Momentary Relapse Chapter 4: Strength, a twilight fanfic

Momentary Relapse Chapter Four: Strength

A/N: I'm bringing this story back from the grave because I'm in desperate need of a creative outlet. I certainly won't be posting every day but I will finish this work eventually. I hope you enjoy this! Let me know what you thought!

Songs (aka the set list for this show):

Pretty When You Cry by Lana Del Rey

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene by Hozier

The Louvre by Lorde

No. 1 Party Album by Arctic Monkeys

Too Late to Say Goodbye by Cage the Elephant

Liability by Lorde

Fiction by The xx

Weight of Love by The Black Keys

Cruel World by Lana Del Rey

Angela by The Lumineers

Liability (Reprise) by Lorde

Angels by The xx

Cleopatra by The Lumineers

Video Games by Lana Del Rey

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*EPOV-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The first simple, haunting chords rose from the dark stage, the band in place, as Izzy walked on stage. And as the lights rose, the first words rang out. And I saw, for the first time in six years, the most beautiful face in the world.

All the pretty stars shine for you, my love
Am I the girl that you dream of?
All those little times you said that I'm your girl
You make me feel like your whole world

She was perfection. She stood on stage, lithe and toned, like a tiger ready to pounce. The microphone was cradled in her hands, held close to her face as she the opening lines into it. She was a goddess clad in black. She was strong, her face chiseled out of stone… until it melted.

I'll wait for you, babe, that's all I do, babe
Don't come through, babe, you never do
Because I'm pretty when I cry

The sheer emotion that poured out of her along with her liquid silver words nearly brought me to my knees.

I'm pretty when I cry

No.

I'm pretty when I cry

Her words pierced my soul, and as the song carried on, the short time we had spent together flashed before my eyes. My most perfect moments, playing in a nostalgic, sepia-tinted reel. Smiles, laughter, love… and then sudden darkness as she sang the words that truly broke my heart.

Don't say you need me when
You're leaving, you leave again
I'm stronger than all my men
Except for you
Don't say you need me then
You live last, you're leaving
I can't do it, I can't do it
But you do it best

And suddenly all I could picture was her broken face as I told her I didn't love her. All I could see was the moment I ruined that perfection – playing in a jagged, broken loop. I had ruined it all. And finally, my knees gave out and I sank to the floor. I vaguely felt Alice beside me, I heard sparse notes from the stage, but everything around me had faded away as my mind froze on the look in her eyes that day in the woods behind her father's home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*BPOV-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

As I finished Pretty When You Cry, I caught Michael's eye, syncing us up for the beginning of Angel of Death. I stepped back as he stepped forward, and the words I'd written poured out of his mouth.

I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful
Toying somewhere between love and abuse
Calling to join them the wretched and joyful
Shaking the wings of their terrible youths
Freshly dissolved in some frozen devotion
No more alone or myself could I be
Looks like a strain to the arms it were open
No shortage of sordid, no protest from me

As the beat picked up, I stepped up to join in the chorus, the words burning and scarring their way out of my mouth. This was a hard song for me to sing still. Like Pretty When You Cry, it was one of the first songs I'd written, and it still brought back memories of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

With her sweetened breath, and her tongue so mean
She's the angel of small death and the codeine scene
With her straw-blonde hair, her arms hard and lean
She's the angel of small death and the codeine scene

When we recorded this song originally, Michael sang the full song, hence the use of 'she'. His voice was so much more suited to the roughness this song deserved. But in performing, we'd added my voice to the chorus so I'd have something to do… and then I gradually took over the most painful of the verses.

Feeling more human and hooked on her flesh I
Lay my heart down with the rest at her feet
Fresh from the fields, all feeder and fur tires
Bloody and raw, but I swear it is sweet

As we wrapped up Angel of Small Death, Michael and I smiled at each other – we'd hit our rhythm, we were 'in the zone' as he used to joke to me back in that small Seattle studio apartment, before we'd moved east, before we'd had the inkling of the thought of forming a band, back when we were just taking out our emotional pain on his battered guitar and my decrepit keyboard. We kept that energy, running through The Louvre, Weight of Love, and Too Late to Say Goodbye, but as the last of the heavy beat faded, I realized it was time.

I'd always hated performing Liability. I'd likened it to 'my Creep' – Thom Yorke had never once let Radiohead play Creep live, despite it being one of the band's greatest hits. It was too deeply personal to him. I always resented having to play Liability, having to be that vulnerable in front of so many people. But the band and the label pressed hard enough, and sure enough here I was, playing it at this show, just like I had at the last and just like I would at the next.

And so, as the lights faded on the rest of the stage, I sat at my piano, and in the harsh light of a single spotlight, I let my fingers touch the keys and pull out the first few notes that always broke my heart.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*EPOV-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

My mind was a haze. I couldn't focus on anything except those teary brown eyes. Eventually, Alice pulled up, resigned to watching the show, but even this I was barely cognizant of. Until, after what felt like decades, I heard the one song that pulled me to my feet – the only one that could have.

Baby really hurt me
Crying in the taxi
He don't wanna know me
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
Says it was poison
So I guess I'll go home
Into the arms of the girl that I love
The only love I haven't screwed up
She's so hard to please
But she's a forest fire
I do my best to meet her demands
Play at romance, we slow dance
In the living room, but all that a stranger would see
Is one girl swaying alone
Stroking her cheek

The simple piano, vaguely reminiscent of that lullaby I had written so long ago, accompanied by the heartbreaking words… I watched, as her fingers danced so carefully over the keys, as her face screwed up, as she did all she could to keep it together through the song.

They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer's
Eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own

They're gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun

As the last notes faded, she, Bella, stood up from the piano, her back determinately to the audience. She picked up a flask that had been tucked behind the piano, downed it in a matter of seconds and turned back to the audience. Her pain was tucked back away, her face a mask of steel as she walked out to the end of the catwalk, microphone in hand, to continue the show. Every song she sang was another dagger in my heart, until finally, mercifully, she wished the crowd goodnight.