For Your Sake
Chapter 4: A Boulangerie of Bordeaux
Tomoyo stared back into the midnight blue depths of Eriol's eyes. Was he actually serious? After his cruel jest at her condition she was not sure that she wanted to go anywhere with him. But Sakura had said that men were particularly dense regarding such things, so allowances had to be made. No, she was never going to speak with Eriol again. How could he, albeit male, still be so stupid? No, she had to forgive him. Males were all beyond reproach. At least he could have done it sooner. He had made that cruel jest over a week ago, and she thought that if he had waited any longer there might be no forgiveness. But later was better than never, Sakura-chan had said. Tomoyo smiled resignedly. Always Sakura-chan. She would forgive him. Because Sakura-chan had asked her to.
"I thank you for your offer, Hiiragizawa-kun. I do think that I will accept your apology. Where were you
thinking of going?"
Eriol's handsome face look much relieved. He looked appropriately sorry.
"Well, Daidouji-san, I was thinking of a stroll in a park. The one in the back of my estate. I had someone called in to clear the paths. It is very sunny today. We shouldn't waste this short lapse of good weather, shouldn't we?"
Tomoyo managed to smile.
"What a lovely idea, Hiiragizawa-kun. Please come in. wait just a moment, and let me get ready. And thank you for your lovely offer." She smiled again, and it came a bit easier. That aspirin must be taking effect by now.
Walking into her boudoir, Tomoyo decided on warmth, because she was so delicate to the cold. She put on a dark purple, almost black coat and a pale cream scarf; the soft pashmina fabric was extremely warm. Black leather gloves that had been treated until they were soft as the scarf completed the winter ensemble. She made sure to put on moisturizer and lip balm. Why on earth did Eriol insist on going out?
Eriol stood quickly, turning with almost fluid grace from a tall window, the sunshine sparkling through the panes. He smiled warmly down at her, his midnight blue eyes somehow untouched by the smile.
"Shall we, Daidouji-san?"
"Lets." Tomoyo giggled as he flourished an imaginary cloak and made an elegant bow at her, clicking his heels military style. Then he offered her is arm gallantly. They walked out together.
"It is very beautiful here in your garden. Do you like them very much?" Tomoyo questioned. Eriol smiled fondly at the gardens and trees.
"Yes, very much, Daidouji-san. I used to love the gardens in my childhood. It was where I could be alone with nature, and get away from everyone for a while. There were some times when it was the only way out. Do you understand what I mean?"
Tomoyo nodded with empathy. She knew exactly what he meant. She had liked to go to the park, and just sit there and think of things. It helped her to clear her thoughts to just get away from the incessant maids and manservants and people in general.
Eriol had such beautiful gardens, each one different and what she guessed was done in a different way. Even in the snow, they were beautiful. A snowscape. The wind was more gentle today, as she and Eriol walked on in silence, suffusing themselves with the soft, glittering white. Tomoyo was glad that there was a break from the gray monotony that characterized most of winter, of the steely sky that was relentless in its death. The trees stretched in agonized bleak, dark branches, but even they were adorned with shimmering white.
"I want to ask you something, Daidouji-san." Eriol said seriously. "Well, two rather. Is that alright with you?" Tomoyo smiled at his uncertainty, so unlike how he normally was, so poised and certain with an aura of power, physically and otherwise, that was kept under careful restraint when he was around people. But it was still there, barely perceptible.
"Of course you may ask me something. Ask away."
"Do you really feel alright, Daidouji-san? I am worried about you. You seem paler than usual." He was worried, she reflected absently. She could see it.
"I am, Hiiragizawa-kun. It's just been a bit of a problem for me, that's all." Tomoyo saw that her reassurances did not change anything in his expression.
"But what kind of problem is it? I hate to pry, but I can feel your aura and it is weakened, as when people are fading from life. It is very worrying." He said quietly. Tomoyo looked at him in surprise. She had a weakened aura? Then she knew.
"I think that I know why that is so, Hiiragizawa-kun. Would you like me to tell you?" Eriol nodded quietly. Tomoyo normally did not like to tell people about her condition, but she somehow knew that Eriol would likely monitor her magically or otherwise until he was sure that she was safe. He was just that sort of chivalrous person. Most of the time.
"When I first, um, started to have my courses I noticed that I was loosing too much blood. So I went to a doctor, and he told me that I have DUB, or Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding. It is somewhat of a serious condition, but its long-term effects are markedly unpleasant." Tomoyo saw that Eriol looked embarrassed at his own lack of understanding. Tomoyo continued.
"It will not kill you, but it makes you constantly tired, and very sensitive to cold, and sometimes, without warning, you can faint if you are already tired and stand up or get up suddenly. I have had a lot of practice with keeping consciousness. And in the long term, it will give you osteoporosis and you may die from a fractured bone then, because it will be hard to heal because you have lost so much iron and calcium from your blood." Tomoyo looked away for a moment. She was suddenly lost in memories of standing up in class, and suddenly swaying because she could hardly see from the blur of vision that people get before loosing consciousness, or feeling as though she would fall from fatigue. Eriol looked at her.
"I think that the reason that you feel that I have a weakened aura is because I am not very deep into consciousness. I think that many times, I hover on the edge."
"I am so sorry, Daidouji-san." Eriol said quietly. There was a honesty in his voice, and suddenly he enveloped her in a tight hug. Understanding flowed from him. Tomoyo smiled at him.
"You are not at fault, Hiiragizawa-kun. It was only a chance in genetics, and that is no one's fault." She told him. They walked on.
"You must tell me more of yourself, Hiiragizawa-kun. I have not seen you for so long, and it seems that people grow ever farther apart these days. What have you been up to?"
His breathtakingly beautiful face darkened for a moment, then assumed its normal mildness. The blue eyes looked restless, never staying on the same thing for long, and there was almost a tenseness in him that hinted that he was never at his ease completely.
"I have done little since I left Japan, Daidouji-san. Mostly, I have traveled to Europe, Asia, and other places. I have developed a fondness for Italy and the Mediterranean, for their sunshine and joy and groves of olive trees. I have a summer home a France, near Bordeaux where there are beautiful parks." Tomoyo interrupted him suddenly.
"Oh, tell me about France, and Italy." Eriol smiled down at her.
"France is beautiful, a beautiful country with a beautiful language. It is one of my favorite, I think. They have wonderful food, and everyday you can see chefs and bakers preparing their delicacies. After school at three o'clock, all the schoolchildren in their Catholic uniforms come out of school in groups, and their teachers sometimes take them to the park, and they all play there and ask passerby questions or greet them randomly. They called me Monsieur Hiiragizawa, because I was at the park often, once a week by the fountain of Louis Phillipe. They would climb me and search in my pockets for bonbons that I bought for them. It is sunny so much of the time, and I used to go to the beach at Calais, or Nice and just sit there as listen to the people and the sea at the oceanfront brasseries. Afterwards, I would go to Paris and see the art museums, the classical pictures. I went to Versailles, too. It is the most beautiful palace I have ever seen."
Tomoyo was suddenly struck that Eriol liked children very much. She wondered if, perhaps Clow had ever liked children, or was it just a part of Eriol himself? Where did Clow end and Eriol begin? Perhaps they were both so intertwined with each other that the union was seamless, that both mingled with each other.
His normally controlled face was absent now, eyes seeing the playing French schoolchildren and the parks with past Bourbon monarchs and the seashore of Calais and the neon-lit streets of Paris. He seemed as if he was almost watching a film of himself in all those faraway places, experiencing those people, all so alive but somehow he himself never belonging to that life. He watched life pass, but he was the spectator, not the participator. His life was one of sun-filled afternoons filled with endless possibilities, with those possibilities slipping away as the hours pass, and of bright mornings in libraries and old places that had seen only as much as he, and of lonely nights at symphonies, holding himself aloof from giggling girls and women who would turn to admire him in his impeccable formal dress as he would walk down the street, perhaps stopping by a boulangerie or café, always alone in his joyless joy of the things that made other alive. But not him. Never him. It was heartbreaking, but he never noticed. Tomoyo suddenly felt a surge of affection for him, who would hold himself from life.
"And Italy of course, was wonderful." He said suddenly, snapping himself out of his fond remembrances. He started to reminisce again.
"I had a villa near Florence, and I remember that I had gone there directly after Barcelona, in Spain. The head housemistress had lined up all of the servants in a row to greet me, and they were more like family rather than servants. They even tried to set me up with their daughters, all beautiful with idyllic grace and Italian accents."
Eriol smiled in remembrance.
"I would travel to Tuscany, where I had another villa, this one small and by a grove of olives. It was always sunny, and I would then go to Rome to hear the operas, La Traviata and La Inamorata. I went to see the old Roman buildings, and tasted the finest wines there, and go to the sea to buy sea urchins. After that, they were my favorite food, and my housemistress there would send people to buy them for me. The Italians are a warm, friendly people. They taught me how to make spaghetti, too. I met some young men my age in Venice, and they were the society of Italy. A few of them were even de Medici's. Their palaces on the waterfronts were beautiful, and sometimes after dark I would just walk the sidewalks of the canals and over the bridges. Then my fine Italian friends would throw masquerade balls, where they forced me to wear those silly Venetian tights and clothes from the Renaissance. I wanted to cringe every time I saw a woman in those parties. They had the largest banquets held in my honor, and I remember them promising their sisters to me. It was difficult to decline, but I managed to pull it off." Tomoyo had to laugh. Even Clow's handsome reincarnation could not manage to completely avoid clingy women, and had to suffer them seeing him in tights on top of that. Her eyes danced and sparkled.
"I want to go to those places someday, Hiiragizawa-kun. I want to go see them someday." Tomoyo said happily, lulled like a child from Eriol's reminiscences of the canals of Venice and the streets of Paris. They seemed so different that it was almost like a dream. Eriol's eyes focused on her.
"I can take you, Daidouji-san." Tomoyo stared at him in amazement. Was he joking?
"Seriously, Daidouji-san. I am not joking. I can take you to Europe, and anywhere that you want. I can show you off to my friends in Venice if they try to stuff me into another one of those costumes. You can distract them with your feminine wiles as I dispose of their costumes. And you will look magnificent as a Renaissance noblewoman, and you may help me keep all those sisters away." This was too much. Tomoyo laughed delightedly, with such exuberance that even Eriol chuckled. She hugged him. He looked surprised for a moment, and then returned the embrace.
"I am so happy that you are my friend, Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Then I'm glad, Daidouji-san." He said affectionately. Tomoyo pulled him back to walking down the path. She had never seen him act affectionate before, and he had such fond, warm blue eyes when he was. They were almost like a child's, bright with secret imaginings that would not die despite their fantastical nature, fantasies that had no hold on reality, only a hold on their young minds. She was suffused with a giddy happiness and childish pleasure at the thought of Europe.
Tomoyo could imagine Eriol in Italy very well, too. She could just see the olive-complexioned girls giggle behind Renaissance fans, in their Renaissance headdresses and dresses in heavy velvet. She could imagine him wandering the canals and watching the water under the bridges, staring into the water that had seen so many gondolas for so many years. She could imagine him in Tuscany, walking among groves and groves of olives, the bright Mediterranean sun never faltering for even one day. She wanted to see those things, too.
Walking on, she could tell that Eriol was still looking at her. Tomoyo glanced up at him questioningly, and he seemed to search for the right words.
"And another thing that I have wanted to ask you, Daidouji-san."
Tomoyo nodded.
"Ask anything you want." He studied her for a moment.
"About Sakura-san." Tomoyo pointedly did not look at him. She couldn't bear to bring herself to look at him, when he knew. She hated to have people know, and to the extent of her knowledge, only her mother and Eriol knew the truth about her so-called best friend. She did not want him to know. It gave her a feel of helplessness, of such impotency because it was in the minds of others. So many times, she could manipulate people, young men in particular like marionettes, because she knew how one worked. She had seen it so often in herself, how Sakura could change her with a smile. And she would curse herself for it, but the next time, only be drawn helplessly as a fish of the sea would be drawn helplessly by eons and their own genes to return to the place of their birth, and die. And like the fish of the sea, she knew her imminent doom, too, that unchangeable compelling that could never be defeated as long as love existed. So she watched herself, and saw how to control others, subtly so that they would never notice, but would always invariably work.
"What is it?" She asked in a faint voice. She could not seem to control herself at that moment. What was wrong with her?
"I am worried about that, too, Daidouji-san. Are you sure that you are alright with all of this? I can cancel the rest of the plans that your mother and I, with Sakura-san and Li made if you want. I will back up any excuse that you have, if that is what you wish." He did not look at her. Very carefully, Tomoyo shook her head. She had to control herself. She had to!
"I am all right, Hiiragizawa-kun. Don't worry about me." She smiled as best she could. Meaning, it felt short of a real smile. Sometimes, it was just too tiring to wear a façade for too long. But she had to. Eriol did not seem to believe her, but luckily, for him and for her, he did not press his point. Perhaps he had recognized that fragile composure balanced on a blade's edge that Tomoyo possessed now. He had better. Eriol began to speak again.
"I think that you are a very brave person, Daidouji-san."
"Why do you think that?"
"Life has not been kind to you, but you have done very well in any case. You are in a difficult situation, but you are doing the best that you can."
"Thank you, Hiiragizawa-kun." Eriol waved his hand absently.
It was so strange, sometimes, when she realized that other people would look upon her life as tragic, stark, so very heart wrenching. Or brave, like Eriol did. But not to her. It was as if she was outside her own body, watching herself do the things that she did, watching herself with a separate emotionlessness, a separate mind and peace. Of course she would cry and she would feel as if she were breaking, oh breaking to a thousand shreds, but after the pain was gone, she was herself again, her true self apart from the self that felt emotions. And she watched herself, always, the spectator to a tragedy of her own life. But it did not make her sad, because she only watched. No, never did she actually be in her own self, where she felt things. And even in the moments of grief, she would only watch and think that she should cry faster so her mother would not see the red eyes, the swollen face. Even in that exquisite pain, she would only think of if her concealer would work well enough, a completely separate thought from the grief. She was only a caretaker, not really herself.
"But let me tell you something, Daidouji-san. You think that knowing the full extent of your situation is the best, but I know for a fact that sometimes ignorance is the best." He seemed to be seeing something faraway again; something so different from where he was now, that it seemed a fantasy.
And Tomoyo suddenly felt as if his life were a fairy story, a tragic fairy story with no happily ever after. But there was a sort of anguished beauty about it, a heartbreaking grace and beauty that refused to bend way to the anguish. She suddenly had an urge to smile, to smile not in a joy but in a beautiful sadness, the poignant whimsicality of it all. She could very well see him not even noticing what others would think of his life, only in the rare occasion when someone told him, and only would he then see the desperate and terrifying sadness, but then only set it aside and go on as he always had. As Clow, and as himself. Because he was content that way, because it was the way that he had always lived. And it occurred to her that he was like herself, too, not valuing happiness and joy and liveliness in the world, but something so much less ephemeral, true beauty.
"Do you remember when the World Trade Centers collapsed?" Tomoyo remembered that terrorist incident all too well.
"Yes."
"I knew." There was an undercurrent of anguish in the quiet somberness of his voice, but that anguish was so painful that it seemed so much more pronounced. His voice was deep, deep and seemingly part of the winter around them.
"I knew, Daidouji-san. About two days before it was going to happen. And do you know what I did? I did nothing because Clow would not let me do anything. He told me that no one would believe me anyway, and he was right. He told me that so many people were to die, and I could not do anything. He was right again. He is always right, and he always forces me to know. Now do you not think that ignorance is much more preferable than enlightenment in my case?" His tone was somber and melancholy, but it had the quietness of one who had long come to terms with his situation. At that moment, Tomoyo knew, to a better extent, that ignorance was bliss. They all said it. So she did too.
"Ignorance is bliss." Eriol nodded.
"It is." There was silence for a moment.
"And all I could do was to watch the towers crumble to the earth as if they were a puppet with their strings cut. All I could do was watch."
His voice was heavy with a shadowed sorrow. It was as if every one of those people, those innocent people ignorant of their fate by fire, or by jumping from the hundredth story of a building, or being crushed under one hundred and ten stories of concrete and steel, wrought by man's hands and genius, and destroyed by man's hands and genius. He seemed to be looking at nothing. His dark hair was ruffled by a strong breeze, stark black against white. It was unruly now, but he did not seem to notice. Then, suddenly, he blinked and that facet of him was gone before she could grasp it. Eriol shed his façade quicker than lightning. He smiled, and motioned to her jovially. His tone was a complete polar opposite of itself before, bright and cheerful.
"This is my koi pond, with almost a hundred fish. I know that its not much in winter, but I like it, don't you?" Tomoyo nodded emphatically, an attempt to wash away the sadness of the moments before.
"It is very beautiful, but do you--" Her last words were cut off by a huge shriek of wind. In their conversation, Eriol and Tomoyo had not noticed a huge gust of wind had pushed storm clouds from the north. She could hear the distant thunder to the horizon, and mentally shuddered. Thunder snow. It was the worst sort of winter storm possible. Just wonderful. Eriol looked to the origin of the thunder for a moment, a violent, gray slashed horizon, and seemed to be calculating if they could make it back to the manor. Apparently they couldn't.
"Well Daidouji-san, would you like to take a small hike to my poolhouse in the back of the property? We can probably make it just in time, before the storm strikes."
Tomoyo nodded quickly. She was not about to get stuck in the middle of a winter storm. And she did not like the frigid cold.
Eriol stepped quickly, breaking a small path for her. At least the trees here prevented the snow on the ground from being too thick. This was not going quickly enough for her. So she waded on through the snow, hoping that the winter storm did not catch up to them.
At long last, too long, they were in sight of a small house, almost tiny compared to the large Reed manor, not very large at all. But what attracted Tomoyo to it was that it seemed to come right out of a science fiction book, with curves and angles all coming together from a panoply to a sort of ordered chaos of form and lines. It was pale cream and white, pristine in the crisp snow with the largest windows on such a house that she had ever seen. Apparently Eriol liked his windows. It still seemed so very far away, only a tiny dot in the unforgiving landscape. How long was it going to take? She could hear the thunder approach, and foreboded the storm until she heard a crack and felt such freezing coldness. Had she merely thought that the air was cold? Then there was nothing but blackness.
Mwahahahaha!!!!! Erhem. How is that for suspense? I know that I am a bit evil, *devils horns sprout out of head* but it was fun. Now guys, be nice. There is no reason for those vile, vile expletives that you are hurtling my way. I am piously trying to appease you, and all you can say is that? You wound me. Well, in the next part, get ready for a little surprise. Hehe. Hehehehe. Hehe. You know that I am rubbing my hands together in Eriolian sinister anticipation, don't you? Yep. That's right. Get ready for a surprise. Hehe. Boy am I in an evil mood today.
Note: For those who asked, this will not be a lemon, but maybe somewhat limey. Very somewhat limey.
Extra Note: For the disorder DUB, this is a real disease and all the symptoms listed are real. I do have this disease, and everything Tomoyo had experienced, I have also.
Extra Extra Note: Here's a little bit of a clue for the next chapter: Conspiracy theories. He he. Oh boy, this is going to be fun.
Random Tidbits:
1. A brasserie is French for café, and a boulangerie is French for bakery.
2. Nice, Bordeaux and Calais are cities of France.
3. Louis Phillipe was a French monarch after the second French Revolution.
4. The de Medici's were the merchant princes of Venice. They came to power by merely making money, and taking over slowly that way. They were the most foremost family in Italy, other than the powerful and scheming Borgias, during the Renaissance, but still are respected today.