- EMMA'S POV -

Around dinner time, I leave the cemetery and go to Granny's to order some food for me and my family. Dad's still at the Sheriff's station, so I decided to take over for him. There hasn't been much crime I the last five years, so it's enough when one of us works. As soon as I get to the station, dad can go home to mom and Neal. They can have dinner.

I know my dad doesn't like staying at the station for too long since he doesn't want to miss out on normal family life – like he did when I was a kid and they were cursed. I don't mind working late into the night since that at least keeps my thoughts a little bit away. So, my dad and I are kind of a great team. That's probably why we never bothered to get a deputy.

My dad likes going home in the evening and I'm always in need of a distraction for late nights – and the day too, if we're being completely honest here – that's ever since Killian's death and today that need is even bigger than usual because the pain is far more intense, if that's even possible at this point. I was never really into anniversary's, but now I know that they do mean something. Because every year, I feel worse about it all and I mentally go back in time and it feels like leaving him in the Underworld all over again. That's how I know that I'll never be completely ok again.

I can't even really remember a time, in which I wasn't hurting. I know it was that way when Killian was still alive, but that seems lightyears away. I can't really remember what it felt like to be happy.

As soon as I walk into the station, my dad gets up from his desk and walks over to me. I set the takeout food down. He looks at me with a mix of sadness and pity. It's a look I've seen way too many times. My dad then wraps me tightly into his arms, caressing the back of my head.

Ever since Killian died, everyone has been pitying me 24/7. They always act all careful and odd, when I'm in the room, treating me like I'm made of glass and will break the second someone says something insensitive. They are afraid to continue on their normal lives in my presence – they are terrified to hurt me even more than I'm already hurting.

And then there's also the side of the story, in which Killian's loss affected everything and everyone in this town in some way.

I know I always forget it, but I'm not the only one who lost a loved one that day five years ago. It did affect me the most, but that doesn't mean that no one else was hurt. My dad lost the closest thing he had to a best friend. He'd never admit it to anyone, but they were very close friends. They've cared a lot about each other and then there's also the fact that my dad cares a lot about me. He had to go through seeing me get heartbroken, too. The same kind of goes for my mom, even though she wasn't as close to Killian. She did love him for making me happy though.

And then there's Henry. It was traumatic enough for him to see me kill Cruella, but me killing Killian with Excalibur was worse. He cared about Killian, unlike with Cruella. I know I had no other choice but to use Excalibur to get rid of the darkness, but Henry never should've had to witness it. He was only 13 back then and it did break him a little – a part of him will never be the same.

I'll never forgive Regina for letting him see that. She has magic, so she should've taken him away as soon as she realized what was going on.

Henry never should've had to watch someone he loves die. And he did love Killian – I could see it in his eyes when I told him, that Killian had to stay behind. He was wrecked then, trying hard not to cry and Henry isn't really a crier usually. He lost the closest thing to a dad he ever had since he never got to spend any real time with Neal.

In a way he also lost me that day. The old me anyway – the one who wasn't as broken as she is now. Sure I was pretty damaged when I met Henry, but then I changed for the better. I had love in my life for the first time and it fixed me just a little bit more every day. I'll always be grateful, that I got to know my son. He fixed me, and later on my parents and Killian followed suit and did the same thing. With Killian I became more normal, I suppose. I let go of my walls and was able to trust people again, after everyone always let me down in the past.

Both my family and Killian made me a happier person, who was able to love. But now that I've lost Killian, my walls are kind of back. I know I'll never let anyone as close to my heart as I did Killian.

I am even more wary of everything now and sometimes my closed-off-ness makes me feel like a bad mother. Then, I just feel like Henry deserves better than me, and he probably does.

"Are you alright, Emma?" my dad's voice drags me out of the deathly spiral of my own thoughts. He let go of me and is now only holding both my hands, still looking at me with worry written all over his features.

I shake my head. At first, I tried to act all tough and ok five years ago, but I've long since realized that lying doesn't help at all. If anything, it just makes everyone pity me more, which is something that drives me crazy. So, I stopped pretending to be fine because everybody – including myself – knows that I'll never really be okay again. Losing Killian just kind of shattered a piece of my soul, and there's no fixing it.

My dad pulls me into his arms again. I lie my head on his shoulder and sigh. I hold back the tears, that are already forming in my eyes. I've cried enough today.

I was never really a person, who cried a lot. But when I met Killian and he opened up my heart to love, I got more vulnerable. I wasn't scared anymore to show my true feelings. And that's one thing that has stuck, even though the love of my life is gone.

That thought brings me a little bit of happiness. It proves that I did keep my promise to Killian – a little bit at least. I didn't put all my walls up again – just some of them.

I loosen my arms around my dad and eventually let them fall to my side. We both pull away from each other and I give him a weak smile to let him know I'll be okay – I won't be, but I also don't want him to worry, so pretending just this once it is.

"You should go home, dad. I've got the station under control. I brought some food from Granny's for mom, Neal and you. Go enjoy it with them." I lift one of the takeout bags and give it to him.

"You sure you don't want to join us? You shouldn't be alone – not today of all days." He says softly.

I shake my head again. "No thanks, dad. You know I need busy work to keep me from thinking and being sad. I really just want to be alone right now. Give mom and my little brother the best greetings from me."

"Ok. If busy works helps, busy work it is." He picks up his jacket and gives me a kiss on the head. "We love you, Emma. And if you need your family, you can always come over, alright? I don't care how late it is. If you need us, we'll be there for you. Our door is open."

I nod, and dad leaves the station, not missing his chance to give me one last worried glance before he steps through the door.