember, so needless to say, I didn't really feel comfortable going to that initial interview with blue hair.
My day sucked ass.
How's therapy going? You never responded to my last email... or the ones before that. I'm assuming you're still having a hard time connecting to anyone, otherwise I'd think you really disliked me. I can't really blame you, though. That night at the party – I hated that you walked in on us. I felt dirty because frankly, Lauren is just that – dirty.
Do you... hate me or something?
I'm going to keep writing to you until you tell me that you are tired of me flooding your inbox. I hope you had a good day.
Bye Bella,
Edward
.
I found myself smiling after reading his email. I liked the small glimpses into his life at college. I never even knew him when he was in Salida, so it was still surprising that he would be trying to... become my friend. However, I couldn't find the nerve to write back to him. I didn't know what to say, especially after all the months I had spent reading his emails.
"What are you smiling about over there, B?"
Alice and I were getting ready for bed when I took a quick break to check my email. My day hadn't been too bad, and actually, things had been looking up ever since Alice arrived. She'd been there for a week and a half so far and was staying one more week before she went back home to Texas. I dreaded when she had to leave, but I tried not to focus on the fact that it was happening soon.
"Nothing."
"Doesn't look like nothing to me, girlie."
I felt my face blush as I glanced at the computer screen again. "This guy..."
Alice's face lit up as she jumped on my bed with me. "Edward. Hmm... Why have I not heard about him before?"
"There's not really been much to say about him. He didn't pay much attention to me when he actually went to school here... and after... after Ang died, he started emailing me for some reason that I still have yet to figure out."
"Maybe he wants to be a friend to you, B... but what's he talking about here? What'd you walk in on?" Alice asked as she skimmed through the email.
Blah, this was not something I wanted to talk about. "I was looking for Angela and Ben... walked into Ben's room, only to find Edward and another girl... she was going down on him."
"Wow."
"Yeah. Wow. Did I mention that I had the worst crush on him?"
"Ouch, that must have been tough to witness, babe."
"It was. But I had Angela after it happened... she nicknamed him MW. We would be walking down the hall; she'd see him and whisper MW while making a gag-face. MW, Man-whore."
"And this crush... do you still have one on him?"
"No, or else I'd be squealing over his emails."
"Babe, you're smiling more than you have in the last week I've been here... and not to sound conceited, but I've always been able to put a smile on your face, and I haven't so far. He must mean something to you still."
I shrugged, my face still burning. "I'm just... I don't know why he's even interested in contacting me now. I was around him a lot during basketball season before, and he never really acknowledged me but once or twice. So... it just doesn't make sense to me."
"B, you're the coach's daughter. How do you think it would have looked if this older guy showed any interest in the coach's daughter, who happened to be a little freshman?"
I scoffed. "Yeah, and I'm still the coach's daughter... and he's still the older guy who happens to be attending college. What's the difference?"
"I don't know, but I think you should maybe send him a note back. Don't keep him hanging... I mean, how many emails has he sent to you?"
"About twenty or so now..." I mumbled.
"Okay, wow. So you're going to write him a quick email while I look through your yearbook to see why you were crushing on him," Alice said excitedly as she stood from my bed and hurried over to my bookshelf.
I typed out a quick email, but saved it as a draft, lying to Alice that I'd actually sent it to him. When she found Edward's picture, she was floored and wondering how I was able to ignore him.
"He's the one, B."
I laughed loudly and closed my laptop. "You're insane."
"And you're lovesick."
"Am not."
"Yes, you are."
ooOoo
May 1998
Around the end of the month, my parents shocked me when they announced that if my grades were passing by the end of the semester, I would get to go spend the entire summer with Alice. To say that I was excited would have been a huge understatement. All I wanted was to get away from home... to get away from the memories of past summers that Angela and I had spent together, and now I was being offered that, plus I'd get to spend it with Alice.
I felt guilty for leaving my mom all summer, but she insisted that she wanted me to have some fun with Alice. I closed myself off from all of the people that called themselves my friends. Ben tried reaching out to me a few times, but when I got word of him dating one of his senior friends, it disgusted me and I wanted nothing to do with him. I knew that the guy wasn't going to be single for the rest of his life, pining over his first love, but I didn't expect him to move on so soon.
I spent most of May working on getting my grades up and taking my driver's education course in the evening. Every time I came to a stop sign, I wondered what had been going through Angela's head when she had just kept rolling past the sign. I wanted to know what was so damn important that she'd had to reach for – she couldn't have waited a few more minutes until she arrived home. I just didn't understand it.
On the last day of school, I ignored everyone as they made plans for partying all weekend. I was invited to a few parties, but I knew they didn't really want "depressed Bella" there – it was out of pity or something, and to be honest, I had no interest in going. I got my learner's permit on that day as well and when my mom mistakenly drove down the road where Angela had her accident, I had a minor freak out. I couldn't see that spot again, even if it meant a few extra minutes to get home, taking the long way around town.
Later that night, I snuck out of my house for the first time in my life. I felt so... disconnected from Angela. I was starting to forget what her voice sounded like. I couldn't remember small things about her, and it drove me insane. I thought maybe if I went to her grave, it might make me feel somewhat closer to her, more connected. I hadn't been there at all, but we'd passed by the cemetery several times each week, seeing as it was less than a mile down from our house, and I could see the very large flower arrangements that her mom had placed there each week.
As I walked quickly down the side of the road, I prayed my parents didn't hear me climbing down the lattice beside my window. I wanted to be alone. My mother kept offering to go with me to Angela's grave, but I couldn't imagine standing there with my mother as I asked my friend, who wasn't there, why she had to leave me.
Once I made it to the cemetery, sliding between the wide-barred gates, I headed over to her grave that lay beside the only tree in the lot. There were at least fifteen bouquets of flowers, a few stuffed animals, and a cross, placed in front of the headstone.
I threw my sweater on the ground and sat down on it, staring at the words in front of me. Loving daughter, granddaughter and friend. I read the words aloud, over and over again. It was so unreal – sitting at my best friend's grave. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were going to grow old together. My own brothers never treated me like a sister, but Angela did.
"Why did you leave me here? Are you watching me from up there? What would you do if it were me? How would you handle it? I wonder if everyone would look at you like you're insane like they do with me. It's humiliating to be the person that everyone whispers about. They look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy... I am seeing a therapist after all. She's not helping at all, though. Nobody understands me.
"And do you know what the craziest thing is? Edward Cullen is emailing me now. It's laughable, though. I mean, why would he even think of me now? It's not like I ever mattered in the past. And I have no one to tell this to, Ang. You would be freaking out right about now... telling me to email him back, but I can't bring myself to do it. I just... I miss this stuff. I miss telling you everything. I miss your advice...
"What am I supposed to do now?"
I sat in silence, wiping my tears away as the wind picked up slightly. I wished more than anything that she would haunt me; play a joke or something on me to let me know that she was there. Everyone kept telling me that she was looking down on me from heaven. If she was, I was sure that she'd be crying even though they all said there were no tears in heaven. She didn't want to leave her family and friends. Why would she not be crying?
With no more questions to ask, I stood up, dusted myself off and grabbed my sweater. "I miss you and love you."
ooOoo
June 1998
From: Cullen, Edward
To: Swan, Bella
Date: June 2nd, 1998 02:37
Subject: Summer
Bella,
I'm back home for the summer – in Marshall, TX. Have you ever been out this way before? It's really nice, but hot as hell. So humid. I missed it so much, though. Those years in Salida just about killed me. I hated being away from my friends here, but then things started to get better eventually.
I'm hoping things are getting better for you now. Has the therapist helped?
I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. There were times I didn't think I'd be able to pull off passing grades, but I did. How did your grades turn out? I'm sure you got all A's. Your dad always said that you were extremely smart without even trying. I sometimes don't know how I'm ever going to make it to med school, but I hope I do. It will make my parents proud; especially my dad... and I suppose I'll be proud of myself, too.
I'm just lazing around my house all summer. What about you?
Talk to you soon,
Edward
.
Regardless of how hard I tried to ignore his emails, he'd started to get to me. I was beginning to worry that he'd stop and I would have nothing to look forward to when I opened my email. Trying not to over think the situation, I responded finally.
.
From: Swan, Isabella
To: Cullen, Edward
Date: June 2nd, 1998 02:53
Subject: Re: Summer
Edward,
I've never been to Marshall, but I have been to East Texas. I have family that lives there. I'm actually staying in Texarkana with my cousin for the summer. I've only been there during the winter time, for a few holidays, so I'm sure the heat will be hard to get used to.
Did you like college? I have no idea where I'm going, but at least I have two years to figure that out. My grades... suffered slightly, but I managed to pass everything.
Thank you for your emails. I really appreciate them.
Bella
.
I stepped away from my desk for just a moment to fold up the last of my clothes I was taking to Texas. My parents were taking me to Colorado Springs early that morning, which happened to be just a few hours away. I couldn't sleep – too excited for my trip. I'd never flown anywhere before, and even though my mother was worried sick about me flying alone for the first time, I was thrilled. We'd visited our family in Texas in the past, but we always drove the fifteen hour trip to get there. Alice and Jasper insisted on buying me a plane ticket, so my parents didn't have to spend more than a day driving me all the way to Texas only to turn around and come home..
I didn't really know what to pack because I was sure our summers in Colorado were different than Texas summers. I could wear jeans and a t-shirt here, but in Texas, Alice said I would die of a heat stroke if I wore anything but shorts and a tank top. Alice planned on taking me shopping the day I arrived; I was flying into Dallas, which was a couple of hours away from her house, so we were going to spend the night there.
When I got back to my desk, I caved in and checked my email... just in case he'd responded.
And he had.
.
From: Cullen, Edward
To: Swan, Isabella
Date: June 2nd, 1998 03:09
Subject: Re: Summer
What are you doing up so late, young lady? It's 3 a.m. your time! I'm allowed to stay up this late... lol.
I've been to Texarkana before. It's really pretty there – lots to do, too. And my hometown, Marshall, is only an hour or so away. Any plans while you're there?
I'm trying to figure out something to do all summer. My parents are traveling, so I'll be on my own all summer, not that I mind. They offered for me to go as well, but they haven't had time to do anything for themselves in a really long time, so I opted to stay.
Thanks for emailing me back. It's nice to hear from you.
Edward
.
For the first time since I began receiving emails from Edward, I actually felt... happy. I honestly thought for the longest time that he thought I was someone else or something, considering he'd never shown any interest in me before. That was the only explanation I could come up with as for why he was talking to me. It still didn't make sense, but I was finally allowing myself to be excited.
.
From: Swan, Isabella
To: Cullen, Edward
Date: June 2nd, 1998 03:21
Subject: Re: Summer
You're not that much older than me, so I think the staying up late issue... shouldn't be an issue. If you must know, I'm packing for my trip. Two months' worth of clothes is a lot to pack. Every time I zip up my suitcase, I remember something else I forgot.
I don't have a lot of plans for the summer. My cousin and her husband plan on taking me to all of the surrounding places. I'm looking forward to seeing the bath houses in Hot Springs. Boring, I know, but I like historical stuff. Have you been there before? Probably not – I'm sure you're into different things than that.
That's nice of you to give your parents some time alone. Where are they traveling to? My parents are going to be in Salida, of course. I don't think my dad has ever thought to take my mom somewhere anywhere. I hope when I'm married someday that my husband and I travel all over the place. I never want to be stuck in one place – especially not Salida.
I can't believe you're going to be a doctor one day – really cool. Have you decided what kind of doctor you want to be? I can't really handle blood, at all, so I know a medical profession is out of the question for me. I'll probably end up teaching or something; I haven't really decided.
Well, I guess I should finish packing. My flight leaves in four hours. It was nice talking to you.
Thanks,
Bella
.
Even though it was just an email, it was the most interaction I'd had with anyone since Angela died, outside of Alice and my mom. It was nice to just... let go. I had no idea why I started talking about my future and what I hoped for in a marriage, and after I sent it, I was blushing furiously, trying to find out if there was a 'un-send' option.
Almost instantly, another email appeared in my box.
.
From: Cullen, Edward
To: Swan, Isabella
Date: June 2nd, 1998 03:24
Subject: Re: Summer
I think you should do whatever makes you happy – something that keeps you smiling.
Good night – safe travels – and I hope to talk to you soon, sweet girl.
Edward
.
And that's how our friendship began.
-O-
A little progress, eh? :) Let me know what you thought and I'll send a teaser to ya!
Fic Recs:
Dear Mr. Masen by jendonna
The Practice of Love by belladonnacullen
The Arranged Marriage by shasta53
Big thanks to Jen328 - ren pen ninja, and to my pre-readers - Teacher1209 and Jadsmama. And many thanks to all of you for reading!