- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: You're going to love this chapter. Manlove, swearing, LIMEY, LEMONEY GOODNESS! Johnny-bashing and a seahorse song(ish)…
- A/N: Why is it that this story gets more reviews than anything else I write?! Surely it's not THAT funny… (I can see everyone disagreeing with me in their reviews, now…) Anyway, I said this chapter contained a bit of a twist (hopefully). It's a twist that some of you are going to love… I think StZen in particular is going to love it… :P Enjoy!
Chronicles Of Max
Chapter 4: You Are My Only Seahorse
Sunday 30th March '08
8.05 in the am
Kai is thinking of starting his own diary, apparently. That's what he's gotten me up at eight o'bloody'clock in the morning for, anyway. In fact, what he said, was:
"Max, I want to start a diary. Can I borrow yours to see how it's done?"
Why would you want to steal someone else's diary, just to see how you'd write in it?! I'm getting the idea that Kai is not well in the head, anymore…
My point is, that I am letting him borrow my diary for today, so he can write in it, and then he's going to come back to me with it, and we'll read through it, and then I'll grade him on how well he did.
It was his idea to do the grading, by the way. He believes he's going to be taking an exam and everything. Yes, Kai. It's going to be the "How Well Do You Fill In Your Diary" exam. The sad thing is, when I told him that, he actually believed me. He started panicking, saying he hadn't studied or anything.
Anyway, over to him. Speak later!
8.10
Er, dear diary…
Is that how Max starts his?
No, he can't start it like that. He writes in it too much…
Anyway, I am Kai Hiwatari, and I am entering you…
NO!
I don't mean that! I mean I'm writing an entry in you!
8.15
Tala is bustling around in the bathroom, muttering something about denture bleach. I don't know why he wants it. I don't know why he has it. He's a confusing boyfriend to have. Strangely, he says the same thing about me…
8.20
"Kai?"
"Yesh?"
"Why have I just found a bottle of 'Autumn Red' hair dye?"
Is this a trick question?
"I don't know. Why have you just found a bottle of 'Autumn Red' hair dye?"
"Why is the denture bleach bottle empty?"
"I don't know. Why do you keep asking me?"
"Because you were the one helping me dye my hair yesterday."
"Yeah, and?"
"You were the one who put the dye on."
"Yeah, and?"
"I asked you to make sure you knew which bottle you'd picked up."
"Well, they both looked the same, so I thought it wouldn't matter."
A vein twitched in Tala's temple. Did I just say something wrong?
"You thought it wouldn't matter?!"
"Did I pick up the wrong bottle, then?"
"Obviously, you gay, seahorse-loving twit!"
Er… Oops?
8.25
Tala isn't very happy with me, as he just found out I'd picked up the wrong bottle when dying his hair yesterday. He shouldn't have put the dye next to the bleach! Why do we have denture bleach, anyway?!
"Why do we have denture bleach, anyway?"
Tala is sat on his bed, with his back to me. I think I've really pissed him off.
"We stole it off Voltaire if you remember correctly," he replied matter-of-factly. He still isn't looking at me. "I brought it along, so we could remember stealing it, and have a good laugh about it. But now we can't, considering you've used it on my hair."
"I'm sorry…"
"Sorry isn't good enough. Did you hear about that girl, Georgia Nicolson, who used denture bleach to put two blonde streaks in her hair?"
"No…?"
"The blonde bits snapped off. If I go bald because of you, I'll never forgive you."
"… I'll glue your hair back on if it does fall off…"
Tala turned round and looked at me with his eyebrows raised. I hope I'm imagining this, but one of his strands seems kind of limp… Like my cock. Currently, anyway.
"Tal… One of your strands look kind of limp."
"I haven't put any gel on, yet. You're going to help me dye my hair properly," Tala said to me, standing up.
"But I cocked up yesterday," I said miserably, and pouting. He can't resist my pout. "I'll just cock up again…"
"There's no bleach to confuse it with today… Besides, I'm not really that mad…" Tala said, giving me a hug.
I love his hugs. So warm, and snuggly, and cuddly, and huggy. He's like a big cuddly bear. With less fur.
"Can we have sex, now?" I asked.
"Not yet. You need to help me dye my hair."
"Can we have sex after that?"
"No, we need to annoy Tyson and Max after that. It's on our 'To Do' list."
"Can we have sex after that?"
"Maybe."
"YAY."
8.45
Tala has the dye on his head. He's complaining that it's really itchy. I hope I haven't put toothpaste on by mistake. Or even worse… My pink bubble bath! Oh my God! What if I have?!
"Oh my God, Tala! What if I've put my pink bubble bath on your head instead of the dye, and that's why it's all itchy?!"
Tala just stared at me.
"If you'd put bubble bath on my hair… My head would be all bubbly."
Ooooh yeah. Of course it would. I still need to check, though. I zoomed into the bathroom.
"Are you checking?" Tala called to me.
"Yup."
"What's the verdict?"
"I didn't put my bubble bath on your head."
"I told you. It's just the hair dye, Kai. Now get back in here."
I zoomed back into the bedroom. Tala was all spread-eagled on the bed, smothering his (or, our, as we seem to sleep in the same bed) pillow with red hair dye.
"Tala, get off the bed! You're going to dye the sheets!" I squealed.
"For fuck's sake, Kai. Here I am, offering myself to you, with my legs akimbo, and all you can bloody think about are the bed sheets?!"
"… Yes. YOU'LL STAIN THEM!"
"You are impossible."
9.03
I've shoved Tala's head in the sink to wash off the hair dye. I don't know if it was a good idea, because he's turning everything red.
"Why do you have to insist on having red hair?" I asked.
"At least it's not blue. Unlike some."
"I'm not the one dying my hair blue."
"Well, neither am I. I'm dying it red."
That comeback backfired, I think. Once I was sure the hair dye was all out, I picked up a towel to start drying Tala's hair with. Just as I was about to shove it on his head, he started shaking his head about like a dog, sending water everywhere.
"Oi, you're getting everything wet!" I yelled.
"We're in the fucking bathroom, everything tends to get wet, anyway!"
"It doesn't need to get any wetter!"
"Will you stop complaining about everything?!"
"No! Get this fucking towel on your head before I butt-rape you!"
"Ooooh, is that an offer?"
I am LOSING this battle.
"Tala, just dry your hair, or no sex for you today."
"That's OK. You were the one asking for sex earlier, not me."
"But you just wanted sex, too."
"I wanted you to make the first move for once. But you didn't."
I give up. This conversation is confusing my tiny brain.
"Just… Shut up. I'm going to bang next door."
"Are you now?"
"Yes, and bang them all I will!"
Tala raised his eyebrows at me, as I walked with my head held high straight into the closed door. Bollocks.
9.05
To honk, or not to honk, that is the question? I never want to honk the horn, because you're supposed to honk it when you're horny, apparently. That's what this sign says, anyway. But then the other sign says you have to honk for the attention of Max and Tyson. And someone's scribbled under it "and bump".
I want a bump.
Well, obviously not just a bump. I want a bump with a baby in it. Otherwise I'd just be fat. And that would be horrific. How would I bounce up and down on Tala if I was jump of lard. You could just see the headlines now:
"Tala Ivanov, great redheaded, gay Russian Beyblader gets killed during sex by being bounced on by a lump of lard that looks suspiciously like Kai Hiwatari (also gay)."
… How did I start thinking about that, again? Oh yes… The horn. To honk, or not to honk, that is the question.
9.05 and a half
Honk.
"Oh, it's you again," Max answered the door.
Well, that's nice.
"I came to bang you," I said.
"I beg your pudding?!" Tyson said, also appearing at the door.
"I came to bang you, as well."
"There will be no banging without me," Tala joined in, stepping out of our room.
"No one is going to be banging!" Max interrupted. "Can't you two go and be mad somewhere else?!"
"No," me and Tala replied simultaneously.
"Anyone notice that we missed breakfast?" Tyson said, looking thoughtful.
"Yes," Tala replied. "It's OK, I banged the dinner ladies."
"I banged them, too," I said.
Max and Tyson just stared at me and Tala as if we'd sprouted tentacles.
"I'm not letting you two into this room if you're randomly banging things. I don't know what you've taken, but you're not infecting us with it. Good day to you, sirs," Max said, and shut the door on us.
9.07
Me and Tala are still stood outside the door. I said we should make as much noise as possible so it annoys the Hell out of Tyson and Max, but Tala decided it would be better if we just stayed outside their door, really quietly, so that they don't know we're still here. Then, when they emerge, we grab them by the balls.
I hope Tala was joking about grabbing them by the balls. The only balls I grab are my own. And Tala's. When he lets me. Or when he's been naughty. Or sadistic. Or… I'll stop, shall I?
9.15
The handle is going down… The door is opening…
"SURPRISE!" me and Tala shouted at… Tyson.
"HOLY FUCK!" he shouted back, falling on the floor. "OH MY GODS! I THINK I MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOUR!"
"HOLY FUCK, TALA! WE SENT HIM INTO EARLY LABOUR! THE SEAHORSE!" I shouted at Tala.
"Kai… It's a baby…" Tala replied calmly.
"THE BABY SEAHORSE! IT'S COMING!" I shouted.
"No.. Kai. It's not a seahorse. It's a baby human," Tala explained to me.
"Oh… Yeah. I was getting excited then, sorry."
Tyson and Max stared at me.
"I thought you were going into labour?" I asked Tyson.
"I lied," he replied.
"Why, God, can't I have a normal life, with NORMAL friends?!" Max said, praying to some invisible beardy bloke. Or woman. You never know…
"Because then you wouldn't have many laughs," Tala replied, throwing his arm around Max's shoulders.
"Excuse me, Max, but that is my arm," I said.
"I think you'll find it's attached to my shoulder, therefore it's actually mine," Tala disagreed.
"Max, give me back my boyfriend," I said.
"You can HAVE him," Max replied, shoving Tala in my direction. "I didn't offer my shoulders for him to grab, y'know!"
"It looked that way to me…"
"Well it wasn't!"
"Are you sure…?"
"I am not having this conversation with you. Can you both bugger off?"
"No."
Max hung his head, and Tyson just stared at us. Tala stared at me and I stared at Tyson's bump. Do you think he would notice if I cut it off and attached it to myself? I WANT A BUMP!
"Tala, I want a bump. One with a baby in it," I said.
"Oh, God, not more pregnant men, PLEASE!" Max exclaimed, throwing himself face-first onto his bed. I think he's been traumatised by everything. Including knobs.
Lunch
12.06
"You… You are my only seahorse…" Tala sang to me.
I love Tala. I really do.
"That's so sweet," Mariam said, as I glomped Tala.
"Sickening, more like," Max disagreed.
"You're just jealous, Maxie."
"I am not. If you hadn't noticed, I have a lovely girlfriend of my own, who happens to be you, and you don't see me singing seahorse songs to you over lunch."
"Why don't you? Maybe I'd like it?"
"Do you want me to sing a seahorse song to you, then?"
"Not really."
"Well there we go then. My point is proved."
"What point?"
"I don't know."
I stared at Max and Mariam. They were having one of the most confusing conversations in the history of confusing conversations. And there's a lot of confusing conversations in the history of confus- I'll shut up.
"I WANT SEX!" Tala shouted.
We all looked at him. We being, the entire canteen.
"Well so did I, but you wouldn't do me!" I said.
"Please, guys, no sex talk at the table," Mariam said.
"Sorry," I apologised.
"Tyson, you're being very quiet," Tala said, staring at Tyson… Well, staring at the bump.
"I was inwardly humming a tune to Delilah," Tyson replied.
"Delilah?" Everyone asked.
"Yes… Delilah. If it's a girl, I'm going to call her Delilah," Tyson shrugged.
"THAT'S SO CUTE!" Mariam exclaimed.
"If it's a boy, can you name it Kai?" I asked.
"Er… No."
"WHY NOT?!"
"Because one of you is enough… I don't need my baby to be named after you if it's a boy, too. I just can't imagine two Kais running around."
I hung my head and pouted. Tala came to the rescue.
"Well that's OK. If we ever have a little boy, we won't be calling it Tyson."
"Fine by me," Tyson shrugged again, and resumed inward humming.
"WE CAN HAVE A BABY?!" I shouted. The entire canteen looked at me.
"Er…" Tala shifted about in his seat. I had him now!
"Can we start trying tonight?!" I asked excitedly.
"Kai, are you forgetting that making a baby requires some female parts?" Max asked me. "Tyson only got pregnant because he's weird and has some ovaries as well as a penis."
"Mariam… Lend me your eggs." … I don't say that every day.
"Oh, no, Kai. You are not extracting any of my eggs," Mariam said, holding her hands up to me.
"I WANT EGGS, DAMMIT!" I yelled.
"Fried, scrambled or boiled?!" one of the dinner ladies called back to me.
"FERTILISED! BY TALA!" I yelled back.
"Tala, please sit down. You're embarrassing me," Tala said. He was as red as the ace of spades. No, I don't mean that. He was as red as a tomato.
I sat down, very aware that the entire canteen was staring at me, and that the dinner ladies were now cooking me some eggs. Once again, I had managed to make a complete arse of myself in front of everyone. I blame Tyson. And his bump.
12.15
The dinner ladies have made me boiled eggs. I don't want them! Max has been muttering something about moving far away and not telling anyone where to for the past nine minutes.
Johnny's walked over. I still can't stand him, the stupid, rich, pompous twat.
"Hiwatari… I hear you've gone ga ga for children," Johnny sneered.
"Go finger yourself, Johnny," I replied. Mariam choked on her drink.
"Oooh, touchy. I doubt you're capable of reproducing," Johnny said.
"At least I get laid. Unlike you."
Yes… Tala, what DO you see in this sad excuse for a dude?"
"Why don't you go and read your little porn magazines, Johnny-no-dick?" Tala replied.
Max choked on his drink, too.
"With attitudes like yours, I don't know why Robert's bothering to invite you to the massive party we're throwing tonight."
"Massive party? With all 4 of you?" I raised my eyebrows.
"We'll pass," Tala said.
"Your loss," Johnny said.
"Not really," I said.
"Well, how about it, Max? Mariam? Tyson and bump? Brooklyn who doesn't appear to be here?"
"I'm laying off the parties until baby is born, dude," Tyson said.
"I'm expecting a call from Mariah tonight…" Mariam trailed off.
"I just don't want to come to your stupid party," Max said. "I have much better things to do."
Johnny shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Wow. We all just declined an opportunity to party! Is this a sign of our maturity?
… No.
15.30
I am chasing Tyson around his and Max's room. Max, Tala and Mariam are stood by the door watching. I want Tyson's bump, dammit!
"Give me that bump!" did I mention I was holding a knife?
"Kai, for fuck's sake, will you put that knife down?!" Tala shouted to me.
"Nooooooooo!" I shouted back.
"Kai, you're going to make me go into labour!" Tyson called behind him as he jumped from his bed to Max's.
"Good! Then I'll have the baby and you can keep the fat!" I yelled at him.
"WHO GAVE HIM DRUGS?!" Tyson yelled at Tala, Max and Mariam.
"It wasn't me, officer," Tala held his hands up.
"WILL SOMEONE GRAB HIM?!" Tyson roared.
The next thing I knew, two pairs of hands had grabbed my arms, and pulled me onto the bed, and someone else wrenched the knife from my grip. It was only a butter knife, though… Not exactly dangerous.
"What have I told you about running with sharp objects?" Tala said to me sternly.
"Sorry," I pouted.
"Sorry isn't good enough. You could've really hurt someone this time."
"Who are you, his Mother?" Max asked Tala.
"It feels like it sometimes," Tala replied with a dark look on his face.
"How can I make things better, Tally?" I pouted some more.
"With SEX, of course!" Tala replied, pouncing on me. YAY!
I could see Tyson rubbing his bump, and Max and Mariam just stood next to him. All of them were staring at us.
"HOW DOES SEX MAKE UP FOR CHASING ME ABOUT WITH A BUTTER KNIFE?!" Tyson yelled as Tala carried me off into our own room.
16.00
I am pouting. I thought me and Tala were going to have some sexytime… But now he said it'll have to wait until later, because he has emails to check. I'm all hard now! Stupid, teasing, motherfucking boyfriend…
"Tala… I want sex!" I whined.
"So do I… But it'll have to wait," Tala mumbled back from his perch in front of the laptop.
17.00
I have tried everything. I've paraded around naked (I even answered the door to Max naked, who quickly left), I've made sex noises… I even rested my penis on Tala's shoulder! And he still didn't move! He just shrugged it off as though it was a bug or something!
Right now… I am lay on my own bed (the sheets haven't been washed since we first got here, and they're still clean! Only because we always sleep in Tala's bed…), playing with myself. I'm hoping that this will get Tala's attention…
17.25
Apparently not.
17.30
I'm dressed, and about to leave. I've said to Tala that I'm going to see Max and Tyson, and he merely grunted. Maybe he's more pissed off with me about everything than I thought…
"See you later, then," I said, and opened the door.
"Oi," Tala piped up, spinning round. "Where are you going?"
"Next door to bug Tyson and Max… I did say, but you weren't listening," I said, continuing to walk out the door.
"Nooooooo you don't!" Tala said, launching himself at me, and pulling me back inside our room.
I frowned up at him as he shut the door, and pushed me onto his bed.
"Sexytime!" he announced.
I frowned some more, and pushed him away. He looked at me inquisitively.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"We were going to have sexytime ages ago, but then you turned your attention to the bloody laptop, even though I had the most painful erection, and you didn't even care!" I pouted.
"I'm sawwy," Tala mumbled, coming closer again and nuzzling my neck.
"'Sawwy' doesn't cut it," I said.
"I'll give you lots of attention now."
"I don't want it now."
"Oh, but your penis disagrees."
Betrayed by the cock!
17.36
Tala has ripped my clothes off. He's really impatient when he gets going… He's grinding his erection against mine, and moaning like there's no tomorrow.
"Hurry up," I moaned.
"Oh, shush," he replied, pushing two of his fingers inside me.
I don't know why he bothers to prepare me anymore… He could randomly shove his lovestick in me when I'm asleep, and I still wouldn't notice. Or mind.
"You're leaking," Tala pointed out, nodding to the precome dribbling out of my erection.
"Yes, and you're hardly doing anything about it… Teaser," I rolled my eyes.
Tala grinned and removed his fingers. He then leant down and took my entire erection in his mouth.
"Grrrawwwaaaahhh!" I make the most interesting of sex noises…
"You make the most interesting of sex noises," Tala commented, rising from my PENIS. I've always wanted to write that in big, bold letters…
I just nodded, and watched as he positioned himself at my ARSEHOLE. I've always wanted to write that in big, bold letters, too…
"Put it in!" I complained. Sure, he can be impatient when HE wants to get off, but when it comes to MY needs… Oh no, he has to torture me by going insanely slow.
Tala raised his eyebrows, and shoved his lovestick in me, hitting my prostate head-on, and making me scream. This earned us a very loud thump from next door. Two of them, in fact. Just simultaneously.
17.40
I have decided that I can no longer write our sex scene. Though I can tell you that the sexytime is over. I am exhausted. Tala is singing the 'You Are My Only Seahorse' song to me. I would join in, but I'm too tired.
Room 101, a.k.a. Tyson and Max's room
19.05
I handed the diary to Max. Tyson has gone for a walk, so it is just me and Max. Tala went to get me food. Like, an hour ago. I got bored waiting for him and have come to Max to get my diary entry graded.
"'I am Kai Hiwatari, and I am entering you?'" Max read, looking up and raising his eyebrows at me.
"What? I've never written a diary before," I replied, shrugging.
"I can see that… Oh God… You didn't write the eggs thing in here?"
"Obviously I did."
"And- OH MY GOD! You wrote you and Tala having sex?!"
"Yeah. Don't you write you and Mariam having sex, then?"
"No. But that's mainly because I can't get my penis anywhere near her."
"Teehee… Penis…"
"You are so immature."
"I am not. See? I'm getting pounded into!"
"How did Tala not notice you writing this?"
"I made him wear a blindfold."
"Seriously?"
"Well, no… He closes his eyes, so all I have to do is make moaning noises, lie back and enjoy it, and write in the diary. Simple as."
"Simple as what?"
"… Eggs."
Max flicked back to the beginning of my diary entry, and scanned through it again.
"Well, on the whole, it's not a bad diary entry."
"YES! Do I pass, then? Am I qualified to hold my own diary, now?!"
"… Er, yeah. You get an 'A'."
"FANTESTICLES!"
"There's just one problem."
"What's that?"
Max held the diary up.
"You've written your diary entry in my diary… Not your own."
"Oh. Was I supposed to buy my own diary, then?"
"OBVIOUSLY! You're not getting mine!"
"But yours is so much more interesting to read!"
"GET YER OWN DIARY!"
"I WANT YOURS!"
19.05
"Alright, you can stop writing everything I say now, Kai. Just give me my God damned diary back."
"Sorry."
A/N: All of those that may have done a tiny little wee from laughing too much, say 'FANTESTICLES'!!
… FANTESTICLES!
LOL.
I have bad news… My Mother cancelled our internet today… Which will take effect in 5-10 days… BUT IT'S OK! WE'RE GETTING BETTER INTERNET TOMORROW! :D
It's my birthday on Thursday. -Hint Hint-. I want presents. Well, no. I don't XD I WANT REVIEWS! LOL.